UPDATED FOR 2022: When Lovefraud readers ask me for personal consultations, it’s because someone in their lives usually a romantic partner acts in ways that they simply cannot understand. The readers describe an unfathomable mixture of affection, attention, contradictions, deception, blaming and rage. It makes no sense and it’s behavior that they’ve never seen before.
So imagine the readers’ surprise when I say, “Yeah, they all do that.”
It’s true. Sociopaths all seem to engage in the same abusive behaviors. Recognizing physical and sexual abuse is straightforward enough. You may also be aware of psychological and emotional abuse.
But if you’re involved with a sociopath, you may also see some of the following:
- Blaming you for his or her bad behavior
No matter what the sociopath does, from disappearing without explanation to cheating on you to physically assaulting you, he or she will say it’s your fault. You weren’t attentive enough, or you complained too much, or you pushed his or her buttons. They will tell you this with so much outrage that you may actually start to believe it.
- The smear campaign
Long before you have any inkling that there is a problem in your relationship, the sociopath is trashing you behind your back to family, friends, neighbors and the authorities. He or she may say that you’re mentally ill, cheating, doing drugs, or other lies. The objective is to take down your support network, so that when you finally realize what is going on and reach out for help, no one believes you.
- Telling you that no one else will want you
In the beginning of your involvement, the sociopath showered you with compliments you were beautiful, smart, fun and sexy. Now, the sociopath tells you that you’re old, fat, ugly and stupid. The sociopath says he or she stays with you out of obligation or pity, and you’ll never find another partner. This is designed to weaken your confidence and self-esteem so that you are afraid to leave.
- Constant calls and text messages
Early in your relationship the sociopath may have called and texted constantly, claiming he or she was head-over-heels for you. You may have though it was cute, proof of true love. But gradually the calls and texts became intrusive and are now used to control you. If you don’t answer the call or text back immediately, he or she may fly into a rage.
- Demanding to know everything you do
Calls and text messages are the first stage of controlling behavior. Eventually the sociopath may make you account for every minute of your day, demanding to know what you did, whom you spoke to and what was said. The consequences of providing the wrong answer: rage. Eventually you may be afraid to do anything without the sociopath’s permission.
- Relaying what others are supposedly saying about you
The sociopath may tell you that your family, friends and neighbors have bad opinions about you, or think there is something wrong with you. Everything the sociopath says is likely a lie, and he or she is fabricating all the stories, but you don’t know that. The objective is to drive a wedge between you and your support network, so that you feel you can’t turn to anyone for help.
- Manipulating the money
Sociopaths typically drain you financially in one of two ways. 1) They get you to pay for all the expenses and run up your credit cards until you are broke. 2) They convince you to quit your job, perhaps to take care of his or her kids, which makes you financially dependent on them. Either way, when you’ve had enough and want to escape the relationship, you don’t have the resources to leave.
- Accusing you of cheating
Many sociopaths will accuse you of cheating on them. Even though they have no basis for making these accusations, they say you’re sleeping with your co-workers or still involved with previous romantic interests. Why do they do this? Because they are cheating, so they assume you are also.
- Using your deepest secrets against you
Back when you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, when the sociopath was showering you with attention and you thought it was true love, you may have shared some deeply personal information. Perhaps you’d once been abused. Or you had an addiction. Whatever. Eventually, the sociopath uses that personal information as ammunition to hurt you.
- Electronic surveillance
Today’s technology is great but unfortunately it has a dark side. Software to monitor your computer and cell phone, GPS tracking devices, and tiny microphones to bug your home, are all cheap and easy to install. If you feel like the sociopath is reading your mind, it may actually be that he or she has you under surveillance.
- Threatening suicide
As shocking as it may seem, threatening suicide is a typical sociopathic behavior. The idea is to guilt you into staying in the relationship. The sociopath may be bluffing with the suicide threats, or may be serious. Either way, know that you are not responsible. The best thing you can do is call 911.
Strategies of power and control
What you need to know about all of these behaviors is that they are sociopathic strategies of power and control. The sociopath does not engage in these behaviors just because of you. All of these forms of abuse come right out of the sociopath’s playbook. He or she likely treated other people exactly the same way.
Why is it important to understand this? Because by recognizing that sociopaths engage in these abusive behaviors all the time, you can take back your power. The sociopath’s actions are not your fault. In fact, it doesn’t matter what you do — the sociopath’s behavior will not change.
So you might as well get out.
How do sociopaths know what tactics to use?
As always another EXCELLENT article Donna! Thank you!
Just wanted to let you know that 60 mins Sunday had a good behind the scenes story on Ted. com. I really hope that you will think about approaching them about “how to spot a sociopath in this world” type lecture. You would be excellent & it would bring the attention to so many around the world who are confused by their partner’s behavior.
Just a thought 😉
(you can watch the ted story on 60 mins. com)
Jan7,
I saw the 60 minutes as well and thought the same thing!
I had all(so I thought) except #7…
I thought I had dodged the money issue.
He never took and I never paid for anything for him.
He always paid for dinner, food etc but over the weekend when I received my first “flying monkey” phone call this person told me that “he wanted my money”.
I thought long and hard about this one because I don’t have any.
