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By December 2, 2008 162 Comments Read More →

Freedom from a Sociopath’s Destruction

I am not sure if I will continue to post each week. Many of the stories carry the same theme and I think most of you on this site know what a sociopath is capable of, how much destruction they leave in their path and how we all felt once we discovered the truth.

For me, it’s really about the road to recovery. The first and most helpful tool I was given was Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. It helped so much to see it in writing, the same behaviors, manipulation and the different types of sociopaths. Lovefraud provides the best resource I have found to date (thank you Donna). Then it was all about acceptance. I needed to accept that my father never loved me. That one took a while, but I began to understand that “he couldn’t give me something he didn’t have”, which was love. Once I accepted this it was easy to forgive him, another key for me.

I have had other sociopaths in my life; in fact I think I was attracted to it as a result of being raised by one. Only now I recognize that uneasy feeling I get from being around someone I cannot trust. It’s like background noise, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. Today I trust those feelings and do what I have learned from others and books. I cut my losses and move on. It has been my experience that the only option is to remove yourself from any and all unnecessary contact with a sociopath.

Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”¦and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. That’s how I see it today. As odd as it may sound I would not change my experience for anything. I wouldn’t want to do it again I assure you, but today I am grateful for it.

Posted in: Cases, Travis Vining

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162 Comments on "Freedom from a Sociopath’s Destruction"

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Thank you, Travis, again for sharing with LoveFraud. Highly appreciated.

I was perusing Romans last night and I read the verses…(Romans 1:28-32)…

28–And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper,
29–being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips.
30–slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents,
31–without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful;
32–and, although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

Well…if that doesn’t completely sum of the psychopathic personality I have no idea what does. Written, right there for all to see, in the Holy Bible.

I continued reading the verses and came upon The Results of Justification by Faith (Romans 5:1-11)…

1–Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2–through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into the grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
3–And not only this, but we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4–and perseverance, prover character; and proven character, hope;
5–and hope does not dissapoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has given to us.

See? All our trials and tribulations will prove to be important if we heed the messages being sent and learn from them. So, no Travis, you don’t sound “odd” to me not in the least.

🙂

Peace, love and joy to all

Travis:

This was an incredibly beautiful sentiment:

“Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. ”

Thank you,
PeggyPseu

Your posts are appreciated and your story is extremely inspiring. Thank you.

Like you, I had an S/P for a father. And while mine never committed murder (that I know of), he was ruthless and cruel. It took me until I was well into my 30s to fully accept what he was, and fully integrate the understanding that I would always both love and hate him.

Because of our pasts, we survivors will always be vulnerable to these types, and sites like this one can help us stay grounded in our new awareness. Stay wary. Stay alert. I hope you continue to read and post. Each of our voices may be helping untold numbers of others.

A quote that I like, and I have no idea where it came from, probably somewhere I read it once, and it struck a chord in my heart and I remember it.

“The finest China has been through the hottest fires.”

I think that people who have never had anything “go wrong” in their life, and do not get to “grow” from the painful experiences we (as humans) go through—failure at something dear to us, loss of something or someone we love either through death or separation, etc.—all those things make us stronger.

I know parents who try to sheild their children from all unhappy experiences in life, and I think that they do a disservice to their children by not letting them experience life in an age-appropriate way. The puppy dies and the child cries, let the child grieve over his friend, don’t rush out and replace the puppy the next day in order to stop the child’s tears. Children need to learn as they grow how to handle life’s disappointments, life’s failures.

We (as former victims) got PhDs in pain and grief, loss and frustration, but we can learn from these, turn them into positive experiences, just as Dr. Viktor Frankl turned his years in the Nazi prison camps into a growth and learning experience for himself, a spiritual ladder to climb to greater heights.

It is only, I think, when we don’t learn the “lesson” that is contained in our suffering and pain that we repeat the “lesson” until we do get it. I hope and pray to God that I have “gotten it” well enough to avoid another repetition of the “lesson.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from other’s experiences and advice, and many of humanity is too much like I am, and has to experience the lesson for themselves, up close and personal, before they can “get it” but if I can comfort even one other person and help them, then my pain and grief have not been in vain, if I can grow and avoid future pain, then my pain has not been in vain.

I’m sitting here watching a re-run of Dr. Stone interviewing one of the Mason groupies. The woman who the group went after for not going along with their destruction of others. Dr. Stone asked her what was it in you that allowed you not to go along with the others to hurt or murder others. She said, I couldn’t understand why they had no compassion for others… or something along that line.

