Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
hi ox
thankyou
i am trying so hard not to get involved ..but him living next door to me is the hardest..and i fell for his green eyes , perfect teath, my name on his neck tatood ( yes..can you beleve that..he said that way i will be with him till he die ) i am so high that some one wants me that much..( or what i have ) but not falling for it ..
he will get some thing on top to hyde it when he realize that i am too dramatized to be in this relationship
i am so confused, one side i am not sure if its real or not…the other side i have this gut feeling that he is playing me..
in the middle, why cant i be with some one that i deserve
or do they even exsist
i am working…what i suppose to today..? have no idea …i am just a robot..i am programed to talk to people with qustions..that is what i am doing..
thankyou for all these help…i just want to go to sleep and never wake up…
love, nighgal
DW,
One of the MOST profound signs from having read Martha Stouts book about sociopaths, which is a guarantee EVERY STINKIN TIME, is the pity ploy. No matter HOW they use it, if it’s being used you can bet your bottom dollar this man is a psycho. He may not be trashing his ex’s at the moment, however, THE PITY PLOY WITH HIS FAKE TEARS OF PLEASE STAY CRAP, is being used to appeal to you.
Also, another thing that sends up red flags, is the hypothetical of keeping your keys…said in a joking manner of course. Uh, NO!!
RUN FOR YOUR EFFIN LIFE!!!!
Take more time.
LL
(((((((((( star )))))))))))))))))
I get it. I really do…..
LL
LL, you are right—that was a “pity play”—I knew it was “odd” or “wrong” but didn’t snap to it was a “pity play”—you ARE RIGHT I THINK!!!
NightGal,
The pain won’t go away until you PUSH IT AWAY–along with him. No one can MAKE YOU HAPPY, no one except YOU.
This man is a LOOOOOOOOSER, so how is he going to make you happy? Tattooing your name on his body is going to make you happy? show you you are loved? respected?
Get real girl, if that is your idea of LOVE, you need to check yourself into the loony bin! That is manipulation! That is DANGER, but it ain’t “love.” (((hugs)))
Ox, Never, LL, thanks.
Paranoia about stbx now.
My daughter got a speeding ticket when she drove up to meet me and this b/f for lunch a month ago. I went away for a long weekend with him, my mom stayed with her, and I offered to meet D half way just to break my long absence. She met me and him, and on way home got a speeding ticket for 77mph/55mph–6 points on license and $300 fine.
Tonight she told her dad about the ticket. He interrogated who/where/when/why and she told him she drove to meet me to this city, and when he asked why there, she said she couldn’t tell him. Duh…he’ll never guess.
Incidentally, earlier today he emailed me that he was in front of a dentist’s wehre I used to work and he was crying. This made me bawl my eyes out, as memories flooded. Now he finds out that I am seeing someone, and I fear he’ll be more vindictive, angry, and punishing as he’ll feel more injured.
There is nothing I can do about this. My mistake for introducing b/f to my kid too soon. I had been so patient and calm every step of divorce, and in control, not somehow I feel his knowledge of my private goings he can use against me.
What can I do? Am I right to be concerned?
Dancing warrior,
Yea, probably….I know it is tempting to want a “normal” relationship when you have had such a horrible one….however, you are still RAW and in the HEALING PHASE….I counsel others (and I should have had someone counsel me!) not to get involved with anyone too soon after a death/divorce. We are so raw, so injured, that our “picker” is not in good form and we are more able to get love bombed by a psychopath than we would be otherwise.
I was so needy after my husband died that I was a total patsy for the psychopath who came along. Now I am closer to being healed and much stronger than I was back then.
I have a much stronger and better P-dar (like radar only for psychopaths!) than I had back then. Your P-dar is “binging” on this guy, and your gut is telling you he is not safe, but you want so badly for a relationship you keep telling your gut to shut up!
Yes, I think your soon to be X will use this against you, and you are encouraging your daughter to keep “secrets”—-which can back fire on you when she starts keeping “secrets” FROM you.
