By Ox Drover
After reading Steve Becker’s article yesterday, I commented that most of the articles here on Lovefraud that could be entitled “1001 Things I Did Wrong in Dealing with a Psychopath” were the ones that applied most to my own dealings with them.
That was meant as a joke, but after I left that comment for Steve, I got to thinking about how right-on it was, joke or not, because I have done so much wrong in dealing with these people. I got my self deeper and deeper into trouble, doing the wrong things in interacting with them. Not that I was intentionally doing something mean or “wrong” per se, but I didn’t make choices that led to positive outcomes in dealing with the psychopaths in my life.
One of the reasons I did 1001 things wrong was that I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with people who had good intentions toward me, just as I had good intentions toward them. Boy, was that a wrong thing to assume. But because I assumed this error in fact about their intentions, I tried to “be reasonable” with them. That sure didn’t work. They broke their word to me time and time again. It took me a long time “to get it through my thick skull,” as MaryJo Buttafuoco said in her book, and then, when I did get it through my thick head that “Person A” couldn’t be trusted, I didn’t “generalize” that knowledge to other people who also broke their words to me over and over and over again.
Learning to generalize
Even animals can learn to generalize. A friend and I trained steer, getting them used to “something that rattled.” It didn’t matter what rattled; we would use plastic milk jugs with rocks in them, and tie those jugs to their tails so that every time they took a step, this “rattling monster” attached to them would make noise and follow them. For a little while they were scared and ran from it, but eventually they got the idea that the “rattling monster” wasn’t going to be outrun by them (it always kept up), and it wasn’t actually going to hurt them. Eventually they decided anything that rattled and made noise was harmless.
With one set of young steers my friend trained though, if you got them used to a white jug with rocks in it, and they weren’t afraid of it any more, if you used a yellow jug, they would go back to SQUARE ONE PANIC AGAIN, with each tiny change in the “monster.” They didn’t “generalize” very well and were always hyper-alert and on guard. He eventually got them so they were “dynamite proof,” so he could take them out in public without being afraid they would panic at the first sound they weren’t used to, or the first loud retort from a fire cracker, but he and I both thought for a long time they might not ever generalize enough to be safe from panicking and running away out in public.
Abusive behavior
I think in a way I also didn’t “generalize” the abusive behaviors of the various psychopaths I encountered. When a boss would be dishonest and verbally abusive to me, I was upset and “panicked” at the unexpected behavior, trying to figure out how to not get hurt, but when a relative would do this same kind of behavior I, again, panicked and didn’t realize that the “rattle” was just the same kind of “monster” that I had encountered with the other psychopath. Of course I didn’t realize then that the psychopathic “monsters” had a name or that their lack of empathy and their damage was definitely destructive, unlike a milk jug with a few rocks in it.
I not only tried to be “reasonable” with the psychopaths, but I also tried to placate them, to make them see, by being extra nice to them and not “bowing up and fighting back,” that I wasn’t trying to hurt them. I wanted to be “friends” and get along.
Of course, when a prey animal tries to get along with a predator animal we know what happens, don’t we? The prey animal gets the worst end of the deal. Yep, I did get the worst end of the deal trying to “make nice” with the psychopaths, but again, I didn’t learn that a psychopath is a psychopath is a psychopath is a predator! Rather than generalize this hurtful behavior to a class of people, I saw each one as an individual person with “reasons” and “excuses” and the “potential to change” and “see the light” when there was no chance that they were going to have any empathy, much less sympathy, for the pain they caused me or anyone else. They didn’t give a hoot how badly they hurt me as long as they got what they wanted.
Wanted to get along
I also didn’t really see what it was that they actually wanted. I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain, I wanted to love people and get along with them and share good things and help folks out. This is what I thought that everyone wanted. What they actually did want, however, was to control me, humiliate me, and to get me to provide them with their own twisted idea of a relationship—all take on their part and all give on mine.
Just like the hyper-alert steers, I didn’t feel comfortable, and was always jumpy, expecting something to hit me, but I wasn’t sure where it would come from, so each time a psychopath lied to me, stole from me, took advantage of me, I was totally surprised again and again.
