By Ox Drover
After reading Steve Becker’s article yesterday, I commented that most of the articles here on Lovefraud that could be entitled “1001 Things I Did Wrong in Dealing with a Psychopath” were the ones that applied most to my own dealings with them.
That was meant as a joke, but after I left that comment for Steve, I got to thinking about how right-on it was, joke or not, because I have done so much wrong in dealing with these people. I got my self deeper and deeper into trouble, doing the wrong things in interacting with them. Not that I was intentionally doing something mean or “wrong” per se, but I didn’t make choices that led to positive outcomes in dealing with the psychopaths in my life.
One of the reasons I did 1001 things wrong was that I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I thought I was dealing with people who had good intentions toward me, just as I had good intentions toward them. Boy, was that a wrong thing to assume. But because I assumed this error in fact about their intentions, I tried to “be reasonable” with them. That sure didn’t work. They broke their word to me time and time again. It took me a long time “to get it through my thick skull,” as MaryJo Buttafuoco said in her book, and then, when I did get it through my thick head that “Person A” couldn’t be trusted, I didn’t “generalize” that knowledge to other people who also broke their words to me over and over and over again.
Learning to generalize
Even animals can learn to generalize. A friend and I trained steer, getting them used to “something that rattled.” It didn’t matter what rattled; we would use plastic milk jugs with rocks in them, and tie those jugs to their tails so that every time they took a step, this “rattling monster” attached to them would make noise and follow them. For a little while they were scared and ran from it, but eventually they got the idea that the “rattling monster” wasn’t going to be outrun by them (it always kept up), and it wasn’t actually going to hurt them. Eventually they decided anything that rattled and made noise was harmless.
With one set of young steers my friend trained though, if you got them used to a white jug with rocks in it, and they weren’t afraid of it any more, if you used a yellow jug, they would go back to SQUARE ONE PANIC AGAIN, with each tiny change in the “monster.” They didn’t “generalize” very well and were always hyper-alert and on guard. He eventually got them so they were “dynamite proof,” so he could take them out in public without being afraid they would panic at the first sound they weren’t used to, or the first loud retort from a fire cracker, but he and I both thought for a long time they might not ever generalize enough to be safe from panicking and running away out in public.
Abusive behavior
I think in a way I also didn’t “generalize” the abusive behaviors of the various psychopaths I encountered. When a boss would be dishonest and verbally abusive to me, I was upset and “panicked” at the unexpected behavior, trying to figure out how to not get hurt, but when a relative would do this same kind of behavior I, again, panicked and didn’t realize that the “rattle” was just the same kind of “monster” that I had encountered with the other psychopath. Of course I didn’t realize then that the psychopathic “monsters” had a name or that their lack of empathy and their damage was definitely destructive, unlike a milk jug with a few rocks in it.
I not only tried to be “reasonable” with the psychopaths, but I also tried to placate them, to make them see, by being extra nice to them and not “bowing up and fighting back,” that I wasn’t trying to hurt them. I wanted to be “friends” and get along.
Of course, when a prey animal tries to get along with a predator animal we know what happens, don’t we? The prey animal gets the worst end of the deal. Yep, I did get the worst end of the deal trying to “make nice” with the psychopaths, but again, I didn’t learn that a psychopath is a psychopath is a psychopath is a predator! Rather than generalize this hurtful behavior to a class of people, I saw each one as an individual person with “reasons” and “excuses” and the “potential to change” and “see the light” when there was no chance that they were going to have any empathy, much less sympathy, for the pain they caused me or anyone else. They didn’t give a hoot how badly they hurt me as long as they got what they wanted.
Wanted to get along
I also didn’t really see what it was that they actually wanted. I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain, I wanted to love people and get along with them and share good things and help folks out. This is what I thought that everyone wanted. What they actually did want, however, was to control me, humiliate me, and to get me to provide them with their own twisted idea of a relationship—all take on their part and all give on mine.
Just like the hyper-alert steers, I didn’t feel comfortable, and was always jumpy, expecting something to hit me, but I wasn’t sure where it would come from, so each time a psychopath lied to me, stole from me, took advantage of me, I was totally surprised again and again.
Eventually that young pair of steers got to where they were not surprised by anything in the way of a loud noise and they calmed down and became a reliable pair of working steers (oxen). But it was only because they learned to move from the individual to the general concepts of what would or would not hurt them. They learned that a little yappy dog running at their feet was not a danger, but that a large aggressive dog was something that they should kick at or hook at with their horns. They learned that the sound of a fire cracker or a car back firing, or a cannon shooting at a historical reenactment, wasn’t going to hurt them and they didn’t need to pay it any attention. They learned to distinguish between harmless noises like people yelling or laughing and their drover saying “get up” and meaning it!
