Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay

Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they’ve come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men.

Lovefraud reader eyeswideshut writes about this in a recent comment to the post, After he’s gone: looking at the sociopath through open eyes. She asks:

Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book (“Straight Wives”), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also socios?

To this, another Lovefraud reader, Leslie, commented:

On the third extended date I had with the SP, I turned to him one night, after we’d been together, and said, “Have you been with men?” Something in the way he’d made love made me think he had. He stared at the window and said in a monotone, “I have never made love to a man.” It was the same monotone he used to deny that he was living with a woman when I asked him that a year later. He was. I don’t have hard proof, but I know the guy had had sex with men.

Then alohatraveler commented:

I have heard from another victim of my sociopath that he was starting to get more “experimental” when she knew him. She knew him after me. He was expressing an interest in having sex with a man, but of course, with a woman present, because he was “not gay.” We both also saw an ad that he posted looking for sex with a transsexual. Then he placed an ad where he wanted a traditional type of woman.

“Not a gay bone in my body”

Shortly after I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he proclaimed to me, “There’s not a gay bone in my body.” I had no reason to doubt him. But when I left him after two-and-a-half years, I learned a lot about his sexual activities:

  • He had sex with at least six other women during our relationship.
  • He was heavily into Internet porn.
  • He solicited gay male prostitutes.
  • He tried to arrange threesomes and looked for swinging couples.

In short, he wanted sexual thrills. The more different kinds of thrills, the better. I’m lucky I didn’t get a serious disease.

Screw anyone

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.

Dr. Liane Leedom writes that sociopaths only want two things. One of them is power. The other is sex.

So when it comes to sexual orientation, I believe sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. In short, they’ll screw anyone.

Lovefraud has heard from gay individuals—men and women—who were involved in gay relationships with sociopaths. I asked several of them if they thought the sociopath was actually gay. They all agreed with my theory and said the sociopath was not gay.

Sex with an agenda

This does not mean, however, that sociopaths are out of control. On the contrary, to them, sex, and sexual orientation, is just something to be used in order to achieve their objective, whatever that is.

Perhaps the most egregious example of this is the case of James McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey. McGreevey, you may recall, resigned from office after proclaiming in a news conference that he was a “gay American.”

The truth was that his political career was imploding under a series of scandals. As I wrote in a review of the book written by McGreevey’s wife, I believe the former governor played the gay card because it was the best way to spin his political collapse.

Sociopaths use people for sex, and use sex to get what they want. Anybody who suits their agenda will do.

If it suits their agenda to be married with children, then that’s what they’ll do. But if sociopaths indulge in same-sex relationships, in my opinion, it’s because they’re sociopaths, not gay.

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171 Comments on "Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay"

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Hi ZiZi,
There is a big difference in being dysfunctional and being a physcological threat to some one. I agree with you that there are alot of socio’s and physco’s in the gay community. I am just saying there is alot of dysfunction in the gay culture that make us prey to predator’s, user’s and abuser’s.
And the men that I have been involved with that were ( in my opinion ) sociopaths were ( come to find out ) bi-sexual or more to the point ( opportunist)

Awh thanks and hugz to ya ~!

Why do these SP marry anyway??? My two friends and I were married to these guys, is it some kind of epidemic?

Mine had issue right after marriage, I was surprised that this man is single for many years, he will jump if he finds a woman, but he told me, he is out of practice, then nothing changed, I was hitting my head on the wall thinking there must be something wrong with me. SP was a lot like woman, which was not appreant before marriage, but after when he was relaxed, he would through his hands like woman, would get irritated like woman. There were too many surprises, but biggest one was he was m*bing himself and was pretty happy with it, truly didn;t know what to do with a woman.

So all the drama before marriage was just a stage.

Another freind is going through same thing, she caught her man with porno on the computer and holding numbers of women, and shows no interest to her. It was very shocking.