This is sickening but I’m going to go ahead and say this because it’s been churning in my tummy for days and could sure use some support here.
When he started coming around in 2013, the “chance” meeting at the store parking lot when he was stalking me…he said that he heard my ex husband passed away.
This is so disturbing on so many levels and has taken him to a whole other level of scumbag.
He knows my ex husbands estate is substantial and he did not learn this info from me.
The bank lady that was calling his phone is a vice president at one of the banks that he uses as well as his other who passed recently.
It’s all adding up now.
It all makes so much sense now.
That does not mean that I am not pissed but this certainly in my mind has sealed the deal once and for all.
Disgusting.
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity, I would love to see Donna do a ted talk. So many people around the world would learn the truth about this evil world & so many victims would finally have their answer to the hell the are currently (or past) enduring.
It saddens to read your story above. ;-( So much hurt & destruction they leave behind.
Hugs to you.
Jan7,
Yes, the destruction..
That’s for sure.
It’s hard for others, who have not been involved personally to understand.
I am putting all of the puzzle pieces together.
It’s all coming together.
The chance meeting, the engagement ring that didn’t mean a thing(to throw me off).
I would ask why he would give me an an engagement ring and then never talk about it or tell our friends.
“Oh that little ring” Again to throw me off and think things were going where I wanted.
That’d why it meant nothing to him.
It was just to buy time.
He was waiting like a vulture.
When he got tired of waiting around, he decided to pick up and leave back to Florida, but he would still be my boyfriend…that would be NO.
The last time I spoke with him, the first thing he asked was how was my ex husband doing.
He NEVER asked about him when he was living here.
Yes, disgusting.
I found out about another wealthy woman that he had kept in contact with.
Found some text messages.
Seems like they probably had something years ago, but he still was texting her his BS even though she is married with kids and comes from a VERY wealthy family.
At least the flying monkey had a conscious.
He told me the truth.
The End.
Stronginthecity
Thanks Jan! And TED is a great idea.
Donna,
Please consider doing a TED talk about this.
There is still so much not known of this in the BH field, I have still been unable to find a therapist who can help me.
To bring the awareness on TED would be so helpful to other people who have had abused by this nightmare that has brought all of us here.
Stronginthecity
Number 10!!! I have been trying to find a way to detect how my house may be bugged for many years. No one has been able to help me! I am certain he can hear what we are saying here!!! My daughter hears a click in her bedroom. Seems to be with movement.
Does anyone know who can detect this? I have asked police friends they couldn’t tell me.
Thank you Donna. Love fraud has helped me and my daughters through so much.
MissBarb- you may need to hire a qualified private investigator. It will be expensive – bugs can be very difficult to find.
Brad Robinson from the Millennium group has written about this:
http://www.lovefraud.com/2014/02/07/is-your-home-bugged-ten-warning-signs-of-covert-eavesdropping/
missbarb,
Check youtube,I remember finding some home made devices to detect bugs, also Google will give you many options.
Good luck.
If I find anything I will post the link here.
SITC
This is information that should be widely disseminated. I wish my friend had known this and been able to get out before ending up in jail for a self-defense killing. It’s serious business, and and yet all we see in the media is “happily ever after”.
Number 2 was the worst. For years, literally years, peoples attitudes changed towards me for reasons I couldn’t understand and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Tried being more friendly, more cooperative to his family and our friends, even our children. And then I saw it, understood it. He was telling me he loved me and trashing me behind my back. 🙁 He did others on the list too just this one hurt the most.
Sorry ladies (or men) but I found this site as a result of watching a documentary on Dr something or other who was convicted of rape and just shaking my head. Yes he raped the women and used drugs and lied but WHY WHY WHY did some of them continue to date him after they were clearly raped and drugged by this man? Every last one of these points of how to spot a sociopath should be a reason to um oh I don’t know… LEAVE or kick him to the curb? I read another blog someplace on this site that said “think it can’t happen to you?…think again”. Sorry again but some of us are smart enough to see red flags immediately and get the hell out.
Ladyrider, your lack of empathy is a RED flag! YOU are the type that a sociopath loves to suck into their web of destruction. Why? Because it is a game to them to mentally, emotionally & financially destroy people especially those that think they are so smart.
You want to know Why Why Why? It’s easy they are the cult leaders of this world who literally brain wash, mind control, use gas lighting abuse (google), reward & punishment, love bombing, intimidation, pity me stories, install fear & phobia’s into their victims mind etc etc. It does not matter if a sociopath has 1 cult follower (domestic abuse) or a million followers such as Hitler.
WE all thought we would NEVER get sucked into a abusive relationship just like you…but guess what a sociopath blends into society and mimics their target victims belief systems.
A sociopath is NICE in the beginning…if a sociopath dropped is mask in the beginning of the relationship we would have dump them but they don’t drop their mask until they have you hooked into their brain washing scam.
They are scam artist. Just look at Bernie Madoff (scammed tens of thousands) or Bill Clinton & Hitler at how they conned hundreds of millions of people. A high percentage of political politicians are sociopaths so every time you vote you could be voting for a con artist sociopath. Which means you have been scammed by a sociopath before.
Experts believe that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths and that we meet one in passing every day whether at the deli line, your work at a friends party and that we have one in our circle of friends & family.
