Just Like His Father? (available through this site) was released in October, 2006. At that time I fantasized that the audience for the book would be single parents or grandparents raising the children of personality disordered individuals. I thought that most of the disordered parents would have abandoned the family and want nothing to do with the kids. While we still do not know what percentage of personality disordered parents abandon their kids, I have come to believe that that those who do not are a much bigger social problem.
Within 6 months of the release of the book, people who were trying to co-parent with severely disordered former partners began to write me. At first I did not believe the stories because they so contradicted common sense and my clinical training. What sane person would believe that the family courts would grant unsupervised access or even custody to severely personality disordered abusive parents? Well I discovered that is just what they do, and since that discovery have been working obsessively to change things.
If we are to change the insane system the first thing we need is valid, objective reliable data regarding how it operates. We also need valid, objective reliable data about the parenting and intimate behavior of people with cluster B personality disorders. I have set a goal to collect that data not for a “pop psychology” book but for its scientific value. That has meant Ethics Committee (IRB) approvals, funding, questionnaires, interviews, research assistants and statistics. I am still collecting this data from former partners and adult children of disordered individuals but have made substantial progress (send Donna an email if you want to consider providing data).
Last year I was teaching a research methods class to graduate students in counseling. We were discussing qualitative and narrative research when one of the students raised her hand and said she enjoyed reading autobiographies of people who had unusual experiences, a light bulb went on inside my head. I looked at her and said, “See me after class.” Last summer that student, another student Emily, Linda who blogs for Lovefraud, and I read and analyzed using modern qualitative methods 18 memoirs written by former partners and adult sons and daughters of psychopathic individuals. I am happy to announce that one of the papers generated from this research is now available.
The paper provides substantial data that might be useful for women who are trying to protect children from a psychopathic father. The paper also explains to professionals how and why women get into these relationships and the damage the relationships do. Here is the abstract:
Abstract:
This is the first in-depth study of the influence of psychopathy (as assessed by the PCL-R) on the intimate relationship behavior of men. Using well-established qualitative methods, Leedom, Geslien, and Almas examined the published memoirs of 10 women who had long-term relationships with psychopathic men. They also examined articles, videotaped interviews, forensic evaluations where available, and author feedback. The authors determined that these relationships consist of four phases: induction, commitment, disengagement, and recovery. All of the women they studied had been conned, manipulated, or coerced during all or most phases of the relationship. The data from the 10 memoirs have been triangulated with that of a memoir written by a woman who had been kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years by a psychopathic man, and with a case well known to the first author. Although the resulting data are qualitative and come from a limited number of cases, they have enabled the formulation of a model to explain the relationship between the facets of psychopathy and intimate partner experiences, exploitation, and abuse. Psychopathic men may occasionally demonstrate “affectionate” behavior and express concern for children, but psychopathy is not compatible with a healthy relationship or a nurturing home environment for children.
You may obtain the paper from The Civic Research Institute
I am unable to provide data regarding the experiences of men because there were no memoirs written by men. The paper presenting the data from adult children has not yet been accepted, but that paper contains data regarding psychopathic mothers.
I hope to continue to do the very difficult task of objectively collecting and reporting data while at the same time advocating for social change. This paper is a start.
Liane while I applaud this effort…the one fly in the ointment I see is that of getting these “men” (or women) labeled as “psychopathic” because they are great actors in the court system many times.
Of course if the man (woman) is a criminal, alcoholic, drug addict, etc. I can see where the nurturing parent could use this information to maybe try to educate the court, but in one case I am aware of right now where the mother has a restraining order on the husband for HORRIBLE VIOLENT ABUSE the judge still says “well because he is a bad husband doesn’t mean he isn’t a loving father” and requires her to co-parent with this monster. Her state even provides for an “address” that is supposedly secret, but her ex glories in the fact that he keeps finding her.
I just finished an Anne Rule book about a P husband/father that tracked his x wife and her family to another state by pumping the 12 yr old daughter who was secretly having phone conversations with him to get information about where the family was living, then sent a hit man to kill his x wife.
