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By | February 17, 2010 611 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was still in love with the jerk

Editor’s note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Margie.”

One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting.  He actually said to me that night, “I think I like you better,” like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn’t! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his good looks, as he was 6’1″, blond and blue eyes and had a football player’s body!

Well he told me he had to catch a bus in the morning to Fargo, ND to his mother’s house that he could not miss.  I had NO idea he was just let out of prison!  Well we proceeded to drink and get totally drunk that night and ended up at my cozy apartment that I lived in alone.  The next morning we overslept and he missed his bus (which he should not have because he was to report to Fargo, ND to set up his parole!) and he wasn’t overly upset about it. So he stayed on at my house…the first couple of days I thought nothing of it but then I wondered, well, if you are not worried about getting to Fargo, why aren’t you finding a job then?!  And at first he was so attentive ”¦ he would open the door for me ”¦ carry the groceries ”¦ cook and clean for me ”¦ etc ”¦ but was on the computer playing poker and needed his beer constantly like he hadn’t had it in years (which he hadn’t and I didn’t know that ”¦ yet!).  Well ”¦ finally ”¦ my snoopiness (detectiveness) got the best of me and I looked through his belongings in my car trunk.  I found parole papers! And I thought  ”¦ Oh my god! But I was already in Love (lust) with the jerk! So I thought, okay ”¦ he loves me ”¦ we can make this work ”¦ so what if he is on parole.

Stranded

So for awhile, I went to work at my waitress job and picked up beer daily and we drank daily. I relaxed while he sat on the computer playing poker and smoking his cigs and drinking his beer. (He was also emailing many other women I found out later after only being at my place a week!) We then took a weekend trip to North Dakota that turned into a week long trip of me being stranded with no money up there and having to pawn off my 1/3 carat diamond ring to get gas to get home with.  Then there was the matter of having to straighten out the bad checks mess he had conned me into writing for beer, food, etc ”¦ while in North Dakota (Not to mention the two bar tables he conned out of a bar owner, one of which has his pic on it when he worked there in college)!

And let me add, while he was wooing me at the bar when I met him, he had told me things like he had been a professional football player in Canada. He said he was a college graduate from Jamestown, ND (which was true when I talked to his ex-wife on the phone once), and many, many other lies of great magnitude!

Anyway, we get back from ND and things resume ”¦ I am job hunting cause I lost my job at due to us not being able to make it back from being stranded up there! I get a waitress job at Denny’s restaurant then and keep working and coming home with beer (what a enabler I was for god’s sake!) and drinking.  All the while he is wooing me with comments like, “I will love you till the end of the earth,” and still cooking for me, etc ”¦

Drums up a story

Then one weekend he drums up the story that they called him from his old professional football team in Canada and they wanted him back and that he had to leave for the weekend (which was Labor Day weekend) for tryouts again. Well as stupid as I was, I believed him (sort of) BUT was beginning to wonder at this point. Well he said some woman was coming to pick him up for this trip ”¦ and that is when I KNEW something was not right! My gut said ”¦ check into this! So anyhow, I had also bought him bottles of vodka besides the beer ”¦  he asked me to go get him a little bottle before he left. He claimed he really didn’t want to leave me. Well he even got to the point of being teary-eyed (which was probably all a act now that I think about it) when he was saying goodbye.  He packed my 4 man tent with him, which I don’t know why, but he had a lie for that too! This all happened about 2 years ago so it’s getting a bit fuzzy now trying to recall everything.

But, I was alone ”¦ he was gone ”¦ I had my computer. I had been married to a computer network engineer and was not totally computer illiterate and had a college education (B.S. in Psychology with a Criminal Justice minor).  I started pulling up web pages he had been too and somehow was able to recover his password by using my credit card to pay for a website he had been too. By luck it was the same password he had used for hotmail and yahoo and everything! Jackpot!

I read everything in and out and figured out where he went! He met a woman from Narcotics Anonymous in Iowa and went to a church camp retreat with her that Labor Day weekend! Well as good as I am with my detectiveness (lol), I called Narcotics Anonymous and got her phone number (cell even!) and called her and him up! I called and harassed them ALL weekend to the point she said she was going to call her lawyer ”¦ and I said DO IT! Cause I knew I had him! He was running from the law ”¦ but she had bought in to all his lies and was treating me like crap! Well I even called the cops to go get him arrested at this camp ”¦ but do you think the cops believed me! HELL NO ”¦ DO THEY EVER! So ”¦ I guess I had to drop it at this point.

