“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder.
What is Impulse Control?
I’m sure many of you noticed that sociopaths have a lot of energy. Their minds come up with many plans and ideas. This energy would be a good thing if the sociopath could direct it toward positive goals. Sadly, however, the abundant energy sociopaths have leads them to pursue goals that damage others. The reason is poor impulse control. Sociopaths are unable to control the many impulses that come from their basic drives and emotions.
This poor impulse control causes sociopaths to be vulnerable to addictions of all kinds. Once these addictions are established, they are particularly resistant to treatment. Many have noted that the impulses sociopaths have are especially destructive. For example, sociopaths are often sexually driven. They may also be greedily driven to obtain possessions. However, the impulse to have power over others is the central defining impulse of sociopathy. Sociopaths expend most of their energy trying to gratify impulses related to having power and influence over others.
The desire for power
The desire for power has been very difficult for researchers to study. The reason is that unlike our other desires, there is no feeling associated with it. Think about it—when you want food, you are hungry. When you want affection, you are lonely. When you want entertainment, you are bored. When you want sex you’re”¦. The point is, how do you know when you want power? Researchers have established that this motive is completely beyond our conscious awareness!
Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths
One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations.
Power motivated people are high in testosterone
The power motive is directly related to testosterone levels in both men and women. This is likely also responsible for the hypersexual behavior seen in sociopaths. The relationship between testosterone and the desire for power is so strong that testosterone predicts dominance behavior better than psychological tests.
Many studies have shown that sociopaths do have higher testosterone levels both during adolescence and adulthood. This higher testosterone of male sociopaths may also make them more attractive to women. Women unconsciously sense male characteristics that indicate high testosterone and are attracted to these qualities.
Medications that “help” sociopaths
Medications that reduce overall energy and block driven behavior reduce problematic behavior in sociopaths. The medications that do this are called antipsychotic medications. They are also used to treat schizophrenia. The most commonly used anti-psychotic for adolescent and adult sociopaths is Risperdal. In the past, we used Thorazine for this purpose.
You may also wonder if castration works. Eliminating testosterone through either surgical or chemical castration does help some. However, removing testosterone does not restore Ability to Love and so does not really treat the underlying disorder.
Why me?
It is my hope that providing you with knowledge about this disorder will help you answer for yourself the “Why me?” question and will help you stop the self blame. We all can benefit from considering our own Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. The best thing for victims is to come out of this experience wiser and better.
OxDrover,
I wish that I had the words to accurately describe the experience – it almost felt like I was looking at something otherworldly. He seemed to me to resemble what I imagine a caged animal might feel, agitated, wanting to not be experiencing whatever was going on inside, trying to get it under control. It didn’t last long, but I won’t forget what I saw. Of course, I’m trying to describe how he was coming across to me, not being sure if you (or others) can “see” the image in your own minds.
Yes OxDrover, it’s a horrible one because it means we have to follow our thinking right through with no redemption….and interesting clever question…what would Jesus do? ‘forgive them father for they know NOT what they do? a sociopath would use the forgiveness you offer to strangle you…clever …he was seeing if he could squeeze the last bit of pity out of you…
OxDrover-You are so right…in response to shojo….aspd’s don’t want to get better…they pretend they do…and I tried to fix my x spath, too. For several years. because of his internet pornography addiction, sexual addiction, and more we went to therapy. He agreed after fighting it…but what therapy did was give him the psych verbage to use. He could parrot the therapist and it gave him more ammunition. He then thought he had the back up of the therapist! He would tell me the therapist said I expected him to meet all my needs and that he couldn’t possibly meet my needs. Well, the independent woman I am, i didn’t expect or need him to meet all my needs. I only wanted a husband/friend, partner…someone who had the ability for mutual honoring in a relationship. he thought I should be able to intuitively know what kind of mood he was in daily and not do or say anything to upset him when he got home. He said that. Some how he was able to believe that and say it out loud in front of the therapist who attempted to correct his thinking errors. For naught.
Shojo you said in your last sentence it is like cancer and let’s find a cure. There, sadly, is not a cure. What we really need is to educate the world, the system and support each other. My goal is to help other women and men who are going through this to understand and recognize it earlier so they can get out before they have kids or get married….or suffer more from the aftermath.
My x spath never once in 7 years of marriage asked me if I needed anything. he’d get something from the fridge when we were watching a movie and never once ask if I or anyone else needed or wanted something. He’d serve himself before the children got food (when going out with friends and kids it was appallling to watch. he’d pile his plate up and start downing food while we all watched). he’d come home and sit at the table and hold his knife and fork and look around expectantly. For a while I served him dinner (at the very beginning) and later when I realized the extreme selfishness I would look at him and say, “what? dinner is in the kitchen. have at it.” When I was miscarrying my first of four babies he went fishing. His sister had to take me to the hospital. A month later his mother said to me, “I hope you don’t let this ruin the holidays” meaning the big thanksgiving party his grandmother put on. I was grieving and she said to suck it up.
