“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
verity
eek AND eesh!
It’s not until you come out of the fog that you realise how wrong it was.
edited
verity
Pollyannanomore, I got the manipulation from day 1, but it was mostly written in emails. He couldn’t do it face to face and he was too cheap to send cards, lol. Never met a cheaper man. I hate calling him a man. He isn’t.
When a friend of mine tried to warn me that this boy wasn’t quite the ticket I contacted his ex g/f, who had just written a blog about WORDS being meaningless and ACTIONS being all. She said that if somebody loves you you know and all the words in the world don’t make a bit of difference. He is a writer and words were his main method of seduction. Think he used every trick in the book The Art of Seduction. The poetic and the flowery, he did a lot of that. But in the flesh … afraid. Woman-hater through and through.
When I left and he was trying to get me back … full ON. A bunch of flowers picked from a meadow near his home, no less. It made my heart melt at the time but now I only see it as a tactic. Manipulation is the man’s middle name. He even wrote on his forum once that he could pretty much get people to do whatever he wanted. He’d made an art out of it.
ErinBrock
The spath when I was 13….wooed my mother to get to me…
I had met him once at a mutual friends and all of a sudden he was at my house when i got home after school……ROSES AND ALL, talking to my mother….days in a row..weeks upon weeks….He’d show up with fresh ROSES….for mommy dearest.
He had to con my mother to get to me……that was his OPeration.
My mother thought he was the bees knees…..and the roses sealed it….she kept saying (mind you I WAS 13) EB…you should go out with this boy, he is such a nice boy….he was 19!
The roses came from the walk from his house to mine….2 miles…..(he didn;t have a car because he had a DUI)….came out later!….but on his walk…he would poach roses all the way over, so when he arrived, he had a fresh bouquet of STOLEN roses!
After we started dating, the roses came to ME….and MOM would get pissed off….about 1 year into it…..
Then he turned on her….(splitting) and would antagonize her by bringing me larger and larger bouquets….and jewelry…..
SHE DID NOT LIKE THIS….
My parents are not extravagant folks….not big gift givers etc….so HIM showering me in gifts bugged her and she would say….HUH….I DON”T HAVE A DIAMOND. (he bought me a little tiny diamond necklace pendant for our 1st year dating anniv.)…..
The other gifts he showered me with was a purple angora fuzzy sweater, a pearl ring, a car stereo……teddy bears etc…
guess what….ALL STOLEN!!!!!!!!
I caught him stealing the sweater one year….he had me try it on and it was expensive…..I walked out of the dressing room and I saw him shove it down his coat…..I WAS SHOCKED INTO SILENCE…..I felt the FOG….and I didn’t know what to say to him……so I said nothing…..
And several months later, it showed up under my christmas tree……I NEVER WORE THE SWEATER. I just couldn’t!
He always wanted to take me to the mall……and I would refuse….i didn’t want to be put in the position of seeing him steal again…..I DID KNOW…..he wouldnt stop…
I was never a thief…..and Looking back….I can’t believe I avoided speaking up to him….
I was groomed young! YIKES!
HELLOOOOO the con roots run deep!!!
ErinBrock
EEEEeeK is RIGHT!
EEESsh.
verity
EB, that’s such a sad thing about your son. Yes, if it happened then I’m sure he’ll tell you when he needs to, and it probably didn’t if he hasn’t said anything yet. You had KING Spath there, no doubt about it! And why would little girls be writing to him? I can’t imagine an excuse for that … and especially for keeping the letters. They do love their trophies though, don’t they?
Sexual perversions, how long ya got??
edited
I am sicker than him now I read that. But I was addicted and I am SURE he brainwashed me, like they say in Women Who Love Psychopaths. Sure of it. I have to work on myself so that I never go anywhere near an abuser again. Well, I don’t believe I would already, but I am still working on healing myself for being a person who would stay in that situation.
ErinBrock
Uuugh!
How old is she now? That’s NOT normal.
Are you aware of any other ‘perversions’ he had….or random comments by others…..about sexual wierdnesses?
I know ‘it’s hard to think about…..but spaths have so many perversions……that are uncovered usually AFTER we leave them behind….that at least, in my experience….I’d believe anything about him anymore….
I don’t know what to make of him showing your daughter…..but it’s weird at best.
