“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Bella Angel,
Try hard to hang in there, I know it seems so overwhelming, but it will pass. You need to care for yourself and look at everything objectively. This situation won’t last forever, repeat it to yourself, it won’t last forever.
Your family will take time to figure out, right now you can find a different church and regain your center. Feel in control of you. There is always hope that things will turn around but it will take time.
I am still with my spath husband having asked him to leave many times. He hasn’t gone to the lengths that yours has but tried to do some of the same things. Tried to have an intervention for me via my mom. I was lucky she got wise to him, but not at first, he was really convincing. She just knew I wasn’t crazy, thank the lord. He has told his friends I’m loony. I have to write them off because he is way too believable. I found porn that was disturbing to me, he lied about it and I brought the computer to a forensic specialist and there it was. He said he must have been drinking. Whatever. He has objectified our daughter (she didn’t like the way he hugged her or touched her) and she refuses to be alone with him. I have her in therapy. Now he is begging me to not divorce him, cries everyday, says he’s a changed man.
It’s hard but hang in there, it will get better.
bellaangel,
When I was dating my husband, no-one had anything disparaging to say about him either (although I found out after we separated that some of his family members were aware of how he was) – they were hoping that he’d change for the better. Today has been a hard day emotionally for me. My husband is a rat. I wish that you had a husband who was actually a godly one, not a devil in sheep’s clothing. You are in my prayers – you don’t deserve any of the stuff that has happened to you.
Dear Bellaangel,
I wish I knew WHY they enjoy destroying you/me/us—it just doesn’t make sense to me how you could enjoy seeing someone else suffer.
There is an article I wrote here on Eve and Satan in the Garden…called
“Life’s Lessons 101: The Knowledge of Good and Evil”
if you will do a LF search on this site you can find the URL. I would post it but I dont’ know how! Anyway, READ IT!
EVIL is REAL, the “devil” is REAL, Satan is REAL…he is the psychopath. There are many examples in the Bible for us to see.
There are many examples i n history for us to see. There is no cure for these people….they are EVIL. They don’t care.
Why does God allow this? I can’t answer that. But the Bible does tell us that “ALL THINGS (not just some, ALL) work together FOR GOOD to those that love the lord.”
It doesn’t matter what The psychopath “told on you”–did you kill someone? did you commit adultery? Did you have an abortion? Did you get drunk or do drugs? you don’t have to answer that to me or anyone else. GOD FORGIVES YOU IF YOU REPENT, BUT YOU MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF.
If your children (and I know you love them) are the kind of “Christians” they say they are, then they will not abandon you and refuse to forgive you either. My egg donor was at the church every time the door was open, but she was/is not a follower of Christ because she HOLDS GRUDGES, she lies, and she treats me like the Pharisees treated Christ. And boy does she NOT like to be exposed for her lies.
I can forgive her (get the bitterness out of my heart) but I will not and can not TRUST her. She is not trustworthy, she has not repented, she denies her sins and evil acts….but I can learn from it.
She has passed away now, but we had a blogger here whose X husband who beat and abused her turned her children against her and she died still waiting and hoping her children would SEE waht a monster he was and how she loved them.
Even after she got physically free, she spent the rest of her life grieving and mourning the “loss” of the children. She was my friend, but she gave away the last years of her life to her X and her kids who did not care for her.
My own P son was my life and my light and my joy, and it hurt to realize he was not what I wanted him to be, not what I thought he was. Instead, he is a murderer.
My oldest son is not a complete psychopath, but he is a liar, he has no loyalty to his family, or even his friends. He has good points. He is hard working, smart, volunteers for his community, but I won’t associate with him ever again. I can’t Trust him.
In January of this year I MELTED DOWN into a heap because I found out what a liar he was…it was a little “lie” but on top of the hundreds of other lies that I had “excused” or “forgotten about” etc. I realized I can’t have him in my life. I love him, but he is on his own in this world, I can’t help him. I can’t let him ruin me.
Being “alone” is sometimes scary, and realizing that the people you have “given your life” for maybe even hate you, but at best just don’t love you, hurts. But when Jesus is all you have, he is all you need!
My faith has increased because for so long I thought I could manage my own life, the lives of others and the world to boot! But now I know I can only take care of myself with God’s help.
Keep your faith, and develop your strength and DON’T GIVE UP. Keep on interviewing therapists until you find one that GETS IT, and you will. I did. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers!