I truly wonder, why sps want to get married, they don’t want sex don’t want to share fianancially, then why do they bother and run. We women do trust, but now I feel sick to my stomoch, if people talk about love and commitment.

they only want marriage because it’s part of a mask. The one thing they value is their mask.

Yeah, it is some kind of epidemic.

I realize that there are both male and female spaths BUT there is a certain kind of male spath that is rampant. It is the misogynist (woman hater). These are what is commonly known as a secondary spath. It doesn’t hate men, only women.

I’ve run into a few websites where they post. It’s amazing how fucked up their heads are. They are even worse than primary spaths in their cog/diss.

I was researching Sandusky and found a blog with some commentary. They were blaming women!! lol! unbelievable.

They said that the feminazis were going to turn this fiasco against ALL men. They were so concerned that men were going to get a bum rap for Sandusky’s boy raping. They said that if Sandusky had been raping, or even just insulting women, he would have been prosecuted immediately, but because the victims were BOYS, nothing was done. Boys are expendable scapegoats, they said.


Yeah, these are special types of spaths. They hate women and are in love with men, though they aren’t (AFAIK) cognizant of being sexually attracted to men. It’s the loss of the father figure, I guess.

Yes, I know at least one of these types personally.

Hi Hens,

I completely agree with you I also do not think they are gay but rather opportunists. In fact the worst female one I came across was completely asexual. I think there needs to be more awareness in our community and people need to spot the early warnings signs (they are always there but we tend to ignore them). The longer you are in a relationship with a sociopath the more your reality gets altered by them.

To myheart,

They marry because they seek to control you. After marriage they see you as their property, this gives them a big rush. They also often do it for financial reasons or simply to blend in with society better. And often sociopaths especially Narcissists lose interest in sex once the chase is over as they have zero interest in intimacy. They might go with prostitutes or indeed watch porn but they often do not have sex with their partner. This kind of complete rejection of their other half is yet another one of their abuse techniques in fact, as their partners often end up feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Oh my ! Haven’t been here in years and first thing I see is one of my old post .
Yes I thought my xspath was gay, I mean after all I am gay. What a surprise when I caught him banging the old lady next door. I remember asking him when we met if he was bi-sexual and he made a screwed up face and said ” eww I don’t like —- ” as it turns out he used his penis as his staff of power, stroking his ego in anyway he could, manipulating his conquest to get what ever he could, a ride to work, a place to stay etc. That was ten years ago. I still have a problem with the term bi-sexual, I personally see them as opportunist, sitting on the fence waiting on the next option. But that is just my opinion. Im not a big gay activist for the LGBTQ community because of that. I don’t give a rat az who he is screwing as long as he is out of my life.

Thank you for this blog!…Certainly many likely think they have heard everything!…I understand.I am a man,I was victim of a man-EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HAVE A GAY RELATIONSHIP!If anyone would read the letters he has written me in the course of 3yrs.or so,you would conclude we were having a “steaming”hot affair!….Nope.I am actually in ministry.I am 54 yrs.old.I cant believe I was taken in by this.What started as “outreach”,became “friendship”till I was the only person he had,so he said.I certainly had many chances to engage sexually,but that is not on my chart!My thinking always was,and I have a problem now-still is that sincere change on his part is possible,and that would require me-faithful to what I stand for-to “be there”?All of you who are thinking this is recent are correct.When I post the capsule version of the story,you’ll see more….any thoughts on mt :spiritual”position?BTW,He is a sexaholic-is it possible to be that primarily,socipathic secondarily?

I thought you commented on my post last night and wanted to ask you a question, but I don’t see the post now. Did I hallucinate? It got late last night, so I thought I’d wait until today.

Hi Renea72, I was the one that posted last night to you. (two post with info for you). 😊

Well, I thought there was also a comment from a man who stated he was gay I thought I had read, but it’s no longer here. I wanted to ask them a question. Maybe they deleted their comment?