I know guys have a thing about how they were endowed even as a baby……
WHATEVER???? I don’t get it…..but I’ve heard this…..
Just keep your eyes and ears open….and expect ANYTHING to come to your memory as you walk this path…..
Buckle up……the ride has begun.
Buttons
VERITY!!!!!!!!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} My dear, you are not alone – I got an STD from my spath ex, as well. And, my denial was so deep that it defies not only logic, but description! I knew that something was wrong with him – I always knew it, but I chose to ignore it, and (worst of all) excuse it.
I will never forget the best chance that I had to identify his perversions, and chose denial, instead. I had just come home from delivering our first child, and it was time for a feeding. The spath brought this infant to me attatched to his own breast!!!! He said (and, I quote), “It just HAPPENED! And, if you ever tell anyone about this, I’ll flatly deny it!” In my mind of denial, I tried to convince myself that it actually might have “just happened” OR that he wanted to experience the unique bond (I guess?) OR that there had to be some rational explanation that I just couldn’t see at the time. Oh, boy……talk about denial? I was the POSTER child for denial! And, that was probably his finest hour, in his mind. His control was complete: no job, no friends, no confidence, completely fearful, and now a child was in the mix and I couldn’t do anything about it (so I thought).
EB, my spath ex targeted my mother, as well – she fell prey to his open flirting, his extravagant compliments, and his veiled sexual references. He saw her vanity and fed her what she needed. Years after I left the spath, my mother acknowledged what the ex truly was, bless her heart.
Yes, looking back (it’s been nearly 26 years) can still make my stomach heave. But, I have to remind myself that I was targeted and victimized and that’s all there is to that. Sick, sick, sick……….and, thank God I got out!!!!
verity
You had your own spathy wetnurse, Buttons! They truly are the weirdest people.
Thanks for the hug. Writing it out has made me feel sick. It took me far too long to get out. And he kept calling me back like the Narc that he is. Can’t lose any supply.
Buttons
Verity, you said, “that it took me far too long to get out.” Whether sooner or later, you’re getting out, honey, and that’s the most beautiful blessing. By posting here and sharing your experiences, you’re not only healing your Self, but you’re providing another insight as to how these Things operate. Perhaps, a new person will read your specific experiences and be able to recognize their own dire situation.
Rock on, gal! ROCK ON!!!
verity
My Self really needs healing, Buttons. I thought I was worthless all my life and so I let him carry on that abuse.
You know, I still feel quite guilty for all this anger, although if I could still afford my therapist she would BOINK me for that as she would say it is justified and has been too long coming, but I can imagine his hurt face and him telling his stories of woe to other people — and then I read others’ comments, like:
“There should be a law against anyone knowingly concealing the fact they have an STD and who cavalierly passes it onto others. It is “so like” Sociopaths having arrogant and cavalier attitudes concerning when and how they “infect” or “inflict” anything on others.
A Sociopath evaluates friendships/loves by asking these questions: How can I benefit from this person? How can this person make me feel better? How can this person improve my lifestyle? What can this person provide what I need? It’s all about their NEED and their personal SATISFACTION.
I wish there was a way to inform the general public. Had I known what to look for, I could have saved myself a lot of grief and I’m sure the subscribers on this site feel the same way. There is a common thread to look for a test if you will: A Sociopath will NEVER ask if they can do anything for you . . . a Sociopath will NEVER ask how you are doing . . . a Sociopath will NEVER ask if there is anything you need . . . a Sociopath will NEVER be available for you . . . it is ALWAYS (without fail) all about them. Watch, listen and learn.”
(from Rosebabth926) and I know that I was abused and I have the right to be angry. My mistake was not being discerning but leaping straight in and hoping that someone who was obviously not trustworthy would miraculously see the light and change into a Good Man. He never did. He seemed to try but he didn’t know how.
I know this angry phase won’t last long because he has taken up enough of my time. I’m slowly building a good new life and he’s caused me to find integrity and self-respect by taking me to the opposite extreme. Not that he helped me deliberately, although he’d take the credit for anything. 🙂 I will learn discernment. I won’t keep taking making everything my fault. ‘Unconditional love’ indeed. Love might be unconditional mate, but relationships are not. You only know how to take.
But … I AM rocking on and I am getting into the groove. *hug*