Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Hope,
I don’t really understand about energy work and whether it’s all the same energy – ki, chi, etc., I think it is all the same, just different names. The thing that is so great about Reiki is that the person giving Reiki gets Reiki too. The more you give the more you get. So it is healing to give Reiki. There is an endless supply of it. It never gets depleted, and the person giving never gets depleted. There’s a good reason to go get an initation. Then it is available to you whenever you need it. I pretty much forgot about it for 10 years. I’m amazed that when I need it, it’s still there.
Well, petite, you know he won’t come back and give you what you want. And even if he seems to, he will unmask at some point. I remember the acute grief very well. I’d be driving home from work and a love song would come on the radio (or any song for that matter). And I’d sob. Every night I’d think about him and sob. I missed him so much – someone I’d only known a few months and really only saw maybe 6 or 8 times total! The pain would be so great, I’d feel like it would break me in half. And yet here I am. 3 years later. I could care less about the spath. Nothing triggers me about him any more. It took nearly a year to get over him. When I finally erased all of his voicemails, I knew I was done.
If he could give you what you want, you wouldn’t be in this position right now. Think about it. All promises. No delivery. Ever.
Hi Star and Hope,
yes, will try to get strong,
one thing that is biting into me though is that when I spoke to him on the phone last week for some work, this was an unexpected phone call, I wept and told him how much I missed him and how much he meant to me.
He did not say much, other than “my mind is blank when you cry” and he said “we did have problems about the long distance and you had decided that it was not workable”.
I think he must be riding so high now that he has a new lovebomb and I am here weeping my heart out missing him. It must be making him feel so great that I am so heart broken for him and longing for him.
I feel so sick, how do I handle this feeling.
petite
Petite ~ the only suggestion I can give you is try and keep yourself busy. Keep you mind involved in other things. Try to take your focus off of him and what he may or may not be doing. Not suggesting that it’s easy. But it is well worth the effort it takes to get the spath out of your life.
Petite,
Don’t throw pearls to swine. The pearls would be your feelings. The swine would be…the spath. You handle this as you would handle any break-up. You move on with your life. You cannot talk to him any more. You will not be able to keep him in your life in any capacity. And some day you will see that it is for the best. For someone to have hurt you so cruelly, is this someone you would want in your life?
You know I almost caved and sent out a newsletter to all my friends about my upcoming trip to Costa Rica. I was doing it for the benefit of the neighbor boy who so coldly discarded me. I wanted him to see what I was up to. I typed up this lengthy email and put almost every acquaintance I’d ever known up in the “to” bar. Then I caught myself. I realized I was doing it for the neighbor’s benefit. I was still trying to “show” him how cool I am since he left. Then I snapped out of it. I realized that he is not worthy of my time or hearing about my life. I deleted the entire email. I don’t need to waste any more time on jerks. Neither do you. Stay strong, chica. When I went NC, I didn’t have LF. I was on my own. If I did it, anyone can.
Dear Nightgal,
You must NOT LISTEN to the lies, they want something from you.
Do you really– I mean REALLY– want a man who will sell drugs and have group sex?
Telling you that she sleeps in the truck??? Commmmmmme on! That lie doesn’t even sound good enough for a 5 year old.
QUIT LISTENING to him or them. If they put food outside your door, throw it in the trash or leave it sit there a day or two and THEN throw it in the trash.
DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM….call the cops and tell them the drug dealers next door are harassing you. If there are children there call the child protective services…..you don’t even have to give them your name. Children should not have to live in this situation with drugs.
((((((((((((((( Petitie )))))))))))))))))))
I can’t say much more than everyone else here has said…..and that I keep sharing with you…
I really think that phone call was a BIG BIG trigger for you….
I think the most monumental barrier to your getting over or past all of the obsessing is NOT believing that he’s NOT got the ability to change. That he’s PATHOLOGICAL IE: Pathologicals DO NOT CHANGE. If he didn’t change for his wife, and he didn’t change for you, he’s not going to change for anyone else either. PAST BEHAVIOR IS THE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR when it comes to a PATHOLOGICAL person.