But about a month later I got a call from her and she said ”¦ “Okay ”¦ I believe you now.  He just took off to get some stuff of his in North Dakota and he never came back with the rental car so I filed grand theft charges.  Well I gave her all the info she needed to find him but told her she better drop the grand theft charges cause she might be liable somehow for letting him take the car that was in her name! She must have listened cause I never heard he was charged with that, but all my work paid off and he went back to prison for 8 months for being AWOL!

Still in love

But it doesn’t end here ”¦ I was still in love with the jerk! I wrote to him in prison (90 miles away) and we started corresponding to the point I was hooked again.  I sent him stuff, money, letters, and visited faithfully like any good woman (blindly in love) would do! I went as far as finding a house close to the prison when he got work release so he could come visit me every chance he got! Then when he got out of work release, he moved in with me for a bit but was determined to find his own place. That I thought was a dead giveaway he did not care for me after all.

He was saying his parole officer told him he had to do this and that. But a lot of it did not make sense to me since the other people I was talking to about this said differently.  I had many more doubts in my mind at this time! So he got his own little apartment and then I moved from my house to an apartment closer to his. We hung out and drank a lot more, but there were times he wanted me to leave. Geez ”¦ I am not that stupid when someone is trying to ditch me!

Married in 3 weeks

Anyway, my suspicions grew and I would check up on him all the time. And then he started to be more distant. Then one day around the end of October around Halloween ”¦ he all of a sudden quit coming over, quit calling, a absolute no show! No word from him ever again ”¦ he would not answer my phone calls and he was never home. I then found out later he met a woman on singlesnet online and married her within 3 weeks of meeting her! Well I then followed him home after work one night and figured out where he now lived and then saw him and her together and figured out what she drove.  I then figured out where she worked and followed her home from work one day and told her this whole exact story! That is when she said, “Thanks ”¦ I think.”  But I did have many emails and phone calls from his family during this duration and even his own mother and daughter said I was better off without him! If that isn’t a sociopath ”¦ I don’t know what is!


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Rosie

Hey I have just finished reading your story, and yes you may have giving him too many chances like we all have with our ex-paths, but in the end you really hit him where it hurts! Go you good thing!

It’s good that you can laugh at the situation, that sort of black humour gets you through sometimes.

I can so relate to how you refer to your ‘detectiveness’…boy did I get good at playing detective too. I reckon we could pretty much wipe the floor with any professional Private Investigator (no disrespect to them, they provide a good service).

Good that the new wife listened to you.

I warned my ex’s new gf about him but she chose not to believe me, about anything! She is hooked and he has her wrapped around his little finger, doting on our son and his 2 girls to his ex-wife..I don’t know how on earth she’s going to sustain the relationship as she is a full-time law student with 2 young kids of her own, one which has a learning disability! I really feel sorry for her for not listening!

I was thinking as I read toward the end of your blog, that it’s no wonder we end up being accused of being crazy..it is like a kind of madness that they cause but people who have never ‘been there’ don’t understand.

Keep up the good work 🙂

Rosie from NZ

Ox Drover

Dear Margie,

Your story is MY story, only instead of a guy-gal relationship it was a Mother-son con-game.

In fact, if my P-son had been out of prison long enough to have a “relationship” (only 5 months in his entire adult life) I would say you hooked up with HIM.

I’m sorry you had this experience, but you are not the only one here who has “looked over” a convict’s past history, there are lawyers, physicians and therapists here who have been conned. If you had to be conned to find your way HERE, you at least have landed in GREAT COMPANY with some smart and supportive people and some great information here.

Hang around and read and read, all the old articles in the archives, and learn how to spot the red flags. It took me a long time, I’m 63, to get out from under the influence of my P-son and realize he makes your X-BF look like the “tooth fairy”–but life is GOOD on the other side of the fence. It is sure worth it! Again, welcome, and God bless.

ErinBrock

Margie:
Looking back…doesn’t it just blow you away what you (I/we) have done….and FOR A DAMN MAN????
If we would only put that sort of energy into ourselves!!!!