I’m not sure why these particular steers were so difficult to train. Perhaps it was because the breed was the wilder Spanish cattle from Mexico whose ancestors that had not jumped every time there was a noise in the brush had been taken out of the gene pool by the wolves, coyotes and mountain lions, so only the “jumpy” ones were left.
Changed my response
I’m also not sure why I didn’t generalize from the abusive behavior I endured over and over, or change the failed attempts to get it to stop by doing repeatedly something that had not worked. Someone once said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I sure did enough of that for two lifetimes. Now I have changed the way I respond to abusive behavior. I am learning to distinguish the difference between “harmless rattles” and “real threats” from predators.
I have made some general “rules” to guide me in my differentiation of what is “harmless” and what is “threatening.” First off, it depends on how close to me the threat is. A rattle snake at 10 yards from me is no threat at all. I know he could hurt me if he was closer, but I will not let him get close enough to strike me, so I don’t have to fear him. If that same rattle snake is 3 feet from me, I take a different view of the potential for harm from the same snake, and react in a different way than I do to the one who is 30 feet away.
If a person who is not “close to me” lies to me, it probably isn’t going to be much of a danger to me, unless it is a big business deal. I don’t fear that lie from someone I don’t really have any connection with, I just notice (like with the rattle snake at a distance) that the person is dishonest, I don’t want him to get closer to me.
If a person who is “close to me” lies, that has a much bigger potential for harm to me, both emotionally and otherwise. Therefore I will move away from that dishonest person, put some distance between me and them so that if they do strike, they won’t be close enough to hit me or do any significant damage.
Threat or benign
Once I have determined that a person, animal, or object is a potential threat rather than a benign creature, I will keep a wary eye on it. I won’t make excuses for the potential damage, and once it has tried to hurt me, it won’t have another chance. I no longer trust anything or anyone without assessing the potential damage that could be done.
Cynical? No, I don’t think so, just cautious. I don’t venture into the world like there are no dangers out there, no evil people. I do know now that there are some evil creatures in the world, some potential threats to my life, sanity and health. But I no longer walk in terror, because I have realized what the evil creatures are. I am no longer terrified of the “rattling milk jugs,” but I give a wide berth to the “poison snakes.”
I’ve finally personally learned from the “1001e things I did wrong in dealing with psychopaths.”
Oh this all sounds pretty bad..an ex BF packing heat from another planet to watch over me..can’t make this stuff up.
Iwonder – man, you slide back into denial fast!
this fellow DOES NOT have your back, NOTHING YOU HAVE SAID ABOUT HIM MAKES HIM FRIEND MATERIAL. it’s okay for your friends to be dishonest, just not your lovers???? brother? um, only if he’s like oxy’s son. jayzus girl, give your head a good shake.
And personally, i’d be wondering what he has planned for your guns. i’d question ANYTHING he wants to be a secret between you.
Hey One Step. I saw him last Sun for the first time since Aug when he picked up my bike. I didn’t ask if he is still dating the girlfriend he met back in March. I didn’t feel like bringing it up. I just wanted to eat and to tell him about my trip and Thanksgiving and he told me about his Thanksgiving..no mention of a girlfriend. I didn’t want it to be a “date.” I just wanted to spend time with a friend. If he has a girlfriend would that be “cheating?”
Iwonder – the issue is: he is not friend material. he has lied and is dishonest, and from what you have said, i think he is using you.
Well, I wonder, you know I am good friends with a guy I was madly in love with when I was 21—but that “friendship” has gone on lo these 40+ years and no hanky panky though once he let me know he would be interested (at the time I was single) and now he is married and has been for years….don’t see a lot of him and his wife now, but that’s okay I am friends with HER too. We see each other together, not separately.
I’ve always had lots of male friends when I was single or married, I just hung out with the guys cause that was who liked to do the same things with me (in fact my late husband and I were friends for 20 yrs before we got married) but you know, the thing is that I DON’T WANT ANYONE WHO IS DISHONEST with anyone to be my “friend”—whether they are just dishonest with their GF or wife or whatever, I figure if they are DISHONEST with others, they WILL BE DISHONEST WITH ME.
So I would I think classify this guy more of an “Aquaintence” than a “friend’—a “runnin’ buddy” rather than a genuine friend. To me a FRIEND is someone who will bring a spade and help you bury the bodies—or who will come in the middle of the night and bring their last cent without questioning why you need the money. Those are FEW and far between in this life I think. I am fortunate to have a few of that kind of FRIEND and I value them above diamonds. I’ve just gotten rid of the dishonest running buddies and pretend friends….and kept the valuable ones.
