Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Oxy and Star
Thanks for talking this through on this site. I appreciate BOTH your perspectives. Oxy, you’re so tough and so consistent on this. I give you so much credit.
I did indeed “break up” with him – but, I’ve done that previously like 75 times, so he’s thinking it won’t stick. It will stick this time. It will.
Star, to your point, I think I need to think about my failed “no contact’ strategy differently. I’ve been beating myself up all weekend – mad that I let him get through to me on Friday. I think I need to think differently and give myself credit. I’m not texting back to him 50 times a day, I’m making progress moving away from him, and I’m going to continue to do so with the help of my therapist and of all of you.
This is a learning from Oxy too – she had a relative show up to pick up a piece of art and realized it was a breach of NC – she’s not beating herself up too badly, it’s not irrecoverable. Right?
Superkid10
Whoa….I was typing a post and it disappeared right before my eyes…..must be all those drugs in my 20’s….
Thanks for all the posts! First of all, LL, I so glad that you get free massages! This is awesome, and it will help a lot I’m sure. I have two jobs and still cannot afford a decent massage – it drives me nuts. What kind of insurance covers it? I want to get that kind of insurance! You sound very good, LL. I enjoy reading your posts and the way you describe your process. I see you as well on the road to recovery with a good support system. Support systems are tougher for me, because, as has been pointed out, I dont’ really fit into any category or relate to many people unfortunately.
As for the clarifications about my life, I will say that my life has not followed the path of many of yours, but I most certainly was a doormat in my younger years. In college, I let my roommates walk all over me. I had no assertiveness skills whatsoever and little self-esteem. But my life has had many twist and turns, and I’ve dated a lot of men, many who were actually very good men. I was a mess in my 20’s while a graduate student and tended to make a mess of my life and all my relationships. Abandonment/jealousy has (on my part) ruined it for me every time, not that I can say I was truly in love with the majority of them. I was able to work some layers of it out with a few of my boyfriends, and I learned a lot from all of them. Besides the alcoholic, there were a few PhD students who were older than me and very good to me, a few nice, stable guys from the Buddhist meditation retreats (who are still friends), the psychic transvestite from hell, the child molestor (who was definitely personality disordered I think an N), and the one I believed I would marry – the CPA alpha-personality guy I lived with for 3 years – who dumped me very cruelly while we were living together. I’ve also had many affairs and a few almost-serious relationships. The sociopath from 2008 was merely a blip on my radar screen. But from him, I learned that they exist and how to spot them. Sometimes I tolerated bad behaviors from men because I lacked the financial means to get out. I was often financially dependent on the men I dated, which was dysfunctional from the get-go. I had no resources or family to turn to and no money. When I ended up in the dv shelter after an argument with the alcoholic, it was because I had nowhere else to go, not because I was afraid of him. I did not feel like I belonged there, and the counselor there diagnosed me as a borderline PD. It was not my first brush with that diagnosis.
Unbeknownst to me, I had taken out the limit of student loans when I was almost done with grad school in San Franciso. Then I had some other bad things happen which I won’t mention and became seriously depressed. I dropped out of school, moved from San Francisco to Colorado to visit a friend, and almost married him (we are still friends). I never went back to school or worked in any field requiring a college degree. I filed bankruptcy when I was 30. I was able to get out of the student loans on a psychiatric reason, which saved my life. I honestly was so messed up I was not able to work except very marginally for years. In spite of my emotional difficulties, I was very bright – gifted in fact – and had a huge wanderlust. I spent a year studying and traveling abroad in Europe when I was 19. It really influenced me obviously, since I still love to travel and wish to settle down in another culture.
In the time I’ve lived in Colorado, I’ve done temp work, been an office manager, a stripper, and a lead singer in a rock band, and at times have been on food stamps. I’ve also sold frozen meat off the back of a truck and delivered pizzas. I lived in the ghetto (where I had my first apartment by myself when I was about 30, and where I bought my first condo at about 33. One step’s place reminds me a lot of my first condo.