I think recon is great…awesome…..and very enlightening….BUT…it’s what we do with it that really counts…
Sometimes it’s just ‘fact’ finding info, sometimes we must act!

I trust you are now listening to your gut….it’ll never steer you wrong.

Women will give their lives for ‘benefit of doubt’…..we must change this….err on the side of caution and run for the hills!

Life has a way of teaching us lessons….and if we don’t ‘get it’ the first time around……don’t duck….cuz it’ll be coming right back around for us to catch on to!

I welcome you to LF, I hope you read, read read and get a clear understanding of all the behaviors and stiuations through others journies.
Take care of YOURSELF darling…..and again Welcome to LF!

ErinBrock

I’ve been ‘disecting’ the red flags from the ‘date’ the other night…..
Esshhhh!

I realize….even in this hyper vigilant state…..I’m too ‘benefitty of doubty’ kinda gal…..

As tough as I am….I’m a wimp.
I don’t want to ‘hurt’ anyone (Who hasn’t actively hurt me (yet) ).

In some situations…..I call a spade a spade….but WHY didn’t I call this dude out more harshly?

At one point, he put my hand on his gun…..can we say FREAKY?????
Was this to intimidate me? Or show me he was a gun toting cowboy? Was he showing off???? WTF?
No matter what….it’s inappropriate to carry a gun on a date huh?

At one point, he asked me if my name was the ‘short’ version of my real name….i/e Kathy….Kathleen…..
(NOT my real name)
He said, I think you should go by Kathleen….Kathleen is such a beautiful name…..I said….yeah….but it’s NOT my name….my name is Kathy….JUST Kathy.
Then he went into this song and dance about the name Kathleen…..
I just rolled my eyes…

The original place we met was packed and no where to sit….so I suggested we go to another place….he said….well, will you drive? I said, no…..it’ll be closer for him to get on the hwy from thenew restaurant….he reluctantly said, then i’ll follow you.
Isn’t that weird, that 5 min after meeting, he wanted to go in my car?

Okay….so the freakiest thing of all is……today, I get an email from him…..In response to my email stating…not interested…good luck to you.

“Oh, that’s fine. You’re still welcome to come shooting with me if you like. A girl needs to be able to defend herself, after all. ”

Now remember this dudes (supposidly) a firearm instructor….
I found the last sentence alarming…..given how weird this guy was….
Yeah….if you think I can’t defend myself w/o a gun…..YOUR KIDDING YOURSELF!
AFTER ALL!!!!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

EB – you sound a bit shook up. a bit scared. second guessing yourself and how you handled things. is this right?

the way i see it – you checked him out – you gave him what 2 hours? not 28 years.

that you didn’t call him out further…that was probably your wisdom, working in the situation.

you set boundaries and you kept them. you watched him from inside your own self – and did not cross over into lala land.

now, i know you didn’t hog tie him and brand him – but …that wasn’t the point was it.

i’ll place my bets on you, that when the iron needs to hit the forge it will – right on the next spathy ass will be seared, ‘EB was here, and you don’t wanna be’.

i hear that softness in you. and what sounds like fear. it’s okay, you did extremely well, and you WILL continue to do extremely well.

hugs,
one step

ErinBrock

One:
I’m on the hyper V side….for sure….
I think these days….I would rather err on the side of caution than find myself on the ‘down’ side…..

I don’t know….
I think I just have 2 words…..CELEBATE LESBIAN!!!!!

If I never ever date again…..then I won’t find myself in this predicament huh…..

I’ve just got to learn how to say NO…..or at least fine tune it!
But, i’d like to think there is a person out there I will be happy with and not question?

I think women wrestle with….is he the ‘one’….and when we determine he isn’t……it’s sometimes too late…..or harm done…

Maybe it’s just that I bring my ‘sweet’ EB on the dates…..because if some dude read my posts here and realized if he crossed me I’d kick his ass, in one way or another…..there isn’t a man on the planet that would ‘walk’ in with that knowledge.

Okay EB….BALANCE…….remember the balance….
I hate second guessing myself….

