“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
**sigh**….
I don’t know how to put into words here what I really would like to share without triggering others.
I violated a commitment, knew I was doing it, and HURT others doing it.
Yea, I was the “other” woman for Spath. It created a divorce from his wife. Pain for her and her children. I’m so ashamed of that. I find it difficult to live with what I’ve done. I believed his lies about their marriage for a VERY long time and even when I didn’t believe anymore, I still DENIED that it was true. I saw signs that he was abusing her. I overlooked that too. I see that I was looking at the situation through evil eyes.
I’m so ashamed of that. There is no way I can fix that now. The only small bit of anything that came out of this, is finding out that she is now VERY happy and enjoying a life free of abuse. Her family knew what he was too and it wasn’t until the end of the marriage that we talked and she told me what he was.
I don’t know how to forgive myself. I hate that I caused so much pain. I hate it.
Dear Learned,
Darling, you did something you knew was wrong. Which one of us here can step up and throw a stone at you and say “I never did anything I knew was wrong?” (I don’t see any stones whizzing past here!) So FORGIVE yourself. I hear genuine repentence and sorrow for what you did that you knew was wrong to do, but you are not alone, my dear! Not at all.
I do know though, that FORGIVING OURSELVES is difficult for those of us with a conscience, and that proves to me that you have one.
Look at the story of King David in the old Testament he was described as “a man after God’s own heart.” WHAT??? He committed adultery then had the woman’s husband kiilled, THAT is a man “after God’s own heart?” He was an adulterer and a murderer….but HE WAS ALSO A MAN WHO REPENTED AND WAS SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID AND CHANGED HIS WAYS.
I think the very fact that such a sinful man was presented as a “man after God’s own heart” shows us that God doesn’t expect perfection so why should WE expect ourselves to be “perfect?”
We make bad choices but we can STILL be people that are GOOD. I also think that even bad acts on our part can in the end work out for GOOD for ourselves and others. Maybe your bad act was used by God to get that woman away from that EVIL man when she wouldn’t have otherwise gotten away.
Now, you and she are both free of him. Forgive yourself, all’s well that ends well! It may have caused her pain at the time, but in the end she will live a much better life than she would have WITH him. ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
lesson,
you were an instrument of God’s to save that poor woman.
Do you know how often we post here, “thank God for his next victim?” Sometimes we need someone else to take the spath off our hands and you did that for her.
Your sin was not against her, so much as against God and yourself because you were doing something you thought was wrong and you did it anyway. But God had a greater plan, as you came to find out. It is HUBRIS to think we can make a better choice than God has planned for us. Read the book of Job for a clear explanation of that.
As long as you are sorry, and admit with humility that you sinned, God has already forgiven you. He has shown you that, by making the ending so much better for the wife. Revel in the attention that God paid you when he decided to make you an instrument of His peace. You are truly blessed, He is telling you how much He loves you and how much He wants you to be better than you were.
lesson learned – you are not the first person to heal from this pain, and you won’t be the last. there are posters here who has dealt with the same shame.
it’s okay. you are pretty safe to talk about it here. not saying no one will challenge you – but we have all done things that we are ashamed of, have done things outside what we believe to be ethical. best to put down the big stick, and just start talking about it.
and you are both out of it now. and that is such a good thing. i think you actually saved this woman pain in the grand scheme of things. put the scarlet letter on your forehead and sit with it. it will not kill you and you will heal over time. (((((((((it’s okay.))))))))))
These are the most beautiful words of wisdom I have ever read. I see God’s love and grace. Ya know, even after the divorce and Spath continued to say the most horrible, awful things about her, I would become angry and say to him, “AFTER WHAT WE DID? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE SAYS THAT??”
Well, now I know. Because he did it to me too. I see the woman that I talked to that Spath was love bombing last, as my angel sent from God to wake me up and spare me more pain. I saw EVERYTHING in technicolor! All of it. The web after web of lies. THe same thing happens, one victim after the next. She and I are becoming very good friends now. I just adore her! She is kind and good in her heart. We spared one another and God was the author of that intervention. I SEE IT CLEARLY!!!!
I was secretly happy to hear that Spath’s ex is blissfully happy. She has LITTLE contact with him and holds fast and true to the guidelines of the divorce. I feel so bad that she has to deal with him still because they have children, but I can tell you, she is so happy and that makes ME happy FOR her!!! What makes me SO angry is that he still uses her to play the victim role. If there was something I could do for any next potential victim, I would, but I know there isn’t. I just hate the thought of anyone else being hurt by this creature.
Ox, the story of David and Bathsheba is one of my favorites. I have a beautiful bible that Spath bought for me a few years ago. I can’t bear to open it yet. I will. Just not yet. That bible means so much to me. It’s sort of a challenge to hang onto anything beautiful he gave me. I really want to throw it out, and with everything else, that’s simple….but that bible……it hurts me more than you know to see it sitting there, but I believe that once I’m able to pick it up again, I know I will have moved a little further in my healing. It’s symbolic for me for so many reasons but when I pick it up again, and I surely will, it will have meaning to me, not because Spath gave it to me, but simply because it’s a beautiful bible and I can truly enjoy it. I know that sound weird. Just can’t let that bible go……
I grew up in a Narc household. My grandmother was one of the WORST Narcs EVER. My father was just like her. I could easily see how having been a child of hers, how effed up one could be, although my aunt and uncle are not Narcs, but they definitely have fallout from her. The day she died was a BLESSING..but just prior to her dying, I did go and hold her hand and let her know I loved her. Cuz I did. I don’t speak to my Narc father, brother or sister. It’s not healthy for me, but I think of them everyday. I love them still too, but I was the scapegoat and I didn’t want to continue that role anymore.
