Think street cops are better trained to deal with sociopathy than the rest of us? Think again. Here are three ways that cops—at least the small town variety I’m most familiar with—can get pulled into aiding a sociopath:
1. Cops are just as likely as anybody else in the world to be charmed by a sociopath on the spot.
In my case, I called for help when my ex threatened to leave my house with our children and not bring them back. At the time, he had also been actively stalking me and threatening my life. The local prosecutor had just sent an “official” letter to him, warning him to stay more than 100 feet away from me (or some similar distance). After our disagreement over his intent to keep our children, my ex wouldn’t leave my front porch. So I stayed inside and called the cops and told them about the letter and asked them to make him leave my property.
Were they charmed by him on the spot? Yes. Two squad cars pulled up to my curb and left their lights flashing for 45 minutes while they chatted and laughed with him on my lawn—all before they came inside to talk to me. And they told me starting off to wait inside. I lived in a nice, quiet neighborhood at the time, so I was horrified by the scene this created in front of my neighbors. I was even more horrified by the fact that my kids were there, experiencing all of this.
But my ex seemed delighted. He shook hands and shared big smiles and made broad gestures with his arms as he socialized in the spotlight. He strolled around my small lawn, laughing with them in the sunlight.
He set up their perspective of our situation. They let him.
2. Cops can be helpful. That means they can be helpful to a sociopath.
When they finally came inside to talk to me, I asked my children to stay upstairs for a moment while we talked. But I didn’t get to do much talking. Because when I showed my copy of the letter I had from the prosecutor (asking my ex to stay away), the cop actually scoffed at me and said that my ex wasn’t dangerous. When I started crying (even though I tried not to), the cop told me to stop being such a “crybaby.”
My ex couldn’t come inside to shame me, so he set up the cop to do it for him.
3. Cops can be seduced into supporting power dynamics that work against victims of violence.
My ex had been abusive toward me on many multiple levels for years and years before I ever left and got my own little house and that letter from the prosecutor, which turned out to be an ineffective, wobbly shield.
The way the story ended that afternoon is that the cops told me to gather my children and get them into the car with their father. Granted, they were in a difficult situation because of the he-said, she-said nature of the whole thing. But instead of choosing to remove him from my property (according to the letter from the prosecutor), they let him stay. They chose to talk to him first and for nearly an hour before talking to me. They allowed themselves to be drawn into his story of why he was lingering there instead of asking him to step away from my property. And then they took it further by supporting his request to leave with our children.
They undermined my sense of safety while putting my ex in charge of the entire situation. They became his believers. They were at his beck and call. They weren’t curious about our history, the letter from the prosecutor, or my own detailing of what was happening at that moment. After talking to him, they didn’t want to hear from me at all. And they felt no obligation to ask.
He was in control of all of us. He used the cops and the entire situation to his advantage.
And with that experience of power to boost him, he pulled away from my house with a smile.
My children watched me through his windows, waving goodbye.
H.G. Beverly is the author of The Other Side of Charm.
This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
Helping Children Heal While Co-parenting with a Sociopath
HG Beverly – what an outrage. It is so infuriating that the cops fall for sociopathic games all the time. They should know better. But they don’t.
This is a horrible, horrible situation you went through HGBeverly. Do you still know who these cops are? I’d be tempted to send them a copy of your book with a message: ‘you believed this man’. I’d like to do the same with my book regarding all the people in authority positions who are meant to keep us safe yet instead side with the sociopaths. There were many in my children and my life during the 4 year divorce / custody battle. I had nowhere to turn.
My former husband was able to woo the police officer at my son’s high school (she was a woman, wouldn’t you just know it) into believing his story of why we separated and how horrible it was that I was turning our son against him and all other sorts of smear campaign tactics. She fell for all of his antics and joined forces in making my son’s high school experience a living hell by profiling and targeting him for every single behavior that was not ‘normal’. She even wrote me a traffic ticket when I was parked on a side street in front of my son’s school as I watched to make sure he entered the campus! Evidently I was too close to the fire hydrant. Eventually an administrator caught on to the entire situation, thank God, and this officer was reassigned to another school. Yet that didn’t stop her as she continued her verbal smear campaign of me.
Prior to all of this, my husband had already womanized her. I remember her coming up to me once and actually telling me that my husband was the kindest, most loving man she had ever met. And that he didn’t look too bad in a suit, either! She was in full uniform with her weapon talking to me like this.
How in the hell are we to combat such abuse? What is in our power?
That is why police officer training is SOOOOOOOO important!