Iwonder=if you are planning to upgrade to a different firearm, I would go for the 40 cal or 45 instead of the 38. I never use my 38 because of the big ammo shortage in that caliber. It seems to be the thing that women are buying off the shelves for personal defense. I have a glock 27 (40 cal) and I love it. It’s the baby glock and it conceals well. Also, if you had to shoot someone with your 22, aim for a headshot. I am a trauma nurse and a headshot will turn someone into a vegetable for the rest of their life. It bounces around inside the skull and hits many areas of the brain. Sorry if I sound too morbid! LOL–also the grown man sleeping with the teddy bear is pretty hilarious!!
I Wonder:
Gotta tell ya, your friend is playing it the same way my husband did. He’s doing what I call Trolling. My husband would have lots on women on the line, and when one didn’t act the way he wanted, he just dropped her and picked another. (discovered this truth when the heartbreak of all he did just didn’t STOP.) All women (fish) are interchangable to these types, it’s just whatever is easiest. Women used that line on me, well we’re just friends, while not even asking him “why are you hanging with me and not with your wife?” (yes, I know, girlfriends aren’t wives, but if he’s that disrespectful to his girlfriend, he’s NOT husband material, he’s NOT friend material.) He’s lied to you, b/c withholding the truth is LYING.
Like Oxy, b/c of my career, I had lots of men friends. And the one thing I made sure of was to let their wives know that if a conversation/a meeting/a meal couldn’t happen in front of them, it wasn’t happening anywhere. A man who doesn’t talk about his woman, and doesn’t introduce you to show her (and you) that he is being respectful, isn’t looking for friendship.
You know. And it’s your job to protect your own dignity. Friend is his talk, but he’s not walking the talk.
ps Yes, I Wonder, if he has a girlfriend, yes that would be cheating and the scumbag exploited you to do it.
Good point, Nolongernaive,
22’s are well known for that factor—used to work head and spinal cord rehab and saw quite a few of those brain injuries post 22 to the head…I have a tarus “Judge” which shoots 410 or 45 long colt, it is a BIG gun, but great for in-home defense as the 410 shot gun shells with five 9mm slugs in each load won’t go through walls and injure someone on the other side. Gives you a better chance with 5 shots of 5 pellets each too. Too large to carry, but lots of stopping power. Keep it under my Bible on the unused side of my bed. LOL Where else would a southern belle keep her pistole? LOL
I have a socio at my work who told me over a beer after work all about how he cheats on his wife. Another coworker was supposed to go with us and then cancelled at the last minute. I almost cancelled as well but I was curious if I was right about what he was. Turns out I was right on. He came right out and said that he had several affairs on her. He then claimed to be “so in love with his wife” BULLSHIT!! I told him a little about my spath experience and the pain of being duped by a cheating man and he had the “that’s what guys do” type of attitude about it. I asked him if he had an open marriage? He said “Oh no, I love my wife”. I asked how she would feel if she knew about his affairs. He said “she would be devastated”. I told him that was unacceptable.
I remembered what Oxy said about beware of people bearing gifts. This dude is always falling all over himself trying to help me out with stuff and trying to do me favors. He offered to help me move to my new place. I decided I would rather pay to hire movers. We had a large dinner for work at a restaurant on Friday night. He said earlier in the week that he was bringing his wife and that I would get to meet her. I really didn’t want to meet her. I didn’t want to hang with her knowing what I know about his behavior. It made me uncomfortable. He ended up showing up alone and saying that she was tired and stayed home. He texted me at home the next night on Saturday saying he was “so glad to see me out last night”. This man is up to no damn good. After chatting with Oxy on here, I was even sorry that I went to have the beer that night. I don’t want anyone to get any ideas that I would want anything to do with him.
At my job, most of the coworkers are pretty inappropriate and it’s the norm and accepted. Most people know when to draw the line and we all participate. This guy is very touchy feely and doesn’t know where to draw the line. I am no longer going to participate in any conversation with him around that can encourage his behavior and reinforce it. He is like a teen age boy. It eggs him on when people interact with him. I talked to my girlfriend about it and she agreed that he wants something from me. He’s trying to be sly. I hope he knows that I am on to his crap. My friend thinks that he is capable of forcing himself on a woman so I won’t be in his presence again without other people.
Oxy-you’re freakin awesome and hilarious! :):) I keep the loaded glock on the nightstand next to the bed with a spare magazine next to it. My standard mag only holds 9 rounds, although I can use the full size 15 round mag from the full size 40 cal if I want. I carry concealed as well=permitted. It sits on the passenger seat in the truck. NOLA is dangerous and I gotta protect myself. If I had the money though, I’d buy a sniper rifle or one of those AR15/M4 carbines. I don’t have $1200 right now to spend on another firearm.