Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Dear Deceived,
I’m sorry that you have had a hard time of it. The whole healing thing is such a process, there are days when I just get the crampy feeling in my stomach when I try to process all of the gaslighting that went on.
Are you taking care of yourself? Going out and being a part of a group (i.e. book club) that you can connect with?
As soon as I’m done with school this semester I’m taking one semester off to clear out the house and do some stuff. Exercise classes, yoga, re-grout the bathrooms, tear down some wall paper. I know I will have to keep busy otherwise the emptiness will take over.
Get out there and find a purpose, the spath can’t take that from you. The hate you feel for him is filling your heart and you need to put other things there to push out the hate.
A relationship with yourself has got to be the most loving relationship you have then you will find room for more good things.
I need to tell myself the same thing, I think loving ourselves has got to be the hardest thing to do. We are so conditioned to put ourselves aside that the spath could mold us into whatever they wanted. Too bad it wasn’t our true selves.
Don’t let him take anymore from you, now is the time to let him go and don’t give him another thought. He doesn’t deserve it.
This is a great post. I love all of the posts but this one I needed today.
I feel so abandoned and heart broken on days that I am bored.
My socio had a son and we were together for two and a half years. I feel like I went from being a mom/wife since we talked of marriage and had a ring made to nothing. That was really hard for me. My whole life was centered around my x and his son.
It is really sad that these people are able to suck the life out of us and take us for such an emotional roller coaster that we have to end up on a website to cope with our feelings and have a group of support. How can these humans be like this? I know the answer to this question but am just typing my feelings on this blog. I feel like writing and reading is the only thing giving me strength. There are days where I cannot get out of bed becaue the pain is too great in my heart.
I loved this spath more than anything in the world. I have to step back and understand I loved the illusion of it becasue it was a game. He created the perfect man for me because he knew that it was what I wanted. He knew there was no way in hell I would love the real him. The person who lied, was addicted to porn sites, stole from his parents, addicted to pain pills, can’t keep a job, went to jail for a year, lies, lies, lies…..unfortunately that is the real person that he is.
That is so weird to me as a normal person that these people can even sleep or breathe. I could never live with myself if I screwed people over every day and ripped the souls and heart out of my family members and loved ones chests.
I know that in time my heart will mend itself and that I will be okay. I have learned that trust is earned and not to believe everything you hear. I will never let someone abuse me mentally or verbally again. I feel so alone today and so sad. I think that it is so weird that after I called him out on all of his bold faced lies and deception he never tried contacting me again. I know I should be thankful for that but the small part of me inside wants him to email or text me so the power is back in my court and I can do the ignoring. I feel powereless.
I have not seen him since October and have not talked to him in 9 days because I have relapsed NC a few times through texts and I called him once. The last time I called him my stomach dropped. His voice was a voice I have never heard before. It sounded happy, refreshed and full of life. Alomost like he got rid of me and all of the feelings associated with the lies he had to maintain to be with me. Hearing his voice so new and refreshed crushed me but also reminded me that it must be his new self. The new self he has created to move on with his life.
I will be off for a few weeks during Christmas time and need to keep busy so I don’t get depressed. I am nervous about not being at work for like 18 days because it keeps my mind off of the abuse I endured for so long.
I hope all of you are doing well and staying strong.:) Thanks for listening!!
Happy belated birthday Oxy!!!
Dear Seriously,
Thanks for the BD wishes, I think it is one of the best I have ever had as it is P–FREE!
NC helps us to get our feet back under us and you will get your feet back under you, and you will learn from this and grow! Stay NC and if you think about contacting him just think “Ohhh, if I do that Oxy will BOINK me a good one with the cyber skillet!@” then LAUGH and say, HE IS NOT WORTH THE TOE JAM BETWEEN MY TOES! and Laugh some more! Just visualize him as “toe jam” and oozing between the toes of some monster creature! Laughing at them takes the power back from them! You can do it! NC forever!!!! (((hugs)))) Happy TOWANDA!!!!!
