By Ox Drover
After reading Steve Becker’s article yesterday, I commented that most of the articles here on Lovefraud that could be entitled “1001 Things I Did Wrong in Dealing with a Psychopath” were the ones that applied most to my own dealings with them.
That was meant as a joke, but after I left that comment for Steve, I got to thinking about how right-on it was, joke or not, because I have done so much wrong in dealing with these people. I got my self deeper and deeper into trouble, doing the wrong things in interacting with them. Not that I was intentionally doing something mean or “wrong” per se, but I didn’t make choices that led to positive outcomes in dealing with the psychopaths in my life.
One of the reasons I did 1001 things wrong was that I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with people who had good intentions toward me, just as I had good intentions toward them. Boy, was that a wrong thing to assume. But because I assumed this error in fact about their intentions, I tried to “be reasonable” with them. That sure didn’t work. They broke their word to me time and time again. It took me a long time “to get it through my thick skull,” as MaryJo Buttafuoco said in her book, and then, when I did get it through my thick head that “Person A” couldn’t be trusted, I didn’t “generalize” that knowledge to other people who also broke their words to me over and over and over again.
Learning to generalize
Even animals can learn to generalize. A friend and I trained steer, getting them used to “something that rattled.” It didn’t matter what rattled; we would use plastic milk jugs with rocks in them, and tie those jugs to their tails so that every time they took a step, this “rattling monster” attached to them would make noise and follow them. For a little while they were scared and ran from it, but eventually they got the idea that the “rattling monster” wasn’t going to be outrun by them (it always kept up), and it wasn’t actually going to hurt them. Eventually they decided anything that rattled and made noise was harmless.
With one set of young steers my friend trained though, if you got them used to a white jug with rocks in it, and they weren’t afraid of it any more, if you used a yellow jug, they would go back to SQUARE ONE PANIC AGAIN, with each tiny change in the “monster.” They didn’t “generalize” very well and were always hyper-alert and on guard. He eventually got them so they were “dynamite proof,” so he could take them out in public without being afraid they would panic at the first sound they weren’t used to, or the first loud retort from a fire cracker, but he and I both thought for a long time they might not ever generalize enough to be safe from panicking and running away out in public.
Abusive behavior
I think in a way I also didn’t “generalize” the abusive behaviors of the various psychopaths I encountered. When a boss would be dishonest and verbally abusive to me, I was upset and “panicked” at the unexpected behavior, trying to figure out how to not get hurt, but when a relative would do this same kind of behavior I, again, panicked and didn’t realize that the “rattle” was just the same kind of “monster” that I had encountered with the other psychopath. Of course I didn’t realize then that the psychopathic “monsters” had a name or that their lack of empathy and their damage was definitely destructive, unlike a milk jug with a few rocks in it.
I not only tried to be “reasonable” with the psychopaths, but I also tried to placate them, to make them see, by being extra nice to them and not “bowing up and fighting back,” that I wasn’t trying to hurt them. I wanted to be “friends” and get along.
Of course, when a prey animal tries to get along with a predator animal we know what happens, don’t we? The prey animal gets the worst end of the deal. Yep, I did get the worst end of the deal trying to “make nice” with the psychopaths, but again, I didn’t learn that a psychopath is a psychopath is a psychopath is a predator! Rather than generalize this hurtful behavior to a class of people, I saw each one as an individual person with “reasons” and “excuses” and the “potential to change” and “see the light” when there was no chance that they were going to have any empathy, much less sympathy, for the pain they caused me or anyone else. They didn’t give a hoot how badly they hurt me as long as they got what they wanted.
Wanted to get along
I also didn’t really see what it was that they actually wanted. I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain, I wanted to love people and get along with them and share good things and help folks out. This is what I thought that everyone wanted. What they actually did want, however, was to control me, humiliate me, and to get me to provide them with their own twisted idea of a relationship—all take on their part and all give on mine.
Just like the hyper-alert steers, I didn’t feel comfortable, and was always jumpy, expecting something to hit me, but I wasn’t sure where it would come from, so each time a psychopath lied to me, stole from me, took advantage of me, I was totally surprised again and again.