Eventually that young pair of steers got to where they were not surprised by anything in the way of a loud noise and they calmed down and became a reliable pair of working steers (oxen). But it was only because they learned to move from the individual to the general concepts of what would or would not hurt them. They learned that a little yappy dog running at their feet was not a danger, but that a large aggressive dog was something that they should kick at or hook at with their horns. They learned that the sound of a fire cracker or a car back firing, or a cannon shooting at a historical reenactment, wasn’t going to hurt them and they didn’t need to pay it any attention. They learned to distinguish between harmless noises like people yelling or laughing and their drover saying “get up” and meaning it!
I’m not sure why these particular steers were so difficult to train. Perhaps it was because the breed was the wilder Spanish cattle from Mexico whose ancestors that had not jumped every time there was a noise in the brush had been taken out of the gene pool by the wolves, coyotes and mountain lions, so only the “jumpy” ones were left.
Changed my response
I’m also not sure why I didn’t generalize from the abusive behavior I endured over and over, or change the failed attempts to get it to stop by doing repeatedly something that had not worked. Someone once said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I sure did enough of that for two lifetimes. Now I have changed the way I respond to abusive behavior. I am learning to distinguish the difference between “harmless rattles” and “real threats” from predators.
I have made some general “rules” to guide me in my differentiation of what is “harmless” and what is “threatening.” First off, it depends on how close to me the threat is. A rattle snake at 10 yards from me is no threat at all. I know he could hurt me if he was closer, but I will not let him get close enough to strike me, so I don’t have to fear him. If that same rattle snake is 3 feet from me, I take a different view of the potential for harm from the same snake, and react in a different way than I do to the one who is 30 feet away.
If a person who is not “close to me” lies to me, it probably isn’t going to be much of a danger to me, unless it is a big business deal. I don’t fear that lie from someone I don’t really have any connection with, I just notice (like with the rattle snake at a distance) that the person is dishonest, I don’t want him to get closer to me.
If a person who is “close to me” lies, that has a much bigger potential for harm to me, both emotionally and otherwise. Therefore I will move away from that dishonest person, put some distance between me and them so that if they do strike, they won’t be close enough to hit me or do any significant damage.
Threat or benign
Once I have determined that a person, animal, or object is a potential threat rather than a benign creature, I will keep a wary eye on it. I won’t make excuses for the potential damage, and once it has tried to hurt me, it won’t have another chance. I no longer trust anything or anyone without assessing the potential damage that could be done.
Cynical? No, I don’t think so, just cautious. I don’t venture into the world like there are no dangers out there, no evil people. I do know now that there are some evil creatures in the world, some potential threats to my life, sanity and health. But I no longer walk in terror, because I have realized what the evil creatures are. I am no longer terrified of the “rattling milk jugs,” but I give a wide berth to the “poison snakes.”
I’ve finally personally learned from the “1001e things I did wrong in dealing with psychopaths.”
He wants his pound of flesh ey Dupey. Gosh, you were so on the money when you said they can’t stand strong people who stand up to them. Oh, dear Lord the sparks would fly if I told him what I thought or defended myself. He would say, “why are you defending yourself. There’s no need.”
Ah yes there was …..I was being gaslighted. Or is it gaslit, lol?
Can’t you move away? What about living nearer your daughter so he can’t find you. It must drive you kerazy!!!!!
Ps it’s been gorgeous here for 2days. Sunny and no rain. I know you like to keep abreast of the weather situation in Yorkshire, lol
strongawoman: Ey, I guess that’s what he wanted, his pound of flesh. Hm? It’s true: once they know you are on to them, they just go off the edge. They don’t like having their mask ripped off. They prefer being that ‘plastic’ person they have become skilled at impersonating.
Gaslighted…yes, that’s the word.
I suppose you could have been gaslit, as well, though; you never know with a ppath/spath.
Moving away was an option for a long while but I just feel like why should “I” have to be the one to change anything about my life? Hm? HE is the one who can change his behavior. I am hoping that after that last escort out of town, he will remember that and just not bother anymore. They don’t like ‘targets’ that are ‘in the know’ and able to defend themselves with intelligence. They like the ‘easy marks’ the best…
Ahhhhhh: I can smell the fragrance on your breeze…
I so would love to come there and run through the meadows and picnic on a blanket and just suck it all in…you are so fortunate….
Been very hot and on the humid side, here; unusual, however, there is a tropical storm trying to brew off the Baja coast. I hope it rains here soon. Haven’t seen rain in a very long time.
