Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Dear Candy,
I think what we need is a shot of phenergan to keep us all from puking! Problem is that medication burns so badly when it’s injected, I’d rather puke than take it! LOL
Urrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 🙁
Ha ha ha Candy. Better get out the violins, too! I got my first real taste of the pity ploy when I turned my spath into the army. Because of my (and my friends’) statements, the army investigated him for fraud and adultery and eventually found him guilty. Right after I sent in the statements, his platoon sergeant called me. She told me he was on “suicide watch” and asked if I was sure I really wanted to give the statement. I chose this precise moment to educate her about spaths and the pity ploy. I told her that I could guarantee that he had no intention of committing suicide – it was all a show. And that HELL NO, I wouldn’t repeal my statement! I didn’t tell her the second part of what I was thinking, which was that if he actually did commit suicide, it would make the world a little better and safer.
At the time I still had feelings for him and it did tug at my heartstrings for a little while, especially since he had a 1 year old child. But you know, he was just being held accountable for what he did.
Star Yipeeee – Star 10 spath 0
I know you’re right. Star Gazer, Gem, and another lady on this site who turned in her daughter….I’m amazed, it sounds like you turned in your spath and perhaps prompted the downfall.
Isn’t that dangerous?
My SPATH was in a panic on Friday morning trying to reach me, I was convinced he was going to show up at my office again….then several hours went by with silence…..then he made the call saying he was in big trouble at work. Candy, when he started talking to me, it sounded at first like he was blaming ME for it “what are you trying to do to me?”.
My best example is this. When we met he lied to me and told me he was in the Army as a General and he just got back from Iraq. He claimed he flew to Florida all the time for “army training”. It sounded wacky to me. Via a text message one day I told him I thought he was a compulsive liar. He was so “offended”, or pretended to be, that within hours he bought airline tickets, and flew to Tampa, took pictures of himself standing by signs in the tampa airport, and texted them to me, and flew back here the same day. He was furious with me. Isn’t that nutty? All that time and money to try to pretend that a lie wasn’t actually a lie? But he didn’t physically attack.
Anyway, I really fucked up. I listened to his sob story on Friday, I gave him advice and support, I “fed him”, I guess I showed I cared.
I am so pissed off at myself, now I have to start this whole NC thing ALL OVER AGAIN. !)@.......#(!)#@.......!@.......#. !@.......#)!#(!. I am just so mad at myself.
I want other things to fill my mind. My children. I love to cook. I need to improve fitness level (I’m a runner). I so badly want to be NOT reading the Wizard of Ozz and Other Narcissists and Malignant Self Love by an apparent sleezebag.
🙁 Thank you for being there today.
Superkid,
I think it’s hard from going from enmeshment to total NC without some sort of transitional statement of intent. And yes, spaths can escalate when you let them know your intent is NC, so you need to be careful and alert. I don’t know your situation that well, but if the last time you talked to him you were sympathetic, and he is still calling, he will expect you to cave again at some point. If I were in your shoes, I would have one simple conversation with him. I’d say something to the effect of, “Please do not contact me any more.” or “I’m sorry you are having these problems, but I cannot help you. Good luck.” I would be very pleasant and cordial (gray rock) about it. And hang up. Something like that. This would be my first line of defense. If he continues to harrass you, I’d state very calmly but firmly one more time, “I asked you not to contact me again. If it happens again, I will consider it as harrassment and get the police involved.” Or “Do not ever show up at my job again. If you do, I will call the police.” And then follow through. Make sure you document every phone call and visit, what is said and any gestures made (grabbing your arm, raising his voice, etc.) But do not talk to him again. Then change your phone number and block him from emailing you, etc. In order to enforce your boundary your first need to SET the boundary! He needs to get a very clear message that you are serious and that you are not going to cave. Some get violent at that point, but some just go away and look for another source of supply. Fortunately for me, after the one stalking incident at the reptile show, mine went away for the most part. But I never underestimated him. I was afraid for up to a year that he may show up at my door and try to hurt me. Remember, if they are not getting a reaction from you except NC, there is no more game for them to play with you. You can also just continue with the gray rock, ignoring him, hanging up on him, and seeing if he gets the message. But I wasn’t clear that there was ever an actual break-up between the two of you. I personally think you need to make a statement of intent so he really gets the message that it’s over. This means it’s really over, SK, and there’s no turning back. This is what stops most people. They want to keep the door open because they’re not ready to close it for good. One you close it, it’s closed.
Even with a “normal” break-up, I feel it is important to let the person know you are breaking up with them. Otherwise, if they still have feelings, there will be confusion and back-and-forth.
Keep in mind that if you feel scared or threatened by him – even if he is not violent – this should all be documented in a police report.
Along the lines of a “break-up”, I was recalling a relationship I had when I was 30. I lived with him for a year and a half. He saved me from a bad living situation where I was living in near poverty in a boarding house with a crazy manager who was very scary and psychotic. But he was just not the right person for me. He drank a lot and was on the controlling side. He partook in drugs with his friends every week, and just wasn’t someone who was good for me. I don’t think he was a BAD person – just not the right one for me. However, he had become my only family and I was very emotionally bonded to him. One day we had a big argument and he grabbed my wrist. I called the police and ended up at a domestic violence shelter where I stayed for a few weeks. I still loved the guy and was very confused. When I got out, I still spent time with him but I didn’t move back. I was staying in a friend’s house and dating other guys.