Eventually that young pair of steers got to where they were not surprised by anything in the way of a loud noise and they calmed down and became a reliable pair of working steers (oxen). But it was only because they learned to move from the individual to the general concepts of what would or would not hurt them. They learned that a little yappy dog running at their feet was not a danger, but that a large aggressive dog was something that they should kick at or hook at with their horns. They learned that the sound of a fire cracker or a car back firing, or a cannon shooting at a historical reenactment, wasn’t going to hurt them and they didn’t need to pay it any attention. They learned to distinguish between harmless noises like people yelling or laughing and their drover saying “get up” and meaning it!
I’m not sure why these particular steers were so difficult to train. Perhaps it was because the breed was the wilder Spanish cattle from Mexico whose ancestors that had not jumped every time there was a noise in the brush had been taken out of the gene pool by the wolves, coyotes and mountain lions, so only the “jumpy” ones were left.
Changed my response
I’m also not sure why I didn’t generalize from the abusive behavior I endured over and over, or change the failed attempts to get it to stop by doing repeatedly something that had not worked. Someone once said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I sure did enough of that for two lifetimes. Now I have changed the way I respond to abusive behavior. I am learning to distinguish the difference between “harmless rattles” and “real threats” from predators.
I have made some general “rules” to guide me in my differentiation of what is “harmless” and what is “threatening.” First off, it depends on how close to me the threat is. A rattle snake at 10 yards from me is no threat at all. I know he could hurt me if he was closer, but I will not let him get close enough to strike me, so I don’t have to fear him. If that same rattle snake is 3 feet from me, I take a different view of the potential for harm from the same snake, and react in a different way than I do to the one who is 30 feet away.
If a person who is not “close to me” lies to me, it probably isn’t going to be much of a danger to me, unless it is a big business deal. I don’t fear that lie from someone I don’t really have any connection with, I just notice (like with the rattle snake at a distance) that the person is dishonest, I don’t want him to get closer to me.
If a person who is “close to me” lies, that has a much bigger potential for harm to me, both emotionally and otherwise. Therefore I will move away from that dishonest person, put some distance between me and them so that if they do strike, they won’t be close enough to hit me or do any significant damage.
Threat or benign
Once I have determined that a person, animal, or object is a potential threat rather than a benign creature, I will keep a wary eye on it. I won’t make excuses for the potential damage, and once it has tried to hurt me, it won’t have another chance. I no longer trust anything or anyone without assessing the potential damage that could be done.
Cynical? No, I don’t think so, just cautious. I don’t venture into the world like there are no dangers out there, no evil people. I do know now that there are some evil creatures in the world, some potential threats to my life, sanity and health. But I no longer walk in terror, because I have realized what the evil creatures are. I am no longer terrified of the “rattling milk jugs,” but I give a wide berth to the “poison snakes.”
I’ve finally personally learned from the “1001e things I did wrong in dealing with psychopaths.”
My Dearly Loved Strongawoman:
Your words mean more to me than you will ever know.
I often think about you, over there, in that BEAUTIFUL PLACE and at once, I am jealous and happy for you that you have that beauty to surround you. I feel as if I have known you all my life. Perhaps we were sisters in another lifetime. Hm?
I remain steadfast in my compassion for others because it is who I am. A caring and sometimes too kind person who has gotten taken advantage of many times in my life. Shame on those people. That is my philosophy.
We don’t have time to wallow in our misery nor feel self pity for our hardships because if we allow it to, it will suck away the good times as well; right? This life was meant to be enjoyed. Not to wallow in misery and hardships nor giving up our happiness for the sake of others, all the time, either.
I am so happy in my heart, that I have been a help to you on your journey, Lovey. That so warms my heart. I don’t judge. Who are we to judge another? However, with the situation of the ppath/spath, it is kind of difficult to NOT judge; isn’t it?
Yes, Dear: do remember your value and your worth, ALWAYS. Never allow anyone to have that part of you. You know who you are and what you stand for – deep down inside where it really matters and we don’t need validation nor acceptance on that; do we? Hm?
I am so happy you can ‘feel’ my care and concern for you.
It being ‘tangible’ for you is very special and I want you to always remember that and our friendship from afar; okay?
I am rooting for you too, Strongawoman, every day I include you in my thoughts and prayers.
We will be fine. We are strong and determined and there is no where else to go but up, now; right? Remember that….