I would love anyone’s opinion on this. So, I’m working through a divorce from a sociopath. Looking back, I now see all the sociopathic tendencies except promiscuous behavior, He was never that interested in women…well, at first, then we got married and it came to a screeching halt. It’s like it was an obligation & literally lasted 2 min. if he wasn’t pretending to be asleep , etc. I might add we got married in my early twenties and I worked at Victoria’s Secret at the time. (It’s not like I was an unattractive cow or something lol.) But, now I realize women don’t turn him on the way other men are turned on by women. So I wonder a few things now. One, he was extremely homophobic while we were married, but then I heard he moved away and had gay friends in the town he lived in…I found this very odd. I started wondering if maybe his promiscuity was geared towards men and I never caught on. That, or is it possible he is asexual? We have been divorced awhile, and a few women he has dated have expressed the same issues. He does what he has to to get them, and then it stops. I just really want to wrap my head around this. He is a pathological liar. Lies more than can tell the truth. He is on his third marriage and it is struggling for the same reasons. Anyway, I’m just the type that likes to square things away in my head. I may never know for certain, but am curious anyone else’s experiences or input. How is it possible someone who lies so much could be faithful for 12 years or so it seemed? I was either naive or he is asexual.

Hi Renea72, not sure about the whole gay side of a sociopath but I will provide my experience with my ex h, a sociopath.

It is very common for the sociopath to literally change the honeymoon night…not just with sex but with everything…their mask slips…they now have the victim “stuck” in the marriage so they feel they can get away with anything, they know that victim by then will do anything to make the marriage work, mean while they do everything to tear it apart for fun.

I can tell you at our wedding, after the ceremony everything changed! I believe he even cheated on me with a girl that came to the wedding (looking back I think they were having an affair before we got married but I have zero proof).

The first time we has sex he too lasted only 30 seconds…I just laid there like what the hell just happened. He told me that he was just “excited” & it “would be better next time” and that was it for the next 5 years, the same. I think I finally gave up on sex. Mean while I had my suspicions he was cheating left and right even before we got married. But he would tell me he “loved me” and do at times nice things so it was very confusing behavior. And on top of that all the gas lighting, brain washing etc I could not see the truth even when his actions were demonstrating the truth.

Once I pretty much gave up on a meaningful sex life that is when he wanted to have sex and that is when he lasted a normal length of time. All games by them!!! Pushing buttons!!

There was one time my ex meet a guy and said we were going to his house for dinner. When we went this guy was with his gay partner. I was very confused. They were nice but there was obviously something going on between my h and this guy because even his partner was confused at the dinner table. Like my ex & this guy were in on something and we (his partner & I) were trying to figure out what the hell was happening.

On the way home I asked him how did he meet this guy and he said at the “phone booth”….I was like WTH!! I continued to question him & he continued to just play games. To this day I do believe that something happened with them. Because as quickly as this guy came into my ex’s life he was pushed out or at least that was the last time we saw them. Said they moved to “Mexico” which they did talk about during the dinner.

Do I think my ex could have had sex with guys & girls. YEP! Now at least. Not when I met him. He has to much testosterone & always looked at woman when we went out after we married. (makes me sick to my stomach that he put me in such harms way).

When I left my ex. I found a counselor who told me the first day he was a sociopath! Another session I told her that I thought he had slept with at least 8-12 women during our marriage. Just a gut feeling. She said it was more likely that it was”3 or 4 times that number as that is what sociopaths do, they are predators always seeking out sex”..

I have read that sociopath really dont care who gives them sex…they see people as object like a car or boat. They just want sex. Not even sure they really like the sex part either!?!?

Your gut is never wrong! So if your gut is telling that he was having affairs with men. then most likely he was.

Do you really believe he was “faithful of 12 years”????

Not saying he wasn’t but from everything I have read they are serial cheaters. My counselor even alerted this to me. They are also sex addicts. And this is a prime reason why sex addicts can not change. They are wired differently.