I am going to give a copy of this article and your report to her so that maybe it will help her in her fight for safety for her child who is terrified of daddy dearest.
A poster on another thread today here on LF was talking about her father killed her mother and her brother because her mother was demanding child support from him. Her father is in prison.
The COURTS NEED TO GET IT about psychopaths but getting the people LABELED Psychopaths is going to be a problem.
Liane & Linda,
Thank you for all your dedication and hard work in ths area. I agree with Oxy, getting the diagnosis will remain a major concern. Here is an interesting article I just came upon today. Very unusual. It has held up in the appeals court, but I will be interested in seeing if it holds up in the California State Supreme Court.
http://blogs.findlaw.com/california_case_law/2013/02/court-terminates-fathers-parental-rights-due-to-mental-disability.html
This article deals with the termination of parental rights. This is an important issue because what many people do not understand is that although many, many times the courts do not seem to “get it” that is not always the case.
When deciding custody of a child, the Family Court usually seriously takes into account the “best interest of the child” taking many things into consideration. Like Liane points out who is and who is not able to offer a healthy relationship or a nuturing home environment for the child. The Magistrate and/or Judge then awards legal custody to that person.
What many people entering into a custody situation do not understand is that the biological parent who has “lost custody” still has residual rights, which include, but are not limited to “parenting time”.
In other words, they have parental rights. Magistrates and/or Judges can not simply ignore these rights. Parental Rights are part of our Constitutional Rights. The rights of parents to raise and educate their children is a fundamental type of liberty protected by the Due Process Clause under the 14th Amendment.
Almost ALL cases of terminating parental rights WILL be appealed to the State Supreme Court. Most state Supreme Courts view these cases as follows: Parents have a basic civil right to raise their children and that termination of parental rights is the Family Court equivalent of the death penalty in a criminal case. Simply put, almost impossible to terminate one’s parental rights. It usually takes a parent to abandon the child for a long period of time before the court will even consider termination of parental rights.
What I am trying to point out here, is that it is not just a matter of educating our Family Courts. It must be a movement to recognize and validate the RIGHT OF THE CHILD.
Whether we agree or not, whether we like it or not, our Family Courts are under the obligation to follow the laws, State laws and Constitutional laws.
Interesting article, Milo…The CHILD should have the RIGHT to be brought up in a nurturing environment, and no DNA donor should “own” that child. I think children are still considered chattel.
Even after your daughter had proven beyond a reasonable doubt that she was an UNFIT parent, and you have raised Grand since he was an infant you had to go back to court and spent MEGA BUCKS to defend him against her and even though she is engaged in criminal activity she still has custody of her little girl and “parenting rights” with Grand. Thank goodness that he is old enough and refuses to see her. Good for him, and good for you as well going NC with her.
It still amazes me every day that I read the newspapers and see where kids were maimed or killed by parents AFTER they had been shown to be ABUSIVE. Saw one yesterday where a woman had 3-4 kids taken away but she had a new baby, and failed to feed it or change it and after a couple of months it STARVED TO DEATH covered in its own filth. (Sob, sigh)
EVERY DAY children are killed by their parents in the US. Saw one article in Saudi where the father raped, tortured and killed his 5 year old daughter and spent 4 MONTHS in jail and will have to pay “blood money” to the mother and the judge said he had enough time in jail…and this man is a Muslim PREACHER.
I’m not sure our (US) situation is much better. It breaks my heart that “parents” have “rights” and children have NONE.
Liane and Linda, THANK you for putting this data together. YES – there needs to be male input, as well.
I believe that the only way to cause changes in the current climate of “children need both parents” in Family Courts is by submitting this kind of study. I would be more than willing to discuss the first exspath, how he “got” the children, and the results of that fiasco!
The sad fact is that Family Courts do not “hear” the parties who are in dispute. What they “hear” is a whole lot of noise and rely upon “objective” parties that are not involved in the shennanigans on a day-to-day basis. These “objective” individuals are not witnesses to the crazy-making, manipulations, coercion of children, and the rest that goes along with co-parenting with a disordered mother or father.
