“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
Here’s a great site referenced on one of these older blogs. http://withoutempathy.blogspot.com/ I like this part, which they attribute to Dr. Hare:
The victimization goes far beyond trying to take advantage of someone on a date or during a simple business transaction. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful” (in fooling victims)
Yes, there is a hidden motive, lies, misrepresentations….and all predatory in nature. It is actually frightening when it really sinks in.
justabouthealed,
Thank you, I just read this although I have seen that site before (and love it). This is what we were talking about in the other post too I believe.
Parasites! Most parasites in nature do not vitimize the host merely feed off it. The human kind will do the same feeding off what they consider weekness at our expence! But some regard the encounter as a life draining , bleed out experience! to Bleed out is to , take every drop! Draining the life out of the victim till there is no more blood to suck out of us!
To them the end justifies the means!
Like our govt. To kill a few 1000 or million justifies the profit of the war machine!
Rune and Healing Heart,
Yes, guys do read these blogs but unfotunately they tend to lead so onesidely towards only to men being the perpetrators and women as victims.
I think it’s more that men are ashamed to talk about being manipulated by a female sociopath and seek help.
I have been in an abusive married for 10 years to someone who fits the bill to a tee.
I am always to blame for anything and everything. I used to try to stand up more myself but it would escalate out of control and being the man, she would play the victim card. I love my children dearly and am very active in their lives daily with scholl, coaching sports etc that I could not phantom missing out on a minute of watching them grow and instilling solid values in them.
So now, I quietly accept blame, apologize quickly and get out of the way. Ignore hurtful comments, keep my feelings to myself knowing that if they are shared they will be used to manipulate and push my buttons.
This is the first I’ve actually shared this with anyone – being anonymous makes it easier but god help me (and the noise the kids woulds have to hear) if she read this post.
So, sorry ladies, you don’t have a monopoly here. I do get benefit from the blogs, I just have to fill in “her” where it says him.
I’m glad you’re here Applebill. You are one more voice for all of us, but also a voice for the somewhat smaller male percentage that comes here for support. It was nice to hear from you, and I hope we will again.
Dear AppleBill,
You are NOT alone, meaning that there ARE other men out there who do as you do and “placate” the BEAST they are married to for the sake of being in the lives of their children.
My own paternal grandfather did that with my P grandmother.
I applaud you for loving your children, and you have my utmost sympathy for your own predicament in your marriage made in hell.
I also am glad you are here and I hope that you can find solace and comfort here. this is a good lplace and while we (most of the posters) ARE women, there are people from all walks of life, people of both sexes, people of several sexual orientations, and religious…so whatever your “catagory” you will fit in with this group of very empathetic and understanding and accepting people. We are NOT “man bashers” though sometimes it might seem that way.
Some of the men who have been here (but are not regular posters now) such as James, have raised their kids single handedly after their P left them with the kids—you should be so lucky, but most times the Ps seem to use the kids as WEAPONs against their mates. Male or female Ps.
Keep your faith in yourself and stay around here, we will be “there” for you and believe me when i say WE DO GET IT. Also, KNOWLEDGE=POWER and even if you don’t think you can successfully get away from her right now because of your kids, you can learn about HER and about yourself and hone your own strengths and hopefully that will make life easier for you to endure at this point. God bless you and I thank Him that your kids have such a caring father.
Thank you – I actually did not expect to get a positive response from anyone.
Applehillbilly,
This is an excellent place for you to be. I hope that you do feel welcome and that you feel free to share your experience.
I think you are right that men are less likely to want to “talk” and share out loud these types of abuse in relationships but it is very important to do so. It is important to all of us here and for the general population to recognize that these toxic people come in all shapes and sizes.
Raising your children under such circumstances can be very difficult. I hope that you are able to gather some helpful information here.
Dear AppleBill,
I hope you WILL stay around here. What I suggest to people who are “new” here is to go back through ALL the old archived articles and read just the articles to familiarize yourself with the WONDERFUL resources here about how to know about the Ps, and also to learn about YOURself and how to help yourself.
ALSO for those that have children with the psychopaths, I suggest that you look to the left and find the blog roll and go to Dr. Leedom’s blog about “raising the at-risk child” which is a child with at least one psychopathic or personality disordered [parent and how to help these children to develop an empathetic and caring personality and how to give them what they need so that they will grow up to be fully functioning people in their own right.
A parent raising a child WITH a parent like this is under a double bind in taking care of themselves AND taking care of the child. It is obvious to me that YOU ARE COMMITTED to being there for your children, regardless of whatever sacrifices you must make yourself (like staying married to that woman) so this speaks so well for YOUR love of your children and your sense of responsibility.
At the same time, I also realize that YOU need all the support that you can find, and KNOWLEDGE=POWER and the more you know the better you will be able to function and survive what must be a difficult situation at best! God bless you and the obvious tremendous love and connection you have to your children. I am so glad you are here! Please accept a big cyber ((((hug))) from an old woman, the child of a psychopath, the daughter of an enabling woman, and also the parent of a psychopathic child (now an adult in prison)
There are lots of great folks here who have been where you are, who know the dedication to being a parent, and the pain of dealing with a psychopath in one form or another (parent, spouse, or child). Knowledge and support are here!!! This place has been a life saver and a sanity saver for many of us.
I am one of the “long time” bloggers here, over two years, and one of the most verbose as well—but I stay here because the road toward healing is so much smoother with people who UNDERSTAND!!! God bless you and your children is my prayer !!!!
“People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people.”
one of my MAIN functions was interpreting ‘his’ latest meltdown; coaxing out his ‘secrets’ and telling important significant others those secrets. this was amazing to me. i told 2 – HAHA, to other manifestations of the spath. I told one because i thought it would save his life – i am not kidding here – i told his bf that the reason the boy wouldn’t continue with the deprogramming (please don’t ask) was that ‘his’ secret about both of their father’s having molested him would come to the surface and the bf would never look at him the same……….
i shook writing that email. SHOOK. I have never taken responsibility for another’s life like that. that there was someone there to care for him was of utmost importance – and it couldn’t be me in the primary care giver role………he just kept DYYYING.
she ‘made him, she killed him, she resurrected him, and now she has moved him on’ to another dupe.
she is a twisted F8ck.