Think street cops are better trained to deal with sociopathy than the rest of us? Think again. Here are three ways that cops—at least the small town variety I’m most familiar with—can get pulled into aiding a sociopath:
1. Cops are just as likely as anybody else in the world to be charmed by a sociopath on the spot.
In my case, I called for help when my ex threatened to leave my house with our children and not bring them back. At the time, he had also been actively stalking me and threatening my life. The local prosecutor had just sent an “official” letter to him, warning him to stay more than 100 feet away from me (or some similar distance). After our disagreement over his intent to keep our children, my ex wouldn’t leave my front porch. So I stayed inside and called the cops and told them about the letter and asked them to make him leave my property.
Were they charmed by him on the spot? Yes. Two squad cars pulled up to my curb and left their lights flashing for 45 minutes while they chatted and laughed with him on my lawn—all before they came inside to talk to me. And they told me starting off to wait inside. I lived in a nice, quiet neighborhood at the time, so I was horrified by the scene this created in front of my neighbors. I was even more horrified by the fact that my kids were there, experiencing all of this.
But my ex seemed delighted. He shook hands and shared big smiles and made broad gestures with his arms as he socialized in the spotlight. He strolled around my small lawn, laughing with them in the sunlight.
He set up their perspective of our situation. They let him.
2. Cops can be helpful. That means they can be helpful to a sociopath.
When they finally came inside to talk to me, I asked my children to stay upstairs for a moment while we talked. But I didn’t get to do much talking. Because when I showed my copy of the letter I had from the prosecutor (asking my ex to stay away), the cop actually scoffed at me and said that my ex wasn’t dangerous. When I started crying (even though I tried not to), the cop told me to stop being such a “crybaby.”
My ex couldn’t come inside to shame me, so he set up the cop to do it for him.
3. Cops can be seduced into supporting power dynamics that work against victims of violence.
My ex had been abusive toward me on many multiple levels for years and years before I ever left and got my own little house and that letter from the prosecutor, which turned out to be an ineffective, wobbly shield.
The way the story ended that afternoon is that the cops told me to gather my children and get them into the car with their father. Granted, they were in a difficult situation because of the he-said, she-said nature of the whole thing. But instead of choosing to remove him from my property (according to the letter from the prosecutor), they let him stay. They chose to talk to him first and for nearly an hour before talking to me. They allowed themselves to be drawn into his story of why he was lingering there instead of asking him to step away from my property. And then they took it further by supporting his request to leave with our children.
They undermined my sense of safety while putting my ex in charge of the entire situation. They became his believers. They were at his beck and call. They weren’t curious about our history, the letter from the prosecutor, or my own detailing of what was happening at that moment. After talking to him, they didn’t want to hear from me at all. And they felt no obligation to ask.
He was in control of all of us. He used the cops and the entire situation to his advantage.
And with that experience of power to boost him, he pulled away from my house with a smile.
My children watched me through his windows, waving goodbye.
H.G. Beverly is the author of The Other Side of Charm.
This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
Helping Children Heal While Co-parenting with a Sociopath
This is the very reason I have to wait 5 years for a divorce, which would not need his permission. I cannot go to court with him. His lies would be believed. He would manipulate everyone and appear the charming poor victim, whilst he would portray me who lost everything to him as a villain.
Most male cops are Sexists/Chauvinists. They have a reputation for abusing their own mates and wives anyway… Many men within the ‘legal’ system are also chauvinists.
Great article HG Beverly.
I can relate in a number of ways – my ex tried to enter my house while the house alarm was on. It went off. The police arrived (I arrived soon after) and I watched the police chat on the front lawn with my ex.
Additionally, a few years later, I had the opportunity to tell my story of the harrassment and stalking and other abuses my ex had heaped upon me and our children when I sued him for Defamation of Character. (It’s very hard to take this kind of suit to trial – It took 3 years of the Discovery process for clusters of judges to agree that I had a case).
When it was my turn to take the witness stand, I told my story to the panel of 6 jurists and the judge. He often tried to cut me off, or to get me to shorten my story (how I wish I could have – I wish there had been less of a story).
Two observations resonated from that experience that have been so valuable:
– People who have never had to deal on a personal level with a sociopath do not understand the nature of this kind of disordered person. It’s impossible to explain unless someone has had a substantial number of incidents with an s’path – to “get it.”
– When dealing with police or the court system as a result of having to deal with an sociopath: Stick to the facts and take the emotion out of it. If we are emotional, we’re calling attention to ourselves, and distracting away from the issues at hand of the sociopath’s behaviors and abuses.
