Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
For some reason, water does it for me. A pool, a lake, the ocean, and sitting in a bathtub. It puts me in a meditative state and helps me let go. I can’t believe the things I tell myself about myself – how screwed up I am, how I’ll never get better, how I’ll never find anyone to love me…..wow. I really need to deprogram myself.
How are you doing, H to H?
Star ~ I know what you mean about the calm of water. I used to go to the beach late at night all by myself, just to think. Listening to the waves rolling in was so relaxing to me. Of course I had my favorite weapon of choice along for protection. Just in case I wasn’t as alone as I thought. I used to live very close to one of the Great Lakes… just like an inland ocean. LOVED it.
I’m doing much better this evening. I woke up with a migraine headache this morning. Too much thinking about stepson’s egg donor.
Here’s a start to your deprograming. Repeat after me: “I am a wonderful, lovable, person.” “I am healing.” “I am getting better each and every day.”
Just remember, you have to take care of you… then you will find someone special to be in your life. I believe that with all my heart. (((hugs)))
Thank you, H to H. Your mantra was like an arrow that went straight to my heart. I think another one should be: I’m not as screwed up as I think I am. It’s so hard to outgrow those old unhealthy beliefs sometimes.
H to H,
There is a place in Hawaii on Maui called “Hanna V”. Even the locals do not know about it. My old massage teacher took a few of us on an unmarked trek through the jungle and up the mouth of a river to this immense waterfall. There were five of us. We each found our own spot and meditated there. I don’t know if it was the negative ionization of the waterfall, but the place was incredibly powerful and shifted all of our energy. We all walked back in silence in an altered state. It lasted a few days for me. I consider that a “power place”. My teacher used to live on that island and he made pilgrimages there several times a year.
Star ~ it is true. You are NOT as screwed up as you think you are. I have to remind myself of that very same thing sometimes. It is very hard to outgrow them, when they’ve been drilled into a person for years and years. BUT, we can do it!
Hanna V sounds like a very mystical place. Is it, by chance, somewhere along the Road to Hanna?
Waterfalls are one of my favorite things. I find the sound that they make very soothing. So much so that we will be building a small waterfall in our yard with a small pond for the birds.
Yes, as a matter of fact it is somewhere off the road to Hanna (sp). But I couldn’t tell you where it is. It is unmarked, and the trail to the river’s mouth is unmarked. I love waterfalls, too. There is something mystical about them.
HI Star and Hope,
thanks for the advice. I have to keep my mind 24/7 in only one mode, that he is a fake, a sham, worthless in a relationship.
why is it that knowing that he is so bad and a fake, I still want him and miss him. I think i have asked this several times before.
I am grieving the dream and want to hold onto the dream, not processing adequately well, that the guy of my dreams is a fake and hence I should not be longing for the dream from a guy who cheated 6 or more times on his wife, gave a STD to his wife ( was curable, if not he would have lost his job as a surgeon, but his brain did not process that for him when he jumped in bed with the woman) and when his wife was away with the kids in her Mom’s house in another country, he brought home a 23 year old for the weekend. He is 18 years older than that student girl.
when he told me this – I was in a shock and I asked him how could you bring her to the family home, that is so bad, he said – I guess, I wanted to save money on a hotel.
So, my friends, you stay in USA where my jerk also lives, I think this was disgusting on all grounds. why after all this – I think I can excuse it all and make him give me my dream.
Star and Hope – I can do it and I will do it, I will be strong, and come off this merry go round.
petite.
It’s OK. It will probably be quite sometime before we will get back to Maui. I have a t-shirt “I survived the Road to Hanna” that’s the way they spelled it. We were on Maui for a week almost 3 years ago. Truly a beautiful place.
Thanks for the information on Reiki. A friend of mine took Thai Chi (sp). and in that class she learned about the powerful heat that can be generated from your palms.
She had me sit on the floor with legs crossed, elbows on knees, palms facing each other about 1 foot apart. She told me to just focus on my hands. After about a minute, my hands felt as if they had been submerged in very warm water. They felt HOT. Not sure if it’s related to the energy of Reiki, but it was amazing!
Of course you can do it, Petite, and it will build your character. Take comfort in knowing that so many of us have also been through it. I was suicidal for a month at least over my spath, and we were only together for a few months. Even many months after going NC, I still secretly wished he’d call. I tried to negotiate with my memories that maybe deep down he really loved me. This is called the bargaining phase. It will eventually pass if you just ride it out. Just think, this is why people go back to their abusers over and over again. Because they cannot tolerate the grief. But the grief is a necessary part of recovery.
Hi Star,
I feel the same way, not suicidal enough, but very down and very lost.
I also secretly wish that he will bring back my dreams and come and tell me how much I meant to him – yes, big time bargaining.
OK, grief is part of the recovery, so I must endure.
thanks
petite
Petite ~ You go girl! One step at a time. It will get easier. You will have ups and downs… but you know it will get better, the farther you are away from the illusion that is this man. Hang in there!!!