Bella….
I am so sorry for your losses. You are in the right place by writing here….let us support and help you. Your life is worth so much more than that scum…don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle…I say that to my clients and I h eard it when I was in treatment many years ago for vicodin addiction and I would hang onto that one statement. The miracle is we do survive and we will live again. I believe that. Don’t let him win by giving up your own life.
Reading your post saddended me but it also gave me a kind of energy in that there is NO WAY I will take my own life and let that creep win. I,too, have thought about it. Things are so difficult and sad and wrong right now. It is not fair, there is no justice…but God will deal with him I have no doubt. I can’t believe how much of what you wrote resonated with me. It was like reading my own story. You will see that a lot here. I have read many stories that were similar but yours was identical in many ways. Reading your post I kept saying “OH my gosh” oveor and over because every sentence was something I have said.
Day two on my honeymoon, after he left me on a mountain top in a thunder storm above tree line…he jsut ran off like a jackass for 30 minutes and I thought my husband will have died on my honeymoon…I was walking downtown in Brekenridge Co when he “flipped” (BTW his first wife said the exact same thing, on day three of their honeymoon he “flipped” on her)and his behavior was something I hadn’t seen. He was all of a sudden controlling,” assholish”, cruel and my thought was “Oh no, what has happened here? I have not seen this behavior” and it scared me…but in my happy little mind I ignored it and went on thinking no, I am wrong, this didn’t happen. But it got worse and worse obviously….
My pastor and my church abandoned me, too, and that was after 6 years in that church (I am was a new christian -in 2000) and my church friends, pastor, growth group all knew he had a internet porn addiction, had an affair, had many emotional affairs, had pictures of some woman’s butt in bicycling shorts after doing a big 500 mile bike ride-just pics of her butt, then pics of them sitting close, drinking wine, looking like a couple, and the pastor was on that same bike trip! anyway, they all knew this about our relationship. We asked for help, or I asked for help actually, and they all rallied around, the pastor told him he had to change his behavior and when I finally left him after 7 years of marriage and 7 years of absolute hell, they abaondoned me. That church has a history of abandoning women who divorce…as a new christian I knew better than they how a Christian acts and responds to people in need. Isn’t church a hospital for the spiritually sick? yet they abandon people in need. Not one of my so called friends who I helped for many years came to my side, no one called me to see how I was, everyone believed his lies. He did the same, got everyone to believe I was using drugs and had an affair. Can you say PROJECTION? How they could believe him is beyond me. He also talked about me to my 26 year old son…this guy is NOT his child but he tried to get my son on his side, took him on a baseball trip (visiting three major ballparks like Fenway etc) and bribing my son and after the custody eval and court dates for divorce were over he stopped talking to my son and doing things with him, alhtough he will occasionally talk to my son to make sure my son hears bad things…or lies told out of one tiny grain of truth. I lost custody of my daugther who is now 9 and we adopted from China (my idea to adopt and I had to talk him into it. he didn’t spend any family time with us and the last 2 years of the mariage he said he’d give us one night a week that the rest of the nights after work were his) yet he got custody.
The thing that I haven’t heard from anyone else is the physical symptoms you described as your body manifested your stress and pain (altho I am sure many of the people here have had this). I had a cough for an entire year. I was 45 at that time (now 51) and had chest xray, CT scan with contrast, exam after exam, blood work, and then, the finale, done for 90 years olds, not 45 year olds! a bronchoscopy where they put a scope down into your lungs and wash it out a bit and take biopsy. I knew that the cough was real and not one thought it was a pscyho thing…I had broken blood vessels on my face from coughing so h ard, couldn’t sleep etc. No answers to why. No tumor, no cancer, tried asthma meds, no reflux, not post nasal drip etc. Then I had intense itching for another year. I’d get hot and itch like crazy. I would walk on treadmill and when I started to sweat I had to stop because I couldn’t stand the itching. Again, no diagnosis. But I remember reading about people who commit suicide who have this long term itching and I could understand why. It made me insane. It was worse then hot flashes of menopause. (naturally I went through that early!! probably brought on by stress LOL) anyway, no answers. When I left my ex both of those things that had gone on a year stopped completely and almost over night. And once when I was dating a guy, after the divorce, I started getting stomach problems and coughing again and I knew he was bad news. I broke up with him and both symptoms went away. Amazing how our bodies take care of us if we listen!!!