I think the woman that didn’t go along with Manson’s renegades was not physically or mentally abused as a child. I believe if we ask those in prison what their childhoods were like (e.g. were they put down, insulted, called good for nothing, or stupid or any number of derogatory names a parent can say to a child to lower their self esteem, tear them down to sub human other than build up their self esteem, knowing they are worthy individuals. Same with physical violence (e.g. were those people as children, beaten, wiped, punched, kicked … etc.). What was it in their childhoods to allow them to grow up … thinking it was OK to violate another?

Same with anti-social personalities today, what is it from their childhood … whether in the family unit, or childhood friends that caused acceptance of violence to escalate. Remembering that children will internalize blame to themselves for their reason their parents argue or eventually divorced or just walked out on each other. Same with children who’s fathers never marry their mothers … walk out before they are born.

All of the above lower children’s self esteem initially and they carry that lower opinion with them through their lives until they can sit back, look at the bigger picture and work them out.

I think programs should be initiated in the school systems how to step back, think about situations overnight (allowing a longer period for reaction time) to look at bigger pictures in life. Showing on to have patience, how to work out problems. People need to be taught these skills, not just assume it’s being taught in the family unit.

Just a thought.

Peace.

Ya’ll rock. Thank you-

Love your stuff TRavis and Janesmith- the quotes are just what I need right now.
How funny-when I would b with my S and his family– although they were all trust fund kids who do not even work in their 40’s– all they did was talk down about other people. I could not understand it- there was no appreciation for anything or anyone! Everything was negative about others. And the gossip- and about their own siblings and parents. Too bad i was not more into the bible when i should have been. I did not know my S was just like them til it was too late. Oh well.
I start training to be a flight attendant in one day. Totally new line of work. Freaking out.

I know it is very trite and cliche, but I think going through stuff like this builds character. I hope that whoever we all choose to let into our lives can respect who we are and appreciate what we’ve been through.

StarG: For some it builds character … for others it totally destroys their self esteem. Same thing you see on this blogg … everyone at their own pace to healing.

There is always a scale of 1-10 for anything in life.

Different strokes for different folks.

Even if personalities can take it and it does build character ..l. how did they make lemonade out of lemons? Find out what works for some and how others are destroyed.

Peace.

Wini,
New life sprouts even after a horrible forest fire. But sometimes it takes a long time. I am 48, survivor of a very abusive childhood. I have been scarred, but I refuse to let it destroy me. I think we have to choose life because what is the alternative?

Your post brings to mind something that was pointed out to me years ago. We are all human and going to have pain in our lives and we have no control over that. How much we suffer from that pain is something we can control though.

Ugh..new life after destruction. Went out on a date tonight. He seems like a nice guy but now I’m so jaded. I guess I’ll take this one day at a time. But it’s so difficult.

Congrats Iwonder

It’s a step ya gots to crawl before ya walk LOVE JJ

Hey Iwonder: What happened to meeting people and becoming friends?

Or, is that out dated today?

Piece of cake, piece of pie.

StarG: Why can’t we teach abuse in school? Any kind of abuse? Then explain to kids that they can build on their own self esteem … don’t take your selfish parents so seriously.

I endured mental abuse in childhood, but it wasn’t my parents … it was control freak peers.

I learned how to be mellow and not take fools so seriously.

Peace.

Iwonder – I understand your comment about feeling jaded, over the past few month’s I have dated a narcissist who live’s with his mother and has a history of heavy drug abuse that ended his 15 year relationhip with his wealthy partner. After our first few date’s I told him he was a narcissist and he agreed. So I decided to remain ‘friend’s with benifit’s’ and not let myself get attached. He told me a few week’s ago he had met a man and we couldn’t be friend’s anymore because the new guy wouldn’t understand. So I escaped this one with out a scratch – when he was telling me about the new man – he seemed to be most impressed with the guy’s position and wealth. There was another nice guy I talked to at a club that really impressed me and I felt comfortable so I exchanged phone number’s. As it turn’s out this guy also live’s with momma and doesn’t have a job and said he didn’t know what he was going to do when his elderly momma died. He continued to call me until I told him ‘politely’ don’t call me anymore…I have decided to remain single as evidently that sign on my forehead “Loser’s apply here” is not completley washed off – so I have more work to do. I like the comment ‘I need to reboot’ beside’s I have my weeny man to sleep with every nite, he has four legs and snore’s and I will never kick ‘Harley’ out of my bed for a two legged user. Oh my ya’ll didn’t need to here this. Anyway despite all – I feel damn comfy with myself here lately…..and satan is not here to ruin this Xmas for me. And for the first time is several years my kid’s want to spend xmas day at dad’s house. Hmm wonder if M being gone has anything to do with that? I was so blind……

Dear Henry,

I am sooooo happy for you. You have been to hell and back. Isn’t being back wonderful! Hell makes you REALLY appreciate the REAL happiness in life….the OH-SO MEANINGFUL “little things” and being “damn comfy with oneself”.
I love that phrase!

