Just Like His Father? (available through this site) was released in October, 2006. At that time I fantasized that the audience for the book would be single parents or grandparents raising the children of personality disordered individuals. I thought that most of the disordered parents would have abandoned the family and want nothing to do with the kids. While we still do not know what percentage of personality disordered parents abandon their kids, I have come to believe that that those who do not are a much bigger social problem.
Within 6 months of the release of the book, people who were trying to co-parent with severely disordered former partners began to write me. At first I did not believe the stories because they so contradicted common sense and my clinical training. What sane person would believe that the family courts would grant unsupervised access or even custody to severely personality disordered abusive parents? Well I discovered that is just what they do, and since that discovery have been working obsessively to change things.
If we are to change the insane system the first thing we need is valid, objective reliable data regarding how it operates. We also need valid, objective reliable data about the parenting and intimate behavior of people with cluster B personality disorders. I have set a goal to collect that data not for a “pop psychology” book but for its scientific value. That has meant Ethics Committee (IRB) approvals, funding, questionnaires, interviews, research assistants and statistics. I am still collecting this data from former partners and adult children of disordered individuals but have made substantial progress (send Donna an email if you want to consider providing data).
Last year I was teaching a research methods class to graduate students in counseling. We were discussing qualitative and narrative research when one of the students raised her hand and said she enjoyed reading autobiographies of people who had unusual experiences, a light bulb went on inside my head. I looked at her and said, “See me after class.” Last summer that student, another student Emily, Linda who blogs for Lovefraud, and I read and analyzed using modern qualitative methods 18 memoirs written by former partners and adult sons and daughters of psychopathic individuals. I am happy to announce that one of the papers generated from this research is now available.
The paper provides substantial data that might be useful for women who are trying to protect children from a psychopathic father. The paper also explains to professionals how and why women get into these relationships and the damage the relationships do. Here is the abstract:
Abstract:
This is the first in-depth study of the influence of psychopathy (as assessed by the PCL-R) on the intimate relationship behavior of men. Using well-established qualitative methods, Leedom, Geslien, and Almas examined the published memoirs of 10 women who had long-term relationships with psychopathic men. They also examined articles, videotaped interviews, forensic evaluations where available, and author feedback. The authors determined that these relationships consist of four phases: induction, commitment, disengagement, and recovery. All of the women they studied had been conned, manipulated, or coerced during all or most phases of the relationship. The data from the 10 memoirs have been triangulated with that of a memoir written by a woman who had been kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years by a psychopathic man, and with a case well known to the first author. Although the resulting data are qualitative and come from a limited number of cases, they have enabled the formulation of a model to explain the relationship between the facets of psychopathy and intimate partner experiences, exploitation, and abuse. Psychopathic men may occasionally demonstrate “affectionate” behavior and express concern for children, but psychopathy is not compatible with a healthy relationship or a nurturing home environment for children.
You may obtain the paper from The Civic Research Institute
I am unable to provide data regarding the experiences of men because there were no memoirs written by men. The paper presenting the data from adult children has not yet been accepted, but that paper contains data regarding psychopathic mothers.
I hope to continue to do the very difficult task of objectively collecting and reporting data while at the same time advocating for social change. This paper is a start.
IWin, I read your frustration and fear, and it is this fear that is causing you to attempt to predict outcomes.
Take control of your own actions and decisions AWAY from the spath by using the techniques that you learned in counseling to manage the anxiety. Then, take proactive steps to secure some counseling and legal representation by calling your local Victims’ Services Office. This agency will provide you with a myriad of resources from counseling with professionals trained in PSTD and victims’ issues to strong, competent legal representation and advocacy.
http://www.trynova.com
I honestly identify with the fear-factor and attempts to predict. I really do. You are going to make it through this in good order and with strength and courage.
Brightest blessings
I Win – If you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, you are entitled to accommodations in court under the Americans with Disabilities Act. What this means is that you can have someone help you cope with the court process and be with you during appearances. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything regarding the court’s decisions, just assistance for you to stay composed during court proceedings – which often means a lot.
Thanks for the clarification Donna. I certainly did not have it completely right, and did not want to give out any information that was not totally valid.
I love you guys to death, but why is this so gender based? Or perhaps I should rephrase that and ask why we insist on saying “him” or “her” as opposed to our “mate”?
I am male and am grappling with the effects of having been with a BPD. Now while I can understand that many of the issues being discussed tend to present with the men being the bad guy (or is simply that less men talk about it?), but the insistence on this language over time will preclude the possibility in the minds of some (too many as a matter of fact) that women can behave in this manner too.