At 50, my life is stable and has been for years, except that I tend to live a little beyond my means because I like clothes and I like to travel. I buy clothes even though I cannot afford to go anywhere to wear them except work. I stress a lot over money, and this is one of the reasons I want to move to Costa Rica. The cost of living is much lower there, and I wouldn’t feel like I was poor all the time like I feel here.
I have had some near misses to relationships in the last 10 years and, frankly, some of the best sex of my life – that I seemed to miss out on in my 20’s and 30’s. I don’t know where you would include the sociopath in there; that was like a really bizarre chapter that I hope never to repeat. None of those recent relationships stuck for various reasons – they were not meant to, but I was able to enjoy them more than when I was in my 20’s. I would like to have a healthy, lasting relationship with a man before I die. I don’t know if I will ever be capable. I figure if I just work on being grounded and finding people I can connect with, the rest will work itself out.
I hope this helps clarify some confusion. I don’t talk much about my past here except as it pertains to my healing and what I went through with the sociopath.
For Skylar, trust me – you don’t want to be me, and you don’t want my life. It is not as glamorous and great as you think. I’ve dealt with a lot of pain and loneliness, and I still do. I don’t see it as a competition. We all have our unique challenges we face in our lives. I truly believe I was at one point a borderline personality disorder. I still have those tendencies. They say that if a BPD survives into their 40’s and 50’s they usually overcome the disorder. And this is what is happening. But it’s been a long, rocky road, believe me. BPD’s have many gifts to offer if they can overcome their abandonment issue. I am starting to understand those gifts.
Superkid, for what it’s worth, I’m very proud of you for the positive changes you are making. I didn’t realize how much you were beating yourself up for talking to your spath. So forgive yourself at once. 🙂 Did you read all the horrendous mistakes I’ve made in my life?
Love,
Star
gem – finding a place here is very difficult. there is a very low vacancy rate; it is a town dominated by crappy expensive student housing and no laws around smoking in shared buildings. the landlords don’t do much as they don’t have to. i was shocked the first time i looked for a place here 4 years ago – i called 60, yup 60 landlords and only 20 even bothered to call back.
I have few resources – it’s $2000 to move. don’t have it. don’t have a car to go looking. don’t have access to a car to go looking. scared to death to find yet another lousy place -one that has mold in it, and lousy smoking noisy neighbors. i think it would break me.
i also don’t have a job as of friday. on top of this, moving is the most anxiety producing thing in the world for me. truly. and it always has been. i saw a counsellor once who said that it sounding like moving was a harder decision than breaking up with the person i was going out with. it was, and it still is.
I want so much to move out of the city – and was hoping to stick this place out until i could. but i don’t think i can.
i know i am feeling self pity – instead of rising to the challenge i am feeling frightened. the biggest issue is supply – decent places are very very hard to find, and so is a permanent job.
‘one room bedsits’ almost don’t exist here, and the ones that do are either is very high priced builidngs (and cost as much as a one or two bedroom place elsewhwre – so no money savings) or are in the student area, and are gross and noisy. I am loath to get rid of the little i have left – but i do have some pieces of furniture from my mom which i want to hold on to – and my art supplies. with a one room place i would have to let all of that go.
so, that’s a bit of background. i just feel sad and overwhelmed today. i am going to get out of the house for a few hours. the landlord has been outside my window running power tools all morning and i am about done in.
on the bright side – i am going to my garden now, for the first time this year. but i feel like i am running away and i hate that – the no safe place thing. rats, i was trying to be positive and there are just more and more layers of not positive seeping out.
self absorbed, self pitying, sad and feeling powerless. i am sure i will be in a much better place after a few hours a the garden.
hi star,
please keep envisioning a better place for me to live. I really appreciate it.
I put up with it because i can only deal with so much at one time, and because i lack the money to move forward/ out.
to the garden i go!
Star, many victims demonstrate borderline traits of abandonment issues…well, like maybe BECAUSE they have been abandoned.
Becoming AWARE of the issues and working on them, working on controlling the up and down emotions, the black and white, the love/hate reactions CAN improve your life and your functioning. It is not a “life sentence” like with a psychopath. SOME (not all) people who have borderline tendencies were TRAINED that way and waht can be TRAINED can be UN-trained. So don’t think you are stuck in this mind set.
