Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Laura24. She was shocked by the lies her boyfriend told her over their years together, even though she lived them.I spent 12 years in a relationship with a sociopath. In the 10 years that we lived together, he had convinced me he owned his own business, had a bachelor’s degree, and that he was financially stable.Stunning revelationsSome of the revelations that still shock me today even though I lived it:As far as I'm aware, I'm the only person he had ever dated other than the 18-year-old girl he was sleeping with. I'm not sure how much she knows about him.Learn more: Maybe you're not codependent — you're traum …
How disordered motivation explains psychopathic behavior
UPDATED FOR 2024. Why do they do it? If you've ever tangled with a psychopath, you've certainly asked yourself that question. Why do psychopaths engage in harmful and destructive behavior?Most psychopathy researchers explain the nasty behavior of these disordered individuals in terms of deficits. They say that because psychopaths lack empathy and impulse control, they engage in antisocial behavior.To Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, this makes no sense — it implies that if it weren't for empathy and impulse control, everybody would be a psychopath. Deficits don't cause behavior, she says. Motivation causes behavior.Human motivational systemsIn a chapter that she wrote for the book P …
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Running for my life
Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Charlotte24. She is so terrorized by the sociopath that she says she is “running for my life.”I am about to lose my freedom. He has destroyed my life and is still trying. I have received 4 CDVs (criminal domestic violence charges) in one year. He has so many other prior charges — assaults on females — and CDVs, including one assault charge with me, because he cut my clothes off me and left me on side of road 3 hours away from home and never came back to get me. He has come and hunt me down and he would be crying and begging for me to go back knowing that I have a no contact order with him. I would be dumb …
Vocabulary 101: 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. One of the reasons why it's so difficult to explain what happens when you're involved with a sociopath is that you don't have the words. Because of the general lack of awareness about personality disorders in society, and the lack of education about it, for years there was no generally accepted terminology to describe various aspects of the experience. But descriptive language has evolved among online communities of survivors. Here are 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath. When you can name it, you can begin to recover from it. 1. Love Bombing When sociopaths set about reeling you in, a key seduction strategy is love bombing. They shower you with …
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Mental, physical, and emotional abuse in my marriage
Editor's note: This Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll all “Marily24,” describes the mental, physical and emotional abuse in her marriage to a sociopath.I experienced mental, physical, and emotional abuse in my marriage. I thought he was made in heaven for me but found out he was the devil all along. I did see a red flag right away in the beginning. But I dismissed it because I didn't know quite how to take it. He had called me one night in the middle of the night. All drunk and wanted to see me supposedly. I had to work the next morning— I managed a hotel. So I got out of bed and got dressed, and then tried to call him to find out where he was at. Some hotel with this family. This is wha …
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Sociopaths can sense deep emotional wounds in the human energy field
UPDATED FOR 2024: A Lovefraud reader sent me the following question:"I seem to only attract what I believe are sociopaths into my life even when I am not trying to find anyone. I feel as if they find me and try to befriend me. Is there some kind of an explanation for this?"This reader posts as "Sam." I previously published her story as a "Letter to Lovefraud." She has deep emotional wounds, and the explanation for her current experience is in her story. Please read it:I have no further use to him and I am being disposed ofSam's story is absolutely tragic. Here is what happened to her:Can you imagine the breadth and depth of Sam's emotional wounds? These wounds are the reason why Sam keeps …
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Protecting your financial assets from devious romantic partners
You probably have financial assets — bank accounts, credit cards, a good job, your own home, investments or pensions. If you’re also looking for a dating partner, know that having financial assets makes you a nice, juicy target.Sociopaths often hook up with romantic partners specifically for the purpose of draining your financial assets. Even if you’re not wealthy, and you just have regular income from a job, Social Security or disability income, these lowlifes will try to take whatever you’ve got.I learned this the hard way. When I met my ex-husband, who was age 55 at the time (although he lied about his age), I owned my home, was making good money from my writing business and putting money …
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The narcissistic serial bully
By Joanie Bentz, BS, M.Ed., LBS, CCBPBullies come in all shapes and sizes, and can be anyone in your family, circle of friends or work environment. But how do we define a serial bully? The word serial means episodical, or appearing regularly. “A serial bully is a type of person who tends to try and constantly harass or offend people by trying to become more dominant and controlling over them,” according to Depression-guide.com.The key idea here is “constantly harass.” It’s a pattern of behavior that occurs in intervals and successively as a means to some type of gratification, which varies, depending on the bully’s goals. To be clear, the serial bu …
How sociopaths intentionally mess with your mind
UPDATED FOR 2024. I talk to a lot of people who are, or have been, involved with sociopaths. Time and time again they tell me, "I feel like I'm losing my mind."This is exactly how sociopaths want you to feel. Why? Because if you are confused and unsure of yourself, you are more pliable. You are easier to control, and what sociopaths want is to control you.So how do they mess with your mind?Lies from hello to goodbyeFirst of all, they lie.Now, this may not sound all that terrible, because we all lie from time to time. But normal people lie to get out of trouble or spare someone's feelings. Sociopaths lie because they have an agenda.The lying starts at the very beginning of your involvement. …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was still in love with the jerk
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we'll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, "I think I like you better," like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to …
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