SO YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN SCAMED BY A SOCIOPATH WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING. No one on this planet is smarter then a sociopath because the sociopath is playing a game that you don’t even know that you are playing & you don’t even know the rules because they are constantly changing them.
I would HIGHLY recommend that you educate yourself….because YOU are the sociopaths dream target!!
Ladyrider,
I agree with Jan7 on all points.
That said, it’s about more than being smart. Many of us on here are educated and successful in life. Many are doctors, mental health professionals, teachers, helpers, you name it. Many of us have studied this type of thing in our fields.
You mention researching the points of how to recognize a sociopath. Some of us had knowledge and some of us did not know to research until we had enough and had the sense to research. Had we known the signs maybe we would’ve seen differently. Maybe. Education is key. We may know better now how to see the signs, yet we are still at risk. These people are so good at being bad!
It’s not a matter of being smart. It’s a matter of being in tune with ourselves. I can honestly speak for myself when I say in the past had I come across an interview that led me to this site I would possibly think I could see these signs and know better. However, I can’t see me asking why these women continued on and think of them foolish. To each our own. On that note, thank you for sharing your perspective.
In sharing your thoughts, please keep in mind this is a site for healing and support. Perhaps you meant no harm but all of us on here we’re conned and abused. We made choices based on lies and manipulation, as did those who were drugged and raped. This is why this site is called “Lovefraud.”
My ex is a sociopathic manipulative fraud. Had he revealed what/who he was at the beginning I would have never shared my life, body, soul, finances and loved ones with him.
Take that for what you will. I hope that in the end you will be emotionally and spiritually smart enough to stay clear of a sociopath disrupting your life.
Jan7,
I agree with you on this one.
I like I’m sue a high percentage of the women here are highly educated and successful.
I have been doing a lot of work on myself and without rehashing details or my story I do remember him saying that many times “You are so smart and resourceful, you’ll figure it out”
“For such a smart woman..fill in the blank here”.
Ladyrider, I did not know these people existed, have I changed my way of thinking?
Heck yeah.
SITC
Stronginthecity, yes…sociopaths target well rounded self sufficient women. They target victims who are well educated, hard working with a kind heart.
Just like a cult leader who is a sociopath…they target “doers & feeler” type people. They don’t want lazy people they want people who are successful then they tear them down. They get joy out of doing this.
I need advice. The last time I saw my ex’s 20-something daughter, she suggested, as she had done in the past, that she and I get together for lunch. She is estranged from her mother, probably as a result of the smear campaign by her father against her biological mother. Also, my ex had expressed sentiments that he hoped I continued to have a relationship with his daughter, because she needed a strong woman in her life and a good role model.. He also said his daughter trusted me, and didn’t trust very many woman.
So, the other day I reached out and invited her to lunch in a couple weeks. She enthusiastically accepted. Now, I’m having second thoughts. It has raised my anxiety level significantly after I had been feeling good pretty good about my ex. I’m really not sure how (why?) to maintain contact with her, except to be someone she can go to since she does not appear to have good women adult role models.
My therapist said this is dangerous for me and that his daughter wins, he wins, but there isn’t anything in it for me. Another unequal energy exchange. I contacted her because I promised I would. I also want her to know someone is there in times of crisisbecause she cannot count on her father. I think I’m being overly responsible. Help!
Claimmypower,
It’s understandable how this situation is causing you anxiety. You want to be there for her because that’s what good people do. You are on the path to healing and right now you need to do what’s best for YOU.
My therapist has helped me see that my anxious feelings about these type of situations is my gut speaking. I’ve been learning to follow my gut and have backed out of somewhat similar commitments (with friends and family). At first I felt bad about distancing myself but I soon recognized I did the right thing by doing so.
Consider your anxiety as a gut reaction. You wrote that you want guidance, yet I’m reading in your post that you already seem to know what’s right for you. Do what’s best for you and I belive good will follow.
Claimmypower, I think it is very important to listen to your gut alarm = your anxiety level. We often ignore the alarm because we want to be good people & we want to help others. But in this case I think you should listen to your therapist as she knows exactly what you have been through.
Right now you need to heal yourself…you can not help others until you help yourself. Remember your ex will use others to suck you back in without the other people even realizing the sociopath is playing them to get to their victims.
Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview, it will remind you to listen to your gut = your anxiety level alarm. Gavin Debecker’s book is called Gift of Fear which is a must read book for every women on this planet..your local library may have it.
If you do cancel with her tell her the truth that you are still working through all the mental & emotional abuse that her father did to you.
Wishing you the best 🙂
Jan7,
I listened to Gavin de Becker today.
Good stuff,wish I had listened before!
Stronginthecity
claimmypower
I am basing my response on a very insightful sentence you wrote: “she is estranged from he mother, probably as a result of the smear campaign by her father…”
It’s weird that he’d encourage you to have a relationship with his daughter, considering he’s your ex and he’s a guy who smears people. This fact would trigger me, make me feel anxious.
I think the solution is to approach the lunch from a position of strength. And the best strength is to have a game plan. The reason I’d encourage you to go is selfish on my part. I have a daughter who is precious to me, and my ex has smeared me so much that SHE is somewhat estranged from me. If I knew a good hearted non-sociopath woman invited her to lunch, I’d be so happy for her to have a social time with a real person, someone NOT like my ex!