Eventually, my ex found out I was dating another guy and became irate. He went and broke the windows of the guy’s truck. Looking back, I see that I had partly created the mess because I never actually broke up with him. I was too weak and indecisive. I never told him I was seeing other men. I still hung out with him once in a while. I still felt a bond with him. I got a nasty letter from him telling me what a slut I was. I felt bad about it for a long time. The moral of the story is this: Be clear about what you want and state your intent clearly. If someone violates your boundaries, make sure there are consequences.
I’m not excusing my ex’s bad behaviors. I’m just saying that I didn’t know what I wanted so what I got was a big mess. It helps to very very clear about what you want. If you want the spath out of your life, say so and make it very clear with your actions.
Dear Star,
I totally disagree with your point here. I realize you are not “excusing” your x’s bad behavior but NO ONE WHO IS NORMAL breaks out the windows of someone else because you hung out with him once in a while and dated someone else and HE DIDN’T KNOW? I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT FOR ONE MOMENT. That guy didn’t break out the guy’s windows because you didn’t TELL HIM you were broken up. When you spent “several weeks” in a DV shelter he KNEW (OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IF HE WAS NORMAL) that you were not his PROPERTY.
When you refuse to talk to someone YOU ARE BREAKING UP. That is enough of a message that “I am not talking to you” means “WE ARE NO LONGER A COUPLE.” You don’t have to specifically say “I am breaking up with you” to GIVE THEM THE MESSAGE IF THEY ARE “NORMAL”—but you can say “I’m breaking up with you” until your tongue and lips fall off but a psychopath WON’T GET IT THAT YOU ARE NOT STILL HIS PROPERTY….
Fair enough, Oxy, I knew you would have this response. 🙂 I’m not saying he was justified in his violence. He was a controlling alcoholic. But I’m saying I’ve gotten myself into lots of messes because of not being clear about what I wanted, particularly with men. I knew he thought we were still a couple. I let him believe that, even though we weren’t spending that much time together. I was playing both ends against the middle. I had no idea who I was at the time and felt I needed him to define me and give me a sense of family. I realize that we are not responsible for someone else’s actions. But I think having clear boundaries goes a long way toward avoiding drama. If I had just broken up with him, there would not have been drama. He would have cried and wished me well. When we finally did break up, it was hard on both of us, but he we both moved on with our lives. There was no stalking. These are all learning experiences on the path of life.
This particular guy is not a sociopath, and I do believe he is not a bad person. But he was bad for me. He was someone who refused to grow and change and take responsibility for his own actions. He had/has close friends, and maintained a platonic friendship with his ex who introduced us, and has a thriving career these days (I saw his website). He was not jealous or controlling with his ex. For some reason he and I brought out the worst in each other, and his worst was something that I couldn’t deal with. I was jealous and controlling with him as well. Our relationship was frought with arguments and control, just as many of my relationships have been – high drama. I HAVE to look at this and take responsibility for my part. He was actually one of the few boyfriends who recognized how sick my mother was and encouraged me to protect myself (emotionally) around her. Anyway, someone doesn’t have to be bad to be bad for ME. I myself have thrown some jealous fits of rage in my younger days and destroyed some treasured objects.
The point is not to defend him, but to illustrate how fuzzy life becomes when you don’t know who you are or what you want. You just get whatever. And if you’re sleeping with the “whatever” you will bond to them. Then you will find yourself in a mess, if this person is not the right person for you. The one I left that guy for was even more controlling though not in a violent way. But that’s a whole other story. I should write a book.
I knew I was leaving my last post open to interpretation and I’m glad that the strong people on LF recognize that violence is never the victim’s fault.
Dear Star, I do realize what you were saying, but what I am saying is that IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU DID, HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO WHAT HE DID….I think most of us have done things we regret, have had dysfunctional stuff on our side of the coin as well (I can say amen to that for myself!) but NOTHING that we have done should excuse what he did. HE KNEW BREAKING THOSE WINDOWS WAS WRONG…even if you WERE a couple. Even if you were MARRIED. What he did was WRONG. Violent.
I never set a “boundary” specifically “do not steal from me” with my X-friend (referred to in the first post on this article) but she KNEW IT WAS WRONG TO STEAL AND SHE DID IT ANYWAY….I caught her…then later PRETENDED IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, and danged if she didn’t STEAL from me again. So what did I do? I CRIED and pretended like I hadn’t caught her RED HANDED with her hand in the cookie jar! LOL then FINALLY I set the boundary, LEAVE THIS PLACE AND DON’T COME BACK. LOL Boy does it take me a while to set those boundaries! LOL Yep., but I finally did. And I should have stuck with the boundary (unspoken but there: don’t steal) Even if YOU “lead him on” still he had no right to do what he did. Maybe he isn’t a psychopath, but he’s not someone I’d want a relationship with either. I think you did well to end that relationship. We’ve all made some poor relationship choices….you are NOT alone in that! LOL (((hugs) 😀