Have a good night, strongawoman…
love and blessings to you.
Dupey
What sickos these S/Paths are. I have been reading Dupey and Strongawoman’s stories and am horrified at the violence and havoc wrought by the Destroyers in their lives.
I truly do think that S/Paths are part of a dark army, whose mission is to blight, maim and besmirch all things that are true, bright, pure and lovely, because they do not possess those characteristics in themselves. I’ve just finished reading ‘In Sheep’s Clothing’ and am reminded that Lucifer, the fallen angel, was once an archangel of light – just as these predators in our midst are wolves garbed in the woolly cuteness of a sheep.
Still Reeling, don’t ever let Godzilla make you believe his lies . It is precisely because you had something that he desired that he was attracted to you in the first place. From your posts, you sound bright, funny and attractive! He tried to destroy your sense of self worth by leading you into a hall of distorting mirrors where you can no longer see yourself clearly. Don’t let him win.
I had one of those ‘aha’ moments last night, as I was reading through the LF blogs. The strategies that have worked for us in the past to keep us safe don’t necessarily work with S/Paths. I have always been sensitive to ‘stuff ‘going on ‘under the table’ and part of my training has been to ‘speak it out’ so that issues are, quite literally, ‘tabled’ for discussion. So I always brought things out into the open during my time with the spath. I spoke of what I was feeling and seeing – including my growing confusion and tension between what I knew instinctively to be right and wrong, and the direction our friendship was moving in. Big mistake. The S/path used it all against me. He would say: ‘I understand’ and then do everything in his power to gaslight and confuse me, to the point that I really felt I was losing my way, and my sanity. And did, for a while.
I have to take responsibility for my actions if I am to heal. I know I am culpable for wavering in my marriage vows, albeit very briefly. Yet I also have to remember that I cannot allow the S/path to destroy me by making me believe that the two decades of faithfulness and service to my family under often tough conditions have been obliterated by a moment’s folly.
I have been going through an exercise which has been helpful and which I thought I would share with the Blog. It has been to research the origins and root meanings of my name. What an empowering and healing experience it has proven to be. My name carries connotations of ‘light’ in all its multiple meanings: purity, beauty, lightness of being, fairness and justice. When I discovered this I wept, because all of those things are very important to me and my name is therefore an outward manifestation of the person I was created to be. I love beauty in all its forms – music, art, nature, relationships. I love things that are ‘true, pure, lovely and of good report’. I am passionate about fairness and justice in the world. So I am holding on to my name, like a talisman. When dark thoughts come – which they do – I am comforted by the fact that my story is not yet ended. I have made a bad mistake. I am very fallible. I am very human. I am not perfect. But that is OK – provided that I move on, learn from the experience, recommit to what is truly important and worthwhile and seek to help others along the road.
Peace and light to all.
Ash, there is so much in your post that grabs me. I, too, brought all things out to path (prob said that above) that I felt were bizarre, weird, strange or plain hurtful about him. Put it all on the table as you did. Till I read your post today, I did not realize that he could take even that and use it against me…talk about an aha moment. I’m not sure I can pinpoint just how he did that. As I said, when I came into his life, the s was beginning to hit the fan for him…..he was fired 6 mos later. So I don’t think he had time to really give me the full whammy…but then again, Ash, I don’t know.
I told him over and over that I can’t be friends with someone who can’t even tell me what kind of flu they had (smile “a general flu”), where he was going on vaca (“she planned it-I don’t know”). It made me feel like I was some lackey that didn’t deserve to know. As you said, it made me feel personally inadequate, insecure. Just what they thrive upon.
Then later the same day, he’d tell me about an argument he had with his wife or discuss his personal feelings about religion. Heck, every day that he chose to speak to me, he’d tell me he was in a brain fog, couldn’t do his job. Sometimes I’d correct notes he sent out to the dept. He would tell me how difficult it was to write even one sentence, he was so foggy. If I chose not to correct his notes, he’d shoot me an email saying that he expected my corrections…such a roller coaster. Because I was sucked into him already, I wanted to believe, ahhhh, it’ll be ok now…he trusts me, he was just teasing before when he was being secretive. So in that sense, I can see where he was playing with me. Withholding followed by pretty intense sharing of personal info. This was a pattern. But I believed him and I believed he trusted me.