YOu believe it when someone has cancer, right? You believe it when someone has schizophrenia right? Some of those are curable, others are not, but a PERSONALITY DISORDER IS AS REAL AND TRUE AS CANCER BUT IT CANNOT BE CURED!! Just because you can’t “see” it, or it’s not diagnosed, DOES NOT mean it’s not REAL.
Petitie, I’m very concerned about this for you. If you need to, spend more time reading the articles here, or google pychopaths, read more books….once you COMPLETELY get that he’s PATHOLOGICAL, it will still hurt, but not as much.
He cannot be cured, he cannot and WILL NEVER be able to love anyone. When I think about my ex with his new gf, I switch my thinking. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, but I ask myself those questions I outlined for you earlier….”Soooo you want to marry a psychopath?”……”Sooooo you want to be intimate with a psychopath?”…….”Sooo you want to be seen with a psychopath in public when all your friends know he’s a douche bag?”…..”Sooooo you want to be put down, have your words twisted, be called names, live with a liar, cheater?'”
I understand your ruminating, Petitie, but you have to find a way to STOP and PLEASE remember NC NC NC NC…don’t EVER again say something to him about missing him. It puts the seed in his head about how to TORTURE YOU FURTHER. Remember, that each time he speaks with you, IT”S TO HURT YOU, not because he misses you or that he cares at all. Think about what happened in your relationship and all the rotten things he did and said. Write them out as much as you can, then look at it and ask yourself, is this the kind of mine that I WANT in my life or do I deserve BETTER?! You do petitie.
But you have to do the work. We can advise you until the cows come home, but you MUST do the work yourself. Please know that as time passes and you are COMPLETELY NC, this too shall pass, but your work will involve reading, writing….do what you need to do, Petitie.
LL
Dear Petite,
I hear your continued anguish for a man who was a long distance relationship. And yes, he’s narcissistic. But I’m thinking maybe there’s more to it than just getting over longing?
You mentioned recent health issues. Makes me wonder if some part if physical. Do you monitor your hormone levels? Also your circular thinking sounds possible for depression and anxiety (the circular thinking part).
You keep going back to him being the perfect man for you. But this only works logically if you define perfect as the type of man who cheats on his wife and gives her an std, makes all kinds of promises, is long distance (which avoids ability to develop true intimacy) and bullies when caught being deceitful.
You chose a man who was physically and emotionally unavailable and then pine for what was never going to be available? So I am asking you to ponder in your heart, was your TRUE goal a relationship or was it to prove to Petite that relationship was impossible?
Depending on your answer will point the way to your conclusion. Since your stated goal was to have a relationship, pursuing that goal with a person who lives near you (is Physically available) at least gives you the chance to explore his CHARACTER to see if he is emotionally available.
That’s my nutshell dear Petite.
1) Check to see if there is a biological reason for your depression, i.e. hormones or may just need an anti anxiety med and
2) Pursue finding an AUTHENTIC relationship. B/c a real relationship will end the pining for a dysfunctional one. And Petite, focus on finding a man with good character, those type are NOT seductive. They can be romantic but seduction is the same as manipulation. That’s a deal breaker.
Best,
Katy
Thanks Katy and LL,
Katy – my true goal was a relationship. If we worked out, we would have thought about who would move to who’s country.
My health is good.
I simply have to stop the ruminating.
LL<
thanks. Yes, I brood a lot and this is what keeps going back and forth in my brain. I am trying, I want to come out of it ASAP.
Stargazer,
you said he was cruel to me. which part of my post made you think he was cruel, I would be interested to know as I think I am still wearing rose coloured glasses in looking at him.
thnaks
petite
Dear Petite,
The reason I feel you are in denial is b/c you avoid a reality: simply that long distance relationships are not able to develop into emotionally healthy ones. They don’t b/c even relationships that are forged with time together and then later b/c long distant are VERY likely to dissolve. It’s not b/c of people they fail, it’s b/c distance makes true intimacy – vital to developing healthy connections – impossible.
If a relationship is your goal, ya gotta start with what’s possible. And this kind of ruminating? It’s called circular thinking, which will not go away with time. You need to actively eliminate it with a plan that fits your personality.
LL is right about going completely NC. Any communication with this man just rips the scab off your injury. Don’t do that to yourself.
Blessings,
Katy