Deceived –
“After 2 years I am still single and alone ”“ unable to trust myself and others”unable to give myself to anyone. And I resent him for that with all my heart”
Sweetie IMHO you NEED at least 2 years post-spath to get yourself right again, let alone get into anything with someone else (at least I think you do if it was a long-term and/or very complicated entanglement). I felt EXACTLY the way you describe, 2 years post-spath.
For me, it’s now coming up for 4 since he left, and 3 1/2 since I took him back but then had to get the police to remove him after only a few weeks. The only contact I’ve had since has been through court battles HE keeps initiating or causing, which forces me to see him (I have no choice in that).
He is still a thorn in my side but my perspective about him has changed now – and all of that happened during the 3rd year – so hang in there, it will come. The upside is that we DID need to learn to be more discriminating and now we have. We DID need to just spend time caring for ourselves – and now we have. Try to take advantage of this time on your own to do something YOU want to do – take a course, renovate your house, learn to paint, plant a vege garden – whatever floats your boat.
The pain and the awful feeling of not trusting yourself will pass.
This was NOT like other failed relationships, where the possibility of blame might lie on both sides. This was DOOMED from the start – he never intended to hang around, so nothing you did was ever going to alter that fact or effect his Masterplan. You could have been the best partner in the universe – it would have made no difference, because it was never about you; it was only ever about him. The relationship ALWAYS had a built-in “use-by” date that you could not possibly have known about.
Close your eyes, breathe deeply and KNOW that this is true. xx
Hi Aussie, Katy, LL, Sky, Schic,
I felt so down in Sydney last week where I was for a conference, He was not there. I missed him like crazy, there is this huge vaccuum in me,
I cannot fill it with anything. His emails with sweet words are what i miss, I
miss his words, his sweet talk to me. I spoke to him once while in Sydney
regarding a lecture, was only a few mins, I wept and told him how much I missed
him. He said he did not know what to say when I weep and that his mind goes
blank. He also said the distance between us is a problem and we both agreed.
Anyway, this is a bad time, this week last year was the first time I met him in
USA at an annual meeting and now the meeting will start from tomorrow till Sunday, I decided not to go as I would be in a difficult situation if I saw him in person. Now my heart aches to know that I am not there with him and he will be love bombing
someone else and giving my dream to her, it tears me apart to think that he
will be cosy and cuddly with her, I know he is bad for me, a liar and a cheater
and yet I miss him so much.
please advice me, why do I want to so much be with him, knowing that he lies, and
once with him, I will be in a state of perpetual fear that he is talking to
other women and yet I want to be with him so much. somehow, I feel defeated and
I think the next girl will win and I will become a laughing stock as I lost and
could not get the eligible guy. yes, a dishonest guy, but what if he changes
for her and makes her life – happily ever after and I will be miserable as ever.
petite
Hi petite, you were so very much in love with the dream, the fantasy he presented,
I too have lived through that, much sadness, it eventually fades away,
but I must admit I still feel a teeny bit of sadness sometimes, and miss him too.
I don’t really envy the other women he must be trying to love bomb,
I know it’s all a lie and that the other women are not aware of the lies.
I am glad I resisted going back with him, for I surely would be miserable now.
Don’t imagine in your thoughts that he is going to change!!!! He might present an image of
happily ever after with someone, but you know he’s cheating and lying.
Give yourself time to grieve and know that this will pass.
Be content that you spared yourself 20 years of misery with him.
Knowing the type of person he is, you would not have been happy married to him.
When your instinct tells you something is wrong and you go ahead with it anyway,
you end up losing yourself and accepting bad treatment that slowly
starts to eat you up and you want to get out. That’s more heartbreak.
You protected yourself, rescued yourself,
that’s something we usually want someone else to do for us,
it’s not easy, but you did it. Love yourself.
I’ve got to go now… God Bless. xoxoxoxo
(((( Petitie! )))))
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I understand it though.