Peace, Healing and Hugs to you!

Dear Henry,

I am so glad that your kids want to come to your house for Christmas! Wonderful! My sons and their friends were filling the house again tonight and it was so much fun to have to move to the back room to hear myself think for the sound of their laughter filling the house. They’ve been throgh a bit pot of stew and half the huge pot of turkey noodle soup I made today! It feels good to cook for a “crowd” again.

Today they all pitched in and picked up and hauled brush where my sons cut limbs out of the trees around the yard, and then they hauled shale to fill in a trench we had dug for the french drain around the barn. It is fun to have a house full of laughter again. When they were kids our house was always the one where the “guys hung out”—there’s always a pot of something simmering on the stove and a pan or cornbread or two when I’m not BOINKING someone with the skillet (I do hate to use it when it is full of half cooked corn bread, so you guys be good, okay? LOL)

You are right, Escaped, it does make us appreciate the “finer things of life”—friendship and love!

Hi Henry,

I think the experiences we had with the exes is making us choose better about who we now let into our lives. I ask God now to let only the right people into my space. I’m guarded but maybe that is a good thing. Now, I will take my time before I get involved.

Wini,

Yes. Let’s be friends is perfect. I am going to date someone a long time before taking things further. At least this guy has a car, his own place, a great job…which is a good start. We chatted on the phone for 2 weeks before we went out last night so I am just getting to know him. I’m not going to cut my friends or family out of my life this time…nor God. I am going out with a friend to a Christmas party this week so I’m trying to keep the balance …church, friends, family, boyfriend. My ex trapped me and isolated me. When he left me shattered, I realized what I did to myself and my support group. 2009 is going to be much difference.

Peace

“The past is for inspiration, not limitation.” Thank you so much for that!! I will mull over that for a long time now because I never saw it that way…I still see my limitations so much and I can see that I need to learn more, grow, and use what I’ve learned to be of help to other people.

One of the reasons I am learning so much about S’s is I have a friend who is trying to get out of a relationship w/ one who is truly scarey, dangerous, and potentially a killer. He routinely threatens her and her children with killing them. My experences have been with a N, but since I’ve had experience w/ him, I’ve been able to validate her feelings of intense failure when she allows him to “get back into her head”. So few people understand why, “we go back for more”. I keep telling her her feelings are normal with what she has to endure now. Unfortuneately, she has a child w/ him and has to share her so it’s hard for her to go NC. She has another court-ordered restraint on him, but he just messes w/ her mind by not sticking the the order visitation. Eventually, hopefully soon, he will lose all visitation because he WILL NOT allow her to win by letting her (or the court) tell HIM when “he can see HIS daughter”. This guy is EVIL. I cannot believe the verbal abuse he has spewn at her…, and my heart goes out to her. I keep telling her SHE WILL MAKE IT!!! Always, with God’s help.

Travis, thank you for letting me see my “gift”. And please keep posting because I am learning from all your experiences. You are a lovely person. I can tell.

May God totally cover you with All of His Blessings!!

Daisy

Iwonder
A car! A Place! A JOB! Next you will be telling me He is tall dark and Handsom to Boot !

HOT DAM! TOWANDA!
Where did you meet him???? does he have a Gay Brother?? LOVE JJ

Henry, Henry, Henry … what do you mean only Harley sleeps with you … where do the other 2 weenie dogs sleep? LOL!

Piece of cake, piece of pie.

Hi Indi:

He’s 6 feet tall. Dark. French accent because he is from France. Speaks French, Spanish & English. A chemist. That is all I know.

Henry,

Maybe meeting guys in bars is not the way to go. I’ve never met anyone in a bar…but then again, I met the ex S shopping because he worked in the store. I don’t know where to meet good people. It’s so hard. I say we write off 2008 and think about relationships until 2009…a fresh start.