Yeah, and the second guessing if this dude was a stalker and has determined I ‘can’t’ defend myslef…..then I’m in for something….
I’d love to background him….I can’t find any info on the ‘dead’ wife…..I bet she’s not dead….
or if she is….maybe HE killed her…
He said she died of a ‘drug interaction’….she MISTAKENLY took the wrong meds in a ‘fog’ in the middle of the night….
It sounded like he was mimiking Britney Murpheys husbands statements…
Then he said….well ya know, we all knew she had an opiate addiction…..
HEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOO

He also said dead wifes mother was trying to break them up…..
Heeellloooooo…..
Sounds like some sorta BAD GUY!
At 36 years old…..do parents get involved if they are not truely concerned for their kids safety?

Okay….enough….RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS…

I guess the bottom line is….if someone is going to prey on us….we can’t stop that…..
BUT…..we can remain aware to put a stop to it as soon as we recognize it….
THAT”S WHAT I DID!!!!
PERIOD!

wheres the hog ties and the EB brand!

Thanks One…..

ErinBrock

I sound like I’m on Crack!!
🙂

GettingIt

Isn’t it funny how our reactions are so similar?
I just met a dude that lived off a woman for 16 years and does not seem to know why she’d break up with him after she was diagnosed with cancer and went through chimo. he still lives with her and she plans to let him remain there rent free. We do so many wild things for the guys we love. is that maternal?
I also wonder if there are a lot more of these men around than we originally thought. Yeap, Celebacy is a thing to consider for sure.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

EB: ‘i sound like i am on crack’ This made me laugh this morning –
You are in good company – someone here told me I sounded like i was on drugs. nooooo.

Rosa

I really admire you ladies for trying to “warn” the next girl on your sociopath’s list.
That’s really a generous and kind gesture on your part, and goes way above and beyond the call of duty…..at least as far as I am concerned.

There is no way in hell I would ever try to warn the next victim of my ex.
I would rather sit on the sidelines with a bucket of popcorn and a Diet Coke, and watch it all unravel. 🙂

~In my every day life, I only protect those who cannot protect themselves…like children and animals.
Anything beyond that it just too exhausting….and thankless.

witsend

ErinBrock,
You are so funny 🙂 But on a serious note….Maybe it is to soon for you to date. It’s possible that you just need a little more time. Being still in the hyper V state and having P radar on, are two different things. P-radar is one of those things that hopefully we will always have and even be able to fine tune, as we navigate ahead. P-radar is a good thing…

That hyper v state is something different. Its when we are still full of anxiety. And can also be from PTS.

I was diagnosed with PTS over a decade ago…Awile after my husband died. For many years I thought that I was doing so much better….I was really overwhelmed, so I just focused, on two things. Raising my kids and grieving. But anything else that took me outside of my comfort zone, I avoided, if possible. And all these years later, I feel right back where I started. Its like I “managed” it (pts symptoms) for years but I never really delt with it. I got “busy” with what I needed to do. I kind of went into survival mode. I “took on” what I thought was the most important things on my agenda….And because both of those things, raising kids and grieving took so much time and energy, it seemed to be at the time, all that I could manage.

You have been through alot….Battling an illness, raising your kids, battling your ex in court. We kind of go into a “mode” when we have to deal with these kinds of things under such stress.
Take care of yourself. Don’t ignore the PTS signs if you have them. Because they don’t go “away” if you don’t deal with them.

Ox Drover

EB,

I just got around to reading yhour post from last night, and HE TOOK A GUN ON A DATE? WHY in in the WORLD would he put your hand on the gun?

Yea, I KNOW WHY, this guy is a macho N/S/P!!!! But you know, I think this guy was a WACKO N/S/P who sure didn’t “get it” about how to go on a date with anyone besides a HOOKER. He was sure NOT “smooth”—I can’t even imagine some kind of woman who would be “turned on” by this guy, or want a SECOND date with him.

Don’t beat yourself over the head for not punching him out, or getting up and walking out. I think I would have been so STUNNED I would probably have set there with my mouth hanging open and DROOL running out with a WTF? look on my face. I think this guy had such a bad “come on” that he probably didn’t get very many second dates!

Aeylah

Erin B,

You’re funny and good for you to be so hyper allerted, but why did you even go out with this guy when you found out he was a “fire arms tryining instructor”? that right there is a red flag to me. I understand the right to bare arms, but someone who’s life is revolved around weapons has some serious anger issues.

Rosie,
you’re funny too….I agree with not ever warning a new GF about N/S/P and better get the pop corn and coke on the side lines….been there done that.

