Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever.
“Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles” so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow.
Trouble is, when I’m in trouble I ‘always’ think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I’m in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself to quit moving through the turmoil because it is a forever deal. I’m never going to get through it. I’m never going to get away from it. I’m never going to get away.
When I was with the sociopath, I couldn’t see the possibility of freedom when I was mired in my denial of what was happening in my life. I kept telling myself that because I said I loved him, I had to stay true to my love forever. I had to stay true to him, forever and could never leave. I never let myself think about the alternative, “What if I could leave? What if I didn’t love him? what if….?”
Because I told myself I could never leave him, I couldn’t see that I was the architect of my distress. Caught up in the despair of believing ‘the pain of loving him’ would last forever, I convinced myself to quit trying to do anything different, to think anything different. I told myself there was no freedom for me, just this ennui of dying more and more every day.
I work at a homeless shelter. Recently, I had a friend tell me he believes that many of the homeless in our city ‘receive with the expectation they should receive and see no merit in contributing to the very institution or the society that gives them succour’. While I understand his point of view, and on the surface acknowledge there is some ‘truth’ to what he says, I also understand what happens to an individual when they become so lost they see no hope of ever finding themselves again.
In all of us there is a dark-side to our psyches. That place where light cannot find a foothold in the quicksand of negative thinking that pulls us down. Some will never trip over their shadows, some will never fall so far from grace they lose sight of the light. For those who meet up with sociopaths or who lose their way on the road of life, however, darkness will fall as they plummet into the despair of believing they will always be lost to the light. Devoid of hope, they will not open their eyes to the possibility of letting go of never and forever being there.
My life with the sociopath was like that. I fell into the dark-side and quit trying to swim to the shores of sensibility. I gave up on me and gave into him. The pain of my existence, of being me, of having to walk around in my own body was overwhelming. I wanted to die and thus did everything I could to make it possible.
The sociopath became my escape from living. He was my own personal suicide mission.
I see it happening everyday at the shelter where I work. People on suicide missions with a destiny they fear will never come.
And yet, despite the bleakness of their outlooks their human spirit keeps struggling to survive. To rise above the cesspool of negative thinking that inexorably pulls them into the vortex of their despair.
There is no easy cure for pain. Yesterday my gallbladder flared up and for a moment I felt as if the pain would last forever. I knew it wouldn’t and so I breathed deeply. Let the tears flow and waited for it to subside. It did.
Like all pain, it disbursed, eased, backed-off and was replaced with something else. In my case, a refreshing sleep from which I awoke to a beautiful blue sky-day filled with love and laughter. A walk with the puppies and a wonderful friend. A shopping trip to one of my favourite stores to scope out storage solutions for my new home and a birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends.
It was a day that started with pain and ended with love and laughter. The pain subsided, its memory but a distant reminder I must watch more carefully what I eat. The love and laughter, they live on, forever and a day, to remind me to never give up on living my life on the light-side of my thinking.
Kim,
That is absolutely beautiful and I really appreciate you writing that for us. I would like to copy it and put up somewhere where I can read it daily. I love poems!
Star…..I don’t have time to read the posts this morning, but I will when I get home from my appointments. You’re doing so much better than you believe! I hope that doesn’t seem invalidating. I’ll explain what I mean after awhile. Please hang in there!
Petitie, you too!
LL
LL, I’m so glad that you’re getting the support you need from the Women’s Center and taking time out from your education to heal. You needed this.
I’m also glad to see everyone at lovefraud is being so supportive of you, because this support group was essential to your learning about psychopathy in the first place and it will be essential to your healing as well. You need as many knowledgeable and sympathetic people on your side as possible.
Oxy and Aussie, it seems like your advice–or perhaps just the input on this public forum itself–worked since I haven’t been getting the daily harassing emails from the psychopath since we’ve discussed the problem on lovefraud and I’ve followed your advice.