……there is always sunshine after the storms.
mwah!
xxoo
Dupey
Mine was the opposite of mentally strong, he was funny, broke, uneducated, living at home, fresh out of prison and in no time I was nothing more than an atm he lived with. There was never a real intimate connection but he was so needy. All the warning signs were there and I ignored them all. I suppose I should thank Ross Wood for being a lying, cheating, cancer faking, horrible person for the lesson. I wised up once I disappeared from him and reunited with my 4th grade boyfriend and I can appreciate love that is real and true and that gives and doesntr just take from me.
I once told my spath he was the best man I had ever known. The man he initially pretended to be was the best man I had ever known. But the cracks did show early. Red flags…that I sometimes ignored and often , accepted ridiculous excuses for .
He asked me to do inappropriste things with other women, ofcourse I refused…I should have RUN.
He asked me to engadge in addictive substance use, some refused, some participation, all of which I deeply regret. Should have RUN…
Any time I attempted to draw a boundary with him, I was punished with cruelty and verbal abuse. He once dropped me off at home for interrupting his vivid story of sex with another woman in his youth (now I know he may have been telling me about someone he boinked, while I was gone at work the day before!…and yes, I should have RUN…) He became visibly enraged when I very calmly stated to him ” will you please consider my feelings that your story is disrespectful to me and I would like you to stop sharing your desire and lust for another woman with me. ”
He gave me what I now know as the predator stare. We were waiting to order dinner at a restaurant and he very harshly said ..”let’s go”…i asked where we were going, he said we were leaving.
Once back in the car, he verbally bashed me and took me home, dropped me off in the driveway and took off to go get dinner by himself. I stayed home and cried hysterically to my Mom…SHOULD HAVE RUN
The next morning , he told me no woman had ever told him to shut up before. Neither did I…I said it very respectfully. I don’t even recall if he said sorry. SO many times he offended me and I called him on it. Many times, he expressed regret. Every time was an opportunity to run that I wish I had taken.
I always felt like I was dealing with someone who never recieved the rule book on acceptable behavior in a love relationship…or more accurately, threw his manners away once he had me “hooked”
The first ~6m, I was treated like a princess, mostly …the last months and end of our time, I was treated w/ disdain, dishonor…outright hatred….oh why did I stay soooo long?
I now know that he had a relationship going on with another woman the whole time. The shame and humiliation I feel from that is deep b/c he put us around each other frequently…always telling me she treated me wierd b/c she had wanted a fling with him before we met….he told me he had turned her down. She seemed visibly upset often around me…she knew I lived with him…this must have hurt her deep too…he put her back into space one after discarding me.
I don’t envy her shoes…but the pain of betrayal is unlike anything I have ever felt…I have been cheated on before but not played in duo tandem fashion with the other woman being dragged in front of me all the time to socialize with. I bet many of their mutual freinds knew and wondered how I could be so daft.
Wow…how naive and trusting I WAS….never again
Bluemosaic
Bluemosaic, the lovebombing is the bait that spaths set their lures with, and the illusion is what sets the hook in the target’s mouths. I fell for the illusion and married a SECOND spath!
I remained because I was in denial of what was clearly a disordered relationship and in the depths of cognitive dissonance. Cog/diss, as it was explained to me by my counselor, is when I try to fit another person’s actions and behaviors into my own set of beliefs. I wouldn’t defraud someone of their finances and entertain a violent sexual double-life behind their backs, so anyone that I CARED ABOUT wouldn’t do that to me. It’s an attempt to rationalize a situation.
Think about music. There are composers who deliberately put together “dissonant” chords and melodies to deliberately create an uncomfortable physical reaction to their composition. Compare this to how we “feel” when we’re experiencing abusive treatment that makes us physically and emotionally uncomfortable. We attempt to process what we’re experiencing to make sense out of it so that we can find that comfort zone, again.
The further we move away from that source of discomfort, the clearer our thinking becomes. Today, I’m feeling a little more confident that I can set boundaries and maintain them with everyone, across the board. By working on this, I don’t experience so much cog/diss.