And LOL to becomming detectives, I just solved the pieces of a puzzle in the same way, when finding out that my ex-S took off on a European vacation that he had promised me with some one else…while still telling me he loved me and there was no one else! The clues were all there, the lies, the dis appearing act, the cold sholder….. I booted him out. But it took pain, anguish and the whole feeling of being betrayed again to find out. “Asta la vista amigo” is all I have to say.

Rosie

Erin brock I think the hand on gun gesture was a bit psuedo-sexual don’t you think? Did it seem that way? He might have been trying to make an opening….hoping that you’d make some innuendo about where-else you might want to put your hand. What an eejit

pollyannanomore

Rosie kia ora …. kia kaha sister – stay strong 🙂

Yes Erin – the gun is a symbol of both violence and something else – they both go bang! He was trying to show you how tough and macho he is …and get you hot for his other ‘gun’ – men are such idiots sometimes! As if that’s a turn on … shows how little they know about women 🙂

ErinBrock

Aeyla: The FAI wasn’t a red flag to me…..but now it is….HA
It stood for responsible……not murderous….but now I question it….
the portrayal of ‘someone’ that no one would question….thats the MO and it ain’t gonna stop them targeting us…..again…it’s up to us to recognize…

The gun ‘gesture’ was weird….
I think it was a ‘hint’….hey….I’m ALWAYS ARMED….
I didn’t get the sexual bit…..but I wasn’t even going to allow the conversation to go there…..
Maybe that sort of gestures have promted other women to reach for the crotch…..NOT ME!

He showed me pics of some type of gun…(he said he was a collector)….that had a silencer on it….
I said….what does one do with a gun like this….he said, nothing.
I said, if you don’t shoot it…why would you have it? He said….oh, this isn’t a gun you’d shoot unless you were a terroist in Iraq.
THEN….he shows me another picture of a friend of his SHOOTING THIS GUN!

So….someone tell me….do people really own guns….(outside of antiques) that they have NO intention of shooting? Or maybe illegal to shoot?
Is this what a gun collector does….just collects guns and never ever shoots them? Wouldn’t it be more ‘fun’ to collect something you can or will use once in a while…..at the range?
Like collecting wine….at some point you drink it.

CAmom

Erin B:

Amongst so many red flags, the gun thing kinda freaks me out. Sounds like he is authorized to carry a concealed weapon. But putting your hand on it is so over the top, so against what cops are told to do. My dad is still authorized to carry a concealed weapon (he’s 84 and a retired cop) but it was and is *always* concealed, meaning we can’t/couldn’t tell if he was “packing heat” or not.

This guy broke a multitude of both personal and professional boundries. Yeah, he probably did think you’d have a positive reaction to the gun (yech)

Good for you for staying far out of his way and protecting yourself.

CAmom

erin:

Silencers are illegal. My dad and my uncle both had a lot of guns and rifles (when the police department upgraded to another kind of gun, the cops had the option of buying their old guns cheap—the ones they’d used and liked); so my dad because he’s a cop, my uncle because he was the *only* lawman in a huge mountain district…and owned a cattle ranch and needed it for coyotes or rattlesnakes or anything threatening the livestock…he carried a pistol in a holster every time we worked cattle.

My dad went to the firing range (won 1st prize for all CA lawmen) otherwise they were unloaded and locked up. Same with my uncle—locked in a gun cabinet. He had 1 or 2 favorite rifles and used them when needed.

I’d have to say yes, there are gun collectors who never shoot them…and yes, wine makes more sense!

This guy is sick, sick, sick. And he sure does love his photos. As much a spath as my dad is, if he heard about your “date” and his behaviour with guns, my dad would want you to report him…this is not normal.

neveragain

Hi Erin.

Just wanted to say, I disagree with your statement “because if some dude read my posts here and realized if he crossed me I’d kick his ass, in one way or another”..there isn’t a man on the planet that would ’walk’ in with that knowledge.” My hubby is such a man. There are some good men, with high integrity that have faith in themselves and know they would never cross you wrongly, and that if they did, they would face the music and pay the price.

In fact, I think that is the only kind of man worth having.

The bait determines the kind of fish you land. Get your assertive, confident kick-ass self out there!!!!!!!!! 🙂

I think the main man magnet, for good men, is a woman with a ready laugh and tons of self-confidence.