I also found teen porn on computer at the end. this was after he told me he had stopped doing it. We went to therapy for several years for the internet porn addiction and other symptoms of a horrible marriage that I thought was my fault. I felt so guilty having been addicted to vicodin that the first year of marriage I told h im I’d let him out of the marriage with askingnothing of him. I’d leave him the house and just move to another town (we didn’t have our daughter at that time) and he said no. I thought he h ad forgiven me but he used it against me and I swear he began his systematic pushing me out at that moment. then when I was telling him I was moving to our condo in the city 6 years after that time he said I wasn’t standing by him like he stood by me. I told him that I had been standing by for 7 years of abuse, verbal and emotional, raging at me with my daughter in my arms, controlling me financially, his horrible family acting terrible towards me, not talking to me, and that I had stopped using vicodin and had been clean from it for 7 years but he was still doing the porn and that he didn’t really stand by me because, although I didn’t realize it at the time, he had his porn to escape into. That isn’t standing by me that is addiction!
He also tried to do the intervention. I wrote about this last week but you said so many things that were similar I think you need to hear that you are not alone here. I was driving down to his town from the city to see him. This was when we were separated, not divorced and he asked me to bring my daughter and come down to talk to him about us. I said ok and on my drive, which was 3 hours, he called to ask where we were. I told h im we ahd about an hour and he said, good, but hurry. I said why hurry? he said because all of your friends are here. I asked him what he meant and he said Well they are all here waiting and we are going to do an intervention for you. I started to shake i was afraid and also mad. I told him I wasn’t using drugs, had been clean for 7 years like he knew and reminded him I’d do a hair sample to prove I hadn’t been using drugs. He said, “no not that kind of intervention but a spiritual intervention”. I said you mean an exorcism? and he didn’t answer. I freaked and said NO way I was coming down. He begged me and I said no, I am turning around and going back to the city with our daughter, that he freaked me out. He said “We are going to pray for you anyway”. He had also during this time told me he was “speaking in tongues” and that he “saw evil everywhere”. He was completely deranged in his appearance. He came up to the city to takl to me when my mom had her first breast cancer surgery and asked to pray with me. I said ok, and he started a normal type prayer, thanking God for blessings etc and then he started to get up and then hover over me (he is 6’1″) and then started to almost yell saying “Satan, I command you, get out of ______” (and used my name) he said this twice and then said something about I was not in my right mind. I thought wait a minute. I leave him because he is abusive in so many ways, he also raped me, but that is another story, and yet I am the one who has satan in me? Is that what his so called spiritual mentor was telling him or is that what he had to tell himself in order to belive I had really left him. He had told me “You will never leave me” and it sounded like a threat. I just think he was so angry another woman left him and he had to have a story that would allow him to keep face in the community that he was a “god” in. he had been wnritten up in the local paper for praying with his patients before surgery. what a crock. Everyone thought he was god. He is tall, good looking. When I met him in texas everyone told me they wanted to set me up with him that he was so nice. When I first met h im I thought “he is not my type”. Boy, do I wish I would have kept with that thought. There were a few other things that turned me off about him one being he lived in his old high school athlete days and talked about his accomplishments at the age of 17 over and over and over. Even for the entire marriage when we’d visit his parents…it was silly and very odd. But he had everyone fooled. Except his first wife who I didn’t connect with until after the divorce. I had tried to conatact her as I knew her new married name and that she lived in Atlanta but she didn’t respond. I actually thought I couldn’t blame her. Who would want to relive that again? But after the divorce and after he got custody I just couldn’t understand what h ad happened in my life…and I emailed her again. Her secretary emailed her in Calif (she was on a work trip) and she called me right away. she said she cried when she got my email and had goose bumps because she had wondered if I was ok the past 7 years and thought there was no way I’d still be married to him….and we started to talk. I even flew out to Atlanta and we talked for four days straight and she vindicated and validated my experience, otherwise I would have blamed myself completely by that time, after all the losses.