If he had the flu or once when he had food poisoning and projectile vomitted everywhere he got pissed at me for leaving and going to a very important meeting. I had stayed with him and helped him until it stopped…and then had to clean his vomit from the walls. He was defensive…never could we have a conversation…it was constantly a power play.
After we got married I noticed he could never sit still. He was always bored. He was either working, kayaking, biking, fishing. We never watched movies or just sat out in our yard talking. That all ended. I remember the time I thought he lived a dual life. Looking at him one time as I was weeping, asking to have my husband back, telling him our D and I wanted to have more family time…and he just stared at me…blank. No emotion at all. It was like he was looking through me- and that scared me. My denial was amazing for the first five years of marriage.
He was diagnosed with bipolar d/o. The psychiatrist had him on a bunch of different meds. And my ex spath being a doctor would mess around with his meds…changing combo, changing doses…I told him he was dabbling in something very dangerous and he was getting crazier and crazier. His behavior, during the marriage, got worse and weirder. Does that happen? Over time do they get stranger? It was more like he needed more stimulation. He would work on his bicycle in the garage for hours and hours…one night he was using some very toxic chemical to refinish his bike and I woke up at 2am. He had put towels under the doors of our bedrooms but the house was filled with a very toxic fume…all white-ish looking. I woke up coughing and suffocating. I ran out to the garage and HE had an oxygen mask on! The garage doors were closed but he allowed the fumes to come into the house to poison my D and me. I ran and got my D, took her outside…forced him to open garage doors and air it out, opened all windows etc. And I looked at him. He had no remorse. None. he said I was making a huge deal about nothig. Again. Gosh, it goes on and on with these stories that I am remembering. I remember the complete insanity of my marriage. And how anyone now could believe him just baffles the mind. Of course they didn’t live with this kind of thing and how do you explain it to them? How do you explain to the judge that he made life a living hell and I had to leave with my daughter. Because I have a recovery background and had one slip during all the losses that occurred in one year I get to be the scape goat.
No, these people do not get better. They get sicker and I pray some day soon his third wife will call me, like I did his first wife, and ask me what the hell has happened to her life…then I can get my daughter out of there. And then bring her to Love fraud!
The list goes on and on as we all know.
Dear Bluejay, OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND. I SAW IT TOO!MORE THAN ONCE WITH MORE THAN ONE PSYCHOPATH. THE **LOOK**
BP: interestingly, I have heard discussions of Jesus’ comments on the cross and who they were directed to/at.
The “forgive them father (*who is “them”?) for THEY know NOT what they do.”
Well, the pharisees who had falsely accused Jesus KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS WRONG….so “they” could not have been the “they” Christ was talking about, and if you go on down the line, the ONLY “they” who really didn’t know what “they” were doing were the Roman soldiers who were driving the nails.
So even Jesus was not asking forgiveness for those that KNEW THE EVIL THEY WERE DOING, WHO PLANNED THE EVIL THEY WERE DOING , AND EXECUTED THE EVIL THAT THEY WERE DOING.
To me though, me forgiving my persecutors who DO know what they are doing, doesn’t get them off the hook with God. My forgiveness does NOT include trusting them again or giving them another chance at me.
So me forgiving a psychopath or anyone else who does evil is not about giving them a rope to hang me with, or giving them another chance to go at me, it is simply and ONLY getting the bitterness against them out of my heart. If all that makes any sense at all.
Dear Chinagirl,
We were posting over each other….
You mentioned your x was bi-polar, it is FREQUENTLY associated with psychopathy, as is ADHD and also being left-handed. If they get Psychoplathy and Bi-polar and ADHD they have what I call the “tripple whammy” with each Dx making the others worse.
Sometimes the symptoms of each of these disorders can hardly be told from the symptoms of the others, and all are exaggerated with a multiple diagnosis.
chinagirl,
If it helps, I think the h-spath has gotten stranger over the years. I’m certain that he is a sociopath (putting my delusional self-doubts about whether he is or isn’t to rest). You are fortunate to be away from your ex-husband. It’s like studying another life form. I’m sure that his current wife is seeing some disturbing things, being a matter of time before the lid blows off.
OxDrover,
The h-spath is left-handed.
Oxy, The way I see the “forgive them Father…prayer, uttered by Jesus as He hung on the cross, meant that they do not know they murder the Son of God, whose entire purpose here was to act as the lamb of God, and be a sacrifice to God so that the rest of us could LIVE. What this means is they don’t have a clue what they do to their own spirit…that they are murdering IT.
That’s why, for me the “forgive them Father utterance is so powerful, and meaningful.
I don’t think it has anything to do with sanctioning BAD behavior, or taking someone back who has done you wrong, I think it’s a tool that can be used to, as you say, “get the bitterness out of your heart,” and get on with it. Just my 2-cents.
Earlier this week, I read Luke 6:27-42, a passage that Jesus put forth to his listeners about forgiving your enemies, how to treat them. It’s hard to do, but possible.
Bluejay, “Love your enemies” means I think to TREAT them well (don’t seek revenge etc.) “love” is not a squishy feeling but an ACT. WE show LOVE when we do good to others.