ErinBrock

Neveragain:
THANKS…..for the reminder…..your absolutely right huh!
I’m who I am….and it’s true….if they are worried about ‘getting in my way’…..then they should pull off the road to begin with and not be ‘driving’ in my path.

I gotta stop using day old bread to attract my fish and reapply my bait….(confidence) to the lake.

CaMom:
Yeah….if you carry a concealed….so what…..why you flaunting it….it wasn’t as if he was ‘proving’ a point to me…like…EB, don’t try and mug me in the parking lot….cuz i’ll shootcha…..

So…..now if I disappear…it’ll either be the S ex….or S#2 or S#3….OR THE VALENTINES DATE!
The list is growing….
So….if I’m shot….ya’ll know where to look. VD man.

🙂

Rosa

ErinBrock:

I think it’s safe to say that this man was going all out trying to impress you.
(The operative word here is “trying”)

I think he was running his game on you…..big time.

That’s what men do when they are looking for some boo-tay!
Unfortunately, there’s plenty more out there just like him.

But, it was not a love connection, and you are moving on.
Good for you.
There are decent men out there.
But, it’s like a bargain sale at Nordstrom’s….you have to sift through the crap to get to the good stuff.

~By the way, wine connoisseurs get really pissy if you drink their wine before they say it’s time.

Ox Drover

You know CAmom has a GOOD POINT, carrying “concealed” is supposed to BE CONCEALED, showing your weapon is enough to get your license lifted if you are not pulling it on a BAD GUY!

Silencers are a FEDERAL go to “jail card” and not one taken lightly by the ATF at all, they are about like a hand grenade, as far as the law is concerned.

I live in the sticks too, and have guns, and carry and use them as needed, and if in self defense would “make someone’s day” but I don’t FLAUNT them EVER! Those people that know me, know my house is “loaded” and that I am ballsy enough to use one, and a DAMN good shot too, but I am NOT about to flaunt one ever or bring one out unless I am 1/100th second away from pulling the trigger because someone is there coming AT ME with a gun.

In my situation, when I go to the door and open it, if I don’t know who the person is, my hand is behind the door with the gun in my hand but no one can SEE it. But guns are like fire extinguishers, if you need one, you need it NOW so there isn’t any “would you please stay right there with that knife while I go unlock my gun safe and find the ammo and load my gun.”

If my son C had has his gun on him or nearby when the ex-convict Trojan Horse tried to break down his door with a gun cocked and loaded in his hand, there wouldn’t have been a problem, C would have nailed him—but TH-P knew that C didn’t have his gun. I just thank God that the cops just happened to be, by the grace of God, near by when C did get through to the cops–usually it is a 35 minute or more wait for the cops.

I also agree with Never again, the “bait you use determines the kind of fish you catch” so if you occasionally catch a carp on catfish bait, you just throw the sucker back as soon as you see what it is.

I don’t think Erin could have predicted what kind of jerk this guy was until she was on the date, but you will notice that SAVY Chick that she is, tossed that bottom feeder right back iinto the pond! TOWANDA ERIN!!!!

lostingrief

i find the boundless energy we have for taking care of these spath-holes endless and all-encompassing. since i threw the demon out, i haven’t had the energy to even hand wash my damn bras!
i wonder how on earth i did all that i did. i’d even meet him at this bank (a 20-minute walk) just so he didn’t have to look for a parking space. i’d sit there like a damn jerk to make his life easy; then he’d drive me back home and (i found out later) go to his girlfriend’s house!
at his simple request (please, baby, i’m hungry) i’d get up at midnight and make him french toast (his favorite) even though i had to be up at 6 a.m. for work. (he didn’t get up until 8).
funny, i don’t recall him going out of his way for me even once; he used to tell me his ‘mere presence’ was enough.
so glad that’s all over with. still trying to recoup even an ounce of that energy. emotionally i’m so much better. physically, it’s all still clogged up within. pain and exhaustion are my constant companions. but i’ll get better. first my mind … now my body. i refuse to — in the end — let him take ANY of me away with him.
TOWANDA!

