Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
M.L.
This is an excellent post; thank-you!
And a lot of the responses speak eloquently also.
select all> copy>paste> add to nomorebs folder on desktop.
Distraught,
Agree.. I have been going back to the ‘good’ times with the sociopath..
He was the ‘perfect’ man in many ways.. and I miss our talks and the continual interaction.. and if I needed something he was there…
In dating.. I see through men and their games by the second date and they are all so alike in their neediness and need to control.. they seem to want to own me by the second date.. referring to things that are way premature.. so I get away from them..immediately…
Then I think back to last Christmas, at this time.. I was with the S and he was here for me.. we did things together and it was fun in ways. even though I knew that it was not good for me in the long run..
I nipped it in the bud.. I was the one that pulled away and slammed the door shut..
But you know all the things that they say that I am the love of his life.. his one true soulmate.. the queen of his life…
He is the one that closes off and blames the woman… I recall him saying that in the beginning …
But what is going on with me.. in that feeling did he mean any of it with me? I am in that kind of weak place and wondering does he miss me… etc?
I helped him during his Mother’s illness and death.. and she really liked me and I her.. And he was close to his mother..
So we shared some intense experiences…
I am just confused… The holidays.. brings up memories and longing for what was..
And mine was the refined, kind, subtle kind of interaction.. the I am so good…
I just find after dating in this past year.. I see that he was one of the better ones…
Men are just pathetic these days… I am rambling..
But yes, I miss his flowers, his attention, his telling me how beautiful that I am…
But they all say this type of stuff.. I went out with a man last Friday and he said the same stuff but I wasn’t attracted to him .. I just watched.. and on the second date he became abusive.. and I ended it…
Blah! Blah….
what is the answer… theres is none..
but to take care or yourself and have your attenea on alert…
men are on the hunt and want to capture…
At least, my s had some good attributes.. but I guess, they were all contrived… and it wasn’t love but orchestrated for and to suit his needs..
then I become the ‘bad one’ when I won’t surcumb to his constant needs and even the needs of this sicko daughter..
I am a bit confused in what this interaction between men and women is after this guy.. and it seems to have made me acutely aware of the behavior in all men.. even in business… I don’t trust the motives in any of them…
hi Style,
somewhere in all of the ML posts i read early this am was the phrase, ‘he is the lie.’
i am trying this one on when i feel the nostalgia rising. so far today i have said it about 4 times and it seems to have an interesting affect: it somehow lightens the shame I feel.
In this paradigm if he is ‘the lie’, then I am genuine – and I have been feeling less than genuine in the wake of this.
The use of the definite article shifts the phrase into something really solid: THE LIE has more power for me, than ‘a lie’.
I know there is a thread about being spath free in 2010 – I’d like to see a thread that says, BE SPATH FREE FOR THE HOLIDAYS: HOW TO DEAL WITH STUPID NOSTALIGIA.
All best,
one step
…or maybe, “BE SPATH FREE FOR THE NEXT 10 DAYS!”
or, “HOW TO LOSE A SPATH A WEEK UNTIL YOU REACH YOUR GOAL” (OF ZERO SPATH POUNDS)
or, “HOLIDAY SPATHS; ROASTED OR FRIED?”
or, “BAG YOUR SPATHS AND THE SALVATION ARMY WILL PICK THEM UP CURBSIDE DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON” (Special one for Henry)
or, “SPATH, EVIL A**HOLE OR EVIL A**HOLE?”
or, “SPATHAWAY SKILLETS, XMAS LOVE SPECIAL, $9.99 WITH HOLSTER” (For Oxy)
….there may be more coming. x
one step
one step.. thanks that phase he is the lie.. I am genuine.. hit home…
And is the truth.. the feelings that I had were real… when we had arguments I was there to find resolve.. and he usually walked away and closed off… he is a runner.. he attacheds too fast and exits emotionally or otherwise when it all isn’t exactly like he thinks that it ‘should’ be…
His mother left him in Argentina with the housekeepers at a young age.. she eventually got him out of the country but that was the beginning of his control issues with women and working to appearing that he is so perfect ..
I was his ‘perfect’ image of what his soul mates ‘should’ be and look like and when I didn’t ‘behave’ just as he thought.. he couldn’t handle it and attacked me..turned on me … blamed me…
One step.. yes.. agree.. a thread to just get through the holidays and to stay in your sane mind and not the dream that they created .. the lie….
I recall times when I felt so sorry for him.. and that is what kept me in it longer….
so someone start a DAY BY DAY though the holidays survival thread..