Ash, your 4th paragraph is so well-written and pretty much verbatim what happened to me both externally with path and internally. I felt exactly the same way. I guess I was gaslighted by that crumb of nature. There were a couple of times where I became very anxious thinking that he was truly insane and what if he went to my husband or child!! Lied to them? I got very uncomfortable about that and it made me hate him and want to flee. He was my boss and I couldn’t p him off…at the very least, he could probably have gotten me fired.
I appreciate Ash, your kind words about the way you see me and your support re: path and his ability to push me further into the house of mirrors. He chose well as I always say out here. He could tell I was already in an insecure state, since I had been laid off from my home away from home, hurting so bad. Instead of support, he saw a tender cut of meat, something he could enjoy devouring until there was nothing left but the bone.
You are correct, dear Ash. We have to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to be strong. I have also been married for 2 decades and am a mom. There have been problems in my marriage that def led me to path, but I don’t believe in cheating. It’s kind of complicated…as they say on FB. Oh yes, when I let path know he was kooky as a demented parrot, he said, “Yes, I’m very complicated.” I found myself interested in any and everything about him…I would ply him with questions. It was so weird! Why was I so interested in him as a person.
One thing I def believe is that he had religion shoved down his throat as a kid. I think along with is wiring for sickness, this did not help. He struggles. Tough noogies. Work it out on the treadmill, not on people!!
I like that you decided to the roots of your name to find some support and healing. Your name reflects exactly what I see in your posts. “’light’ in all its multiple meanings: purity, beauty, lightness of being, fairness and justice…”
Beautiful person. Thx again for sharing. It’s so meaningful to me personally and I’m sure to the other amazing and strong people here on this blog.
Peace and light….yes. To all.
Hi Dupey!!
I want to believe that Godzilla thought I was too strong but what I really think happened is that he had too much on his plate, I entered his life on the brink of that and also, with my being older, he found younger meat that was more appealing to him..sorry if that offends anyone. I truly believe it. Yeah, he prob saw something in me he wanted (“There’s something about you,” he once said to me, while rubbing his chin. Hell, Dupey, I lived off that for weeks!! I thought it was a compliment.) Very disgusting. I let comments like that strengthen my emotional backbone, fill me with euphoria, make me feel whole, make me feel like I was in a dream. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT????????????
Not yelling, just so angry at myself. I would placate and cajole and tell him I’d never hurt or rat him out, EVER. Why did I do that?????? I never said a word to anyone at the office about him even after he left…hell no…because maybe, if I were really lucky, he’d come after me and torture me again! Lucky, lucky me.
Hey listen, he didn’t throw many crumbs my way. He did the bare minimum and I enhanced everything. I told him that months after he was fired. I sent him an email saying he was not the guy I thought he was and that I created him for my own purposes. Eh, I’m just sick of him and his douche bag smile. Truth be told, I can’t stand the guy.
Dupey, I have to say if Godzilla said he beat his wife, I would have run the other way. Why did you stay in after he told you that? Nope, I could not have dealt with that.
Not that mental torture is better than physical, but you can see, feel, touch a beating…I would have immediately seen him differently, immediately as a danger and possibly someone who could/would hurt my fam or me. Panic attack city! I would have def had to rat him out. In fact, if I had known then what I know now (he was I truly a sick f) I would have tried to find someone there I trusted and tell them..I didn’t trust anyone there or the owners of the contracting company we worked for. They were greedy pigs, so prob would have just thrown me out, but he did get fired finally….so. But anyway, I don’t get that Dupey. It just makes me sick that you allowed him to stay in your life after he told you he beat his wife. Help me understand.
Dupey, I would never expect an apology from him. First off, I wouldn’t believe it or anything else he said. Nothing. He could not make me believe one word out of his mouth. He dissed me completely once fired. He did keep calling me all that week and never would spit anything out-that used to drive me nuts. Also, he knew my hub was home…what a sick F.
And when I sent my explanatory email to him after months of no explanation from him, again before I knew he was a path (believe me, had I realized it, I would have come out and said that I understood he was a sociopath and there was no help for him so goooooooooooooood luck, sorry to have known you you perverted piece of s, but now I get it), the response he sent me was 3 words or so. Boy I let him have it in response telling him I needed and wanted nothing from him but sure hoped he could find some peace for himself. If I thought it would do any good, I’d call or email him and rip him a new one…but I know it wouldn’t make any diff. Whoever got him fired is MY HERO. They had guts.