One of the encouraging things that I can say to you, is what Shabby already eluded too: You’re saving yourself. What this tells me is that you KNOW IN YOUR HEART, that he’s bad for you. That he’s just a bad guy. It’s more about the fantasy petitie. Not reality. If you were still with him, you’d still be trying to untwist his ever present verbal knots and mind games. It’s too much for anyone to bear. Mine is with someone new now. I go through similar emotions, but have learned to try to dumb it down a bit with “he’s lying to her….” I already got proof of that though. If they SEEM happy, it’s because they’re high on POWER and CONTROL….dominance. They can’t love. You can.
You know that. That saves you. But it won’t save HER. Be thankful it’s not you, Petitie. Love bombing will be replaced soon enough with hell bounding!
LL
Hi LL, Schic,
thanks a lot.
I remember lesson how you felt torn apart in pieces at the thought of him lovebombing someone, that is how I feel, excatly the same. yes, i feel he is givng my dream to someone and i want to keep that dream going so so badly for me.
Love bombing will be replaced with hell bounding. – if i can only remember that and that he will lie to her also.
yes, the ever present verbal knots and mind games have no end to them.
yes, I think I am chasing the fantasy at all costs, I need to look at the truth.
thanks a lot.
petite
Petite ~ He will be giving your NIGHTMARE to someone else.
Your dream, is still yours. But first, some time for grieving, and healing. Give yourself time. You deserve so much more that to be with someone who does not have the ability to be the loving caring man that you need in your life. (((HUGS)))
(((( Petitie )))))) Sweet thang! You’re going to be okay…..
So having said that, I guess this is as good a place as any to share what’s going on with me, perhaps the crux of it all…it minimizes my spath, Petitie, but it also makes him symbolic in my life right now….for change……….
I have a great faith in God. I have felt that God is not near lately through a string of events, that I now see as potentially His love for me, even through so much grief and pain….
So I was denied financial Aid at school. No surprise after having withdrawn all but one class last term. I had withdrawn last year as well, to deal with my daughter who was very pregnant and in a dangerous situation with a blood disorder, and my ex sex offender son, to which clarification was about to happen with my other son that he offended………anyway…they approved that appeal last year. I submitted documentation this time, in the form of a letter written by my Psychologist (who is no longer, having gone on to greener pastures in private practice), as well as my own letter for accompaniment. I had a feeling…..just this feeling that it would be denied. I was on pins and needles. I had signed up for all my spring term classes……halfheartedly, although I could not admit this to myself…I couldn’t FAIL…I was prideful. Very. I did not want to face my past. I wanted to bury the pain of my spath, as well as the chronic abuse and anxiety, depression and PTSD that has haunted me the majority of my life. Multiple trauma. Chronic PTSD. That meant failure to me. I was SO STRONG! I mean SHOOT, I raised six kids alone, survived an abused filled childhood, nothing but abusive, pathological men since….I wasn’t going to let THAT deter me! Yes, all my friends were saying, “YOU”RE SO STRONG, YOU CAN DO THIS! MY GOD! YOU DO IT ALL AND GIVE TO EVERYONE!”…but they didn’t know, and I didn’t want to believe, that I had run out of gas in the middle of the mojave desert…
I could not fail. I would NOT fail. I was going to GO COMPLETELY AGAINST my spath daddy’s assertions that I would NEVER complete anything and would ALWAYS FAIL! FUCK HIM! I pridefully thought….
So when my appeal was denied, at the same time, ex P was put into jail again for a parole violation…I saw that coming..knew it would….I just preferred denial…because I could weather ANY storm and make it through school with my student loans and grants and a GOOD HEAD on my shoulders coupled with determination to MAKE IT THROUGH IT! BULLDOZE IT BABY!
In two days time, I lost everything. I lost my means for survival. But most importantly, I lost my denial. There it was in my face….the rage and anger at God….at myself….WTF was going on here????
More devastation….fallout from spath….or so it seemed…….
But that was only the tip of the ice berg. I had to face my past. I’ve had nightmares, severe dissociation.
