Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Ox, Star,
I think you BOTH have good points here. Ox, your point is valid if it pertains to a pathological person.
Star, only you know whether he was pathological or not. Controlling/alcoholic is in the same ball park. But the importance of being a controlling alcoholic, the true test of whether he was a psycho or not, was what was his behavior OVERALL in every area of his life and when he wasn’t drinking it up? IF he were a SOBER man, what would his behavior be like? Would he be “Controlling”?
This is a slippery slope here. Not everyone who is a psychopath is also an alcoholic and vice versa. Now of course, this is where I’m going to here “Well toxic is toxic” and star you illustrated that point well. He was BAD FOR YOU, even if he wasn’t a spath, he was an ALCOHOLIC. When my ex P hubby dried up, it didn’t change his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR….in the slightest! He was a dry drunk, but underneath it all, just as vicious, nasty, lacking in empathy, remorse or guilt about anything, INCLUDING his behaviors while he WAS intoxicated. When we did a “clarification” and he was suppose to “apologize” it was SO CLEAR that it was FAKE.
I know that reading these posts, these differences of opinion and perspective is very triggering for me personally. So in stepping back and observing the reasons that it is, and reflecting upon where I am right now….your post feels invalidating, Star. We’re all here because we have had involvements with spaths. That is a totally different breed of abuser than a controlling alcoholic, although while the alcoholic is ACTIVE in his use, even if he ISN”T a spath, can APPEAR TO BE THE SAME AND IS JUST AS TOXIC!
I can see Oxy’s point in how it would feel that way to some who are still dealing with spaths. How we deal with them might be COMPLETELY different than dealing with a controlling ALCOHOLIC ACTIVE IN HIS USE!
BOTH of my last P and spaths were ALCOHOLIC. IT’s adding gasoline to the fire, Star.
Even if you were to take the gasoline away, with a spath, or P or what the hell ever, you’re STILL DEALING WITH A RAGING FIRE THAT CAN NEVER BE PUT OUT (I really wish I could underline my emphasis cuz it seems like I”m screaming but I’m not).
I’m in so much pain right now. So my perspective may well be speaking from that pain. If it offends either of you, I apologize.
But I do see the differences, Star.
I”ve also been doing a lot of research about personality disorders and talking with A LOT of women who have experiences “them”. It’s a hell of a different ball of wax than an ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC.
Three things I’ve learned:
1. No empathy
2. No guilt or remorse
3. no possibility of change. See 1 and 2.
I believe even the most RAGING of alcoholics can change. I’ve seen that in my own life with people I know and love that were hiding fifths of vodka inside the back of their toilets. Some of them have recovered and are WONDERFUL people having made amends to ALL they have hurt.
That’s not what spaths do. Even when they’re sober.
I was reading “The Sociopath Next Door” again the other day. Seems as I progress throughout this process, each time I read these books, something new and different pops out at me that didn’t hit me like it does now. Must be the fog lifting….
Anyway, Martha has a section that is this:
“Thirteen Rules for Dealing with a Sociopath in Everyday Life”.
Under rule number 10, “Do not redeem the unredeemable” it says this and I quote:
“Second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for those who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.”
This, however, from my perspective, is a contradiction to her Rule of three and lying. MANY people lie to hide something in their lives that they do NOT want others to know, and alcoholism is just ONE of them. It doesn’t make them Spaths, it makes them addicts. And I’ve seen too many recover quite nicely thank you, and STOP the behavior. So in this way, I disagree with Oxy. I think this is NOT black and white in some situations. In others it’s completely cut and dry. No empathy, no remorse, no guilt, no INSIGHT into the pain caused to others….even if sober.
NO second chances.
LL
I’d also like to say that addictions come in all forms, often that look like trauma bonds as well. How many of us LIED, to ourselves and others about those who were the TRUE liars? How many times did we cover for them, LIE for them, to ourselves and others? Does that make us SPATHS? of course not. But in some ways, I think we are all recovering from an “addiction” or “trauma bond”…and THAT can make for MANY lies……would you want this said of you while with a spath? Many women and men LIE when they’re in relationship with one. Slimed. It doesn’t make them a spath though, does it?
It’s more than just “one lie” that makes someone without a conscience.
Dear LL,
I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, kiddo!