So 1) Anxiety is likely triggered from HIM. It’s smart to be suspicious of him.
2) game plan
GAME PLAN:
Be willing to walk away from a manipulative trap. If he’s there, excuse yourself, pay any amount you owe for lunch, and leave. No explanations. No goodbye. If there’s a trap, you don’t owe manipulators anything. The point of discreetly walking away is to maintain YOUR dignity.
Be also willing to keep it light and just enjoy lunch as lunch. No heavy conversation. Ask what’s fun in her life. Keep your info vague and decide ahead of time what subjects you will share with her (NOT about HIM nor her MOM). In this way, you nurture Fun and relaxation for you and for her. And when lunch is over, do not accept an invite elsewhere. Keep it just to lunch. If it’s successful, you can always meet up again at another time.
You are NOT to be her support person in times of crisis. That’s what a therapist is for. If she needs one, advise her to shop around for a good one that has experience with antisocial disorders.
If you can tell, I do disagree with your therapist that there is nothing in it for you. I think there is an experiment in sharing a lunch and having it not be anything more than JUST LUNCH. It’s practicing our social graces. And if you have a game plan and an escape plan if you need one, then I’d encourage you to follow up on your invite.
And again, I am selfish thinking of my daughter and how rejected she’d feel if someone who wasn’t disordered invited her out and then cancelled. Afterall, her dad is not her fault. Just as long as she doesn’t continue the family “curse”.
My opinion of course…
Thanks so much for all the wonderful input. Great perspectives. As of tonight, I am going ahead with the lunch from a position of strength, which was where my heart was originally when I reached out to her. Oddly enough, out of the blue, someone at work today told me I should consider a career as a coach or mentor, since I’m so good at it.
Keeping lunch light and fun and leaving out HeWhoShallNotBeNamed will be my approach. I like the idea of a game plan and maybe having some good resources to give her. Practicing my social graces is a great win for me.
I’m so sorry, NWHSOM, that your relationship with your daughter isn’t what you’d want. I remember my ex telling his son disparaging things about his mom, and little by little, his son started not wanting to see her. I feel badly for her, especially since she was there for her son through his father’s jail time, bankruptcy, homelessness. Very sad to see.
Hugs to you all. It takes a village.
In need of encouragement and support. I’ve been married for five years. The first year or two were blissful. All the qualities you would look for in a partner/husband. Nice. Fun. Complimentary. Attended church services. Made me feel wonderful about life and myself. The past three years, not so much. Lies. Anger. Lacks empathy in all situations … with all people (except his mother and daughter). Steals. Quit going to church. Ignores my children/grandchildren.
We have no children together. We do not own anything together. Everything is separate. Divorce would be easy. Last year, I bought a house with all intentions of leaving him. He sucked me back in. Cried. Apologized. Didn’t want to be alone. Etc.
Some things have improved but my “gut” is telling me to continue with the leaving … that this change is only temporary. Half of my belongings are still at that house … I never moved anything back in. I still have enormous anxiety around him … waiting for the bad to return. I don’t believe he’s changed. I still don’t trust him. I need to leave. I want to leave. Why can’t I leave??? Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel bad for him? I’m a professional and educated woman but with this situation I have no confidence … no self-assurance. I’m always second-guessing myself … wondering, “Is it just me”? Is this what happens to someone who has been manipulated by a path?? Again, words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Diane111, sending hugs to you 🙂
It’s not easy to leave a sociopath….they will give you the pity play poor me over and over to make you feel guilty. Throw in that you are a good person who goes to church. Religion is another reason we don’t leave. Aren’t we suppose to “give others a second chance” after all…or “marriage is hard work & you have to work at it”.
I can tell you I too was in the same place you are not. I weighted every thing else above how I was feeling & like you I WANTED to leave everyday. I even felt bad for my little kitty cat having to leave her own home & yard she had ever know.
The ONLY thing you should listen to is your GUT SCREAMING TO YOU TELLING YOU TO LEAVE HIM!!!
Your GUT know what you need to do. Your gut is your mind & it has sorted out EVERYTHING that needs to be sorted out. The only thing now for you to do is plan your Exit out of this abusive relationship.
Google “Domestic abuse Exit Plan”, “Domestic abuse Exit Plan Dr Phil”, & “Domestic abuse Exit Plan you tube”. To learn how to protect yourself both physically & financially.
Start looking for a good lawyer NOW that is fully educated on domestic abuse. Please know they are not all educated so you will have to interview them. Also check out the Facebook page One moms battle (& their site One moms battle) and look at their list of lawyers or ask if anyone knows of a good lawyer in your city.
Being married to a sociopath is hell but Divorcing one is the BOTTOM of hell. So make a plan before you file & serve him with the papers.
Go to a big box book store and look in the “Divorce Section” for financial divorce. Just because your “assets are separate” does not mean he will not go after them. Remember sociopaths ALWAYS want to win & they ALWAYS want to destroy their victims.
Marriage counseling is a joke…only go to individual counseling without your husband knowing this. And interview them too to find a counselor who is fully educated in sociopathic abuse.