And, someone told me just recently that it’s not particularly “good” to live as “untrusting.” Suspicion can evolve into paranoia, and I’m VERY suspicious of people and their motives, now. I don’t “like” feeling this way because I’m putting the halt on a lot of possible friendships due to this suspicion. At some point, that pendulum is going to swing back into the center, I hope! 😀
Cut yourself some slack, today, Bluemosaic. Try to keep in mind that you were targeted and that your strengths were used against you, as well as your vulnerabilities. Find just ONE of those strengths and take it back as your own: courage, resourcefulness, spiritual connections, whatever – take just one of those strengths back and claim it as your own, forever.
Brightest blessings
bluemosaic:
He used the classic triangulation on you. The same thing happened to me, but that concept was so foreign to me, I didn’t even realize what was happening. No one had ever done that before. It takes a spath to do that.
There are ALWAYS other women. Any woman who thinks there is not is fooling herself. Take care.
Truthspeak:
You can have new friends and relationships and still be cautious. That is what I have been doing. Not with men as I am not dating, but even with other women…I just listen and observe and look for red flags. They will show up if someone is not on the up and up. It’s funny…there is a lady who volunteers in the children’s ministry with me and she reminds me a lot of OW! Just kind of the way she talks and her mannerisms so I am staying very superficial with her. She’s much younger than me anyway so we probably wouldn’t have a strong friendship. She could be totally great and honest, but I am not going to take that chance. Don’t get me wrong, we get along fine and she is nice and all that…it’s just in the back of my head all the time that she could be untrustworthy. It doesn’t mean we can’t associate with people, but I think we should always keep at the forefront what they might be if we see red flags or have something in our gut that is telling us something. That is how I feel about this woman. I feel “something” when I am around her and I don’t know if it’s just because she reminds me of OW or if it is something legit. We will be OK as long as we remain cautious.
Hi Lou! How are you today ? x Blue, you said ”I always felt like I was dealing with someone who never recieved the rule book on acceptable behavior in a love relationship”or more accurately, threw his manners away once he had me “hooked”
I’ve been there; my abuser was taught by his grandmother and his mother that he was a golden child. Entitled. Any woman would be lucky to have him. The lives of his two wives , he made utterly miserable. Wife number one? Domestic violence and abandonment of mother and young child, who ended up living in a hostel at one point whilst he lived in a spacious apartment and was trolling the alps for an attractive new target on a skiiing holiday. He found her, wife number two, she moves 3000 miles to live with him, leaves her family, a career. She is now a depressed housewife earning pocket money on saturdays in a shop. He cheats on her, lies to her and their young son, and schemes to separate from her whilst keeping her rightful share of their apartment. He cheats online and off when he can, and his mother encourages him.
My point is that these people do not ensnare us by being less than endearing, charming, ingratiaing at the beginning. That’s why you mustn’t be hard on yourself. They fool even the professionals, even when they have been jailed for crimes. So with their best mask on, of course we can get fooled. And you are right, the mask drops after time and the cruelty, rudeness, humilations, crassness and violence begins.
After months of presenting his mask to me, my abuser showed his real self. Cultured? No, he watches television in holey slippers and jogging bottoms . Enjoys food and restaurants? No, the resturants stopped by the second holiday, and he insisted I cook two meals a day for him. He started being offensive. Cracking his joints, to annoy me, or as some form of passive aggression. He laughed when I looked…taken aback. He’s crack his fingers, wrists, ankles…it was bizarre and offensive to me. He put on music I hated. I asked him to turn it down a bit. He laughed , refused and said ”Just don’t listen”. And so on. Just a slob, with a cultured mask.
Lou, know what you mean. I am keeping people at arms length. Even women at work who are probably OK. That makes me sad as I don’t want to become a paranoiac, constantly psychopath spotting, I want to keep the facts in mind, there are way more decent people out there. But yes, like you, am very cautious right now about letting anyone too close. x
Tea Light:
I think it’s good to be cautious though and am glad you are doing the same. After all, it was NOT being cautious that got me into the mess I experienced so I feel like I can be friendly and all that without putting my whole emotional self into something that is going to hurt me again. Hope all is well in your world today! x
Exactly Lou, that’s what I need to learn, that some friendships can be casual, not pouring your heart out intimate friendships. I’m just not very good at casual friendships . I don’t really know how they work! Lol. You know, the playing tennis friend, the occasional lunch friend. I’m not very good at those friendships, I need to learn that a variety of friends who are safe is the thing to aim for, and that not all of them will be necessarily intimate friends, and that that’s OK.