OK Dupey, listen, I care about you….we out here are all cut from the same cloth. Believe me, there are millions of people who have been approached or hit on by paths and they do not play. So we all have common traits. I am you, you are me. So not picking on you at all.. I just don’t understand how you stayed involved with him after he said he physicallly beat his wife. Perhaps you were so involved, this went right over your head…I know that feeling.
Lots of love…I do care.
Thanks Still Reeling for your kind words. ((((Big hugs)))).
Like you, I have moments of self-loathing and ‘how could I have dones’ But we can’t let these bad dudes win, or have any more ‘free rental space’ in our lives. We owe it to ourselves, our partners and our children. One thing is for sure: I am going to buy my daughters the book ‘Love Fraud’ for their 18th birthdays!!
still reeling: I didn’t stay with him before that or after that. He was or had been my friend for ten years. We never lived together because I would never allow it. He never told me he got married and had been for half that time. Lied, deceived, stalked….played it for all it was worth. I trusted him and he was my friend; right? Or, so I thought…until the layers of deceit started peeling off and I started seeing that I was just another ‘target’ like all the rest. Yes, I loved him. However, that love was directed at the LIE OF THAT PERSON and not the REAL PERSON. Does that make any sense?
I stayed connected to him because I supported the ex wife through all of this as much as I loved and cared about him.
He is a transitioning veteran and so ‘not there’ but that is not the brunt of his problem. He has been a psychopath long before he did his service. You can’t sit in a room with him for long and not notice it. Something is definitely seriously wrong. Creepy wrong; I kept my finger on him for a reason and a purpose. I felt sorry for his disabilities that are so NOTICEABLE. When I started hearing him speak of murdering his wife, prior to him beating her, well, I helped her and that is all I am going to say. I got her thanks already – her thanks is not necessary…HE IS A VERY SICK PERSON and only her and I completely understand this. She got away. She is fine now. And, I have ALMOST gotten away, now….I was basically PUSHED into this whole thing…fell right into it….it all started by innocent stalking…it was wonderful….and then the truths started coming out and, well, being the kind of person I am, instead of running from a responsibility that I see nobody else accepting, I delved right into it…head first. I tried to help him as much as I possibly could and all he did was find me entertainment and laughable and he would gluttonously take every effort without respect and/or gratitude. I have seen evil. I know what it is all about. What I just experienced is EVIL to the core. And, I am glad to be away from it and have it out of my life and world. Period.
I stayed connected so that I always had a handle on where he was and where he was coming from. THAT IS WHY. He is a beater, a liar, a vile and ugly, disgusting person who uses women for what he can get and then lily pads with no conscience nor remorse for anything he leaves in his wake. I never gave him the chance to beat me like he has all his other women. I have always been too strong and he would have gotten decimated and he knows it. He still might should he persist. Happy to report that it’s basically pretty quiet now. yay!
Oh no, they don’t offer apologies. THEY LAUGH at apologies. WE were at fault for allowing it all to happen is how they look at it….I see that now.
He is younger and me and the ex are ‘older’ by about 20 years. WE WERE TARGETED in the SAME PLACE, in the exact same ways and it was because of ‘who’ were were and ‘what’ we had. No other reason. And there are more of us. LOTS MORE. When I stopped counting, there were eight. Three of them he is married to. THAT is why I stayed ‘connected’. But, you know what? I am not connected anymore. I severed that connection – that mind connection and it was very difficult. It was almost like an exorcism and I am not just ‘whistling dixie’. I have learned over the course of the past few weeks that I can’t be every ‘targets’ SUPERHERO and follow him around and try warning people or saving ‘victims’ lives, anymore, the way I have been doing.
I stayed connected because I helped the ex wife make sense out of it all; she told me I saved her life and I believe her. THAT is why I stayed connected.
Yes, we are all cut from that same cloth: character and virtues means something to us, where it does not to them, at all.
Does this explain to you why I stayed in that ‘connection’?
It’s what I have always done for a living: try helping people…
In a lot of ways, I have even intervened and saved HIS STUPID ASS on several occasions. All with no meaning. Only ugliness and threats of my demise. Bring it on.