Oxy, I was also very impressed by your advice to Skylar and your investigation of the investigation of the helicopter “accident” her psychopathic ex (probably) caused. You’re a woman of many talents and would make, among other things, a great forensic investigator:). Claudia
BRAVA OXY!!!
((((( star )))))
Ok, now I can address your post….
It’s not a straight line for me, Star. I faked the “strong” crap most of my life. High functioning, ain’t no one gonna get me down stuff. I dissociated from my past. I REFUSED to acknowledge that it was as damaging and painful as it is. I WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, look at it. I’d rather run. And that’s just what I did. I didn’t really CRY about it until sitting in that DHS office, pride all gone, asking for services. The fakery is over. Part of accepting reality, at this point for me, is that because of my LIFETIME of chronic abuse and trauma, I will have limitations. It is that reality that allows me to connect to that child who was so wounded. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I didn’t understand it. I could not have fully comprehended any of it. I just “felt” that it was so wrong. In this way, I feel grateful and perhaps more willing to accept my higher power and His presence in my childhood in that I KNEW what was being done to me, by ALL of my caregivers was wrong. It was just simply wrong. Perhaps that’s really a gift, Star, given that the rest of my family is personality disordered to some extent. Even “traits’ are destructive. Concerning the issue of God and His presence or lack thereof and the perspective that you were abandoned…I get that too. I have gone through phases of wondering if there really was a God, or if there was, He sure as hell didn’t think much of me because of the family HE put me into, and consequently did NOTHING to protect me EITHER….but on the flip side of that, God gives ALL a FREE WILL. They CHOSE to abuse me, Star. They could have chosen NOT to do so. Just as I could have CHOSEN to abuse my own children. My choices caused my children PAIN, however, they KNOW they are loved by me. And that is a screaming difference between what I was raised by….and that was no love at all, Star. NONE. It is a GIFT that through all of that garbage, that A. I’m alive at all, and B. that i knew how to LOVE at all…I didn’t do it perfectly for sure, but I had the ABILITY to do so, CHOSE to do so and still do. THAT is God’s presence in my life, Star. That little seed of knowledge. You have it too.
Ox is right about how life isn’t fair. But ya know, sometimes I get SO pissed off when I hear that, even though I KNOW it’s the truth. I get angry because that invalidates any justice that should be served onto truly evil others, who skate through life, destroying and being destructive. But it also puts the ball into my court for self empowerment. I know who they are. The evil ones. I’m very familiar with that, and I can choose NOT to be. The control I thought I had for so long, in the pretentiousness of the appearance of strength, in reality was viewed by me as if observing in the third person. The pain is necessary. The TRUTH is necessary….so I can take back what it really means to be in control…..walking through the pain. Visiting that little child inside who is SO wounded. What I ran away from for years and years. Appearances are deceiving, aren’t they Star? 🙂 Spaths do it well. The difference is that our “masks” are in place for different reasons. We FEEL fake, they ARE fake. When our “mask” slips, it means inviting the pain into our lives for the purposes of healing. When theirs drops, it’s for the intent of deviant destruction. Which, if you were to be honest with yourself, is more preferrable? I think I KNOW what you’d choose, Star, because you’re NOT a spath. And THAT is your gift. My spaths all walked away as if I never existed. Happily moving about destroying others lives as well as indulging in self destruction. I don’t want to visit that too much, even though I do visit it about last spath and his new gf. But would I REEEEALLY want to be apart of that? No. I’m learning to be happy to be just me. Learning to accept where I’m at. Understanding, that for me, God put the brakes on my life and said, “ENOUGH ALREADY!” and it’s time to heal, to take the time to truly focus on it.
Star, I’ve been on the phone for DAYS looking for a new therapist. I did so this morning as well. The demand far outweighs the supply and many are booked out MONTHS before I can get in to receive services. While this is VERY disheartening, I’m still going to keep pushing. I’m very motivated. I understand my limitations. They need to be addressed.