My advice for what it is worth is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF and your DAUGHTER, get your divorce and get yourself in a stable emotional situation and then if you meet someone GO VERY SLOWLY WITH THEM….. VERY SLOWLY in the relationship. And if your gut starts feeling that there is something wrong–LISTEN TO IT. After the divorce is final, then you are legally FREE. Your X will always resent you having another relationship but at least you will be divorced when you start one. I would also encourage you not to introduce your daughter to your Men friends too early. Or to encourage her to keep secrets. She shouldn’t have to be responsible for your secrets from others, especially her father I don’t think.
Ox,
What can he do anyhow?
We’ve been separated 3 yrs. He’s been with a woman as daughter tells me (she saw a car parked in front of his garage and he was evasive about whose it was–as she knows that’s just his spot).
I understand hurt and jealousy. But what more can he do legally than he’s already been doing, at the end?
I can’t live in fear of him, as I am leaving him. He does not own me and I can see whoever I want.
Ox,
Thanks. When I read that, the first thought that came to my mind after “pity ploy” was…..oh, yes yes….Martha Stout…her book, that’s THE number one thing a psychopath will use, or any abuser for that matter and it doesn’t have to be about his ex’s who are psycho, wack, lying biatches, ya know? I’ve “heard/seen” that puppy dog, turn his head, whip up the tears in a nanosecond pity play…..out of BOTH Of my ex’s…and neither had to do with the ex’s at the time…poooooooor babies! NOT!
It is now and will always be, the VERY first thing I look for. THAT is the deal breaker and I bet you that there isn’t one stinkin abuser who doesn’t use it to one extent or another. In this case, it reads like “Oh baby…please stay with me, cuz ya know, I’m so lonely…and well, I want you sooooooo baaaad” PUKE, BARF, GET ME A BUCKET RIGHT NOW!!! BLECHHHHH!!!!!!
Star…..
YOu’re touching my heart…….
I’m so struggling right now. You’ve reached a new beginning a plateau of sorts…the emotional connection to the pain of your childhood abuse…..
I so respect that you refuse to keep it a secret. I honor that, Star.
I”m still keeping it a secret. Without support. I”m afraid to tell, still…the pain is so intense and so deep, I’ve hit the point of what it is to truly feel and be in the throws of PTSD. I met with my youngest son’s school counselor today (amazing woman and very caring), and we talked openly about what was going on with my son, what her perspective was, what she sees at school versus what I’m seeing at home….I find myself “teaching” about personality disorders…..and childhood trauma….so I opened up to her about the things my son has experienced, but I spoke it without emotion…but it was there. It was pushed down, as usual….she looked at me with horror as I shared what had happened throughout the years to my son and our family…..
I’m frustrated and deeply depressed. I’m trying to find a therapist for my son. The waiting lists for services is VERY long. For myself and for him. I’m discouraged, it is so sad to me that when you’re literally begging for services, for help for yourself and your child, you are told to wait…that it could be many months before you receive services…how long will I have to live with the PTSD and what feels like a gradual decline everyday? Why is the decline happening? Why am I so discouraged knowing what is wrong but not knowing how to fix it? I’m not the same woman I was two weeks ago, four months ago….life has changed drastically….I’m seeing ALL of my life…ALL Of it, and the effects on my family………my choices, the abuse I suffered as a child….all of it. I feel worthless, like garbage. I’m still getting up in the morning to take my son to school, but I can’t clean my house now. I’m barely functioning. I can’t wear my new contacts because my eyes are now infected, my ear is infected again as is my abscessed tooth……I see my doctor next week. I cannot remember a time in my life, where I have been in so much intensive, massive, overwhelming pain…yet I still walk, talk, bury it all……….it hurts. It all just hurts and i can’t reach out to those who love me because it’s all so much to share and there could not be understanding.