PLEASE KNOW THAT SOCIOPATH DO NOT CHANGE…What you see is WHAT YOU GET. His behavior will get worse and you will end up crawling out of your marriage broken & broke. This is what he wants…what they all want.
Go to your local domestic abuse center ASAP for free counseling & women group meetings. IT will be one of the greatest gifts you ever gave yourself.
After I had proof of my ex h first affair while being married to him he begged me to stay, he sobbed…yep he sobbed not to leave him. He told me he would change…he told me that he would go to individual counseling, stop seeing his mistress, stop drinking etc etc…he never stopped any of these things…the only thing he did was turn up the abuse on me full blast.
RUN, RUN, RUN FAST AWAY FROM THIS SOCIOPATH THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TOO!! It’s hard at first to go No Contact with them…but with time you will see that you never loved him & that you are so luck that you left him.
***READ every thing at the top of Lovefraud over and over & watch the videos at the top also. When you are sad READ, when you are angry READ, when you feel alone READ everything at the top of this site and related it to your marriage.
ALso Donna Anderson of Lovefraud also has a “life couch program” where she will guide you to heal & educate yourself on your husband evil behavior. She charges a small fee for this service but it will be worth the money for you to talk with her over the phone.
Also my counselor gave me the book Women Who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown…along with Donna Andersons books (see top of this site under “book store” tab” it is a must read book. IT will give you the information you need to end your abusive marriage to this evil sociopath.
Keep venting here & asking questions as it too will help you to move forward.
HUGS TO YOU 🙂
PS google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. Remember your gut will never steer you wrong ever!!. Gavin Debecker book is The Gift of Fear. Your local library may have it.
oops typed to fast, sorry for the spelling errors. “I can tell you I too was in the same place you are not”…should read “same place you are NOW”.
Diane, after I proof of my husbands first affair…he begged me to stay. At that time we had been married about 5 years. He begged me to stay…said he would never cheat again…we went to marriage counseling where he manipulaed the counselor….I stayed another 7 years. the abuse got worse & worse everyday and so did his cheating.
When I finally crawled out of my marriage he had 3 mistress in 2 different states…those where the ones I found out about. The original mistress the one 5 years into our marriage, I don’t think they ever parted ways. I think she is still in the picture even while we were in marriage counseling.
The worse thing I did….was stay and waste 7 more years of my life in hell. Wish I would have followed my screaming gut back then when I had only wasted 5 years. Took 4 years to get a divorce because of his game playing. SO all total I wasted 16 years.
Follow your GUT!!! It will never steer you wrong ever!!
Diane, sorry one last thing. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so you can chat freely on one moms battle. Also other fb pg After narcissistic abuse & psychopath free.
See Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com for more info to make your decision.
Thank you … will definitely do this! I also watched one of Donna’s youtube videos on why sociopaths get married. I often wondered that myself … why did he marry me??? Her video totally explained it! He is all about what people think and say about him! Last year, I didn’t pay until the very last day. This drove him crazy (angry crazy) … he didn’t want his last name to be in the paper for taxes not being paid!
Diane111 Рmy therapist told me today that sociopaths can only keep up the fa̤ade for so long before their mask slips off and they show who they really are. He was able to keep that mask on for quite some time. What you are seeing now is the true him. That is why it is so confusing. The person you thought you were with, is not the person he really is. Seeing is believing, so if you are seeing these behaviors, please believe what you see rather than the words that he says.
I am also a professional, well educated woman. My relationship was so confusing and I was constantly second-guessing whether or not there was something wrong with me. His thought patterns were so baffling and typically included many lies and omissions. This crazy making puts us at a great disadvantage.
Protect yourself. This sounds like a dangerous situation. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. On the site, I have read stories about women losing their jobs, because they get so caught up in the craziness that they are unable to focus on their job responsibilities. I found this myself. Luckily, I did not lose my job, but it definitely affected my work performance.
You have the strength of the LF supporters around you. We are all cheering for you to do what is best for you.
ClaimMyPower
Diane111,
Yes Diane this is exactly what you feel when you are manipulated by a spath, narcissist, con man whatever you want to call it.
I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare.
Please listen to Jan7 and all of the other advice here.
We have all been through it.
If you have not listened to Gavin Debecker on YouTube, please do so when you get a minute(all of the other stuff too)
I wish I had listened to this before.
I was researching and spent way too much time trying to figure him out.
She has been a wealth of excellent info for me and many other women here.
I did a phone consultation with Donna when I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
This man will not change and it will only become worse.
Listen to your gut! PLEASE.
Thank goodness you do not have children with this man.
I know how hard it is to leave because you want to believe the dream but trust me the tears he sheds are an act.
They do this to throw you off balance so that you can not function without them.
The only way to regain your good sense and thing clearly out of the fog is to GET AWAY.
NO CONTACT.
It is truly the ONLY way.
My expath is a lazy no good conman that is very skilled at this.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
They are very good at this.
I am currently on medical leave from my job for 6 weeks and not done yet.
I too work in corporate America with loads of experience in the medical field.
He made me feel like I could not even take care of myself after spinning me in circles with the lies, drama and now I know money that is not even mine.
I was acting so crazy at work that even my doctor agreed that I needed time off to get things together.