So, Bella….keep writing and talking to us. We get it. Therapists don’t. And I am one! I tried to find therapists in my city and they have no idea. Attorney’s don’t get it, judges don’t get it. I, too, feel so alone. My life, my idea of my family is gone. Shattered. I can’t see my dad right now who is sick (long story but has to do with spath brother), my daughter is wiht him and he just got it so I have to have supervised visits!!! I am appalled and completely broken by that one (it was after my mom died in Feb and my brother said I tried to kidnap my father….it is ludicrous…I actually had to rescue my parents from my brother but somehow the entire system in that state let me down. AGAIN), my son is distant and probably just confused. he is 26 and has his own life to live, too. But my idea of my “oasis”, my beautiful house I designed for the family to have friends and kids over, to cook for everyone….you know…all of that that was my life and i loved it is gone. I am grieving like you are and like all of us are here. It is so hard to understand how this could happen. Everyday I wake up it is the first thing on my mind. I vacillate from anger, to happy, to hate, to sadness, to loneliness, to repentent…and I wish I could be in that move The Eternal Sunshine…whaterver the name is…where they can erase their memory of painful things. I wish I could erase this and just move on. If we hadn’t adopted I would care less what my ex did, altho he is trying to “destory me” his words and discredit me in my field of practice or if I had custody I wouldn’t feel this badly. But my precious daughter is with this sicko.
My ex, at the end, also cried and begged me not to leave him. Then I did because while he was begging me to stay with him he also said i couldn’t go back to school. that I needed to stay in the town and not go to the city where I could meet people. I just remembered that! Wow. he actually said that. He said “Over my dead body will you go back to school. You need to stay here” and when I asked why he said “What if you meet someone. What if you meet some guy?” He liked me as a stay at home mom where no one was around me. I thought he liked that for our daughter but it was about controlling me.
I have to stop writing! I have taken up a lot of space today. But Bella I just wanted to have you hear that so much of what you said is exactly my experience. Down to finding out how to look into the cache on the home computer to find out where he was online!! Crazy making stuff. But I h ave to believe everyone here whos ays it will get better. I know it will and I know it iwll take time but there are times it seems impossible. That my “plight” won’t change, that I’ll stay stuck in this hell. And on the other hand I am a fighter, you are too. we all are. We will stand up against this evil and they will NOT win.
Ox….thank you for the reminder that HE is in control.
That has been one of the hardest parts of this….i feel like I was shaken to my core…my core is my faith!!! I sat in my car with my bestfriend and cried because I don’t believe God has me anymore. I question how God is in control when “they” seem to be living happily ever after and I am still picking up the pieces of a life he left shattered.
I told my mom today that I still can’t believe he is “that bad” How do I know that he is really a spath??? Is is possible that he just needed her. She set me straight pretty quickly…reminding me of everything he did. Why am I in such denial that he could really be THAT evil…why do I still wonder what I could have done differently to help him make the right choices for me. Why do I still think I pushed him away. I know that I offered something beautiful…I know that my love was pure and true…I was selfless. I was emotional at time yes…but even then my emotions were HONEST..they were REAL!!!
I HATE that I still can’t get out of bed somedays….I HATE that I STILL want him to “get it”…that I still want him to realize what he did to me and how monstrous is was. I HATE that last night I prayed that I just wouldn’t wake up today!!! Part of me says…its a breakup…get over it…and part of me know it is so much more. I just wish I knew how to really accept that he is that bad…that it is him that is messed up…that “she” wasn’t all he needed to be who I thought he was. I wish I could hold him as accountable as I hold me!!
All I’ve done is cry for two days….I thought I was doing better and then it’s like I hit a downward spiral….why….why can’t I just keep moving forward?????
stolen_innocence,
I suspect that you’re still in shock, jolted (if you will) by the reality of your situation, that you were involved with a deceptive, lying con-man (a user of people). He presented himself as being something that he never was (and couldn’t be) – a loving, caring, nice person. He was a fraud. I have tried to get my h-spath to “get it,” (plenty of times) having him see that how he has treated me is/was wrong, but he always justifies himself (he’s sick). I would never do to anyone what has been done to me. You are a good person whereas the ex-boyfriend is NOT. You will have up-and-down days because what you have gone through is unbelievable, SHOCKING to your whole person (your system) – it will take time to recover, processing how abnormal the ex-boyfriend is (and he is not NORMAL). He will never “get it” by the way (I know it’s hard to accept this fact), being literally unable to put himself in your shoes, seeing things from another’s emotional vantage point. Honey, in time, you will get past this “bad dude.” I KNOW how hard it is, going through the emotional upheaval, fallout from being invovled with a spath. Let yourself “be,” experiencing whatever you have to (emotionally) during the healing process, leading you to a better you in the end, one who is more “street smart,” now knowing (for a fact) that there are some awful people in the world, having encountered a slick one. Peace to you.
