Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
I hope you answered: “YES”. The worse thing is…if I had met the jerk you describe I would nearly have been thankful to him for showing what he really is so clearly and so early! Instead of conning me into believing he was a gentleman like the sociopath did…Sure that one you met wasn’t very good at manipulation!! Like you I was so disappointed that I had a phase when I believed all the feminist extremists from the 70s were right after all. I’m more optimistic now – I think most men are predators, not all of them…
Ladies,
Please don’t be discouraged. There are many fine, upstanding men out there who are not predators.
Anyone who is recently out of a relationship with a sociopath should take a break from dating for awhile. These relationships make us too angry, too reactive, too suspicious.
Yes, there are predators and run-of-the-mill jerks. Yes, we need to be able to recognize them. But if we expect that every male we meet will be toxic, then that is what we will find.
Donna, I so agree, not all men are spaths and predators. My lovely darling husband of 25 years is so good to me. Id moved in with him in 1983, and i came home from my teaching job, to find,
a} he was washing the kitchen floor,
b} He hada gin and tonic cooling for me in the fridge,
c] hed made shepherds pie, his speciality,
and d] I went into my bedroom, and hed folded all my panties and they were in a neat pile on my bed.
{To explain, altho wed had sex, I wanted my own room, and I wanted to pay him rent, as I didnt want to feel like a “kept woman”. The rent was peppercorn and tiny, but D knew it was important to me to pay it, and retain some independence at that stage.
I burst in to tears when I saw the folded pants, and he said,
“Whats wrong, Darling?”
I said,”Nothing! No-one has ever folded my underwear in my LIFE except for my Mum, ages ago!”
He said “Its nothing!”
I said,
“Believe me darling its NOT nothing”. When youve been married to an alcoholic slob for 19 years, with two destructive, abusive teenagers, Nothing it certainly wasnt!
I think it takes a real man to help cook, do the ironing sometimes, peg out the washing, and still be cute, loving, sexy
and gorgeous at 76!!
How lucky am I?
he is Gods reward to me for years and years of living with spaths!
Were looking forward to a wonderful Xmas with our new “kids”, seeing my gorgeous SIL, and the 3 precious kids,
and as for my girls, I have given them to God.
Have a wonderful Xmas, everyone! And a Spath free, healthy, safe, and prosperous new Year 2010!!!
Love, and {{HUGS!!}}} Gem.XXXX
Eileen.. I saw warnings on the first date with this man …. I was checking him out further on the second and BAM! Yes.. he was obvious as a manipulator and abuser..
Donna.. I have to beg to differ..I have been away from my last S for a year so it is not too soon to be dating and I have been dating off and on for awhile… and I am telling you.. I see signs in all of them.. the least of which is controlling…
I had a horrible break up with a man that I loved dearly that a was a narcissist and this was around 8 years ago.. I was alone for about five years and sure I went out some.. but had no desire to be with a man.. then an old friend came in and we had a fun three months.. then I meet this last man … and he appeared to be one of the nicest, good guys.. so spiritual, so moral, and so in love with me.. and such a good guy to his mother and on and on…but he came upon me too fast and was telling me that he loved me too fast and calling my home “Our home” and asked me to marry him too fast.. but he was handsome, and so attentive to me that it was too much. .. so I slowed it down. I have a good support system and my friends while they liked him were suspicious.. as it was all to fast… and they knew what I had been through. As it revealed itself.. the day that he moves into my house, I discover that he was being evicted.. so I of course, question does he love me or is he needing a place to live.. but he works hard and he treats me great and we talk and talk.. it wasn’t until his daughter and I meet that I see this family is weighted down with issues.. and I felt suffacated.. but I hand in there.. again this man and I make this great appearing couple.. and as the time goes on .. he begins to show his verbal abuse and it is very subtle.. I just feel icky and can’t put my finger on it.. then I talk to my friends and it becomes clearer and clearer.. so I pull away from him and it’s over.. now we communicate some.. but that was a long while ago.. so I begin to date and to live again.. and any and every man that I get to the second date with shows signs of manipulation, control etc… EVERY MAN! I kid you not.. Ugly, hadnsome, tall, rich, middle class.. EVERYONE.. even men that I interact on a business level… I do’nt know if it’s the economy or a sign of the times.. but what I am seeing is bad news … I am a strong woman and I am told that I am good looking and but I am kind and caring but I won’t put up with BS…and it is like they try to woo me .. then they start pulling this BS and I call them on it or just fade away… I think this latest on brought something clearer to me.. I am pretty so a man just assumes that I am dumb or puts me in this category and off he goes.. I don’t know because I know that some men consider me off putting because I am so independent..