OxD, one of the peripheral members of the second exspath’s family produced her first offspring at 17. I was demonized at a “family gathering” when I suggested that she put the baby up for adoption as she was ill-equipped to raise a child. Well, that baby was taken away from her because she was found to be “unfit,” AND given to the grandfather – another disordered jackass that received PAYMENT to “foster” this child. Then, within a year, she became pregnant, again. This second child was taken away and, again, given to the grandfather. Again, this gal became pregnant, and the same scenario, and it hasn’t stopped, YET. At last count, this girl-now-woman had produced 4 offspring that were ALL taken away from her because she was found to be UNFIT. She has been in and out of jail on various convictions and she has NO BUSINESS producing any more offspring, regardless of whether she ever pulls her life together, or not!
What happens when people who have no business producing offspring is that a family member is “awarded custody” of the innocent lives and PAID via taxpayer’s dollars to raise them.
So, I was verbally lambasted (literally) by the exspath’s family members that this girl was going to be a terrific mother and that she would have “help” from supportive family members. Clearly, placing that first baby up for adoption to a family that was emotionally, spiritually, and financially prepared to raise a child would have been the best possible outcome for that innocent soul, rather than being placed in the same disordered and dysfunctional environment that it was born into.
EUGH……
MORE DATA needs to be stuffed down the throats of Family Courts until they are able to digest the facts and make wise and sensible decisions. Sometimes, the wisest and most sensible decisions are not pleasant – they are not “all-inclusive,” and people are going to have to suffer. But, forcing innocent children to suffer because they do not have a voice is just as heinous as what these “parents” do and everyone in the decision-making processes should be held accountable, INCLUDING judges.
Brightest blessings
Milo,
Thank you for posting that case. Sounds like father had bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, but I’d like to know more.
With respect to this:
What I am trying to point out here, is that it is not just a matter of educating our Family Courts. It must be a movement to recognize and validate the RIGHT OF THE CHILD.
I agree 100% and that is the other project that I am working on. Until the average person understands development and how genes and environment interact to shape a person, the special need children have for protection will go unrecognized. I hope our readers will also see the connection between mandated child development education for high school students and the protection of children, and also education about mental health/disorders. Here is a link to the CT Coalition for Child Development Education. This group and a national group Prepare Tomorrow’s Parents are pushing for child development to be a required part of the public school curriculum.
http://ct-coalition-for-child-development-education.org/
http://www.preparetomorrowsparents.org/
Module 7 of the Curriculum looks directly at Children’s Rights. The United States has still not ratified the UN COnvention on the Rights of the Child
http://www.unicef.org/crc/
The Module discusses why.
Where is Skylar? Miss her.
Hi Lou! Hope you’re having a peaceful and happy Sunday x
Tea Light:
Hi!!!!! So good to see you. Yep, I am having a peaceful Sunday. I am volunteering at church later at a concert for tweens. So it will be a ton of 9-12 year olds running around. I will be at the T shirt selling table. I love volunteering.
Glad you are OK and well. Please keep us updated…peace and love to you. x
Lou that’s great! Hope you sell loads of t shirts! My cathedral needs volunteers for its shop, just 1 or 2 hours a week I’m thinking about it but I get very tired still when I’m not at my paying job or keeping body and soul together I’m asleep. Anyway counting my blessings, so many heartbreaking posts from new LFers. Love to you Loulou x
Tea Light:
I also volunteer once a month in the kids ministry (where the kids are while their parents are in service). It’s fun. I volunteer with the 5 year old group.
You should do it when you are stronger and have more energy. I completely understand how you feel now. I felt that way for a long, long time. Where I am now…I’m beginning to feel like I didn’t even know him. This is what happens after No Contact for so long. I still have a lot of mixed feelings, but time is moving on. I was thinking this morning about people like him and how they seem to always get away with everything…they just do.
Good for you for counting your blessings. I am doing the same. I still have a hurt spot way, way down inside, but it is getting smaller bit by bit. Love to you, too. x