Kim, Someone on here a few days ago said something about how MUCH more powerful that “father forgive them” sentence was than if Christ had said, “Boy are you guys EVER gonna REGRET THIS!” LOL I almost choked when I read that. I wish I could remember who said it but, you know me, CRS! LOL (((Hugs))))
pollyannanomore….in response to an above post about manipulation….I hear you! Mine would say the same. Be patient. I am working on it. and the kicker, “I am a horrible husband” or “I am a miserable man”. Cry cry. he only cried when I was about to leave and when dating when i was about to break up with him after his push pull behaviors. he’d cry with his head in his hand and quietly “sob”. he did it on the video when we adopted D in China. At first I thought how sweet he actually cries. It didn’t occur to me unil fairly recently it was a crock. His third wife said to me, after his first wife and I tried to talk to her before she got married to him, “He is the most gentle man I have ever met”. I said, honey I said the same thing. Look further into his eyes and you will see the evil.
Another post somewhere was talking about the look. I used to call it the a__hole look for lack of a description. It was like a curtain that would fall. Whenever I was going to ask for something or talk about something he didn’t want to talk about this curtain dropped and he stonewalled. He was good at that and I would inevitably back off.
I think EB or Ox said a phrase I tell all my clients and learned the hard way, “We teach people how to treat us”. Yep. He targeted me early on and how I responded allowed him to continue forward He set himself up as the poor victim (he was the biggest victim I have ever met!) he would talk about his first wife and all the things she did TO him. poor guy. I felt sorry for him. He used that for a year before we got married and then for seven years in the marriage he would talk about her constantly. So would his family. I finally told them all to shut up. I was nicer about it but I said that it bothered me and she was no longer around what was the point. Oh, they hated me. I brought to their attention all their bad behavior. As I started to learn boundaries in my recovery I didn’t allow them to do what they always did…I called them on it and my ex spath would say “I am not getting in the middle”…of course not! He left me for the vultures to go after me and they did in the form of a very sick alcoholic MIL. Wow is she vicious. A southern belle full of Jack Daniels and Xanax.
So, manipulations? All over the place! It amazes me to think through this stuff….all the running I did for him. My gosh…what an idiot (me). Seriously. I waited on him hand and foot. I had quit working to take care of my daughter and I was not used to not working (image, identity issues etc) so being a ‘housewife’, homemaker, stay at home mom was my new identity and I worked hard at it and did a great job! Instead of say nice things to me he would manipulate by saying “I never asked you to clean the house” whenever I’d ask him to help. He just put me down in those insidious ways…my self esteem went downhill very slowly but surely. the gaslighting…yes! the crazy making, smoke and mirrors with money, hiding money, taking me off accounts.
As I stand up now and begin to take care of myself and begin to move forward and change my thinking, my life…get my daughter back and my father…it all seems daunting. But I have been able to get through hard things before. Adopting D was very challenging. The dossier for China was daunting for sure! It took me 6 months to compile it and it had to be in a very precise order with norary, State Dept. ok, china embassy ok…and waited 2 years….and she was home! I have been in treatment for vicodin and changed my entire life. I got several degrees…I helped my mom through her cancer until she died…and stood by my son after his fiance died in an auto accident several years ago. So, i can do this. Right? It seems impossible. Does anyone else feel that way? To try to backspath…I have allowed him to scare me. I had become immobilized and have no money to get attorney so i can move forwward to get both my father and daughter away from brother spath and ex spath. they ganged up on me…my entire sick family. The only “family” I have is my father and my son and D. My cousins, aunts that are left are nothing to me. All addicted, no one in recovery, male cousins who abused me when I was a child…I have always wanted a family and I feel so alone now. I work to not continue to blame myself. To walk with my head up knowing that I am NOT what spaths say I am. But that they are projecting. I KNOW this. yet I feel guilty for some reason. I feel everyone looks at me like there si something wrong with me and it must be how I am presenting myself, you know?
Ah…no more self pity. I have been doing more this past week than I have in four months so life is better.
My only suggestion to new people is to read and read and read….it has helped me put this into perspecptive, to realize how sick spath is and to have validation that I am not crazy or bad or sick. I take responsibilty for my actions. I am not perfect and I am the first to admit it. But to live with an spath is to live a lie and to live in a crazy world that doesn’t make sense. I am mad. But anger is just a feeling. Not good, not bad, it just is. But I have learned in my recovery I have to feel my feelings…and walk through them. As Fritz Perls says the only way out is through. I used to go around, crawl under, do whatever in order to not feel those awful feelings and they always came back. I read somewhere recently that burying feelings alive are not dead…something like that. So true. They will always resurface. It’s scary. When I allow myself to cry I am afraid. Afraid when I start crying I’ll never stop. To think about my D kills me. and my father. What they must be going through, wondering where the hell I am. My father begged me not to leave him and I promised him. I send him cards, care packages, letters and my brother took the cell phone I got my dad away from him. I need legal help before I can change some of those things and I have tried legal aid. So, as I have said, I do what I can do each day as best I can and keep my mouth shut except for very trusted friends, of which there few left. Thanks, LF!