Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Dear sweet Katy,
I understand what you are saying about the long distance relationships.
when I told him about the limitations at first, he said we could meet during conferences etc every 2-3 months, I did say that is not real life, but he insisted that travelling together is a very good way of getting to know a person.
I did not agree with him and did not argue it also, just left it.
I am planning to make the ruminating go away, I am finally home now after my trip to Sydney and Hong Kong for work.
the complete NC is first step and I am very tired with this obsession and rumination.
I will get strong and fight it out of my system.
thanks so much Katy,
petite
Candy ~ I agree that reading his texts can play havoc on my mental state. But at this time, I feel that by getting his texts and saving them, I can use them in court. He will, eventually, text something he will regret, while intoxicated of course.
The best part about getting his “lovebomb” texts now is……I don’t feel empathy, compassion, love. I read and laugh. I know his MO. Once the lawsuit is over, win or lose, I will then block his number from my phone. He thinks in his own pathetic way that I am the same person as I have been for 7 years…submissive and will run to his side. What he doesn’t know is I found LF which exposed him for what he really is.
I am mentally stronger now and getting emotionally stronger every day. What I mean by that is I feel no emotional attachment to him with loving thoughts. Once I block his number and go complete NC, then I will no longer have emotional anger. He will be but a blip on my radar from the past.
Hi schnoodle,
thanks for the articles. very very helpful.
fighting hard for the rumination to end. Feel much better today than 2 days ago, so at least there is some progress.
thanks
petite
Petite,
One thing that helped me with the intrusive bad thoughts was to replace them. So I imagined all my happy dreams of my future or memories of past joys. And I picked out specific memories that filled me with feelings of wonderful contentment or happiness.
When thoughts of my soon to be ex husbnad and some other woman intruded and hurt me, I replaced that thought with focusing on a specific memory that I chose, i.e. musing about past warm sunny days having a picnic with my daughter and what her face looked like and how eager she’d be about a bug. I know you don’t have a daughter, but the idea is not just to replace the thought, but to replace it with an emotionally happy memory, and not with any guy b/c even that’s too hurtful right now.
NO more picking the scab of your wound! (That’s what ruminating is doing to you.)
Dear schnoodle, if you are not triggered by the texts or e mails and can get evidence from them, go for it! Yes, they will trip themselves up and usually sooner rather than later.
I hope you can get him to pay up!
Petite – You have been having a busy time. I agree that having the contact with him has messed with your head.
Your gut feeling kicked in when ‘he said we could meet during conferences etc every 2-3 months’ You KNEW it was not right but dismissed it. You would have ended up his backburner girlfriend to be ‘used’ when it suited him.
I would like to share something with you. When I was 13 I had a crush on a boy, I would have done ANYTHING to be with him but my mother forbid our relationship (he was 17) I thought life wasn’t worth living and that I would die. Of course I didn’t. I cried for 3 days solid!
I suppose what I am trying to say is that …..time is a healer and you have your life ahead of you.
Glad you are going NC – it’s the only way. Good luck:)
Petitie,
Katy said, “any communication with this man just rips the scab off the injury. DON”T DO THAT TO YOURSELF (My italicized emphasis).
Katy makes a very good point here, Petitie. Part of what you’re doing is self sabotage. I have a feeling that now you’ll begin to think that maybe if the relationshit were not long distance, things would have worked out. STOP IT NOW. Don’t EVEN go there….
What is so SO important to remember is 1. NOTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE WHO HE INNATELY IS/WAS: PATHOLOGICAL and 2. WHEN YOU BREAK NC AND PUT HIM ON NOTICE THAT YOU”RE “MISSING HIM”, YOU”RE INVITING HIM TO CONTINUE TO PLAY WITH YOUR HEAD!!!
And so the ruminating continues. Tell me Petite, WHAT IN THE HELL DOES A LYING, CHEATING, STD GIVING, SERIAL CHEATER HAVE TO OFFER YOU?”
That’s what I thought.
Petite, with as intelligent, successful, kind, caring and giving as you are, WHAT KEEPS YOU STUCK IN THIS CYCLE of believing he could be ANYTHING MORE than just what he is: WHICH IS TOXIC?
1. HE WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER CHANGE FOR ANYONE. AGAIN, PETITE, IF HE DIDN”T CHANGE FOR HER< FOR YOU, HE IS NOT GOING TO DO SO WITH ANYONE ELSE!!