I had to apply for government assistance to get real care. My first appointment was yesterday. Thank GOD for a kind woman who was there. I cried through almost the entire interview. No more denial. Only pain. Years and years of pain. The tears keep coming. The reality of the damage. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I had been so unkind to myself. I listened to what my father said to me all of those years. I’ve carried patterns and habits that were self sabotaging. I lied to myself and others. I CAN DO THIS! I GOT MY BIG GIRL PANTIES ON!
Not really. They were cotton candy underwear. Eaten alive by spaths.
Pride was all I had left. I had nothing else. Narcissistic as it was. But God’s plans were bigger….my pride had to go, as well as my perceived strength…..I hated that bastard as I sat in that office yesterday. HATED him. HATED ALL OF THEM. HATED MYSELF THE MOST! Shame is what I wear on my backside. Everyday of my life. The shame I carry for myself and the shame of others slimed upon me through years of psychopathic abuse.
Of course I miss him, Petitie. Of course I do. It was FAMILIAR! It was PATHOLOGICAL…it was gasoline to fire. My familiarity with spath dynamics served all of my spaths well. And I was willing to actively participate in my denial to take the biggest lie and make it the truth. It wasn’t. It was a lie. Abandonment, cruelty, sexual, emotional, physical, all across the board….that’s all I knew…..
I have patterns and behaviors now that I recognize for what they are and were. The true, awful, horrendous damage done. The absolute astonishing pain. The intensive grieving…
So today we had to have a “holistic assessment” to determine our need for benefits. Several “partners” from several agencies were there and we were to meet them one on one….and we did and guess what? They deemed me unfit for work at the moment…unfit for school……I met with a DV specialist who is plugging me into a safety plan to keep me safe from my spath as I remain a client through his agency. It’s the first time I’ve told anyone outside of the agency itself or my close friends, a perfect stranger, who he was and where he worked. She had kind eyes. I cried through that as well. Unable to hold back the tears. A new level of humility for me. I meet with her on Friday. I will also be plugged into support groups for women who have suffered childhood trauma as well as domestic violence. Then I met with the mental health specialist that I am to meet in the morning to assess potential therapists who have extensive knowledge of trauma survivors. She can apparently get through on a level that was not possible for me with waiting lists. She sees my need. And my pain.
I got my grant for assistance. All of it. Cash, medical and food. It’s humiliating, still. But I’m also grateful. Would any of the spaths help to take care of the damage they created and the healing I would need because of it? I doubt it.
I have an appointment with my doctor too, who supports my need for therapy, intensive and extensive.
My benefits are indefinite.
So the things I held so dear, are all gone now. I’m now faced with myself. It sucks when you don’t like yourself too much. I understood each of my spaths (which I’ve realized has gotten me into TONS of trouble with “presentations” and being stuck on that), when they said or showed that what was MOST important in the world was monetary success. It’s not entirely untrue, because we live in a society that supports it too. It was my trap.
And I’m still caught in it.
But at the same time, there is a level of great peace and relief. I can take the time to research further, to read more, to go to my support groups, to get the therapeutic services I desperately need and I have the support of my doctor. I can take the time to smell the roses, even if it’s cheap. I can take the time to really enjoy and get to know my grandchildren and be more involved in my own children’s lives while they were emotionally neglected.
But I am in GREAT pain facing my past.
So here’s the message I think I got from God today…
“I’m going to take care of you, LL. You won’t be living on lovely property. You won’t be able to buy your kids new clothes. Or even cut your hair. But you WILL heal…and while you’re doing that I WILL MEET YOUR NEEDS!”.
Maybe for now, that’s all that’s necessary.
This cannot be a failure, all of this. I didn’t deserve the abuse. Any of it. But I’m an adult now, and it’s time I faced reality and deal with it accordingly. Somehow, Petitie, doing that, removes the power of spath….facing these pains………..
Maybe for some, not for all, there is pain in the past.
That’s where all the fantasies come with regards to spath.
So, Petitie, only you know you, but let me ask you this….what voices from your past are feeding that fantasy that you need healing for, if any? Because that’s where the truth really lies.
((((((((((( Petitie ))))))))))))))))) BIG HUGS!
LL