When I’m training officers, we talk about how easy it is to get seduced by a story instead of facts. My ex was good at that. When police were called to our house by the neighbors, my husband met them outside first. As it turned out, one of the officers was from my ex’s home town and both went to the same college (the officer actually graduated whereas my ex only hung out at the same hangouts). By the time they got to me (in the early 80’s) they were very dismissive of me. My ex was a great guy and maybe I was just hormonal and needed some sleep. Why didn’t I call the police? Because who was going to believe me? Not the police! After that, my ex started talking about how he could kill me, get rid of my body, and how no one would care. I believed in his ability to do it and I believed that he would get away with it.
Police have to understand that they are walking into an unknown situation. Someone in the scenario may have a vested interest in charming police to overlook or dismiss a crime. They don’t know who the abuser is or who the victim is. That is why their attitude and demeanor are so important. NO SNAP JUDGEMENTS. They need to interview both parties out of site of each other. They need to remain focused and professional. They need to understand that abusers can be charming and victims may be too embarrassed or afraid to say anything. They need to actually investigate. Besides interviews they need to be observant for clues as to what really happened.
I tell them the story of an auto accident. My ex was smoking pot and driving aggressively. I was sitting in the back of our van in a lawn chair nursing our infant – yes it was the early 80’s. I had been pleading with my ex to slow down and be careful. Instead he hit another vehicle. In my head I was in a panic. The smell of pot was in the front of the van and unmistakable. He had been told that he had to get a state license several months previous. He had been told that if he did not he could go to jail. We were about to leave for a family visit – a visit that I desperately needed as I was considering leaving him. I knew that we did not have the money to bail him out and I knew that if he went to jail that the family visit would not take place. When police arrived on scene, I said that I was in the drivers seat. I got a ticket for the accident. I took the wrap for my ex husband’s crime. I dealt with the consequences of a crime I did not commit though I did commit a crime in that I lied to police to keep my ex out of jail.
The moral of my story is that had the police officer actually investigated, the truth of what had happened was right there before them. My ex was standing down wind so no one would smell him. The driver of the other car said that he saw a blond haired man driving, but I was adamant that I was to the point of tears. I was overly dramatic hoping to keep them from looking at my ex. (The idiocy of all the other issues – a lawn chair, an infant, etc. I can only say that I’ve grown up since then.)There were clues that were overlooked in accepting the easy answer.
Domestic Violence/Disturbance calls are the hardest calls police make. Much of the time both parties are covering up for the other. Rarely is it cut and dry since the parties are not wearing labels. Often injuries are hidden along with the truth. Protective Orders, Divorce Decrees, TRO’s are only paper and only as good as the officer’s understanding of them or willingness to investigate.
HGBEVERLY is so right in stating how police can support sociopaths. I’ve experienced it several times. I don’t think it is their intention just a lack of training. Sociopaths are skilled in charming and police are not immune. Attentive officers will remain impartial. Attentive officers will remain professional in conducting interviews. Attentive officers will do their due diligence when presented with paperwork. That’s what they are supposed to do.
Police officers can do more damage to victims than they realize. Their attitude can prevent a victim from reaching out. Their demeanor can keep a victim locked in a dangerous situation believing that no one can or will help them. Their lack of attention to detail can get people hurt. I’ve been there so I know how damaging it can be.
Police need more and better training period.
HGBeverly another excellent topic to discuss thank you for this latest post.
I have ponder the purpose of a restraining order because we all know that the restrain order do not hinder the perpetrator from contacting their victim but I now believe that the sole purpose of a restraining order is for the victims to go “no contact” with their abuser without even knowing about the no contact rule.
Meaning if the victim did not have the restraining order in place the victim would most likely engaging with her abuser when he sends her a ranting email/text/or calls/visits…with the restraining order she too is prevented from contacting the abuser…
the victim typically follows the law unlike the abuser so the restraining order does give the victim time to clear their brain fog and see that the abuser will not change while breaking the strong emotional bond to her abuser also it gives her access to the domestic abuse center free counseling to keep that distance from the abuser again to clear the mind control/mind control and to get away from the gas lighting abuse.
So in a nut shell a restraining order is the first phase of the “No contact rule” that all victims need to impose with their abuser.
As for the Cops who turn their eye to a violation of a restraining order they ARE breaking a law since the judge ruled that the abuser must stay so many yards away from the victims…the cops are helping a law breaker, the cops are accessory to a law being broken and these Cops should be held accountable for their actions.
The sad part is the victims will not go to the police dept to file a complaint against the police for two reasons 1) because they fear they will not be protected the next time their abuser shows up at their home 2) the victims is emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted to even think to do this or have the energy to do this. But if more victims did lodge complaints against the police or file law suits then the police departments would have to make serious changes.
Ironic – you are indeed dealing with “the boys club”. It is hard to get police to turn on one of their own. Nothing prevents a sociopath from becoming a Police Officer, a Lawyer, or a Judge. From my perspective the legal profession is a playground for sociopaths. I hope there is a good women’s program for you in your area.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe – your story breaks my heart. I am SO,so sorry that you had that experience. You are correct in that no one can count on protection from Police. There is only so much the good ones can do and I know they aren’t all what they are supposed to be.