Language is everything!
All of you are awesome and I appreciate this place immensely. Please don’t take offense to any of it.
BDKR, the “reason” that you see what you perceive to be gender-biased language is that most men who have experienced sociopathic entanglements DON’T recognize it as having been a disordered partner, and they do not speak out about their experiences due to STIGMA.
I’m not offended, whatsoever. I wish more men would come forward to level this perception, properly. Education is an imperative, and it would be so helpful for other men to read about peer healing and recovery.
Brightest blessings
Donna, SPOT-ON regarding the Americans With Disabilities Act. Precisely why putting the angst into positive energy would be such a service.
Denise, the problem with an ADA advocate for PTSD is that I believe that YOU must pay for this and “certified” advocates for this charge 50$-150 per HOUR….plus travel costs and so on, which iin one case I know of personally, the “Advocate” would have charged over $10,000 for a one-two day court appearance.
I am not sure that your “advocate” must be A “certified” advocate, but if it is, ANYONE with $500 can become “certified” with as little as an 18 hour course from any number of on-line “certification” agencies…sort of like getting on-line ministerial credentials I believe as there are no federal guidelines about what “certification” has to consist of.
Your PTSD is a RESULT of him stabbing you–DUH! So your problems are HIS FAULT…that’s why he is in jail. Your KIDS’S PTSD iis a result of HIM STABBING YOU…DUH! So I think you should counter his suit of wanting all these visitation and parental rights with TERMINATION OF ALL HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS because of what he has done to you and your kids. So I would think your kids’ therapists might testify that having to see him would be detrimental to their well being.
I think his outrageous (under the circumstances) suit ought to merit him a total loss of parental rights so LOOK AT THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY, Denise. This may be a blessing in disguise that because his requests are so outrageous under the circumstances that he will be denied ALL parental “rights”!!!
Then you and the kiddies move and change your names! BTW when he comes up for parole in 2-3 years, PROTEST HIS PAROLE, contact me and I will discuss how to do this and Donna will help and we will have letters from all over the world streaming in to the parole board against his parole. We can possibly keep him in there another 16 years!
Oxy,
Yes, Legal abuse advocates charge for their services, as any professional does. However, they don’t cost as much as lawyers. As was stated in the article Fact v. Feeling, many people bring ALL their problems to their lawyers and end up wasting the lawyers’ time – at $350 per hour.
A good legal abuse advocate will help the client figure out which issues should be brought to the lawyer and which should not. And, the advocate’s only job during a court appearance is to focus on the client, and make sure the client is able to participate fully – heading off efforts by the opposition to turn her (or him) into an emotional mess in front of the judge.
BDKR – Lovefraud is well aware that there are female sociopaths, and that they are just as damaging as male sociopaths. Most articles on Lovefraud.com and the Lovefraud blog refer to sociopaths as “he or she.” We also have a section of articles related to female sociopaths:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/category/the-sociopathic-disorder/female-sociopaths/
Still, statistically, there are more male sociopaths than female.
About 80% to 90% of our readers are women who have been involved with sociopathic men. So they are just describing their experience.
Welcome – I’m glad Lovefraud is helpful to you.
Donna, my problem with the “legal advocates” for PTSD is the “certification” process which consists of from 18 to 20 hours of “training” and one site suggests that they should charge 50-150 dollars an hour for their advocacy. I really don’t think a person with 18-20 hours of training should qualify for ANY “job” that pays $50 per hour up to $150—if so, I would like to get a job that pays that well.
I am acquainted personally with a case where a person going to court in a particularly bad custody case, where both she and her son have PTSD from the constant harassment of her x and the price for a 1-2 day trial would have been about $10,000 for these “services” as an advocate.
While I am totally FOR people charging a reasonable fee for what they do, and I realize that attorneys can and do charge hundreds of dollars per hour, and some “preachers” get millions of dollars a year for spreading the gospel of Jesus, I don’t think it is right to gouge people who are already down on the ground.
If it took a 4 year degree to get “certified” as a Legal Advocate that might in my opinion entitle someone to $50 per hour and expenses, but a 18 to 20 HOUR “training” course? Nah! That won’t fly for me paying someone $50-150 per hour.
Oh, by the way the, “Legal Advocate” my friend contacted also gives 18 hour “certification” courses for $500 and suggested that my friend could go to one of them and have a new career charging others $50-150 per hour. So, do I think some of the people who are presenting themselves as “certified legal advocates” are SCAMMERS, yep, that be it.