There are many times when there are “dual diagnoses” and a person is BOTH AN ADDICT AND A PPD. Or bi-polar AND PPD or ADHD AND PPD or in some cases I have known someone who was ALL of those things. The trojan horse was ALL of those things, and a sex offender on top of it all….my son C is ADHD but not a PPD, my P son is PPD and as far as I know not ADHD, Bi-polar or an addict…and AA is full of “dry drunks” that are PPDs and have 20 year sober pins….and they glory in their sobriety!!! But they are TOXIC as they can be.
My egg donor’s brother, My Uncle Monster was PPD, and an alcoholic and probably Bi-polar too….the booze gave him the guts to be the asshole he wanted to be when he was sober and didn’t have the guts to act out.
Yea I have lied too and won’t lie more and say I never lied, because that would be a LIE! LOL The truth is though that there are LIES and there are LIIIIIIEEEEES.
“Of course those pants don’t make your butt look big.” That’s a SOCIAL lie, but it isn’t intended to harm you.
But lying to me/you in an effort to manipulate you, mislead you, con you, cheat you….that’s a different ball of wax entirely. PREMEDITATED LIES to cover up theft, cheating etc. (head shaking here) NOPE, NO SECOND CHANCE.
People who lie on their resume, inflate their qualifications to get a job, or to impress someone, etc. who make lying a “way of life”—nah, I don’t need that and the first time I catch them, they are GONE FROM MY LIFE. People who are CLOSE to me, and know how badly LIES HURT ME, but choose to lie to me anyway?????? Nah, don’t need them in my life either. Don’t need anyone who is DISHONEST….
Don’t need any addicts in my life either…yep, I know addicts can get help and change, straighten up their lives and “fly right.” Well, ONCE THEY HAVE DONE THAT, THEY CAN COME BACK AND MAKE ANOTHER APPLICATION TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME….in the meantime, they can go along their merry way, I don’t need any active addicts in my life.
I’ve made too many excuses, given people too many chances to repeat their dishonesty and kept up “malignant hope” that they would grow a conscience and quit abusing others. It isn’t just psychopaths I don’t want in my life but anyone who is dishonest and willing to hurt others repeatedly. I just don’t have the strength to keep bouncing back from the disappointment of being taken advantage of by others who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk,
Ox,
My “bad day” has nothing to do with my opinion.
I don’t disagree with your post here. In fact, you underscore parts of what I’m saying very well. I don’t have an issue with distancing those from my life who are “toxic”. Addictions or not, however, I’m not opposed to them coming to me in the future and apologizing for their behaviors if they’re GENUINE in that effort. Forgiveness is for me, as well as for them. EVen if they never ask, it is STILL for me. I’m willing to give someone who is working hard, the benefit of the doubt.
I’m sorry, I disagree with you Ox. If a lie is a lie is a lie, then we are ALL guilty of it, no matter the reasons. It’s more than just someone’s “dishonesty” that makes or breaks it for me. If that works for you with all you’ve been through, I respect that.
But for those I know how have been with spaths, were alcoholic, or whatever was their issue that they felt the need to LIE, and they are making genuine efforts at change? Sure, I’ll forgive them.
Going on lying or not lying, is too black and white for me. There are too many variables and circumstances that are created that allow for a person to lie. A lie is a lie, if i see as you see it, Ox. but I don’t.
LL
this is the first time i have read the article that started this thread. i am in some pain right now – that feeling of a loss of power and love swimming around, that feeling of someone taking their love away (aka the dark side referred to in the article).
the spath did this thing to me – she set me up and then she took it away from me. ripped it. in my dark moments i am still so very raw. they don’t hit all that often – but my sense of things getting better is still tenuous and pretty easy to bruise.
and after she set me up and took from me what i wanted, she planted seeds to real me in further…and she did, a bit and for a short while. but i recoiled and withdrew – none of her ‘characters’ were worth the shit i put up with to be with the fake boy.
after he fake died, i had some weeks when i had given up. i have never given up in my life. and i remember that whe i talked to the fake dead fake resurrected boy i told him about the giving up – and that lying evil bitch spath had an explosion of pleasure go off in her brain and she applauded my loss of hope. *c*.
i think that all the crap she pulled on me, pulled together every ordinary and un ordinary hurt and trauma over my lifetime and she knit together a darkness in me. – would this have ever happened without her conning me? i really really doubt it.
evil evil evil bitch.
this is probably the thing that most angers me – she truly did f*** me over. she controlled me. she manipulated me. when i feel like i lack control (poverty, illness, db landlord and db guy upstairs making my life a misery), when i feel disliked i go to this darker place.
but maybe i can be in the dark and just use braille to find the landmarks on this path.
i cannot believe what this feels like – man it’s slimey, slimed, dark smudge of ‘world without ground’ mixed with 10 parts voldemort.
this really is a hero(ines) quest. may we all make it to the other shore.
eiii, i have so much healing to do.