I want to believe that officers I train are better than that, but I know it doesn’t work that way. They leave training and go out into the real world where senior officers talk them out of writing up all calls, things become discretionary, they get jaded. Their own upbringing plays into calls. Officers who come from dysfunctional homes are sometimes less sensitive to some things they see or accept things that they shouldn’t as normal. There are terms like “saving face” and “machismo” which have to be worked around. We have officers who come from backgrounds where women have no rights and their only value is in the children they bring into the world. They are supposed to learn the law inside and out. Training is supposed to teach them how to handle situations like Domestic Violence and so on. We talk about sociopaths, narcissists, and other disordered individuals, but they aren’t experts and cannot be expected to be.
Your experience should be a cautionary tale for police enforcement everywhere. No one should feel victimized like you were. I just want to give you a hug and a really big, squeezy one at that. I know you weren’t treated as you should have been and I’m so glad that you have come so far from where you were!
Thank you for your reply Bets. I am so grateful for an angel on my side that day, when a truck driver, 6 hrs late with his load because he had a morning breakdown. He didn’t do anything but appear, which was All I needed to get away.
(when I write “you”, I am referring to the reader who is living a nightmare.)
My big main message is that I thought since I was giving my now ex husband all he said he wanted, that I was safe. We were only meeting to discuss how to fill out forms in a way that protected HIM. Instead, I was ambushed. SO…. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE a person who has shown they have NO conscience, NO remorse, NO heart about the pain they cause. EVEN IF you aren’t sure they are a sociopath, they have already proven they have NO Conscience. Those who have NO conscience are capable of doing Anything and Everything.
And when they show that much of themselves, do NOT depend on winning the lottery that a cop will save you. You must make decisions as if he is completely dangerous. It’s the only way to be sure of making choices that ensure your safety. I think it’s VERY unlikely that murderers “snap”. I’m certain those murderers were merely MASK OFF for the act, then the CON mask back on…. just like Haskell who murdered four children & their parents, and was driving to murder the grandparents when he was captured.
KNOW that ANYONE who shows they have NO HEART is capable of ANYTHING, up to and including MURDER. Safety FIRST!!!
I know in Dallas, Texas that violating Protective Orders/Restraining Orders is a civil matter not criminal. Police officers cannot necessarily enforce a civil matter. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve pulled out hair after hearing “It’s a civil matter” in the last several months. A civil matter is enforced by the Constable’s Office. The Constable cannot enforce a judge’s order without a Writ of Attachment which becomes a Writ of Enforcement for which you have to go to the county courthouse and get the forms filled out – which is easier done with an attorney because they have so many form rules – which you have to have certified by the signed by the Judge and registered with the Clerk’s office. Once you have all of that you take that to the Constable and the Constable enforces the order.
I learned this in dealing with a sociopath cousin who did not return her children after a visitation – she does not have custody of the children. It took 25+ stops in various offices on various floors at our county courthouse to get this form and that signature and that certification with another signature that has to be registered but you need another form which has to be filled out and signed etc., etc. It took an entire day and at the end of the day the judge didn’t want to traumatize the children having the Constables remove them from the Sociopath so we had to wait four more days for a hearing of Habeas Corpus at which she was informed that she had violated the spirit of the Judge’s Temporary Orders and had to return the children that day.
An Order of Protection can be acted on by police but in Texas the violation is still a civil matter not criminal even though a law has been broken. A police officer can arrest someone who is violating an order as long as the order is signed and dated by a judge and doesn’t require another order to deal with it.
I think the bottom line is Jan7 is right. People need to complain LOUDLY to police, Judges, and assorted lawmakers to get processes streamlined and less daunting. There has to be some way to make the system less traumatizing.
Unbelievably horrific experience. Of course it would result in extreme PTSD. PTSD is the worst when the harm comes from someone who is supposed to be a provider, protector, friend, relationship based on love, like a parent or spouse. PTSD tends to be less severe when the harm results from a natural disaster, someone expected to be an enemy (warfare), or a stranger.
Hearing stories like yours made me aware of potential danger from spaths. The last time my ex spath wanted to meet me, I put him off for months with excuses. He wanted to meet me at a park surrounded with woods. I agreed to meet him in the middle of the day in front of a busy Target store. (Besides being safer for me, I figured the meeting would be shorter because it wouldn’t be all that comfortable – he sat on a bench and I stood nearby.)
Dear Readers,
I have a few responses happening for me as I read your stories. First is the emotional punch to the gut. It’s sad and scary that we aren’t protected in these situations by the systems that were designed to protect us. Very scary! And when I read about your experiences, I still feel shock that I’m not one of a few who have experienced this. Instead, it’s prevalent. My next response is to feel disempowered. Then angry. Then protective. Then dumbfounded. Then proud of all of us who are working to build better lives against all these odds. We’re doing it!