then others are attracted by this… I am telling you .. I give up.. I won’t compromise myself ever again.. and often I d something to see how they will react…
Now, this last on waited about a year before the abusive side came out and I think it was when he realized that ‘it’ wasn’t working with me.. I wasn’t buying what he was selling…
Gemini Girl.. I am happy for you..
But I had a guy who did all that for me like you have and he even turned out to be a total sicko…
He would cook for me while l layed on the sofa in front of the fireplace and I never felt so safe with him… we were together for 4 years.. but when I moved into his house.. finally with plans to marry.. but he would show signs of a temper so I was being cautious.. after we got all the furniture in place and I was resting.. his mood and behavior turned into a crazed animal and I left in five days..and moved out.. my heart was so broken that it took me 5 ears to get past this.. and I am friendly with his ex wife and she told me that he did the same with her and we stayed in touch becuase she appreaciated how well I cared for her two boys and that he behaved better to them when I was around..I knew none of this until I did.. this man was movie star handsoem and I adored him.. but he did drugs behind my back.. I NEVER SAW IT EVER! but when I was there 42/7 he couldn’t hide it from me and he cracked for some reason..
so I am happy for you..and I hope it all works wonderfully for you..
but for me .. even what looks great turns UGLY … I still have love for this man and I would bet that he still loves me.. his ex even says this.. but he would’ve destroyed me so .. I left him.. then six years later I have this latest one.. totally different men but the SAME!
YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!
I meant 24/7.. I type so fast on here.. I make so many errors..
I don’t want to believe what I see.. but I am living it..
but what is one womans disaster is another’s dreamboat..
maybe I expect too much.. but I am not going to change at this late date.. settle.. and be taken advantage of..
it’s like men don’t respect the essence of a woman while they need and desire what she has so badly..
Look at Tiger Woods…. I was at the PGA two years ago and saw he and his wife.. they appeared a lovely couple, but look at what was going on… Tiger even stayed next door to the man I was with in the pool house.. and he commented they he never goes out.. but will move to a hotel suite when his wife arrives…
It’s like it is all being revealed.. the facades of the personas…
Style1 – I think what you might be referring to with the dates is a symptom of the changed dating landscape. People don’t tend to date exclusively then commit to one another these days – well some do but they are in the minority. A larger proportion of the population is seeking no strings attached sex or friends with benefits or a ‘discreet’ liaison. It’s incredible to me that the landscape has changed so much in such a short time. I too have been out on a few dates …. they were good men but didn’t really know what they were looking for and the sexual suggestions came up in the first date or second.
I don’t know the answer – certainly not the whole population is Spath! But there are a lot of people around who just want to get their kicks without strings attached. You are right in staying away from them – after we have been devastated by one of these relationships, the heart is very vulnerable and needs to be treated gently. I wonder if it is better to find a Christian dating group – not a website because everyone can lie on those and appear to be something they are not.