Taking the emotion out of highly charged and painful situations is not easy, but it is an effective way to protect ourselves. I was able to maintain steady eye contact with the judge – and even though he wanted me to be briefer, I re-counted the facts with minimal emotion, and got my story across. The result: My ex had been exposed. Plenty of consequences afterward, but I was true to myself and my children.
We learn to advocate for ourselves and children in ways that work. That’s the up side of dealing with disordered people.
It’s bad enough going through years of abuse. I can’t imagine the trauma of being abused yet again by ‘professionals.’ It’s a pity the only way is silence and let the sociopaths carry on doing their dirty work to other victims.
My heart goes out to everyone here that has similar stories. We grow up thinking the police and the courts will protect us, and we are thrown into PTSD and shock when we actually go to the system for help.
I am so thankful for this site. Every time I feel alone and like no one would believe how the system sets us up for failure, I can come here and see others that have had similar experiences.
My spath played terrible mind games, but honestly, I believe a major part of my PTSD came from the court system. I was so naive. I thought the good guy usually won and that the judge could see through his lies and posturing. My lawyer even told me that my character would shine through.
Not at all. I was raped in that courtroom. My spath had so much fun in the court system that he drug me into court approximately 30 different times, for different things….trying to get me thrown in jail for contempt (at least 3 times, with his walking by while I was waiting for court and whispering…”you’re going to jail”….he got continuance after continuance for the divorce and drug it out 2 years even though we had nothing to fight about. Nothing! And I had to live with him for the 2 years it was being drug on. I don’t know how I survived, but I do know for a while, I had a bit of temporary insanity.
And the courts let him. The courts let him play his games. They encouraged his continuances (more money for the courts and the lawyers, you know?) The judge believed some of his lies (not all, because some were truly outrageous….but she knew he was lying, and she still made decisions based somewhat on his stories.) She even “diagnosed” me in a court decision as passive-aggressive (I’ve had 3 counselors and not one has thought I was passive-aggressive.)
The judge overstepped her boundaries. It is unethical for her to diagnose me with a mental condition without her being my counselor and seeing me on an individual basis (I know this now, as I am studying Social Work/Counseling). I was so terrified of the court system that I would literally shake every time I had to go in and several times left in tears (one time I overheard the judge tell my lawyer to “get your client under control” and I wasn’t crying loud, I just had tears streaming down my face….I believe the judge is a sociopath also. I saw her flirt with the men.
I couldn’t get the case changed because the judge had to release it. It was a nightmare. Our court system is a mess. I am not even sure education will help, because when half of the system and people in power are sociopaths, they aren’t going to care. I don’t know what the answer is.
When I think back to the unbelievable experiences that I had went through with my sociopathic ex, one of the major instances of trauma involved the police. My ex had preplanned all of his behaviors in an effort to drive me from the home. I did not know what he was trying to do until much later. He started a fight in the middle of the night. One way to control me was to make sure that I had no sleep.He had assaulted me and I knew I needed to call the police before he killed me, but I did not get that chance as he made sure to call them first and told them that he had a restraining order against me. When the police arrived they talked to him for half an hour while another cop stood in a hallway as I lay on my bed and he just watched me. I was traumatized and in shock by what I had just experienced. Cop didn’t ask if I was ok. Cop didn’t take any statement from me. Bad cop was outside with the sociopath getting an earful. Bad cop came inside, did not ask questions (I was unable to speak anyways due to the trauma)and proceeded to spit in my face as he was yelling me that I had to leave my home and that there was a restraining order against me….as he is pulling my arm trying to physically remove me from my own home. My ex had literally told them that there was a restraining order but he did not yet have a copy as it was done today. It was all a lie and the cop believed him without any proof! In the end, I did not have to leave because there was no restraining order,but they allowed him to stay in the house.
Basically it went like this. I was asleep. My children were asleep. He started a fight w/me at 2:45 am. By 3:30 am he had already assaulted me and had the cops at the house. By 3:45 an officer is physically trying to drag me from my bed as I was in a state of shock. By 4:15 the police left. Sociopath then proceeds to pretend that nothing had happened!….but still wants me out of the house. He got his wish. I gave up everything just to be rid of him.
EEWWWW! What a nightmare! How did you manage to get the officer to stop assaulting you and leave?
Yes, we victims must resort to saving ourselves as the legal system won’t do it! We must swallow our prides, relinquish all to the sociopath and just get away to save ourselves. Kudos to Tria for realising this!
I have been posting here for awhile but just wanted to tell my story under this column.