Erin, I thought the same thing, LOL! When you said he put your hand on his ‘gun’ I thought it wasa euphemism for his Dick. On a first date? Eugh!!! gem.XX

pollyannanomore

Ha ha lostingrief – mine was more blatant – when I would question his committment to the relationship his reply was …
“I’m here aren’t I?” As t hough his mere presence was enough while I ran myself ragged looking after his every need. What a bastard – it makes me fume when I think of it now – milking every last ounce of energy out of me passive aggressively then sweetly saying “I don’t expect you to do things for me” _ YEAH RIGHT! I know the sulking and bad behaviour I got if I didn’t do things for him.

He had a really annoying habit of not eating for ages and then grumping at me when I was trying to make food because he had become shitty with hunger – yet he would never see to his own needs by himself – he wanted a mother, not a lover. God pity his next victim – she has no idea what she is dealing with.

Physically I am still knotted up from it and still on high alert, but mentally and emotionally I am SO much better – just being away from his craziness makes all the difference. My perception is now valid and what I want in life counts as it never did before.
TOWANDA for us who got away!

hens

Erin – In the future avoid anyone in law inforcement. red flag – yes we need cops with guns but they are all about POWER – that gun he wanted you to feel, makes him FEEL powerful – take away his gun and he is a jerk with a bad attitude. My P-dar went off before your date with him, the moment you said he was a marshall, but I kept my mouth shut,,go ahead and hit me with yer skillet for being opinionated, i need a buzz….

ErinBrock

No hens…..I’m going to clobber you for keeping your mouth shut!!!

🙂

CAmom

hens:

Agree with you about law enforcement men in general. Especially my spath dad.

I have 2 loaded handguns b/c I live in a bad neighborhood. They aren’t locked up as I live alone, and have hidden them in the most convenient places in case someone breaks in while I am home (which did happen–long story–didn’t feel like killing someone over a DVD player and other stuff)

My life would have been another story…I’m a damn good shot from years shooting cans and cardboard “men” on the ranch.

My dad got into police work because he wanted POWER, and he got it. He is 5’8″ and always resented the “BIG GUYS.” A gun is a great equalizer.

My uncle, a constable (how quaint–no more constables in CA) was in law enforcement because he needed the money to tide him over the bad years on his cattle ranch. He never made a big deal over it, and was a good man not into power. He was a confident guy, expert horseman, and fair minded.

So they aren’t ALL into POWER, though a lot of them are. And it isn’t just the gun, it’s the BADGE they wear…my spath dad used to show me how to handcuff a person and cause them pain–you “slap on the cuffs” and make sure you hit the wrist bone. Then, he said, the guy complains and my dad would say, “What? What are you talking about?’ Very innocent.

The cuffed guy would have a bruise and lump on his wrist “if done right.” I know this firsthand as my dad did this to me every so often, just “showing me” he claimed. It hurts like hell.

He also cuffed my ankles together while I had to lay face down on the carpet. Very sick bastard.

The current police chief here is my daughter’s cousin by marriage. When he was a rookie, didn’t make much money, he had a huge cocaine problem…would pass it around at parties….I am certain this was drug bust cocaine..he could never have afforded such immense amounts.

I doubt I would date anyone in law enforcement. Maybe I’m cynical, but I do not trust them.

Rosie

Kia ora Midlife! 🙂

Mine used those exact words “I’m here aren’t I?”

And they say romance is dead!

Like yours he also whined about his hungwy tum-tum, even several hours after I gave birth he was getting anxious about not being fed lol. Funny considering the guy had a puku on him big enough to get him through a year without eating hehe

Rosie

CAmom my ex was a detective, now a uniformed sergeant. I would never date another cop after what I have learned. I think it’s pretty common for cops to cheat, as they come across so many vulnerable women in their work, and the power is an aphrodesiac. There is also a big drinking culture amongst the cops here and the Police Bar is even exempt from the Sale of Liquor Act.
My ex was very emotionally deadened to situations that would have others reeling. I remember he returned home from dealing with a teenage suicide and from the way he spoke about it there was no empathy for her or the family.
Once he also recounted how he had to help get a burning body out of a car and the smell of burning flesh made his tummy rumble!

Kudos to cops for dealing with horrible situations ..I guess one needs to be pretty tough to handle all that but you can see why the police career would attract sociopaths – POWER POWER POWER

Rosie

Lol @ hens P-dar

Rosa

For those who may be interested:

Get yourself some Twizzlers and a Diet Coke….Tiger Woods is making his public statement/apology this morning at 11:00 a.m. Eastern.

learnthelesson

LOLs Rosa…LOL

one/joy_step_at_a_time

rosa – damn, and i forgot to wear my rose colored glasses and put my stupid hat on today.

hens

I think he should give his speech in the nude..