Star, I know you believe that you don’t share about what’s going on, but you DO as we have discussed. There was no burden to me. You are a bright, wonderful woman, with a VERY sensitive, kind heart. I believe you will find someone that you can receive therapy services from, however, with what I”m experiencing right now, it seems to be a part time job in itself. My motivation to deal with my pain and my past, keeps me on the phone constantly looking for services. I’ll find what I need. I have too. There isn’t a choice now. I’ve hit my bottom now, because there is no strength left to fake. I’ve lost everything. Now i”m just faced with the simplest of basics, monetarily and emotionally.
I think after a time it’s just too damned exhausting to keep up the facade. Truthfully, I got TIRED of living as if nothing bothered me or that I could somehow get over this and be done with it. Or even ruminating about my ex spath. It was easier to connect to that recent trauma, than it was to understand the full impact of all the rest. A lifetime of it.
If you need to vent or anything, you know how to reach me. I’m strong enough to hear what you have to say and you’re so important to me, that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
LL
((((((((( claudia )))))))))))))))))
As you already know, you’re support and friendship have been invaluable to me in walking through this crisis. I am forever grateful for that.
LL
Petitie,
I don’t want to assume here, but I’d like to ask you some questions about the dream your wanting so much…..
Where does this COME from? Dreams are good to have, petitie, but is there something deeper than that for you? Are there underlying issues that you need to address? Abandonment, etc? I don’t know?
Career success, for you, I understand is important. Ideally, with regards to your dream, it would be someone who shares the same career path, goals or those that have already been achieved, right? What about the rest though, petitie? A career similarity does not a relationship make, as you now understand given that he was a spath. It’s MORE than that.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding as if I’m invalidating your career and all you’ve done to strive for your goals. I don’t mean to, so if it sounds that way, forgive me ahead of time here, but you can be a rocket scientist and still feel lonely, empty and have deeper issues that a career would never satisfy. With all of your success Petitie, it still isn’t filling the void that you have that this dream or SOMEONE ELSE can satisfy…that’s troubling to me. Dreams are GOOD to have, even wanting a lifetime partner….but I think it’s even better if you’re somehow OKAY with yourself if it DOESN”T happen. A man can’t make you complete petitie. That’s something that comes from within. That’s why I think this is deeper than just the dream you have. What would work do you need to do within that would help you be okay with yourself, without a man to complete the picture? There is a REASON you chose this spath and it’s not just because you were looking for someone to complete the picture, I don’t believe.
I think it’s so sad that somehow, there is this idea, that even society underscores that if you don’t have a partner by a specific time in your life, or that you have no children by a certain age, or if you put your career ahead of finding a man to hook up with, that there is something innately WRONG with you. I don’t buy that Petitie. I think your dream is valid, and it still can be a reality, however, I think addressing WHY You are not okay being alone, even IF the dream never happens, is something to look at within. Where is the deficit that it would take a man to fix it? To complete it? I think it’s there that you’ll find your answers 🙂
LL
Petite ~ The following was a good read for me to help explain what you are feeling. I felt the same way at first, like how could he go back to his ex-wife when she was such a psycho b**ch, etc. After reading the article below, it really helped me to cope with what I was feeling and realize that she is no better off then what I was and he will only collapse the “lovely” world she thought he was creating.
The Other Woman”“Now He’s HAPPY With HER!
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her
Petite ~ Another article I found that made me feel better was…
He Seems Happy Now, Will I EVER Be Happy Too?
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/he-seems-happy-now-will-i-ever-be-happy-too
It’s articles like this and all the information and friendships gained on LF that help us through the grief process and to realize that by leaving the Spath relationship, we have been spared a lifetime of turmoil and head-spinning! We finally get to get off the merry-go-round and enjoy the rest of the amusement park of life!
schnoodle64 – This info is priceless. Thank you.
‘If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the ’quality’ of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships? Yup”that’s what I thought’
Schnoodles.
Those are GREAT articles and I’ve read them over and over.
Thanks for posting them!
LL