No, the police does not protect us. When I confronted my ex about his cheating with a young co worker cop, he became furious. How dare would I find about this. I became emotional, crying and begging him to stop yelling. It was a shock for me after 20 plus years of marriage. Not only was my ex a sociopath,he also was a retired army first seargent and a highly respected sheriffs deputy. And did he abuse his “cop powers ” any way he was able to. That night, he called some if ov his police buddies to have me “baker acted” (in this State being sent to a mental institution against your will for evaluation). I remember being handcuffed, because the ex ordered it. He was laughing with the deputies, calling me names like that “crazy b…..”. All that in front of my 18 year old son, his only child. Also that night he left the family.
The psychatrist on duty recognized right away that I was being “set up” by my ex and I was able to go back home. Nice waste of taxpayers money, the doctor said.
My ex was trying to portray me as this mentally ill woman because he is a cop and he can. Of course his entire department believed him. The fact that he was having sex with this young cop on the same shift was just “overlooked “. They all covered up his lies.
The next vicious thing is did was “getting a temporary injunction ” against me. So I hired a lawyer who got it dismissed in court.
I am not sure what he had planned next but I was one step ahead and my lawyer and I filed the petition for divorce. My lawyer said “the next thing he is cooking up for you, might be criminal , so file for divorce and put an end to it”. Which I did.
So, no cops will stick together, they are easily charmed ,especially the female ones. After all they were and still are my ex husbands little sex minions.
This is where the no contact is so important. He cannot get to me anymore. Even being a cop will not get him any response from me. And no, I don’t set foot in his county. I just never know.
kaya48,
What your husband did to you sickens me. I bet he’s been playing footsies with other women all along. Like my husband, I bet he married you as a “beard”, someone who made him look respectable, and this subterfuge allowed him to have a second life of depravity. Once you found out about his other life, he lost what he needed you for and the smearing began. And like my ex, people knew about the other women and even HELPED my husband cheat because they were jerks also, or they felt sorry for him married to “that crazy woman”(me). But HEY, once we find out the truth, we aren’t so easy to dupe anymore.
Again, my husband had set me up and smeared me so badly that people would have given him a pass if he murdered me. I absolutely believe your attorney, that your husband would have set you up for criminal charges. I remember a story about a woman from Jersey? New York? who was set up completely by her ex, as a prostitute and drug peddler and thief.
I do find much comfort in how you were able to find the one decent attorney in the USA and prevail. BRAVO good woman. You are a prize so when you do connect with a new guy, he’s gotta show/live/demonstrate high standards!
(The common lesson is to never underestimate this personality type, to get away, and to maintain proactive security forever.)
Playing the mentally deranged card seems to be a favorite tactic used by psychopaths. Just before I went NC with both my ex and my 5 children, my youngest son (born 1974!) said the whole family would committ me! Having been alienated from most friends and in a new town, isolated me and made me afraid of what he threatened. A call to my attorney (he just laughed at the very thought) allayed my fears and he advised I go NC with all of them.But this isolation is not to my liking and “friends” believe ll their lies…the truth is just too incomprehensible!
Thank you HGBeverly for posting this article. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know exactly how you feel…all too well. Recently, I was sitting in a court room after 3 long years of continuance after continuance to hear the judge’s ruling. I choked back tears when the Spath’s lawyer referred to this person as “one of the nicest, most credible people I’ve ever known”. It made me physically sick to hear those words. The court system has contributed mightily to my PTSD. As if the shock and realization that none of our relationship was genuine or true wasn’t enough! Naively, I thought I had the law on my side, and after three years and a boat load of lawyer’s fees, I too have come across the grim reality that our legal system just prolongs the agony and feeds the lawyers. Sadly, after three years, my legal battles with the Spath are only just beginning. I just want my life back!
Stillstrong,
Legal trauma is huge and debilitating. Not only in the form of psychological trauma but also in terms of siphoning off your income, life savings, and assets.
My heart goes out to you. I would like to see these legal perpetrators held accountable.
Stay strong,
H.G. Beverly
Agreed, the process is not about what is right, its about who is more believed/believable. I bowed out of what started out to be a costly divorce from the sociopath” financially, emotionally and physically… he had been found guilty in 2 separate hearings (criminal and civil)” but he was the victim” its laughable now, but terrifying at the time to think of going through another year of legal abuse until we were granted a decree” I ended it for peace of mind and to be absolutely NC”. it was worth any penny I “lost.” I actually ended up saving more money bowing out” thanks to Donna and her guidance on determining the “costs” I made the right choice 🙂