Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Stargazer
Yay, petite! !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ox Drover
PULLED OUT MY PLUG!!!!! Yea Petite!!! You did it!!!! Great analogy!!! I’m so proud of you!!!!
candy
Petite – yahooooooooooooooo You DID it:)
superkid10
My Spath was having a melt down on Friday – I was afraid he’d show up at my office – he didn’t, but something else happened. Apparently he ran into trouble at his work and he is accused of violating a policy. He was distraught, came running to me (over the phone), beating himself up for his stupdity at work, beating himself up for sleeping around with other women, saying he’s sorry, saying he wants me, that I deserves better…..and yet, during this whole 24 hour period, I discovered he’s f*ing around on internet dating sites. I guess I shouldn’t be stunned????
DancingWarrior
Star,
I guess “reinventing”–I’ve heard the analogy like giving birth–it’s long and painful, or the analogy my therapist likes of being transplanted in a bigger pot, and until the roots take and the plant adjusts to the new environment, it’s questionable if it will make it, but if it does, then it grows bigger, healthier, and stronger. So now I’m being transplanted into a bigger pot. LOL :):)
You asked about where I’m from and I’d rather not post “out loud” but happy to tell you through email if you wish.
Thanks for reminding me that feeling fear is temporary and it’s just an emotion like any other. And I have felt it before, and has it gotten less? I guess… I used to go to a yoga class and just start bawling my eyes out thinking I’m nothing without him. That has definitely subsided.
Thank you for the question what could I be excited about living w/a spath. Kathleen Hawk told me a while back, do I really want to be his sad puppet. I see more clearly his need to always have the upper hand, and he was happy to see me sad. (Vampire!) He’d often say how smart I was, how emotionally superior, the bad thing is that his envy of these abilities also made him hate me bec. it threatened his inabilities.
Thanks Star! 🙂
DancingWarrior
LL, Ox, Petite, Star,
Each of you is an inspiration to me to keep plugging along as I feel not alone. Though you are unseen friends out there, I do feel a strong community from your caring words and thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is hope in how you all dealt and are dealing with wherever you are with your obstacles with exploitive people, and great great strength from each of your characters.
Love Petites unplugging. Girl, I’ve been “unplugging” for three years and he’s crazy glued himself!!! Event he courts and lawyers can’t seem to get him off me.
Ox, yes, totally–I had it easy in the beginning, he provided for me in material ways and offered a security for the time, but at what cost. Like a doll in a doll’s house–you know the story? How lovely to be one’s doll and fill their life purpose…. I did that almost all the 20 yrs of marriage.
Petite, thanks and nice to meet you here on LF.
candy
Superkid – What happened to HIM at his work is no problem of yours (he will make you think it is)
‘He came running’ ……..HE did (violation of policy)THIS to HIMSELF. He’s not sorry he DID it – he’s SORRY he got caught.
NC NC NC if you talk to him you are back to square one.
Internet dating sites have a lot to answer for!!
This man is messing with your head. Cut him lose. Repeat after me NC NC NC
You no longer have to be his shoulder to cry on (pity ploy)
So BOINK…….get off the merry-go-round.
Ox Drover
Superkid,
AND HIS MELT DOWN IS YOUR PROBLEM HOW? Do not listen! When he calls hang up as soon as you hear his voice, if you must answer not knowing it is him.
Listening to him is reward to him and a downer for you! NC NC!!!!!
BTW him having a “melt down” for something is what we call a “pity play” —-Oh, woe is me! Pity me, talk to me, my life is falling apart and ONLY YOUUUUUUU CAN SAVE AND COMFORT ME.
Excuse me while I PUKE!!!! :D<
Stargazer
Superkid,
AWWWW poor little spath. My heart bleeds in 8 places….I feel so sorry for him for his cheating and lying and all the suffering it has caused him. I’m so sad for him that he is not immune to the laws of karma, and he has to sow everything he reeps, just like normal people. Poor, poor spath. (I’m throwing up a little in my mouth). Actually, it’s not very often you get to witness a spath go down. Enjoy it while you still know about it. When you are completely NC, it will no longer be your problem or concern.
My *poor* spath was allegedly on suicide watch after he got caught by the army for fraud and adultery (I was the one who turned him in). Poor poor spath that his pity play did not work on me to get me to repeal my sworn statement.
Any BTW, he also told me that he didn’t deserve me, just like yours did. A lot of them say this. This would be the only time they actually tell the truth.
candy
Quick Ox – get the first aid box Star is bleeding in 8 places!! Better get the whole Crash Team it’s a life or death situation! LMAO.
Enjoy his downfall Superkid – it may be the only chance you get.