stolen_innocence, bluejay is right, jolted, it’s like hitting a brick wall, takes some time to get over it — and not just the “break up” — but that there are evil people wandering around seemingly normal (men and women!). So now… you have to change, he won’t. I felt like I hit the brick wall and then I had to turn myself inside-out. So… yeah, crying is ok, I still do it, I have good days, and bad days, it’s all ok. We are all on this journey together. In fact here is a link to a beautiful article OxDrover wrote about being on a journey of healing… http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/02/10/are-we-there-yet/
stolen_innocence,
The newest girlfriend hasn’t gained anything wonderful in the way of this guy. In time, she’ll (if she’s smart) kick him to the curb, getting sick of him mooching off of her. In my opinion, the ex-boyfriend is using his latest romantic interest, doing what it takes to get HIS needs met (not her’s). You literally are better off without him – he would have kept you on an emotional roller-coaster for life, constantly producing unwanted drama.
Such Kindred Spirits! I am so sorry….I realize so many have gone through so much more, it just “overtakes you” sometimes ……the gravity of it all!
Lastnight I went home from work, took out my Bible and literally sought God,all evening. I came across a Psalm that is really speaking to my heart
…..and OxDover you won’t believe this!! I looked because it was just speaking to me too much and it was written BY DAVID AS HE WAS HIDDEN IN THE CAVE!!! GOD used you to show me He is still speaking to me. I have written out the entire Psalm but thought that it could really help others here…. a portion that we can all understand is “Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need;rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.” AND THEN in Psalm 143 ….”the enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground,he makes me dwell in darkness,like those long dead.So my spirit grows faint within me;my heart is dismayed……. Bring me out of trouble,in your unfailing love;silence my enemies;destroy all my foes…..” If your Christians and going through this meditate on these Psalms. Also pray Psalm 18.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD from this and something earlier…..a rape by guess who? another sociopath! But I think what I am experiencing is panic attacks.
ChinaGirl I am so sorry for all you are walking through. I can’t believe how the stories are so similar…..
StolenInnocence i understand right where you are at. I can say he did all these things to me, but I am still trying to convince myself it’s true. If I see him, I love him still! It is my own fault I am back here, I went 4 months with No Contact. Then i received a letter from my kids that destroyed me and guess what….2 days later he contacted me and asked me to meet him at Olive Garden and I was so lonely and heartbroken I did! ( then I found out he knew I was getting that letter, and probably helped write it!) The last 6 weeks I have been back and forth WITH him, then pulling back. A “couple” then telling myself this is “insane” and I am playing with my life! I finally went No Contact last Sat. again….and I feel right back at the beginning again. How can we love these men that have tried to intentionally destroy us? But I don’t think our human minds were to comprehend and evil like this……it just doesn’t register!
I am SO THANKFUL to have found all of you. You are helping me sooo much!
Bella, China, stolen innoscence, and anyone else who is still in the thick of it…in pain and suffering….Please hang tough. This, too, shall pass. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, little by little the pain will diminish.
Take it one day at a time…Don’t think too much about the enormous future, right now, just get through a day. Develope your faith. Say your prayers, and take comfort in the knowledge that it wasn’t your fault. Try to detach on an emotional level from the family and friends who are turning away at this time. Let them do what they ‘ve got to do, and work on yourself, your own life, your own well-being…Don’t try so hard to convince them…It only gives them power over you, and they keep the upper hand. I know it’s hard, and I know it feels like a grave injustice, and every fiber of your being just wants to fix it and put it back the way it was.
Unfortunately, the way it was, wasn’t really right, anyway.
You were being manipulated by a spath and living an unhappy life. This is a new beginning, and it’s ALL ABOUT YOU. Make it all about you, and eventually, if you leave them alone, they all will come home wagging there tails behind them.
If they don’t there’s something wrong with them.
You have no control over other people. You can’t fix them, enlighten them, force them, convince them. They make there own choices and all you can do is choose for yourself.
Focus all your attention on doing what’s best for you, in this moment and give your cares and concerns about your family to God…Let God do his job…like they say in Alanon, “God don’t have any grandchildren.” Think about that.
God bless you, and I promise you will begin to feel better soon.