All the denial is gone. I have nothing left of it to hold onto even for survival. I’m filled with sorrow, hatred and pain. If I could line each one of my abusers up and shoot them in front of a firing squad, I would.
That little girl, that I’m now beginning to see come into focus in my mind, is a little girl in tatters….a tattered dress…hair messed up..crying in a corner, hurt and afraid…who will be next? She’s asking…who will be the next to HURT me? I’m still that child in an adult’s body. I cannot bear to look at the pictures of myself as a child now. they are packed up and put away….it is unbearable…..
Why did this happen to me? Why did they hate me so much? I feel flawed. Rejected by every single human being I trusted to care for me, keep me safe. There was NEVER, NOT ONCE, in my ENTIRE LIFE, safety. Never. And that hurts.
I have to create that safety now for myself and I don’t know how. I feel so vulnerable, like I’ve never felt before in my life. Ever. I could always put the high functioning mask on and pretend that it wasn’t real. I could offer advice, but could not take it. I could love others, but could not be loved. I wanted to be….but I gave all of that to those who wanted only to hurt me. Not to love me.
I’m seeing why this is so painful about my ex. I loved him…deeply…with what was familiar to me….I wanted him to keep me safe…to protect me….from further harm and damage….I held onto every single piece of his words, without knowing the music…….”I love you” I banked on and I overlooked the contradictions, SEVERE abuse, circumstances, to hang onto that………..just like I did in childhood…..they all said they loved me too…..but not often….when my mother apologized to me about my stepfather molesting me for four years and her slapping me across the face when I shared it with her….she didn’t meant it. It was for her, not for me. But I wanted to believe that too, while she showed me that what was important to her was my spath sister and brother. I found out later that spathy sis had “talked her into” apologizing to me. For what reasons I shall never ever know………..
Because her actions after that, were nothing that looked like the words of her apology, only more grief and pain. She hated me. Hated me more than anyone else in her life. I paid dearly for her hatred and that of my spath daddy. My brother and sister learned how to hate me too…………
And I still wonder……….why? I keep searching and thinking….what the hell did I do that was so bad that I deserved to be so wounded? I can’t think of one damned thing. not one….
Spath was symbolic of the voices of my past abusers who believed me to be worthless while professing how much they lvoed me from time to time. I clung to them when I was younger, because I had nothing else to cling to and when I did….
I was in bigger trouble than if I had just kept my mouth shut and withered away……
Star, you’re coming along well. It’s not a straight line for me.
It’s as jagged as can be right now.
I’m proud of you.
LL
DW.
I would like to ask you a question: What would it hurt you to go EXTREMELY, ALMOST BORINGLY SLOW WITH THIS MAN?
The mistake I made while leaving my ex, was that spathy baby was right there, pity ploy and all, ready to pounce and pounce he did. I didn’t HAVE any boundaries. As long as a man was paying attention to my hurting ass, I was RIGHT THERE…just happened to be “I’m your friend for two years now(even though he was still married-DUH!) and I love you sooooo I’ll help you through all of this”….and where my mindset was at the time, was a lot like yours.
WELL THANK GOD BUSTER LOVER! GET ON BOARD! I SURE NEED TO FORGET ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE AND WHEW, YOU THINK I”M ALL THAT AND A BAG OF FRITOS!!
THe SINGLE, BIGGEST mistake you will make is to jump from the frying pan into the fire, DW. And that’s EXACTLY what you’re doing. I read your post, the anger is still VERY THERE and VERY REAL about your ex.
What’s the rush? Work on your grief and anger first. Achieve INDIFFERENCE FIRST, DO NOT invite more dysfunction for you and your child. Another thing, keeping secrets is LYING…there are various forms of this. You deserve a life free of that. Haven’t you lived it long enough? YOur child deserves it too.
YOu deserve better!!
LL
Dear DW ~ It sounds as if your instincts are telling you something is not quite right. Please listen to them, they generally will not fail you. Take care.