“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
strongawoman
Sadie, I am sending you lots of positivity and strength. You are at the beginning of this journey but it’s a road to recovery ….if you let it. Good advice from the peeps on LF. NC is the only way otherwise he will worm his way back, believe me. Have you got any support away from LF? I found telling friends and family meant it was more difficult to have contact with him. Im recovering. Six weeks since I saw him …..he is DESPERATE. It’s like I think star said earlier…..the mor you seem to be getting on with life the more they want you back. They are sick and perverse. Read and keep coming on here. Good luck my friend
Sadie73
Thanks, strong. I do have a couple of close friends who know the whole situation and who give me great insight. Two of those suggested he may be a spath to begin with, which is how I even found this site. Everyone has told me NC is the biggest thing for me right now. They say I need to work on myself and take care of me and get strong again. Strong Enough that when he contacts me again (which both friends are sure he will once he’s over this current drama) that I’m able to tell him to stay out of my life. I’m scared because I’ve never dealt with this before. I’m scared because it seems so foreign that he would turn violent because he was nothing but affectionate and caring in the good times. Even when he would cut me off, he would pretend to be caring and that it was for my own good. This is such a mind fuck.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Sadie – they often do resurface: when they are trying to line up more ‘supply’ (when things look iffy with current supply); when they are bored; when they hear you may have gained something they want to take.
my n ex (and not the reason I came to lf – but by being on lf and learning I figured out that that was what she was.) called me this summer, after over 2 years of nc. i figure she was probably passing through town and thought it might be a way to break the boredom and have a little ‘win’ out the trip. i hung up on her.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Sadie – again, classic: ‘Even when he would cut me off, he would pretend to be caring and that it was for my own good.’
And yes, the best descriptor for what they do IS ‘mind fuck.’
Sadie73
Wow this is so much to take in. Everything all of you have written could have been about him. I had no idea this was so prevalent and no idea I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.
I too feel that he will contact me again in time and try to reel me back in and apologize for cutting me off etc. I hope he doesn’t or at least it’s when I’ve moved on enough to have the strength to tell him to stay away.
I’m even paranoid he’s on this forum, which is nuts!! 🙂
I almost gave him the keys to my apartment. I didn’t. Phew.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Sadie – paranoia is a good thing when it comes to spath behaviour.
the lf posters will help if and when he resurfaces – help you come up with strategy, and stay strong.
KatyDid
Strongawoman
I don’t think they want us back after the discard. Rather I think they are like dogs in a manger. They don’t want us, but they don’t want anyone else to have us either…
… nor us to recover from them or have good things happen for us. It’s impossible to underestimate the envy they feel, they think we derive some pleasure that they can’t. And they are right. We can feel joy and love and contentment. That knowledge drives their raging need to dominate and destroy those who have something they don’t.
Dog in the manger Game, Level: Infinity.
strongawoman
Sadie let him apologise until he is blue in the face. It’s all words that have no meaning …..it’s a game to him. The last time I spoke to the ex I told him he was enjoying the angst and upset and anger that I was exhibiting towards him. They love it….drama. Liked to keep me “on my toes” as he often said. NC NC NC ……repeat after me. Being strong will piss him rite off. He will want you again when you are stronger. I guarantee it. Mine always has. As soon as I’m back in his control..it all starts again. No! Use the only weapon you have and what is more enjoy the power it gives you! Turning Tables by Adele. Great song. Look it up on you tube. Use every tool you have to resist. Towanda!
Sadie73
That’s what I’m hoping – he won’t come back. I hope so much it’s game over so I can recover.
I’m hopeful that I’m starting to given that I already am leaning towards not wanting to hear from him again given how fragile I am right now. 24 hours ago I was still going back and forth about wanting to hear from him so he could tell me everything was gonna be ok. I’m sure I’m still going to have moments like that again too. Thank you all so much for taking some of the loneliness away.
Sadie73
Ha, Adele. The last concert he and I went to and ‘our’ songs from that album. Hahahahaha ok you made me laugh out loud despite the subject 😀