Editor’s note: The Lovefraud author Eleanor Cowan wants to educate survivors of narcissistic abuse into recognizing how their own actions may contribute to their misery. This is the fourth article in her collection of true stories called, “Impactful Stories for Stubborn Codependents,” and highlights the pain of family estrangement. Eleanor’s biographical book is called, “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.” Ending the Long Game By Eleanor Cowan Sori answered the call on a sunny summer day, steps away from reaching the summit of Mount Royal. “Hey, Mom. How would you like to fly in and look after your fabulous grandkids while Heidi and I do a business trip for ten days?” “I’d adore …
Staying too long with a disordered husband
Editor’s note: The Lovefraud author Eleanor Cowan wants to educate survivors of narcissistic abuse into recognizing how their own actions may contribute to their misery. This is the third article in her collection of true stories called, “Impactful Stories for Stubborn Codependents.” Eleanor’s biographical book is called, “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.” One Loose Thread How could a single loose thread be this strong, Kay wondered, giving up on pulling it from the sheet that was covering Sori. Noticing its imprint on her finger, she let go. “I still remember how it felt, after all these years,” she whispered. Kay spoke to her friend now, inert on the gurney. “I’m not going to ask w …
Codependence and tolerating bad behavior
Editor’s note: The Lovefraud author Eleanor Cowan wrote “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.” She is now working on tales intended to shock codependent people into recognizing their behavior and connecting with support and guidance to overcome it. The collection is called, “Impactful Stories for Stubborn Codependents.” Here’s the first story. See Eleanor’s comments at the end. Graduation Day By Eleanor Cowan Kim reminded herself to sell or donate or otherwise dispose of her mother’s wheelchair, still lodged behind the porch door, but first she’d have to repair the rickety back steps of the doorway. She felt it. That heaviness, that cloudy confusion, a murkiness she quickl …
When bad behavior shows symptoms, not flaws
By Eleanor Cowan This is how the bad behavior looked then: The first time Leah didn’t show up for dinner, I was a little hurt. When I called, she offered profuse, sincere apologies — she’d forgotten to check her agenda book, she said. “Okay,” I said, “Grab a cab. I’ll keep our meal warm.” No, that couldn’t happen either because she was just about to see a client. Again, sincere apologies. The second time, grateful to Leah for lending her car to my daughter for a driving lesson, I prepared her favourite, an eggplant stir fry on Jasmine rice. Again, she didn’t come. “Leah! Your delicious meal is on the table. Where are you?” Again, genuine apologies. She was maxed “beyond hu …
After the sociopath, proud of my healing
It was a weeknight in 1996. My talented teenage daughter sat at the kitchen table, dutifully doing homework important to her. Meanwhile, at 48 years old, I was behind my closed bedroom door, on my bed, chain-smoking and weeping on the phone to friends who generously gave me their time. "How can this be?" I lamented. "Last week, I felt so loved, like everything was falling into place. And now, with a few snide remarks about my ‘failure to comprehend basic math’ and other cruel criticisms, here I am again. How can this be?" I swallowed another TUMS tablet, trying to ease the acidic ache in my stomach. For two long pre-Lovefraud.com, pre-YouTube years, friends gave me their time, lis …
Note to self: Do not break the No Contact rule
Editor’s note: The Lovefraud authorEleanor Cowan, who wrote "A History of a Pedophile’s Wife," describes what happened when she thought she could break the No Contact rule. By Eleanor Cowan Wow! What just happened? Whammo! I was abused this week, completely out of the blue, entirely unexpected, and yet, oh so familiar. I feel black and blue, and I make no mistake, verbal lashings leave me bruised too. I invited my younger brother, a fellow with whom I’ve never achieved a mutual relationship, for a nice fish ‘n chip supper at a local restaurant. We’re both living in the same city now, and I wanted to reach out. My bro, one of the youngest in our alcoholic family, has a history of alcohol …
Sexually abused as a child, she later chose three abusive partners
By Eleanor Cowan Bullied incessantly by an older brother, "Emily" got called fat, stupid, and ugly…all projections of her sibling’s own worst fears. From childhood, Em was sexually molested by him so much that she “got used to it.” Her mom screamed viciously at anyone not removing their filthy boots at the door, but remained silent about the muddy molestations tracked by her extremely isolated and overweight son. That’s the backstory. Fast forward fifty years. Emily just left her third partner. The first two also disqualified themselves: The first was a shameless bully. He insisted his slaps and punches were harmless, just as he emphasized that sex on demand was a marital right. F …
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How loss through suicide creates perfect targets for sociopaths
By Eleanor Cowan The generous invitation to a "Survivors of Suicide Loss Retreat," a day of comfort for those left behind, could so easily have been ignored by me. After all, it's been 46 years since my depressed mother climbed over the railing of her high-rise balcony in Toronto. I’ve done a great deal of recovery work since then. I researched the negative domino effect of Mum’s life: abused by her alcoholic father, unprotected by her co-dependent mother, denied the privilege of marrying the man she loved because he wasn’t Irish, followed by her hasty marriage to an unhappy religious man, who was a widower – and Irish. “Why did you marry a man you didn’t love, Mom?” I asked her one …
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Finally recognizing a sociopath’s abuse
By Eleanor Cowan “The statute of limitations? It took me 25 years post-drug-rape to recognize his abuse,” I replied to a comment as a bunch of us at our local Senior Center crowded around the fitness room TV to hear the sentencing of a dangerous sex criminal, a wealthy fellow much older than most of us, a fatherly figure whose abuses rampaged for decades with no limitations, brakes or borders. “Why is there no statute of limitations for murder?” asked one woman, “while there is one for sexual abuse?” “Yes,” said another, “Billy can wake up with a sudden recall of the murderer who killed twenty years ago, and the police are on it. No officer would ever say, ‘Sorry, times up on your re …
With the sociopath, I kept my mouth shut — not anymore
By Eleanor Cowan A 1929 Depression-era humorist, Andrew Glasow, once wrote, “Improvement begins with I,” and this week, I noted an example of my progress. On Tuesday, I filled out a feedback form about a costly senior health program I attended. I complained that our well-paid lecturers felt entitled to consume 96 minutes of our time to detail their personal histories of living overseas, the languages they’d learned so quickly, and the distinguished academic careers of their high-achieving children – none of which was on the agenda. Annoyed, I chose not to return to the afternoon segment. That evening, an attendee, Ted, called to say that only the last scrunchy 25 minutes of the worksho …
With the sociopath, I kept my mouth shut — not anymoreRead More