Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Onesy, I feel for you so much . NOTHING is as bad as being sleep deprived! Some tossers down the road had a loud party last night, and even with my ear plugs, and ocean waves machine, the damned BOOM BOOM BOOM kept up till midnight I finally rang the local police at midnight, and for once they cam e quickly.! Saw the police car arriving at 12.20am. By 12. 30.SILENCE.!! How great it felt to have PEACe again!
Could you start to look for another place, even if its a studio,{one room } flat?Good luck whatever you decide to do!
{{{HUGS!!!}}}
Mama GemXX
LL, I just went back and read your post to me. I’m so sorry you are in so much pain, honey, and I’m sorry if anything I said triggered it. The ex/alcoholic was not a spath. He had none of the characteristics and was honest to a fault. But our relationship was an unhealthy one, and I definitely contributed to it by not knowing who I was or what I wanted. Back in those days I played with a lot of men’s feelings because I was not capable of real intimacy. I got involved really quickly and often became dependent on them financially and emotionally. Then I didn’t know how to get out. I had in essence followed in my mother’s footsteps with men.
I’m not saying that there is anything I did that caused that guy’s bad behaviors. But I do believe the combination of both of our neuroses was explosive. I know for a fact his life improved greatly after we split up because I googled all my exes one day and found out.
I am not a black-and-white thinker as far as putting people in categories. Until I dated the sociopath, I honestly didn’t think there was any such thing as a really bad, evil person. He is in a completely different category. There are no shades of gray with a sociopath. They truly are bad people.
Hi LL,
sorry that you are feeling down. you have been so supportive to me, in bringing me out of the deepest dark times with my jerk, when I was simply like a mad hatter, trying to make excuses for him.
about the lying and lack of conscience – which Oxy and Star have said – I think dishonesty is a huge warning sign and yes, NORMAL people or even addicts can lie and can then try their best to become good human beings, and I agree that is very possible, however if the person has a PD, and i will not generalise it to include each and every person with a PD, but in case of my jerk and your jerk, even if they come back saying they will not lie anymore and are not going to cheat, hide from us, I will never, never beleive them. There is no second chance there, if we do give a second chance, knowing WHAT THEY ARE, we are only inviting more misery and agony for ourselves. God will help those who help themselves.
we have to help ourselves AND cannot be pulled back into their web of deceit.
this is my opinion for my jerk. He will always cheat and his self gratification and entitlement to his needs will always supercede all.
thanks LL for being there for me.
I owe you that one dinner and be sure I will meet up with you.
petite
Petitie, star…
Oh my. I think you’re both owed some clarification here.
I’m actually okay. Lots of good things happening, even with all the pain that it is. A good support group, got OFF the anti depressants, as they were creating a literal MANIA and AGGRAVATING my anxiety! So, I’ve been doing a lot of research about holistics. It’s actually a positive thing for me. I’m learning about myself and what I NEED through this process, not what others think or say I should or should not do. That’s a HUGE amount of progress for me. I got myself into a DV support group that I started this last Wednesday and it was AWESOME! ALL of the women there had been involved with someone who was personality disordered. I felt right at home lol! In a room full of real life in your face, 3 d’ers. It was really great! I saw my doc the other day and we both decided that chemicals are not the way to go, given my reactions. They recently hired some naturopaths at the clinic, two of whom give massages (star, VERY excited about this!), and my insurance covers it, so it will be apart of my recovery. I love massage. I”ve been looking into meditation and trying to find ways to financially “ok” myself to join my local gym. Oh sure, I can walk and all, but I have great friends there who are supportive and would hold me accountable to exercise and are willing to help with my recovery. Gym buddies that are safe……
Today was a good day. filled with music with my son’s. Ok, so I could do WITHOUT the electric guitar, but that’s what headphones are for. I can listen to my own music and let them create theirs. Then there is my lovely wiener. A bit needy lately, but tried and true. I love my dog SO much! I often wonder if God allows him to live a little longer to weather this intense storm with me. He’s my best friend and the BEST heater at night…
Having said that…..Star, a lot of the posts here trigger me. That’s an inevitable outcome, in being apart of the blog at times. I didn’t mean it in a negative way. Where before it kinda sucked, now it provokes thought. I”m paying attention to myself and how I feel, what my opinions are on things. Knowing that not everyone will agree. Seeing my triggers. But instead of a negative thing, I prefer to see a positive thing of it, really….
