Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Petite?
You are doing something caused magical thinking.
He may find a woman who is a good homemaker but these men routinely seek intelligent women. They need the challenge and they get bored with less.
And an intelligent woman has a mouth and a brain, and picks up on the lies. No matter how domestic she is.
She will question the discrepancies. She won’t tolerate the deception. In short, she will be no different than you.
Because you are all those things, too.
So he will not enjoy perfection without you in his life. It may look as though he is but know that he cannot be happy.
His life is about conquests, power, use/abuse and supply.
There is no happiness in that equation.
Trimama, you are so right!!!!! Petite listen to her, the “magical thinking” of he will make some other woman happy is just that, it is being upset because there is no Santa Claus, sugar, there NEVER WAS ANY SANTA CLAUS….you just thought there was.
The only thing this man was is a cheater who gave his wife an STD and went to years of counseling without it doing one damned bit of good, he was still a cheater at the end of all those years of counseling.
No matter how smart he is or how talented or how well respected he is for his operations and presentations about them, you know he is a FAKE as a human being…he is a FAILURE who is worthless in a relationship. His wife is fortunate he and she are divorcing. She would be better off with a wino who loved her than the high profile physician.
trimama,
That was an AMAZING post and SO true!!!
They DO like the challenge of intelligence. If she IS intelligent, she WON”:T put up with his crap and she’ll catch his discrepancies and lies early on.
Also, think about it. He’ll still have contact with his ex. What FUN that would be for the new woman, eh?? Spaths love triangulation situations and that’s what SHE can expect as well.
Having an ex with kids just makes it more FUN for him.
You don’t need any of that, Petitie.
What a nightmare. And all would serve to distract you from your profession, which you would SURELY lose being with someone like that.
Hang in there!
LL
Hi,
Thanks, yes, I agree with all of you.
wish I had never gone to that meeting in Europe in 2009, where I met him.
yes, lot of stress, like someone said – at least now I am off the merry go round and have a chance to enter the normal amusement park.
I must remember whay Oxy said – he is worthless in a relationship.
forget the dream, which never was, all it was – was a lie.
Lesson, if there is any other suggestion / advice that comes to your mind – please do post it here for me.
thanks
petite
Hi OX Drover, HL,
Thankyou so much, I am a little too late check your posts..today he left cooked food at my door step , so i called to tell take it back…he start crying …and i listened his story , that his ex is staying at the truck not in the house, helping there 4 yr old and more..( she is home less )
i still have no feelings but fear..i think they might rob me , i have ADT but is that really enough..? i feel like i sold my self to devil, he is good looking , charming, when i was talking to his ex wife she was the same way..i feel used…next time some one tells me they are home less and have kids to feed i will think twise…
i hanged up saying that i will not be going back what ever his story is..( he put her on the phone , she said she is sleeping in the truck ) i dont know if i should even pay attention to that, since she does drugs too..
i know what you guys are thinking ..how i got involved..
well when i first saw him, he was out side playing with his son, i was sitting on the porch listening to music..his son ran to me ( i feel like he send him to me ) start talking..he introduses him self as a single father ,( he is one of the most good looking guys i have seen in a long time) he is out of job, cuz of his accident and i belived every bit of it..next day he came over to my house with wine..and i dont drink, no smoke…just too plain..but what he said sticked with me…wow you have a beatiful house , this room could be for my daughter and this for my son and this is for me and you…i just didnt like it, since i like my space…i didnt say much ..but i fell in love …i gave him gifts..his kids..throw birthday party for him..
then comes the drama …ex wife showing up my door ,saying he was with her the whole time ..even after the party…
i didnt let him move in with me, even though he asked so many times..just some thing told me, i couldnt trust him all the way
she told me that he is a dealer and still married to his first wife ..they do drugs togethr and they are in to group sex ..i was so hurt..i am a christian who havent seen the out side world that much and fell for a con artist..?
i was a model , i have met guys who i broke hearts , and end up with a con artist..? this is a pay back from above…
then he cryed and told me she is on drugs , she want him back, and he cant live with out me and more..
so i have been watching them..till last week..she came over with the trucksince she have no place to live, now he tells me she stay in the truck on his driveway..i dont know what to think..