Making the connections is so very painful. It really is. But ….I DO believe I will heal….that it will be up, it will be down….my children are the biggest teachers of love and forgiveness. I know what I”ve done is wrong, but my heart is FILLED with love for them. And my beautiful grandchildren. There is sadness and sorrow at the time that has been lost. But I hope that with whatever time I have left in this life that every single moment with them or with others in my life that I love and whom love me, is more precious than the next. Given how spath tried to separate me from my children (he never showed genuine interest in them, if he did it was FAKE), we are incredibly close. That can’t be replaced.
I’m sorry. I’ve kept all of this inside for so long, I feel like I could just talk and talk and never stop now that I feel like I can be honest with myself and others about what has happened. That has a truly significant healing effect for me here. I can’t thank you all enough for everything I’m learning and the many contributions through articles and shared stories that I’m learning. I’ve spent hours here just reading and I STILL feel like I’ve not touched the surface of all that is yet to be learned!
Thank you so much again for your words of wisdom. With each one, the light goes on more. I know I might face challenges of my role in what happened but i need to learn to be “okay” with my past, to try to forgive myself, but I think that’s going to take some time. I use to become very upset when challenged…now I just wince at the thought because I know the pain I caused. I feel worst and most pained for not just my children but for his. They suffered trauma and still suffer trauma. I was very blessed in having seen Spath’s daughter this last summer. She recognized me and we hugged and hugged each other. I wasn’t allowed to see the children once his wife found out that he had been bringing them by to see me. They are wonderful children and not because of Spath but because of HER and her family who provide emotional love and safety. I do think Spath is priming his son. I wish I could talk to his ex to let her know what I’m seeing, but that’s not wise and I won’t. I’ll be praying that God shows her what is happening. He has tried to take her son away from his mother, showing little interest in the daughter unless it’s for HIS immediate benefit. I just think of them often. I was able to tell his daughter how very sorry I was that I caused them pain.
I just hope somehow that they know.
Or better yet, that it doesn’t really matter anymore, because they have a lovely mother. Spath had another wife before her too. She took her child and ran to another state. I bet he did the same thing to her too. Spath signed off his parental rights. He is absolute evil when speaking of his first child and his first wife.
UGH!!!!!
So many that are wounded and hurt!
Thank you…..just thank you so much for allowing me to vent. It really does help so much.
Lesson Learned:
I am the wife. Not in YOUR situation but similar.
You did what I needed but never received. You validated the wife, – that she was not such a nutcase after all, but the object of a smear campaign and the calloused destruction of her life. And that you have shown remorse for your part.
I am not vindictive. I just wanted to abuse to stop, for people to stop saying that something deficient about me (but I never learned what way I was deficient) meant that I DESERVED to be treated that way. I thank you for this post b/c I want to imagine the same from all the women who took such joy in causing such agony for me, and worse… causing the agony for my wee daughter.
What you did, talking to the wife and HEARING her, would have been sufficient. Eerrr. Now go and sin no more. 🙂
Dear Lesson learned,
YOu ARE learning the lessons, and I believe that God is patient with us and keeps giving us chances to learn.
Since you are not comfortable with that particular Bible, get you another one to read from for now, and when the time is right, you can open that copy that S-path gave you…but maybe just not now.
The only thing that I wanted from my step father after he passed away was His copy of the Bible which is well worn and falling apart, but I have that and I feel his wonderful spirit when I open the pages. He was a good man and he loved me. I appreciate that now more than ever.
Keep on reading here Learned, it takes time and effort and self reflection, prayer and meditation to over come the pain we have caused and the pain we have felt. It does get better and easier the further along we go.
Go back through the archives and READ and re-read and read some more. You also might want to read the book “If you had controlling parents” it was a godsend for me, along with other books about psychopaths and other control freaks. (((hugs)))) and God bless.
EXCELLENT post to lesson learned, Katydid! My ex’s wife was…in his words…a terrible person. he even blamed his balding head on her! It took me a while to realize it was him, not her.
Great post.
Going to have a bite to eat and watch some tv now. Thanks, katydid.
Katy,
not all the new girlfriends are innocent dupes. The crazy-husband stealer who was having sex with my exP was also with other married men. she told me that she only dates married men. It was a tell, she was trying to hint to me, because it was so exciting to her that she was cheating w/my P. What a let down it must’ve been when I told her (still not knowing what they were doing) that she could have “my piece of shit any time she wanted”. I later figured out that she is a P and only dates married men because she doesn’t want other women to be happily married. My P figured this out right away and used it to lure her into sex with him and then into working with him to try to get me to kill myself. They both hinted to me about suicide.