I have read that 70-90% of sex addicts are sociopath or psychopath!!

In the book Women who love psychopaths, the author states that many woman become sex addicts only because the sociopath caused them to be with their demand for sex often & their brain washing of the victim to think about sex with them every second of the day either with tex messages etc (btw my counselor gave me that book to read it explained a lot I recommend people read this book as she interviewed 75 victims and then wrote the book using some stories).

All sociopaths are “pathological liars!!! This is a RED flag when you meet someone that lies endlessly. My ex if caught in a lie would come up with a new lie and then another lie. Just on a spire of the moment. Amazing how they minds can come up with a lie so quickly.

Glad you got away from him. I too was married for 12 hellish years & a nightmare of a divorce. But extremely thankful that I finally crawled out of hell and freed myself.

You state: “I was either naive” …no you were a normal person!! Kindhearted with empathy & compassion. He was not.

The book Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is excellent to remind us to always listen to our gut alarm.

If you google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” you will find their interviews. One thing that stands out in an update video from Oprah (she is wearing an orange sweater) is her stating All too often women dont want to be rude…I think this is one of the biggest things that victims do..we dont call out the bad behavior….we dont say to them “your lying” we some how try to find compasion and understand why they are doing this behavior…ie my ex’s parents divorced when he was a kid…may this had an impact on him etc. We try to rationalize their behavior…ie he told me that he was just “excited” it will get better…all lies!!! All games to them…the love to have power & control over everyone!!

My ex had power over me….yours too.

Just my experience, hope it helped somewhat.

take care.

renea72, if you look at the site it might have a better answer to your question.

Thank you!

Wow, I can’t believe how similar our experiences were. We have been divorced almost ten years, but just the past year I’ve realized he is a sociopath. I knew he had a personality disorder, but never nailed it down. We have 2 kids together, teenagers now. So, I’ve had to deal with him some. I wish I would’ve known years ago, so I wouldn’t have reacted to anything he did. He always uses the kids to get to me, or used to. I’m much better now. Zero reaction. Thank you for the resources. It’s hard to sort through your thoughts or find someone to talk to because not many have dealt with it or want to hear about it. I have moved on, but my ex will do things that trigger memories or things I haven’t resolved…& I get really introspective I guess. I’ll never get any resolution from him. I don’t know about him being faithful. He is very anti-social. No adult friends, or if so, they don’t last long because he uses them for money, etc. like you said, in hindsight I can see some possible flags, but I would say he had low testosterone. He always said he wanted to be married so girls would leave him alone. Of course, maybe that’s me not getting how bad it really was (& the rest was bad lol). He didn’t have the player mode, it was the victim…very good looking, bad childhood, feel sorry for me type. His parents divorced, too. & he had “abandonment issues” He’s currently using that excuse with his counselor & 3rd wife. One of our counselors gave him a book about that, lol. He’s been married twice since me. Very quick courtship, the new wife will think I’m nuts & he’s gorgeous & then within 2 yrs. they’re gone. He’s working on his next divorce now. Anyway, it was always like he wanted a mom…does that make sense? I never saw a lust for women at all. If we were at church or whatever, he would migrate to the kids’ table rather than deal with adults. Was always frustrating. He did accuse me of cheating, though, when we divorced…& given their tendency for projecting whatever they’re doing onto others, that also stands out now. Wow…just every time I think about things, I realize how much more was probably going on. All the sociopath stuff fits, I just can’t fit the promiscuity in…like when & how he would’ve pulled it off. Except near the end. There was a guy calling his work phone. He would complain about customers getting his work number…it was the now ex of a friend. They ended up divorcing because he is gay…he also remarried to another a woman, which is weird. Anyway, it all still blows my mind. I look forward to reading through the info you mentioned. Thanks!

Hi renea72, it’s possible that he has health issues that limited is sex ability. You state that he had “low testosterone”. I’m guessing that you both were around 30 (?) when you married?? If so that would be an age that most men would not have issues…but as they get older testosterone does decrease.