I never thought I would be grateful for almost having a nervous breakdown and at the verge of losing my job.
If these things did not happened I probably would have still been in the web of the spath.
I don’t want to go into the details of my story.
If you would like to read my nightmare when I first posted here my story along with the good, bad and ugly are all written here under “He Makes e Believe the Lies and Sucks Me into the Drama”.
This was my first email to Donna and it took until now to finally realize what happened.
At that time I did not take a lot of the advice because I was still drinking the Kool Aide.
The bad will return with a vengeance.
The pity play is something I HAD always fallen for and he knew it. No more.
This is what they do. They are so sick and disordered they can’t live without people like us.
They have no life and I believe most of them hate women.
Please get away now.
Trust your gut.
No, it’s not just you.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE, when that mask slipped and you saw the bad behavior that is the real person.
Jan7’s info is invaluable.
Follow everything she recommends.
Same with Donna’s info on the tabs above.
I apologize, I know this post is all over that place.
My writing style is not all that polished but it come from the heart.
You wrote on here for a reason.
Read your own posts again.
The answer is there.
He will not change.
Please take care of you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
No apologies necessary for your post … you are exactly like me. I write like I talk … as thoughts come to me, I say/write them.
I’m going through the same thing with work. I can feel myself slipping away. It’s not good. I should be in more control.
And mine does hate women. He is constantly putting them down. “Stupid female” “Should have known it was a female” etc. And he says it when such vehemence.
I’m going to search for your “nightmare” right now. Thanks!
Diane111,
How are you doing?
I know that finding out the dream you had was all a big lie is hard to say the least.
It took me a year after I recognized what and who he is to finally cut the cord.
The put downs you mentioned I have heard before.
They are predictably unpredictable.
Is there a chance you can take some time off work to get things in order?
I am asking because it was exactly what I needed to take care of business.
Even though the disordered one had moved out of state he was still affecting me and I needed some time and space to do what I needed to do to move on.
Hugs and prayers,
SITC
Diane111,
Try to go back to that place last year when you bought the house with the intentions of moving out.
You said “I don’t trust him”.
You said that you are second guessing yourself and have no self confidence.
This is exactly what he wants.
This is what they do.
It’s their goal and joy in life.
Read Slim’s comment again.
It’s all there.
Go with that.
It’s true.
Are you afraid of what he will do if you divorce him?
Don’t worry about him, he will be just fine.
Please, please take care of you before he gets you so confused that you will don’t know what day of the week it is and you start to believe his nonsense and doubt your own sanity.
The fact that you are here is a great start.
It’s not you!
It’s him.
He is a very sick person and trust me the behavior will just get worse.
I started doing meditations. Go to youtube and type in guided meditation for…whatever you want.
Clear your head then make a plan.
If you trust your boss, tell him/her that you have some personal matters to attend to and move into the house you bought last year.
I know this sounds easier said than done but you have to do this.
You have the strength.
You had it when you bought the house.
Hugs,
SITC
SITC, You have no idea how much you are helping me! Thank you! It’s only been a few days since I’ve been on here – whenever I can – but I am already feeling the inner strength to do what I need and know I need to do. Taking some time off of work is a very good idea … I just may do that. He works a floating 12-hour schedule … works days, then nights, then has a week off. Taking off when he’s working days might be just the thing to do. I also just watched the YouTube video. Totally hit home – in a positive way! V I’ll keep you posted. Thanks again!
Diane111,
How are you doing?
I know this has been a lot of in your face info in such a short period.
I glad that I am helping you.
Don’t want you to feel overwhelmed, want to be supportive.
It’s a lot of info, but as I said before the most important thing is your intuition.
Something is wrong. That’s why you sought answers to what the heck is going on.
I truly understand.
When all this nonsense was going on I was so confused and every day was like solving a mystery.
His family knows how crazy he is and was most likely so tired of his drama they were happy to hand him off to me.
He also triangulated me with his ex wife.
Poor thing, I still don’t think she realizes what he is.
I can’t imagine having to be married to this man let alone trying to raise children with the creature.
Now he is living with his boys and teaching them how to be mini spaths.
Sad but I have my own family to worry about.
We all understand what is going on.
I am so glad you found your way here.
One thing that I personally found very helpful was an ebook called “How to Do No Contact Like A Boss”. You can Google it.
It’s a quick easy read and will give you courage and strength to take that step.
I hope that you can take some time off to do this.
Maybe schedule a session with a therapist or your church to have support and do it when he is working his 12 hour shift.
Have a good night.
One more thing that I learned was calling him on the whole spath does not work.
They don’t care.
They are happy being them.
Hugs to you,
SITC
Diane111,
What you are experiencing, the lack of self-assurance, second guessing yourself, wondering if it is you, feeling guilty….These are all indicative of someone who is experiencing the lack of personal clarity that comes from being lied to and manipulated. These are VERY strong indicators that you are in a situation that is not at all to your benefit, but is to his benefit.
The other signs are there as well. The initial bliss (called ‘love bombing’ stage), you feeling wonderful about yourself and your life (maybe better than you had in a very long time?), sharing the same interests (church, family)….and then the switch (that comes after you have been ‘baited’). Now he does not share your interests, does not make you feel good, and is doing whatever necessary to make you feel that you are the responsible party.