Well, he has brought it on a few times and lo and behold, was shown the way out of town….hope he never forgets that because he isn’t welcome in this town anymore. Nor are his communications, although, once in a while, I still get the infrequent ‘intrusion’. I AM NOT AFRAID OF IT ANYMORE.
I just don’t want to know anymore. I am finished. There is no going back to that anymore.
I love you too and I know you care and I care about you too.
I know my reasons may seem difficult to understand but they were necessary. I so wanted his ex wife to not be murdered.
Comprende? She is safe now. I am (relatively) safe now. It is over. He has meat hooks in his back with some other babe…who he uses to call me, from time to time, on different numbers, just to scream and yell at me…hahahaha; so makes me laugh….
HAPPY DAY STILL REELING…
MAKE IT A GOOD ONE; hm?
Dupey
Wow, Dupey…..that is some story…I could not have even imagined. This could be turned into a pretty powerful novel or novella if you don’t feel like getting into that much work. Incredible that you put yourself out there as you did only to get so badly burned. And you had to go and fall in love with “him.” Worse, he was not “him” at all, just a fake in a mask. I am so sorry for all this awful drama and the chunk it took out of you.
Thankfully you seem to have arrived at a literally safer place in your life..physically (away from path and his psycho friends), mentally and emotionally. I realize you have heart and other medical problems….I can only hope Dupey, that your better outlook and very strong and positive attitude will affect your health and well-being in kind. I truly believe in the strength of a healthy mind-body connection. And vice versa unfortunatley, so you are officially prescribed by Dr Reeling to continue to engage in positive thinking and spiritually fulfilling/enjoyable activities that will strengthen and gladden your soul.
hugs
still reeling: Yah, some story, alright. And that is just PART of the complexity of the whole thing. Yah, it could be turned into a story but I LIVED IT and I just want it away from me now. The things I have relayed here, at LF, is only the skimmer of the surface of my experience with this ‘being’.
I did, I put myself out there because I cared and was trying to prevent a whole lot of devastation and in the process, devastated myself or allowed “IT” to. That is not the way it’s going to be anymore. Right, he was just a fake in a mask.
It did take a huge chunk out of my life. Five years worth, although I have known him ten. For two of those five years, I could only sit in a room and SOB, I mean SOB from my soul. I was a complete mess. He never cared and found it humorous. Sent me wishes and messages that he wished I would just die. And, there were days I wished the same thing too. The mind farking was just unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.
Yes, THANKFULLY, I seem to have arrived at a relatively “safer place” in my life, at the moment and for the moment. I still am occasionally stalked but that’s alright; as long as it’s out of my face now is all that really matters to me.
I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I threw away someone that I THOUGHT was my best friend and someone who I KNOW is so sick, and a veteran on top of it, but I am not living with that abuse. Let someone else have it. If THEY find that acceptable, more power to them.
Thanks, Dr. Reeling, for your wonderful prognosis. I will keep that in mind and carry it with me. xxoo Best prognosis I have had in years, my Dear. Thank you.
I am doing MUCH better just having all that drama and chaos away from me. I am starting to find MY LIFE again and I am not relinquishing it to anyone anymore. What’s left is MINE; all mine and not “ITS”. He isn’t going to win. In fact, I would say he has already, very much, lost, and that bothers my sense of conscience, which is something that has never bothered him.
I figure that makes ME the ‘bigger person’. Right?
Adios “IT”…and all your connected “THINGS”, I am finished with you and your ugliness…move along now and go find yourself another target to victimize.
Hugs back, Dr. Reeling…
I hope you will have an awesome day.
Dupey
xxoo
Dear Dupey,
You survived this horrific experience and yet you remain steadfast in your compassion for others. For us, people you have never met. No self pitying, no wallowing in misery or ay me!
you have been such a help to me. You don’t judge, you listen and that is such a gift. In my early days on LF, you said to me remember your value, remember your worth. I’ve never forgotten that. Nobody has ever said that to me before. I just wanted you to know that. All of the above. Your kindness and compassion for another human being ….and one you’ve never met…isn’t in vain. I feel your care and your concern. It’s tangible.
I’m so rooting for you, Dupers. Get that spath behind you, where it belongs.!
Your friend,
SW