Onesy:
“this is probably the thing that most angers me ”“ she truly did f*** me over. she controlled me. she manipulated me. when i feel like i lack control (poverty, illness, db landlord and db guy upstairs making my life a misery), when i feel disliked i go to this darker place.”
I completely understand this, but you were able to express it so eloquently. I have no idea what to say to you about it.
I’m in the same place.
It is evil beyond evil. Long after the spaths are gone, it seems that when stress or difficulties of life or people appear, it brings up every level of evil that was slimed upon us. I think what it really is, One, is another layer of onion that needs to be peeled.
(((( HUGS ))))
LL
LL – this is eloquent also ‘I have no idea what to say to you about it.’
they just really destabilize our lives and our selves. when i first cam here there were a lot of us using the phrase,’ tilt the axis’ – that the spaths had, in fact shifted the very ground beneath our feet – like an earthquake.
many years ago i had a cyst removed from my cervix. not a big deal – local anesthesia, and done in a doctor’s office. it didn’t hurt much after either (well, except for the secondary infection that i knew i had contracted about 20 minutes after i got it.) but it shook my world – i curled up on the couch in shock for quite a while – it shook my body and psyche. the spath trauma is like that, albeit not so soon over, and not so easy to get an overview of. but there it is. it’s going to take a long time to heal and find new balances ( i don’t say ‘balance’ as i think there will be many i go through as i find my way back to myself.)
i have been sleeping on my couch for a month because of the db guy upstairs making noise. my back is reacting and also – i don’t know if that room is just not off-gassed, or if my couch is now full of formaldehyde (it was in the living room for 18 months, unused because of the cigarette smoke in there from other people in the building smoking inside and it drifting in to my living room, the formaldehyde is an issue i have been dealing with since moving in – it’s the off gassing from the laminate flooring)….anyhow, i finally set up my living room in the other bedroom just before the db moved in. and over tis time of sleeping in there my face is going numb and swelling and my skin is burning – i think the foam in the cushions must be holding the formaldehyde. when these symptoms come, there is also a great deal of panic – part of the panic is a response on a psychological level, but most of it is part and parcel with the toxin overload. my smoking neighbors are hard at it tonight and the other rooms in my place are smoky.
so, no safe place tonight. no quiet place. i stayed out of the house as long as i could today. but i have wanted to sleep for hours…and don’t know when i actually will sleep. db upstairs is playing music load enough to keep me awake, but probably not load enough to get the police interested. bad people suck.
((((((( Onesy ))))))))
It’s amazing how spath toxins permeate long after they are gone.
All the toxins you speak of are symbolic of the spath who so royally screwed you over, the lack of peace and control, symbolic with what is going on upstairs….
That lack of peace after spath is painful. It’s hard to shut out the drowning noises of a ghost that haunts through others and their carelessness……I so understand.
Hypersensitive to EVERYTHING after having yielded to such control.
About two weeks ago, my son and I were awakened by a physical/verbal altercation outside in the courtyard where we live. The disruption of peace and sleep was elevated, I believe, because of the spath experience. Everything seems to be….
I didn’t sleep the rest of the night.
It seems to me that our senses are heightened after the spath experience, to carelessness of others and lack of peace to boot.
Again, I don’t know what to say. There isn’t any words of wisdom I could offer you here. Perhaps others can. I hope so.
It seems to me after the spath experience that things that wouldn’t otherwise be a big deal, are.
I’ve still yet to peel that onion.
Big hugs your way tonight…………..for peace in some way.
LL
Very nicely put: ‘ghost that haunts through others and their carelessness’ (through carelessness AND intent).
thanks for writing. i am going to go to bed now – see if i can get some sleep. i banged on the wall and the effer upstairs finally turned down the music – but he will be making some more noise soon, he always bloody does.
grrr.
good night LL.
Dear one joy,
I am highly allergic to cigarette smoke and very sensitive to noise. I don’t know how you put up with it. Your place sounds so much like my first condo in the ghetto that I tolerated for 3-1/2 years. I am holding for you a vision of a better, quieter, and airier home. You’ll get there, sister. I see you in my mind’s eye, and I see you in a nicer home. 🙂
Love,
Star