If you think about he has devalued you, and your life. And, he has essentially ‘dumped’ you, even while staying with you. It is the ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ syndrome that so many disordered individuals play at.
You have the good fortune to have nothing legal holding you back, and the resources to move. This is great. This is unusual for many people, either because they didn’t have much in the first place, or because they stayed with the abusive partner for so long they have lost nearly everything.
You don’t have to do this. You have a golden opportunity to take care of yourself. He will likely hound you to stay with him, continue to manipulate your sympathies, and generally do whatever he can to maintain ‘control’ over you.
It is up to you to decide if this is the kind of life you want to continue to live. I sure hope you don’t.
It is not easy, I know. I also felt many of the things you are feeling. I was also very much like yourself and COULD walk away without too much loss. It was still very hard, and I struggled emotionally.
But I will tell you that it became CRYSTAL clear after I was away from the abuser, and I was no longer confused, guilty, and feeling responsible. I found my center again. But it took NO contact to do it. If I was in any kind of contact I found myself getting confused and distraught again.
Slim
Excellent summation of what to expect.
Slim,
So well said!
No contact is the only answer to gain clarity.
SITC
Thank you SO much, Jan7, SITC, ClaimMyPower, NoMoreWool and SlimOne!!! Everything was exactly right on the money and exactly what I needed to hear. There is sooooo much more I could share but, although I’m sure it would help me through the process, I don’t think it’s necessary. You each are in tune with what I’m going through and what I’m thinking/feeling … it’s sad but reassuring at the same time. Reading your comments … I could have written them myself. You each described exactly what I’m going through. You all made me cry … but they were tears of relief that there’s help and understanding.
The life I’m living now is NOT the life I want to be living. I miss “me” … and so does my family. He’s also very good at “gas lighting”. “I never did that!” “I never said that!” When I know that he did but I started to doubt myself. Maybe I misunderstood … Maybe I misheard … etc. And you are so right when you said about the way we were brought up. My parents … married over sixty years … Catholics. You’re taught to care for others … physically and emotionally. Don’t hurt anyone. Forgive.
Because of past incidents (he’s never been physically abusive, but the anger and words were abusive on their own), I’m very apprehensive in confronting this head-on … I just don’t have it in me. I just want to pack up and leave one day when he’s at work … and be done. No contact? I hope I’m strong enough.
I can’t believe I allowed and continue to allow this to happen to me and my family.
Again, thank you SO much … for the comments, the advice, the support, the understanding. You have no idea how much this has helped me.
If you are apprehensive, take yourself seriously. The only way out for me was to pack up and leave while the sociopath was away. Even if he has never been physically abusive before, if he thinks he has nothing to lose he may turn physical on you.
You need to put into place an exit plan. There is a load of information online about this but make sure you are not doing anything on a computer he has access to so he doesn’t know what you are researching. If you have friends and family that you can count on it helps but if not you can always see if the local domestic violence organization has people who can help you leave.
The key is in maintaining a façade of normalcy until you leave. Depending on your situation you may have to accept walking away from all or most of your material possessions. Are you worth more than physical objects?
No contact is key. Cut off all communication with him. If there are children involved communicate only through your attorney or a social worker if they get called in. The smallest opening will be an opportunity for him to reel you in again. There are plenty of articles on this site on how to initiate and maintain No Contact.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Thank you! I’ve been maintaining the façade of normalcy for a while now, and I think that’s what has me feeling so guilty/deceitful. He’s under the impression that everything is fine, when it is not … at least not for me. Back in June, he had left for a week to visit his son. While he was away, I continued working on my house, fixing it up (it needs some carpentry/rehab work done) and moved some more of things. When he got back from his trip, he noticed the things missing (my heart was in my throat when he approached me – scared/nervous of the anger) and broke down … said he thought everything was good … he was blindsided by my actions … he had no clue, etc. When I brought up the various recent incidents, he said things like, “I wasn’t serious when I said that” … “I was only joking” … “Guess I can’t kid around with you anymore” … “I’d do anything for you and your family” … My head was spinning, trying to maintain my thoughts, trying not to have him mess with what I knew was fact. That’s the most difficult … maintaining your mental sanity. Anyway, this forum is SO helpful to me! Thank you for being there for me through this. I’ll be staying in touch.
Whatever you do don’t give in to his pity play. Even though I am out, I still have the occasional twinge of pity. I take it as proof that I am a good person, then toss the misplaced pity out the window. The sociopath’s actions towards me and towards our children are proof enough that I was right to leave.
In the latest round in court, the judge even warned me from the bench to keep an eye out and watch my back because he has realized (finally) that the sociopath is capable of anything. It helps that the sociopath has mental illness issues beyond the sociopathy that turns court sessions into a three ring circus.
Leaving a sociopath takes careful planning. Please put your own safety first and plan as if you have a ninja assassin on your trail.
Diane111,
I know it’s confusing.
Slims post addresses that better than I could.
Look at this, yes you are legally married to him but thank your lucky stars that you do not have children this this man.
His replies to your recent incidents are stock, standard from the I am a disordered persons handbook.
Everything he says, just reverse it and that’s the truth.