i am hurt..knowing i was so stupid to beleve all he told me..his family treated me like there own…but they all knew the real him…and smiled at me like i was the one they all been waiting to have
i feel so worthless…my looks dont mean anything, my brain doesnt mean anything, i am that women whom still hyde inside the closet when the monster still in the house…i dont want to cry no more..all the lies he told me , all those women came to the house day and night ,stayed over night because they were helping him clean the house and i beleved it..i said hi to some of them…they were pretty women, on drugs…i am his girlfriend who doesnt do drugs so i had to sit out side the room while he sell them…i remeber when the women leave she have this smile on her face that you stupid women…and he came out as if nothing happened..
yes, i am the most brain less women in america, who tell 150 people a day what they should do when i am on duty..wow…and my life is a joke..
how would i forget this, how long would i keep this brave face infront of him and drive away as nothing touched me…
i am humiliated, i can smell the other women on me, i see his ex wife wearing my cloths when he suppose to take it to good will for me…ok..i understand she is home less…but why me…
she told me he took her on a ride when he suppose to take it to buy me advil..
wow…i feel so small..i am happy that you guys cant see me, my face, but i know you dont judge me …but it hurts…so bad
i am afraid this is going to change me who i am , how i feel about people…i wont be able to trust any one..i do wan tto go for counsiling…but i also have degree in sociology…see this makes me wanna beleve i am just born stupid…i quit my modeling job, for a man, now a con man making me stay home ,so i can hyde…but i cant quit..i love what i do..
so here, this is what is my life now..and yes, i kept my money, didnt let him borrow, even when he asked , wanted to let him move with me but didnt because i find out about the ex and always afraid of drugs..though i feel like to take some..
he is on meth, she is on meth, they dont work, how are they living , from the food stamp…i didnt know any of this things in the begining..when i find out ..it was bad for me to say i cant be with you cuz, you have no money..i thought i have enough for both of us…but cheating was not ok…
wht do i do..i am still at work…when i get home, he will wait out side with that face, that i took his heart out…look..i have to go to my room knowing he is looking at my shadow thru the window..he sits out side all night looking at my window..yes..i peeked and saw that ..he doesnt know…
now when i get home what do i do with the food at my door step ( my sister is visiting , she called me to say there is food sitting there ,i didnt tell her the story..she will panic)
i feel a lot better…i am sorry for this long post…
i am looking for a place to move , i will rent my house out ..but at the bottom of my heart i am wishing he was that person i thought he was, or can he ever change….or is it true that he is really in love with me that will never hurt me again…see …..!!!!!!!!!! i am that women in the movies that you wanna throw a rock at for being so stupid…
love you all…i have that plenty now…
nightgal
LL,
are you there. I am in so much pain.
exactly where you were a few weeks ago.
Trimama and oxy and all of you say – he is a big fat lie.
he will cheat on the next woman. yet, some part of me – wants him to write to me all the sweet words, court me, plan trips with me.
what is so wrong with me – that after all the good advice that you have given me, I still feel this way for him.
petite
Nightgal ~ You do know what to do. Treat him as if he does not exist. He is so, NOT worthy of you!!
Moving away from him WONDERFUL idea!! Unless you know his landlord and can have him evicted for the illegal activities?? Another option, call the police and report him. Drugs, peeping tom, etc.
Also, it sounds as if his ex-wife is kind of playing games with you too. Personally, I would stay as far away from them as possible. JMO
((hugs))
Petite ~ Remember, he is a FAKE, a SHAM, an ILLUSION.
A real, caring man would not treat you the way he did.
You can do this. You know that you can do this.
It’s hard now, but it will get better, as long as you keep moving AWAY from involvement with him.
Please take care of YOU, and stay AWAY from the predator!
(((hugs)))
Petite,
LL isn’t here but I am and I want you to get through this. Please hang in there with NC. I went through the same thing with mine. It takes time. The man you are craving that you had all the good times with doesn’t exist! You will never get him back. You really need to be strong. Look how strong LL is. You be strong, too. Do it for yourself. Do it for everyone here who wants you to recover. I’m sending you big hugs. You WILL get through this.
P.S. I took a bath and I feel better. I get so ungrounded sometimes. Jeez.
Star ~ good for you hon. A little pampering can help ALOT!!
I am glad that you are feeling better. ((hugs)) to you too!!