In a comment on my Lovefraud Live! Youtube show, a viewer asked if she should expose the sociopath for revenge. Here’s what she wrote: I've got so much dirt on this guy that I now know is a sociopath...took advantage of my emotions horribly. Should I use what I know about him to get some kind of revenge? This Lovefraud viewer brings up two issues. First, she asks about exposing the sociopath. Second, she asks about revenge. Let’s address them one at a time. Exposing the sociopath There is value in exposing the sociopath for society as a whole: warning others against his or her deceit and exploitation can prevent them from being victimized. One reason why sociopaths keep engaging i …
12 rules for negotiating with a psychopath
UPDATED FOR 2022: Lovefraud recently received the following email from a woman who, unfortunately, must understand the rules for negotiating with a psychopath. Here's what she wrote: I have woken up to the fact that I am living among a nest of snakes. This includes my kids that I love. Can you recommend anything to read that helps with negotiating with a psychopath? They are so angry and so nasty. However, things "must" be worked out. Any suggestions on reading materials? The safest approach to take with a psychopath is not to negotiate at all, to get the person out of your life. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, especially when the psychopath is your spouse and you share …
Healthy relationships after the sociopath or narcissist
“I’ll never date again.” I can’t tell you how many times Lovefraud readers have said this after being betrayed by a sociopath or narcissist. I get it — the soul-crushing experience of lies, manipulation, exploitation and perhaps physical assault leaves you wanting to do nothing but crawl into a cave. But I assure you, you can recover, and healthy relationships after the sociopath or narcissist are possible. The key, as I’ve said many times here on Lovefraud, is emotional recovery. That means allowing yourself to feel and process the emotional wounds inflicted by the sociopath, and probably by other people in your life as well. The work of recovery is messy and takes time, but it is truly w …
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Story of the abusive ex-husband, now dead, cites Lovefraud’s Senior Sociopath research
Forty years ago, Sherry Amatenstein was married to an abuser. Lovefraud readers will recognize her story. After sucking her into a relationship with lies and plagiarized poetry, they married, and soon he isolated her from her family and became emotionally and psychologically abusive. Sherry also experienced two incidents of physical abuse. Sherry was miserable but felt trapped — until her husband decided that he was done. Still, she was attached to the relationship — can anyone say trauma bond? Finally, she escaped. After her abusive ex-husband, she eventually left her career as a magazine editor, became a social worker, and found a happy relationship. You can read her story here: I found …
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Power imbalances in relationships with sociopaths
In sociology, there’s a concept called the “Principle of the Least Interest.” It’s an idea that starts to explain the power imbalances in relationships with sociopaths. The theory was developed in 1938 by a sociologist named Willard Waller. He said that when one relationship partner is more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other, the less involved partner has more power in the relationship. That less-interested person can make demands on the more-interested person, with the threat — either implicit or overt — that if the demands are not met, the relationship will end. That’s the basic idea. But it seems to me that when you’re dealing with a sociopath, it can get more compli …
Why psychopaths don’t change
UPDATED FOR 2022: Lovefraud received an important question from a reader who wanted to know why psychopaths don't change. She asked: I've read in multiple places, written by multiple specialists that psychopaths/sociopaths cannot be rehabilitated or changed. Surely I'm not the only person to have asked this: Why not? The short answer to this question is simple: Psychopaths don't change because they don't want to. The key to any kind of behavioral change is desire. It's hard work to change the way we relate to other people, the world or even ourselves. The reason any of us embark on a self-improvement project is because we are not happy. Our relationships are not fulfilling, we …
When everybody yawns, psychopaths don’t
UPDATED FOR 2022. So you're out with friends, or worse, at a business meeting, when you see someone yawn. Soon, you're yawning too. Why does this happen? Researchers believe that yawning is contagious because it is linked to empathy, and most humans have lots of empathy. This behavior is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. Many mammals yawn. And yawning by one member of a group often begets yawning by another member of the group. This happens among people — and also among dogs and chimpanzees. But it doesn't happen among psychopaths. Research on yawning Brian K. Rundle and colleagues at Baylor University in Texas published a paper entitled, Contagious yawning and ps …
If lawmakers understood sociopaths, maybe Keaira Bennefield would still be alive
The tragic story of Keaira Bennefield might never have happened if lawmakers had a clear understanding of sociopaths. Perhaps you’ve seen the story in the news. Keaira Bennefield, of Cheektowaga, New York, near Buffalo, was estranged from her husband, Adam Bennefield. On September 28, 2022, he allegedly showed up at her apartment and beat her, punching her at least 28 times. Keaira had security cameras inside her home and the whole episode was captured on video. Keaira screamed for Adam’s sister, Rachel, who lived in the apartment upstairs. Rachel came down and Adam told her that Keaira wasn’t getting out of there alive. Rachel called the police. When the police arrived, they found A …
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