Glad you realize now that he is a sociopath! This is a huge awakening!! To have an answer to all the chaos & mayhem is great. There is a Facebook page called “One moms battle” that deals with court issues & child custody issue but also it’s a great site to just ask question about dealing with a sociopath & children.

If you go to the top of Lovefraud & do a search on One moms battle & Tina Swiften (cite creator) you can read up on her & her site. She also wrote several books. They also have a website which might help you sort thru things about your divorce.

That is the key when you learn that he is a sociopath = DONT REACT to their behavior what so ever. Just laugh to your self that you know exactly who he is now.

Sad that he keeps sucking in victims but thankfully they keep escaping. I think maybe in your ex case he uses sex just to hook the vicim then once married he doesnt feel the need to have sex with them. It’s just part of his lovebombing stage (google) then once married he drops his mask and then the devalue starts (maybe??).

Just to let you know that sociopaths often have a “madonna & whore complex”. They put the wive in the “madonna” category…more like a mother and then they have there sex with their “whore” (cheating). NOT that their mistress are whores. But this is who they view them as. Like the wife their mistresses are just victims too. My ex knew not to ask for “kinky” sex but I learned that he did things with his mistress, Im sure he pressured them to do the things with him.

So google “ sociopath Madona & whore complex”. Read up on that.

For my marriage this was true. Like you I was the provider, The adult concerned about taking care of the home, bills, just everyday normal stuff while he did not worry about any of this…he (they) have a childish mindset just to play & have fun and take advantage of people which is fun to them.

As sociopaths get older they cant con people as easily. When there young, it’s easy because most people are not aware of these con artist. But as people get older they have been around the block and listen to their gut more. So him not having any friends seems to happen to sociopaths with age.

My ex had “friends” but never any close bonds…it was all party fun type friendships. Always alcohol & “great laughs”. I think that is the only way he can keep people around = get them drunk so they let their guards down.

You state:” He’s currently using that excuse with his counselor & 3rd wife. One of our counselors gave him a book about that”….

NEVER ever go to marriage counseling with a sociopath…they can manipulate the counselors into believing their spouse is the one with issues, then when they get home the use the counselors tactics on the spouse to control the spouse. I have read many many articles stating this!! Love fraud has written about this too.

We went to counseling I told the counselors the very first day that he was a master manipulator that he was going to manipulate her…she said “that will never happen”…guess what it happened!!. On the way home from the first counseling session he told me “not to trust her” over and over…brain washed me. We only went to her a few times. He know how to manipulate me from learning the truth too.

My ex h did the same…telling me that he thought I was “cheating” yep..Projection and “sociopath blame shifting” (google) etc. We had discussions where I would say that I would never cheat…he knew that…he was just screwing with me for fun & at the counseling session.

My ex to could not be alone…EVER. Not even for lunch at home. He always had to call friend over to the house. He cheated with a coworker…2 year affair. Would tell me when another coworker of his said she thought he was cheating…”When would I have time for an affair”…well at work..thats where. He traveled with coworkers each week. So they will find a way. He had me at home…her at work…and others in between & when traveling strip clubs. Porn sites in-between. They find a way.

You state “he would migrate to the kids’ table”…maybe because he could not con adults but he could have power & control over kids minds??? That is what all sociopaths want = power & control.

RED FLAG…you state: “There was a guy calling his work phone. He would complain about customers getting his work number”it was the now ex of a friend. They ended up divorcing because he is gay—

some things you might never get the answer to…but you have to listen to your gut..and your memory is bring this up…it was imbed in your mind because you felt it was not a realistic story he was telling you at the time. This is what sociopaths are able to do…come up with something plausible reason that makes some what of sense…but not all sense. Any thing to get you to turn away from what is really going on.

With him, you might never get the answers. If you can talk to his other ex wives and you might be able to piece things together with them…that is if you want to know.