One step,
Have you considered expanding your job search to include places out of state? Just thinking outside the box here. Maybe there are some smaller towns you could live in and a job that would pay your moving expenses. There has got to be a way out for you. I think if you can figure out a plan, the remainder of your lease may be more bearable.
Visualizing what you want is very powerful. I had just watched the movie “The Secret” when I had the following experience (I may have mentioned it):
I was looking for another place to rent to get out of my condo, which I’m very upside down on. I saw an ad in CL for one that was $650 a month to rent. It was in a very nice part of town in a very exclusive red brick midrise building. When I saw the condo for rent, it was more luxurious than anything I’d ever seen! It had two bedrooms and a huge den, two bathrooms, a curved balcony with views of the mountains. I couldn’t believe it was only $650 a month. So I asked the owner, “Are you sure this is only $650 a month?” To this, he replied, “No it’s $1650 a month.” My heart sank. He DID have a dumply little place that was $650 a month, so we had miscommunicated. I asked him (goofing around) if he had a rich friend he could set me up with so we could rent this place together. Then I went to look at his dumpy $650 place. But I couldn’t get the $1650 place off my mind. I started thinking about how I could get some wealthy massage clients in that building and how that would cover the extra $1000 in rent. I was trying to think of ways to live there.
A few weeks later, a very handsome and well-spoken guy contacted me on the dating site. We started chatting. He told me he lived in a red brick high-rise building in the tech center. Well guess which building he lived in? I couldn’t believe it. Denver is a huge place.
I wish I could say this story had a happy ending, but the truth is I felt intimidated by him and did not pursue the relationship. If I had, I may possibly be living in that luxury condo. The mind is very powerful.
Petitie???
His wife thought he’s a narcissist? HOLY COW!!!!!
WOW! I wish my ex’s ex wife had sent such a HUGE calling card my way like that! How validating is THAT?
And she should know, Petitie!!! She’s RIGHT!
THAT for you, should be a source of MAJOR insight and a BLESSING in disguise!
LL
Star,
I totally agree with Oxy about that. I often think BPD is a “consequence” as to growing up in a very dysfunctional situation.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading about the fallout from spaths, including those of us who have been raised by them. MANY are diagnosed as BPD. MANY overcome it!
I’m still up in the air about the medicinal aspects of it, but I DO think that psychotherapy and very compassionate self care, including cognitive behavioral approaches, meditation, massage, or whatever works for that person can help to heal it and overcome it.
Star, I know your life is/has been quite different than many of us here. But I’ve learned a lot from your experiences that you share. Your growth, insight, and continued personal development are amazing, given what you grew up with. Your life has been very VERY full and you did the best you could to survive it all.
I’m on state insurance. Just really fortunate to have a doc who believes in naturopathic medicine and advocated for having masssage therapists in her office to help her pain patients. Because I have fibro, and with all the stress I’m under, this will be a tremendous relief! I’m very excited about it. Star, you”re kinda in between a rock and a hard place, I think, you make too much but not enough…..that places really sucks!
I’m so proud of you though. You’ve made huge strides in personal growth and insight!
LL
(((((((((((((((( onesy ))))))))))))))))))))
It’s okay that you’re feeling this way. Change seems to be on the horizon. Is it you that lives just up the freeway from me? Or rather down? I know a couple of you live either in the same state or one state away….
If you live close enough to me and you feel comfortable, I would be happy to drive you around to find a place. It’s really tough without a vehicle, to implement the changes you might need to make.
What are your skills? Job skills, etc? If you were to move to a bigger city, would that help your job prospects much or?
HOw long are you bound to your lease? Is there a way to be released from it for health reasons?
Just a few questions to understand better what you’re dealing with or potentially wanting to do. I understand your fear of moving. I don’t have answers for that though. I want to get out of where I live so bad and I’m having a hard time finding anything, but if i did, I’d be gone in a second!
Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
LL