By Joanie Bentz, M.Ed., LBS, CCBPAn A&E reality television series called Hoarders debuted in 2009 and is still popular today. If you have viewed any of the episodes, you probably have a good idea of how hoarding disorder can escalate over time and become so severe that it causes environmental and health dangers, which impair the person from functioning and thriving normally. Typically, on the show, concerned family and friends intervene and seek treatment for the hoarder, and most of the time, with intensive support, the hoarder agrees to address their disorder. The home is cleared out, and the hoarder receives therapy to address the root causes …
Asking the wrong question about coercive controllers
Coercive control is a pattern of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten the victim. Where does this behavior come from?A Lovefraud reader sent me an article by Dr. Emma Katz, who describes herself as a “globally respected expert in coercive control, domestic violence and domestic abuse.” I invite you to read the article:She didn’t “pick wrong.” Society failed by creating millions of abusive men.In her article, Katz says there are so many abusers in the world that “we need to stop blaming women for ‘ignoring red flags’ when men turn out to be controlling and abusive partners.”I listened to Katz speak on a few podcasts, and she does s …
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Book Review: How to Do the Inner Work
How to Do the Inner Work: A guide to self-discovery, empowerment, and emotional healing, by Susanne MadsenReview by Donna AndersenThe key to recovery from the sociopath is healing your heart. I’ve said this many times in my blog articles, videos and to my coaching clients. But how do you do it? A new book by Susanne Madsen, How to Do the Inner Work, is a clear, concise guidebook for exactly that.Sociopaths are evil. They create havoc in our lives. Their behavior is criminal, or it should be. And they often get away with their bad behavior with little to no consequences.We do our best to fight them, or at least save ourselves. In the end, we usually need to come to terms with our e …
Your split brain: Why you still love the abuser
Perhaps you’ve had the following experience: Your new beau showered you with so much attention and affection that you fell in love. Then, slowly or quickly, your partner became deceitful, mean, disparaging and maybe even violent. You were shocked, angry and heartbroken, so you distanced yourself. But after a while, your memory of the bad behavior faded, and you just thought of the good times. You still love the abuser and want to reunite. How is this possible? When your romantic partner lies, cheats, betrays, exploits or abuses you, how can you ever forget that, and why would you return for more?The explanation is rooted in biology. Dr. Liane Leedom, a psychiatrist and professor of c …
When bad behavior shows symptoms, not flaws
By Eleanor CowanThis is how the bad behavior looked then:The first time Leah didn’t show up for dinner, I was a little hurt. When I called, she offered profuse, sincere apologies — she’d forgotten to check her agenda book, she said.“Okay,” I said, “Grab a cab. I’ll keep our meal warm.” No, that couldn’t happen either because she was just about to see a client. Again, sincere apologies. The second time, grateful to Leah for lending her car to my daughter for a driving lesson, I prepared her favourite, an eggplant stir fry on Jasmine rice. Again, she didn’t come. “Leah! Your delicious meal is on the table. Where are you?” Again, genuine apologies. She was maxed “beyond human comprehension” …
More evidence that psychopaths do not ‘burn out’
For years, the conventional wisdom in the mental health field was that psychopaths “burn out,” or engage in less antisocial behavior, after age 40. This is stated as fact in multiple psychiatry textbooks. But my research, published in a peer-reviewed journal in 2022, indicates psychopaths do not burn out. A new scientific paper validates my conclusions.Why should you care? Because if you’re dealing with someone who has psychopathic traits, chances are slim to none that this person will change for the better. If you’re seeing lies, manipulation, cruelty and abuse, it will continue. If he or she is taking advantage of you or others, that will also continue. Now, maybe you think that you do …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Losing the fear of What Ifs
Editor's Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we're calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else? This time she relates the freedom that comes with losing the fear of What Ifs.I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn't I do this sooner?”I didn't do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does da …
Red Flags of Love Fraud #3: Sexual magnetism
Great sex. Many people who have slept with a sociopath say it was the best sex they ever had. I surveyed Lovefraud readers for my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud – 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, and 78 percent said "sexual magnetism" was characteristic of their relationship. Why is that? First of all, sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. Secondly, sociopaths are frequently good lovers.Rating sex with sociopathsPeople who have had sex with sociopaths almost always rave about it. "Swept off my feet by the most intense sexual experience," wrote one respondent to the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey. The sentiment was echoed over and over again. I asked, "If you had sex with the ind …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I provided her a road map to my life
Editor's Note: The following post was written by a Lovefraud reader who comments as RobertinSeattle. He realized that in providing detailed answers in an online profile, he provided a female predator with a road map to his life.Boy, I've started and re-started this post several times. Each time, a new idea or thought comes up that changes what I want to convey in my first open post about a recent breakup that started from a popular online dating site.But let me start off with some general observations: I've noted on many websites and blogs that sociopaths make up anywhere from 1% - 4% of our society. And that male sociopaths outnumber females by as many as 8-to-1. While I might agree with …
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The hard truth: Evil sociopaths exist
Our society rarely talks about evil. There’s little discussion of morality, and even less of its opposite — wickedness. As a result, we don’t know that evil sociopaths exist, so we don’t know to protect ourselves from them.I can’t tell you how many times people told me, while relating their awful stories of being deceived and betrayed, “I didn’t know people like this existed.”They do. So why is there no discussion? Why don’t we know about evil sociopaths?I can think of two reasons, one related to cultural change, and the other to confusion about terminology.Cultural changeWhen I first started my career in the early 1980s, the term “politically correct” came into vogue. The idea was to avoid l …