Rosa

🙂
That would not be good for the endorsements.
The endorsements are in jeapardy…… 😉

hens

HMMM well it was a good speech, it sounded very familar – I am sorry – I will change – wonder who wrote that speech for him? anyway i hope he does change – I cant believe national TV was pre-empted and the news channels are making this out to be like a presidential speech – these sports figures are far way too over rated – over paid and over worshiped – I just dont get it….

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hens – re i think he should do the speach in the nude. you made me laught. no fucking small accomplishment today!

learnthelesson

Did you happen to catch the “other” live press conference…Attorney Gloria Allred with one of Tigers mistresses…A porn star…requesting a meeting and an apology….she claims emotional abuse, lies “he was only playing a game” “she didnt sign up for that game”…she only agreed to him being with his wife and HER (lolll – srry) it was a crazy press conference – she was being questioned as to what she expected when getting involved with a married man — Gloria said but he told her he loved her he was in love with her. Reporter said did he ever indicate he was leaving his wife or was going to marry you – porn star said No. Never. They dont want to file a lawsuit. They just want an apology.

Crazy stuff.

Rosa

Henry:

You are cracking me up this morning!

They were fighting on CNN about whether Woods is a sex addict or a narcissist.
Good debate….

hens

he is a Narcissist – that got caught. He wont change – he will just get better at hiding his bimbo’s…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

the fact that the ‘n’ word was used is in itself amazing. did they bother to define it?

Nicolaid

Hello,

“A porn star”requesting a meeting and an apology”.she claims emotional abuse”

Those Americans are funny. 🙂

I admire Tiger’s hability to push balls in tiny holes with his mere club. He surely did deserve – for this outstanding feat – the pleasures of a bountiful harem, just like ancient emperors.

ErinBrock

I can’t wait…..I really do think he’s so very sorry…..

FOR GETTING CAUGHT!

Ox Drover

YOu know, WE pay these people by watching their “feats” and by buying the stuff they endorse, and by not boycotting their endorsements when they act like this. Just like the gladiators of Roman times were fetted and paid well, furnished harems and glory, these people are no better or worse.

Look at professional football, and “wrestling” how we glorify these folks, and they ruin their lives and bodies and families and we still watch them, buy their stuff—when the public quits glorifying these people because they can throw a ball, while they live like animals, and act WORSE than animals, then they will not become “famous” but SHAME-ous.

Give a P all the money, power, glory he wants (for whatever reason) and look at what he will become—Governor of NY, Governor of Illinois, etc. etc. you get the idea, or TIGER WOODS.

Rosa

The worst of the worst is still Michael Vick.
He’s an animal abuser/dog killer.

At least Woods never physically hurt any innocent children or animals.

However, Tiger does have a devestated porn star on his hands.
So, I guess nobody gets off scott free…..

lostlittlegirl

Mine killed the fish in our pond, beat the dog with a leather leash. It seemed this was ok because animals don’t have souls, he said. (I disagree, HE was the one with no soul.)
He can get away with this and more(assaulting people) because he has $$$$connections and has spent years honing his skills on women(five wives to date and unknown # of girlfriends.)

Rosie

Killed a fish! Wow he’s TOUGH

nomoreusers

To ErinBrock – the way you described this guy matches the guy I broke off with – Gun instructor, insists that women need to protect themselves, smooth, etc.. Please tell me he is not the same person. He lives in Virginia. Can you confirm whether your guy does?

lostingrief

hens,
that was my feeling. the guy is a friggin’ golfer! that’s about it. he’s good at golf!! and he’s a womanizer. oh, and he earns a gazillion dollars because he can really hit that ball with that club and get it in the little cup.
WTF?! i particularly loved all of the ‘body language experts’ who were lined up by EVERY news station. they all disagreed with eachother. ”oh, he showed deep remorse. see here! he bowed his head when he said ‘cheated!”’ OY VEY.
okay. here’s my EXPERT analysis. the guy’s a HO. a dog. a user. a self-obsessed schmuck. he’ll always be a cheater, and he really doesn’t care who he hurt. period.
ta-dah!

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