Don’t give up hope! There are good men out there. I have backed off from dating and am now forming platonic friendships with men – it is helping to change my assumptions about them. When I approach them as friends it is quite a different ballgame. I helped a friend move house yesterday – the intimacy involved in that activity was more than can be found in dating. I went through all his special things to pack them and met his dad and mum (they were helping too!). For me although it is a banal activity, I felt honored that he counted me enough of a friend to let me see him in a mess – not the perfect guy, but a guy struggling with a stressy situation. There was warmth there and support and great appreciation from him. I am filling myself up with these friendship activities so it shows me not all men are like my ex. Not all men are exploiters. Not all men are selfish. When I compared this friend’s behaviour and attitude with the likely way my ex would have been through moving, there was just no comparison. My ex would have been disorganised, rude, selfish and would have blamed me for everything. My friend on the other hand gave me easy tasks to do (on account of my bad back), thanked me profusely as I did them and then took me out for coffee with him and his dad to say thankyou for cleaning out his kitchen cupboards and packing the glasses.
I don’t know what it is about friendship, but it feels better right now than dating. Dating is all about expectations and false personas. Being friends and not sexually involved means both parties can be authentically themselves with no pressure. I could fart around him if I needed to and he wouldn’t think any the less of me! It’s filling up and blotting out all the memories I had of the ex when I think about men. It’s giving me some good memories with men and making me a bit more confident that I can relate positively to men and we can have fun together without there being sex or expectations there. I wonder if you might find it the same?
On the subject of Spath behaviours – what we look for we will find. We all know research can be manipulated to bring out conclusions the researcher WANTS to find there. And so it is the same in life – what we look for we will find. I am looking for men friends who are upstanding, warm, generous, funny and real … and I am finding it. When I look for deceit, signs of untrustworthinesss, possession … I can find those things when I date if I look hard enough. COmments can be interpreted in many ways to give me evidence to back up my case. So consider what you are looking for that you find and think about attracting some new male friends that you can get to know in depth – you never know – you might find your Prince that way! At least you would know the REAL him through friendship rather than not knowing much about someone you’re dating. Just a suggestion 🙂
I LOVE the Christmas titles!! What a hoot! Here;s one I’d like to see:
On the first day of Christmas my psychopath gave to me …
a yucky case of fungal nail infection
On the 2nd day of Christmas my psychopath gave to me…
two debtors letters and
a yucky case of fungal nail infection
On the 3rd day of CHristmas my psychopath gave to me …
three dirty looks
two debtors letters and
a yucky case of fungal nail infection
On the 4th day of Christmas my psychopath gave to me …
four hours of rage
three dirty looks
two debtors letters and
a yucky case of fungal nail infection
On the 5th day of CHristmas my psychopath gave to me …
five family dramas!
four hours of rage
three dirty looks
two debtors letters and
a yucky case of fungal nail infection
Your turn! Happy holidays everyone – even if alone, we are better off than the SPN who has no soul with which to appreciate this period of the year.
Pollyannanomore, that was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
I’m going into the holiday with a sociopath on my mind. Not the one that brought me to the site, but one I had a brief crush on for a few days last week from my reptile site. We talked twice, and I felt my heart open like it never has. I longed for him and missed him. When it appeared he was playing a few of us women, he started messaging me to tell me I’m the one he really wants and that nothing happened with the other woman and that she is lying. I must say it was pretty convincing. Her story was quite different. I wanted so much to believe him. But even if he was telling the truth, he still showed too many red flags. Thing is, after being a member here for so long, I KNEW he way lying, convincing as he tried to be. He even tried to send me documentation, and he admitted on the public forum that I was the one he had feelings for. Sadly, it was all too late because I had him figured out early on, thanks to Lovefraud.
The only thing is, I can’t make this longing go away. I hate it. Even though I know what he is, I’m still thinking about him. I totally get why it’s so hard to walk away from them. What IS this spell they cast on us? He kept telling me I was the one he was interested in, and I wanted so badly to believe him.
Looking forward to a very lonely Xmas this year.
Seriously, how can you get “hooked in” to someone in a matter of two phone calls over a 5-day period? I feel like this sick freak cast some sort of spell on me.
Hooked on someone after a couple of phone calls.. yeah right!Take a hot bath and have a good night’s sleep.. and get over it…