2. HE IS PATHOLOGICAL!! This is a PERVASIVE, PERMANENT, PERSONALITY DISORDER. THEY CANNOT FLIP IT ON AND OFF AT WILL.
3. IF YOU HAD STAYED YOU WOULD BE TEN TIMES MORE MISERABLE THAN YOU ARE NOW! THAT IS A GUARANTEE PETITE: MISERY!!!!!!!!
You've GOT to pull yourself out of this. You are self sabotaging. WHY????? With all you've got going for you, WHY???
Read more, Petitie. And look at all this obsessing and focus on him, his words, his action, blah blah, as a LESSON YOU"VE LEARNED!!
NO CONTACT MUST STAY IN PLACE, ALL ACROSS YOUR LIFE BOARD!!!!
THIS is a PERFECT example of what happens when you break that NC, Petite. BLock his emails, do NOT answer his calls, DO NOT call him, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!!! This will only keep you swimming in his BS!!!
Now, forgive yourself for this set back, get up on your feet and continue to KEEP MOVING! Go have some fun with friends, write a medical textbook ANYTHING that keeps you from thinking about HIM HIM HIM!
LL
Ox ~ Thanks. That is what I am hoping for. What is driving him up the wall is that I am NOT responding. Not to his singing pathetic love songs to me or his texts saying he loves me. It’s all a line of shit and I know that. I know that he will eventually send a text that will be an “OH SHIT” moment for him in court. So I wait patiently.
Petite ~ I remember when I was 9 years old and my Grandmother died. I was devastated. She was my world. I cried everytime I heard the song “Feelings…whoa whoa whoa feelings”. (Sappy song I know), but it triggered such emotion in me. It took a very long time not to cry every time I heard that song, but eventually I healed with time and new experiences. Slowly, the pain of her being gone went away and I discovered new experiences and new love, and new friends and new….whatevers. What I am saying is it takes time.
At first, I was devastated from the Spath. Hurt beyond words. I would remember all the good times and cry for hours. Thought about how he is with the ex-wife and having a great life, yada yada yada. For me, what helped getting over my attachment to Spath, was to remember all the shitty times, the hurts, the tears, the emotional torture, etc. That does help to heal. Do not remember the good times, they were just a fantasy life.
And read, read, read. It really does help verify everything you are going through and feeling IS normal and you are NOT alone in this. We all have been there in some form or fashion.
Petite,
I really do think what will help you and what is REALLY helping me, is to write down the things that he did that were MEAN, hurtful, along with all the lies. Then write down what the good times were. I think you’ll find that the lies, hurt, blame, put downs, etc, will FAR OUTWEIGH the fantasy of him that you have. What was the REALITY of it all? This will pass, but each time NC is broken it puts you back to square one, and starting all over again.
Another thing that has been SO helpful to me is to read everything i can get my hands on about pathological people. I’ve done internet researches, done TONS of reading….while reading about everyone’s experiences here as well as other sites and articles, researches done on psychopathy, etc, it is SO CLEAR that trying to wrap one’s brain around how totally evil, and WITHOUT CONSCIENCE these people are, eventually sinks in. You will start connecting the dots of those facts to HIS behaviors. You’re applying NORMAL behaviors to a VERY ABNORMAL person! NORMAL men DO NOT, repeat DO NOT act like this. When I think about that, I think about my NORMAL male friends, who are kind and caring! Who are HORRIFIED at what I went through with my spath, his behaviors.
It’s hard to accept, believe that people like this truly exist, but they DO petite and you just had the great misfortune of having been with one.
You might also want to google “what do healthy relationships look like”.
There is a PLETHORA of information there that will help you understand that what is healthy, is MARKEDLY missing in what you experienced.
Hang in there.
LL
LL ~ I agree with you. Write down all the hurts and painful statements. The many times you cried. True love shouldnt make you cry unless they are joyful tears and JOYFUL does not equal SPATH RELATIONSHIP so the tears are from sadness, hurt, frustration, etc.
When I first ended the relationship with Spath, I yearned beyond words for his tender touch, his infectious laugh, his witty charm, the intensive love making, etc. BUT then I would remember for a brief moment his coldness. His cheating. His lies. The negative intrusive thoughts were only brief and I would then cry because I missed him and the good things about “us”. Dwelled on the “good” way to much.
One day I told myself that everytime I have a “good” thought about the relationship with Spath, I would replace it with a “bad” experience with the Spath and I would dwell on the “bad”. In time, the good memories were but a flash in my mind because I rewired myself to instantly think of all the hurtful things he had done and said. Now I have NO and I mean NO good thoughts about the Spath. I have reconditioned my brain to NOT think of even one good thing about this man.