Thank you for sharing. It’s a journey, and I’m glad to hear yours. Keep moving forward.
Best to all,
H.G. Beverly
I’m sad that the post where I shared my nightmare has disappeared. I am sorry if my experience was offensive to another.
Notwhathe said – Only one post was removed in recent months, and there were no comments by you on it. What post are you looking for?
thanks Donna. I have had my identity stolen by the business who did my computer repair. I thought I checked for spyware but I must have missed something…
I don’t know what happened to your nightmare NotWhatHeSaidofMe – I hope this isn’t a problem… I had printed out your nightmare to include in my next training class as an example of how important professionalism and following protocol are in police response. This officer did not follow our protocol. I often use real world examples and yours is powerful.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:
July 11, 2014 at 4:58 pm
I grew up in a world where it was very lowclass to have the police involved, so the one time I turned to the police, I experienced a stunning learning curve: The police do not serve and protect.
Cops have the power to be judge and jury. In my case, the county deputy provided a clear path for my sociopath ex to murder me.
On that day, I was trapped on a country road and an assault began, one that I knew was supposed to be my end. Only a truck driver showed up, he had broken down earlier and so was late with his delivery. A witness. I was able to get away.
I called 911 to report what happened. Even though this was a remote area, the deputy arrived within 15 min. He was hostile to me. I remember being puzzled by that. He wrote in his report that I was “mentally unstable”, that I hit myself, that I had no injuries, that I was the attacker, and that he talked to the other party who graciously agreed to not press charges against me.
I now know I was in shock. By the time the deputy finished interviewing me, my hands were shaking violently, my whole body was shaking. I tried to control my hands. Bruises do not show up immediately, but bruises started appearing within 30 min. I held it together and did not cry until the deputy threw down his notebook and in a voice of disgust, said he would not take a report unless I gave him my address. I told him I was afraid and did not want others to know where I lived. I begged to give a friends address. That’s whey I started crying, I was literally begging to not have to tell my abuser where I lived. He said that he would not take a report that started with a lie. It took three months to get a copy of the report. In the report, he even said he TOLD my ex and his brother and SIL (all were involved in my beating) what I said. They laughed and joked with him, they were calm and relaxed. I was a mess, I knew I had just barely, by an accident of fate, escaped being murdered.
The way the deputy wrote the report, he clearly blamed the “crazy, mentally unstable, estranged wife” for attacking two males/one female (all over 6ft, strong as an ox farmers). Even though all my FACTS were proven true, and I had a witness, and physical evidence, and the email that showed how I believed myself safe to meet my husband (who I thought wanted a quick easy divorce), there was no day in court, no justice. As bad as the assault was, and it was pretty violent, it was the actions, or non-actions of the county deputy that escalated my terror. He taught my sociopath HOW he could get away with my murder.
Do NOT count on police protection. In many cases, they enable Murder. Do NOT count on justice. There is NO such thing as justice. IT happens but it’s rare. (I live in a city where there are 20,000 rape kits unprocessed, if your home is robbed, the report is for insurance and for NOTHING else, they do not pursue thieves. High profile, sensational murders, easily solved are pursued.) The police decide if your assault case is prosecuted. And much can be done to keep it from ever going to court.
You MUST not rely on police protection or court protection. You MUST protect yourself. You MUST not underestimate what these type of personalities are capable of doing. People with NO CONSCIENCE are capable of MURDER. They might not chose to, but they are STILL CAPABLE of it, which makes them Unpredictable.
ME? I learned my lesson. I moved 2500 miles away, and became mostly agoraphobic for nearly three years, going outside only after dark, to/from the grocery store. I had become the fearful, high anxiety ridden, paranoid, isolated person that the deputy said I was. But I wasn’t that kind of person before that day when I called 911.
I read my journals from that time period, and it breaks my heart to read the words of the woman I was for a while. So alone. So afraid. I am so fortunate to have found a path to recovery. I don’t trivialize the enormous recovery I have made. But I also don’t lie to myself. I’m a nobody. And justice is for the somebody’s.
DO NOT trivialize what people who have NO conscience are able to do. BE one of the LUCKY ONES. Get away and make a good life for yourself.
Thank you for the reprint Bets. I didn’t want to imply that I needed to whine, but I did think my experience a HUGE caution flag for women who think they are safe, merely because their partner was never violent to them before. My ex husband never raised a hand to me prior to this. But that day was meant to be my last. The lack of previous violence is NOT a safe enough indicator!
Also, I think law enforcement should interview EVERYONE separately, and NOT TELL anyone what they others have said. And I also found out that I did NOT have to disclose my hiding address to my abuser, by LAW I could have given a CONTACT address. But you probably already know this….