YES!! So crazy & mind blowing…who knew that this world was so crazy..and evil darkness was so deep. IF people only knew!

If you want to look for more answers with others on a chat Facebook pages. Look at

1) Psychoath Free (I think they have about 400.000 victims of sociopath chatting there)

2) After narcissistic abuse (100,000 victims of sociopaths on there)

you can look at both of these Facebook pages without having a Facebook page. But if you want to chat, I would recommend that you open a fake Facebook page with a fake email account that way you can chat without your friends or your ex seeing what you are chatting about. Ask your question on those too if you want. They are both very compassionate sites with great support & insight.

Take care.

Hi renea72, I just remember this. In the movie The wolf of Wall Street, which is about a sociopath (maybe psychopath) that creates chaos on Wall Street by running a scam hedge fund (or something to that effect). During one scene he cheats on his wife with a woman and has sex with her at her place (I think the first night they met) and he only lasted like a minute. So there is something to this with sociopath.

Donna Anderson here at love fraud posted a post about some victims say the sex was the “best” with the sociopath…for me (& sounds like you) it was not.

But in the movie after the 1 minute long sex scene (lol) the sociopath character (Leonardo Dicaprio) was completely content with how long he lasted…it was ALL about him…only when she protested did he focus on her needs in bed.

If you decide to watch the movie be careful because you might be triggers. It was on TV and I could not watch the whole movie because it was nothing but hyperactive mayhem from the sociopath in every scene and how he conned everyone just like my ex. But you might be able to find the sex scene on you tube (??) if you are interested in just seeing if it relates to you ex. There is no nudity but it does give a glimpse into their “me, me, me” only thinking.

Hi. I’m a sociopath.
I’d just like to say that I do not have all that much of a sexual drive, probably less than a neurotypical man’s.


Thanks for the input. That is good to know. Every article I read seems to say promiscuity is a big part of it, but like you, he didn’t seem to have much of a sex drive. I was wondering if he just was able to hide it that well or if it was possible to just not have that trait. Looking back, it’s like grasping at straws…it wasn’t women, was it men, teenagers? (He had a very suspicious relationship with a friend of his stepdaughter’several years ago.) Her whole family freaked out about… my ex invited them over for BBQ and smoothed it over. Then, he dated her older sister and the sister really got suspicious and would email me and eventually ended things. Anyway, again, still no idea. No one could ever prove anything. There just really seems to be no preference or maybe I should say a different preference depending on who and where he is, which is very confusing.

I think it’s funny and rather serendipitous that there is a Trump video ad on this page. Just sayin’

Okay, so my ex’s current wife and I talked. They are both in intensive counseling and she was talking to me about his lying. She asked if I ever noticed anything else, so I brought up the “gay thing” and she mentioned he was on testosterone injections for quite awhile, and his testosterone continued to fall. I thought she dropped it there, but she contacted me a few days later and said she contacted the guy who supposedly stayed with him a few times when he lived out of state. The man was gay and told her to talk to her husband about whether or not he had stayed with Jason. She explained he wasn’t honest with her, so she was asking him. (The ex stated he never slept over.) He then asked to speak to my ex. She got my ex and put the call on speaker phone. The man stated he had stayed with my ex, but they did not have a sexual relationship, but said they would have parties at my ex’s house and on one occasion he jumped into bed with my ex, but my ex turned him down. So, this explanation was good enough for her, but I think she is missing the context of the situation. I’ve ran the whole thing by a few people, and they all think the guy was covering for my ex and that no straight guy would get himself into that situation. Oh, and when she confronted my ex about the relationship with this guy, before she dug deeper, my ex punched his car and bloodied his knuckles. So, I’m curious what everyone thinks about this. Why didn’t the guy just deny it from the beginning? Why did he want to talk to my ex first and avoid answering her at first? Just seems weird. & if not true, why would my ex punch his car (drama queen, lol). 🙄

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