I am doing things for me.. eating what I want.. working out.. shopping around, watching TV.. going to movies..
one step .. your humor is great and right on!
hey style,
I felt almost nothing but sorry for my spath – he kept DYYYING.
I wrote a list a while ago of his ‘characteristics’: young, guilless, submissive, abused, noble, sweet, never angry, etc.
He looked pretty pathetic on paper – and this was odd for me, cause the FORCE OF HIS PERSONALITY WAS THAT STUPID ‘OPTIMISM.’
Yesterday I realized it was his not having boundaries, how at risk and threatened he was, how much he needed protection, that hooked me. I rise to the occasion IMMEDIATELY.
so much learning to do, so few hours 😉
ouuu, we could do a twelve days of spath x ness! hmm, where are we in the cycle??
I am really glad you are doing good, healthful things for you! 🙂
Hi Style,
Think he was probably telling exactly the same nice things to other women at the same time. That’s what my sociopath did. The same words. Exactly. At the same time.
Think he would have turned into an abuser once you were sufficiently hooked or trapped in some way. That’s what they all do. Consciously. You escaped in time, you should be proud of that.
Think all the niceness was part of the scam. You thought he was your soulmate because he acted that way. Whatever your ideas, likes and dislikes…he would have gone along to seduce you.
His mother? Brainwashed and manipulated like everyone else. He needs her for something – maybe just for that, to look like a decent son – my sociopath looked like a loving son too but he especially needed cash from his dear old mother.
He was one of the better ones you think – He seemed to be one of the better ones because seduction is his business. Noone normal would care to lie about who they are, what they do, what they like, for the sole purpose of seducing someone – because normal people generally want to be loved for who they are; and at the very least normal people wouldn’t lie because they’d be afraid of being found out. But sociopaths don’t give a damn.
Don’t be nostalgic, be grateful that he’s no longer part of your life.
Don’t despair about men – many of them are predators, but thanks to your sociopath you are now able to see through their lies and you are not going to waste any more time with useless men, until the right one comes your way!
Be patient with yourself – it’s normal to feel lonely and to miss the idea of a loving relationship – but remember the sociopath did not give you that and would never have.
Happy new year without him!
Elieen and One step.. thanks.. Just took a shower and was thinking.. thinking.. right on Eileen.. his mother while she was live did give him credibility of a caring son.. but I was the one that cared for her in the end.. visiting.. having photos enlarged of her family to put around her bed.. etc….he thanked me profusely. In one phone call, I just said hi to her and she let into “Your good for nothing father left me alone here..he never comes to see me.” She thought that she was talking to her grandaughter…
So that was revealing…I was her constant in her last days.. and I only knew her for three months… whew!
Mine was very moral and there was no one else while that he was with me.. I know that.. but yes, I am sure that he uses the same gig on other women.. but now, his mother is gond…
Yes.. I just feel lonely for that relationship connection… at this time of year.. but would rather be alone than in a bad one.. and last year was not all that good… but I had that constant companionship..
One thing this latest little two date episode revealed. He was an attorney and we were talking about court cases and he said that the jury would hate me .. the women would be jealous and the men would want me.. you are gorgeous so men don’t think that you are intelligent.. and you are so intelligent..
Did you all ‘get’ all that…
then this man became verbally abusive … talking down to me… on the freakin second date.. obvious abuse…
I don’t see myself as he described me.. I think that I am atractive but I see myself as intelligent…
GEEZ!!!!!!! Why is it all so confusing…
I mean I workout and try to look good.. but that is just a small piece…
but if you let yourself go then what…
I hate men just now!
Hi Style,
I’m not surprised about the mother…my sociopath also claimed to care for his family – it turned out he never did; only used them as excuses eg said he tended to his sick mother…when he was really with another woman.
Got similar “compliments” as you did; insults in disguise really. They chip away our self-confidence and pave the way for the gaslighting to come.
Good riddance is really all you should think right now. Enjoy your freedom and your ability to see through predators’ games. Don’t hate men but be vigilant, trust your instincts, and if you feel the need to hire a private detective to check what your date is saying then just do that 😉
Okay.. but what I am seeing is that all men are predators on some level.. it just comes at you in different forms.. some more obvious others not… some more evil and with motives more evil.. others just needy.. and all of it unattractive, and not good for me… we all have needs including me but it is like they wear them on their sleeve and think that they are so wise and cunning.. when I sit there laughing and broken heart at yet another obvious man so needy that he can’t be nice and straight forward but must fall back on abuse, manipulation, etc. to ‘try’ and capture a woman..
This latest even asked me on the second date mind you. “Are you one of those woman that wait for marriage before having sex?”
Like I wouldn’t get what he was up to… it is all so disgusting….