Star, I understood what you were saying. I just think that there is some confusion with labels. So on the one hand, all of this education and Donna’s good work, as well as others, in getting the word out about S/P/N’s means we have to have a label, then a definition that accompanies “symptoms” or “red flags” to watch out for. That’s pretty significant. But then yet, we’re told by some that toxic is toxic and that’s it. I don’t believe that. it’s too black and white. Sociopaths are BLACK AND WHITE….but as a result of A COMBINATION of RIGID BEHAVIORS that are NOT seen with those who have conscience. They are to be COMPLETELY avoided at all costs. COMPLETELY. there is NO argument there.
Petitie, this is something that I think I need to clarify with you too: Your ex jerk, is a spath. For the following reasons: Lies, lack of empathy, no guilt or remorse for his behaviors. Pure and simple. It’s not just ONE thing, it’s a combination. ALL of those qualify as spathy behavior. There are others, but those are the essential three that I live by now.
HOwever, I’ve also known MANY in my life, who were alcoholic. One VERY severely who just celebrated her 480th day of sobriety. She’s lucky to be ALIVE. She put her family through HELL for years! We never thought she’d BE sober….but now that she is, she has already gone through the twelve steps and has made amends to every single person she has hurt. I’m very forgiving. This is a gift for me. I FORGAVE HER, because 1. she had conscience, 2. she made GENUINE amends (As displayed in her BEHAVIOR as well and 3. she CONTINUES to live an HONEST life!
That’s proof enough for me. Not everyone is WITHOUT CONSCIENCE. If we say that NONE of us have lied, we are lying. To me, a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. No matter WHAT the intentions. If I go strictly by this rule, well, I’d be pretty lonely and wouldn’t want to risk getting to know anyone. But that’s NOT who i am. The other factors as described above, have to be in place for me to make a more informed decision. What works for one, may not for me. I’m okay with that.
But when it comes to a personality disorder, there IS NO CHANCES. PERIOD. And it’s clear ALL of the above will be displayed.
Star, YOU were the only one who could say what that man was/is. ONLY YOU know your experience, so I want to honor it. I believe you. When I said that it invalidates, what I meant was that HERE, it seems that way because we are dealing with SPATHS WITHOUT CONSCIENCE ON EVERY LEVEL, not an alcoholic out of control. The two are different. I stayed away from my friend for a long time because of her drinking. I still talked to her, but I would not unless she was sober. I still loved her, but made a choice NOT to be involved in her life until she could stop drinking. I was prepared to let her go if she could not. No matter WHY she was drinking. She was toxic. TO ME. When she got sober, we started to talk a lot more. It was hell for her going into treatment. She was close to DEATH. It was just that bad. She wasn’t without conscience at all, she was in an incredible amount of pain…and her treatment showed that to be true. I can forgive that. We do stupid shit in pain. Whether in the relationship with a spath or not and sometimes we lie to keep the fantasy going, or to shade others from knowing we’re with them or that we’re believing all of their lies. This is universal. It doesn’t make us spath though, ya know?
Petitie, entitlement, self gratification, lack of remorse, lack of guilt, lack of empathy….as shown through his CONSISTENT behaviors….with his ex wife and with you….as welll as mine, his ex wives and with me and with this one too…..pathology DOESN”T CHANGE BECAUSE THERE IS NO CONSCIENCE!
That is MUCH MUCH different than some of the reasons we lie to hide or cover up for someone who is so sick.
I’m really doing okay. Just shared an opinion. It’s ok if it’s not agreed with. And I’m open to hearing the opinions of others too. May not agree with that either….but black and white doesn’t work in all situations. Star, yours may have been one of them. even though he was toxic FOR YOU. I totally get what you were saying about where you were in life and your responsibility in the reasons for the relationship with the alcoholic/controller, but I’m not to be the one to sit here and tell you that your experience is not just what it was for you. if you got that from me, I apologize.