When I saw the mask slip it was really scary but when that happened that was actually the real person.
You will never get a word of truth from them.
On that note, I feel that I have to let you know that you have to protect yourself…
Even if you don’t think he is cheating…take a breath they all do.
I never actually caught the disordered one but they just do.
We were having so much sex that I never in a million years that he would or could, and this was when things were in the love phase.
I do remember one weeknight when things were going well he said that he was going to have a guys night out. he never did this but I would have believed the sky is purple.
I later found out that very evening after we got off the phone not even 1 minute later that he text some girl and found a picture.
Thats all I am saying.
This opens you up to STD’s etc.
Sorry. It just reality. This is what they do.
Now that he knows you had been fixing the house and moving things he most likely will start lining up others, if he has not already just in case.
Please be careful.
You don’t want to be the receiver of anything that will either require a embarrassing trip to the gyne that requires antibiotics or something worse.
I know this is probably the last thing you need to hear right now, but you never know.
I don’t know how old you are but he could also try to talk you into having a child with him.
They are capable of anything.
Please keep posting, venting here while you get things in order.
You will know when you are ready.
Don’t worry about him…
he will just fine.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Yes to everything Strong said.
Step 1. Get out SAFELY
Step 2. Secure your finances and property as much as possible
Step 3. See your doctor and get a full workup – STDs, stress hormones (Jan7 gave you that rundown I think)
Once you are able to go No Contact, be prepared for the racing thoughts and self-doubt about your actions, but don’t give in. Come here and talk it through. We have all been in your shoes.
You know your situation best. You will know if step 1 involves safety precautions against stalking and harassment, possibly getting a restraining order, or disappearing for a while. The forums on here are full of advice for a variety of different situations, since sociopaths come in all flavors. If your gut is nudging you in a particular direction, listen. It is better to overplan for your safety than to underplan.
Diane111, you are so welcome. We have all been where you are now. I was so mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted & felt like a step ford zombie robot wife. I was a shell of my former self. What you are describing of yourself is how we all felt. YOU will return to your “old self” but a better version once you have time away from your abusive husband.
DO JUST THAT…while he is a work Move out!!! But have a good EXIT PLAN in place because he maybe come physically abusive toward you once he finds out you left him. Your local abuse center can help you with an EXIT PLAN. You can call the National domestic abuse center 800-799-SAFE (USA) to get help with this plan too & they can give you local abuse center numbers.
PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE..Keep reaching out for help.
The most dangerous time for a vicim of abuse is when she is planning on leaving or she has left so please have an EXIT PLAN.
DONT confront your husband…just pack up your things & have an exit plan in place.
Keep coming here to vent, to ask for support or ask question. We are here for you!!! 🙂
HUGS to you 🙂
PS look into a home security system for your new home….you can either have a company install one or you can go to home depot/lowes and buy one that uses batteries vs hardwire and are very easy to install. They cost about $100 but have no phone call service to check on you/yourhome.
Thank you Jan7 … you hit the nail on the head with being so exhausted and feeling like a stepford wife! I’m going through the motions just to keep the harmony and peace. He may believe everything is going well, and on the surface it is, however, inside me, it is not. He may be changing … I feel I need to give him some benefit of doubt … but it doesn’t change what has happened and what has been said nor the behaviors over the past three years. I live with anxiety waiting for the next eruption, etc.
I know I will continue to reach out here for help … I need the constant reassurance that I’m not the crazy one, overreacting, etc. And of course to vent.
Although he has not cheated (and I know this because he’s either at work or at home, and we are from a very small town) and he has not stolen or taken money from me (all our expenses are separate … he’s never asked me for anything like that), he still has characteristics of a path. The things he says are just not normal, and he has absolutely no empathy for anyone (other than his mother … he does seem to be “normal” with her), and he steals from his employer (and restaurants on occasion), and what he takes isn’t the common pen or post-it notes, it’s bags of safety glasses, it’s boxes of paper towels, it’s a dehumidifier, it’s blades for his saw, it’s bags of gloves, etc. And he truly believes he’s entitled to these things.
Again, thank you for listening and for being there for me.
Diane111,
Take a look when you get a chance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87Gvt8UbCjA
SITC
This was perfect, SITC! Thanks! Diane111
Diane111,
You are more than welcome.
You sound strong enough to do it.
Don’t wait until he gets completely in your head to see if things change(they won’t)
It’s amazing how similar our stories are, like you said you could have written them yourself.
The domestic violence website has an exit plan.
You still have the other home, right?
You can do it, make your plan and get away from him.
It’s going to be hard at first but you have to save yourself and your family.
I think the plan of leaving while he is at work is amazing.
Make sure if you have joint bank accounts to close them out.
You are strong enough to go no contact.
I’m sure you are feeling overwhelmed with the validation of how you are feeling by so many people here.
We are all here for you.
Stronginthecity
Thank you for the support and encouragement! I will continue to keep coming back here for exactly that. I do still have the other home and we do not have any joint bank accounts. He’s very possessive of his money. Not an issue as this works in my favor. Everything is separate. Strength is what I need the most.
Diane111,
Take a look,gives a good overview of the bad behaviors.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSPHRPKeRMg
SITC