I’m learning that sometimes, things just aren’t so cut and dry.
Peace!
LL
Dear LL,
thanks for the message. so glad to hear that you are well and it is encouraging for me to see how much progress you have made. I also plan to join some meditation, yoga classes.
enough of this jerk in my brain. I want to purge and puk him out altogether.
I agree with the above that you have said. you have been an immense help to me.
sleep well my dear friend.
petite
Petitie,
Well, my dear, when you make it over to my side of the universe, we will have our dinner to celebrate a spath free existence!
I’m proud of you. You’ve come a LONG LONG way!
I”m glad I could be of help Petitie. 🙂
LL
LL (and Star, correct me if I’m wrong)
I think the reason Star can explain things like she does is because she is a bit different from most of us here – she is not and never was a door mat. Not that she doesn’t have her own issues: abandonment is the one I see most.
But she doesn’t bend over and take it like I do!!!!
Her life is not wrapped up around people pleasing like mine was/is. That’s why she had issues with other people but didn’t actually get involved with a spath until that one from the Army and she booted him butt-quick! Sheeeeat! I wish I was you Star, it would’ve saved me 25+ years!!
I’m glad you’re here Star, you add a new perspective to the story of abuse. Thanks for sharing.
LL, I agree, a lie is a lie. Falsehoods can only do harm, even if un-intentional. We aren’t God and we can’t know the end result of leading people the wrong way. My spath’s mom didn’t tell him or his brothers that their father had been the cause of their divorce due to his multilpe cheating (he was a sociopath. I know this because she told me that when the spath was dying of cerebral menengites at age 9 months, his dad just sat in the easy chair relaxing and refused to drive them to the hospital. meanwhile she was holding him in a sink full of ice water to keep his brain from frying —-ARGH! he was enjoying the drama). anyway, my point being that the truth is God’s will. Lies are OUR will. Who wins?
Sky
I totally agree about Star too. I could not have said it better and obviously did not! I appreciate your input and perspective.
Not sure who wins, Sky. that’s a good question. I think in some ways we could all be accused of leading others the wrong way.
But I think the ultimate question really is: Whatya gonna do about it!
I’m not sure yet. I’m still processing a lot, not out for very long.
Sky, although I think it is real simple when it comes to spaths and their cronies: They live and feed off one another.
As far as PD’s go, right now, there is no cure, thus there is no hope.
But there is for us.
HUGS
LL
HI LL, Sky, and Star,
about spaths / narcissists and their cronies.
My jerk has a friend in Netherlands and he is always excited to meet him, they both have an interest in antiques and historical sites, so they go sight seeing at meetings. But more important is that his friend, who is also a surgeon, has also cheated on his wife a few times. so my jerk told me – “even M has cheated a few times on his wife”, it was as if it was Ok to cheat as we are all not perfct human beings. this was a warning sign right at the start for me and I did tell him, so if you have friends who are unfaithful – you wil think it is OK to do so and he gave me the bull crap, that he is now a changed man – crap, crap.
Another one is a female, not a surgeon, she is in allied health and attends our meetings. She is from Belgium, is married with kids and told the jerk how she and her hubby have also cheated on each other and she openly shows interest in wanting to go with my jerk, however, as she is far from a trophy in looks, my jerk was not interested and I think becoz she was not a challenge , as she volunteered to be with him by falling all over him at all times, he lost interest.
Both M and this female, hang out at meetings together with the jerk. As you said – they feed off each other.
Sky – jerk sent a email saying – “Petite, dear, given the distance etc and the concerns which you had rasied earlier – we should put the r-ship on hold. By “on hold” I mean that we take a break from the r-ship (a year or 2 or more) and have no commitments to each other, except that we can contact each other whenever we wish, as needed, to be that special person for the other”.
I replied – noted, yes, the long distance between us is not workbable.
Jerk that he is – I will never get back with him and currently I have been 6 whole days of NC – total NC and – friends – it feels good.
thanks to all of you.
petite
OMG Petite, that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I almost can’t post because I’m laughing tooooooooo hard.