There has to be great gay guys out there in places other than bars. Do you belong to a gym? Are there organizations you can look up on-line by you for singles that do things in groups like hiking, biking, going out to theatres, etc? Even if no one there interests you, you make friends and then expand your circle where these friends may hook you up…just a thought.

Iwonder and Henry: Not to burst your bubbles here … but, if our EXs are considered a 10 on the worst scale for dating … 1-10 … what would entice you two to want to go meet #s 1-9? The scale is still entitled “worse” LOL. Just kidding.

Piece of cake, piece of pie.

There are lots of places to meet people ! Thanks ! And Your right ! I am just enjoying no pressure for a time ! Not that I have blinders on But It’s much harder :)~ much more difficult For a 6’4″ 46yr old male to find a relationship minded Male! Ask Henry in our Comunity , if ya Want to call it that , The Majiorty of Gay men are not looking for Love they are looking for a HOOKUP! To me this is absurd , I liked the way Wini said it. If You sleep with a dog , don’t be surprised when you wakeup with fleas! Wait I said that. Wini says; If ya sleep with them than ya sleep w/everyone they ever slept with! Euuu. Makes me shiver! Teach that in Public schools and see what happens.

One of the links that was given on the blog about prisions is a socialist /internationalist site with a sycle/hammer communist logo! I wondered If anyone had seen this?

LOVE JJ

Hi Wini:

Even though my ex sucked the life out of me…I still have a heartbeat LOL!!!

Hey, not every person out there can be evil. What was the
ratio of sociopaths to real people?? 4%?? So, 4 out of every 100 guys I meet are going to be AH’s. Or, 1 out of every 25, correct? How is my math? LOL!

Wini, have you given up on thinking of every finding a nice guy to spend hte rest of your life with? Are you done??

Hey Indi:

Every guy I meet wants to “hook up!” All they want is sex. But, I don’t have to oblige. Indi, have you thought of switching sides?? I will go out with you!

Travis, thank you for sharing.
I am doing SO much better now. I have full control of the business venture my ex-soc and I started, I now have to arrange financing for it. I am going to be the sole owner. I am so glad that she will have no part of it, I plan on hiring special needs employees and they require genuine compassion and understanding. She would have ended up destroying them as well, but not now. I will always miss the woman I thought I knew, but this one? She is so different. It is like an evil twin. Truly. There is nothing inside her except anger and bitterness. It is so horrible. I am still going one day at a time, and some days it is like crawling across broken glass, but I am okay with that because it is for me. I have some plans now, some goals. If the business fails or succeeds it will be up to me.
I am still a wreck, but I am making it. And I owe everyone here so much. Thank you for your love, for your compassion, and your understanding. And I also know something else. One day I will love again, I dont think it is possible for me not to, but I will be wiser, more careful. I will not pay attention to what they say but what they do. I really hope I have learned from this. And a lot of it is because of you my friends. Also, in a way I have to thank my ex-soc. If she hadnt shown me what she truly was, and if it had been later on in our relationship I really wouldnt have made it out alive. I have to rebuild, okay, but I am actually kinda liking what I see inside me. I have made some sound choices so far, and I hope they continue. I trust myself more and more each day.
Once again, thanks to all on here.
My trials and tribulations are on my blog, and it makes for some pretty crappy reading, but here is the link if you want to peruse my deranged ramblings.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&Mytoken=36F8D93D-D029-480F-BDCB3FF2AFA52A2290168867
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=13338410

Iwonder: No, I was only kidding you and Indie thinking YOU TWO ARE BRAVE. LOL!

Anyway, check out your e-mail. I sent you a nice mantra tonight.

Piece of cake, piece of pie.

BigDude: I’m glad you wrote that you saw that there is something wrong with them … something bitter and angry. I do too. My bosses, all those co-workers that jumped on the bandwagon … my EX. There’s something wrong … something definitely wrong with all of them.

I think their pain is so great … and it’s kept active with their negative mindset that insists their pain is so sharp … never working it out …hence, ensuring others get worse pain from them… all the time, pain, pain, pain. Mmmmmmmh, and it’s probably really stupid … what they think is so painful.

I bet none of them could change places with any of us … and deal with what they dished out.

Just thinking out loud!

Piece of cake, piece of pie.

So weird … and it doesn’t have to be like this.

Wini Wini Wini – The other two sleep with me as well – I was referrring to Harley as my MAN – Crickit and Posey are females and it is so cold here, tonight is going to be a three dog night for sure…. Iwonder – I agree club’s and bar’s are just meat rack’s – I am sure there are exception’s – and I am 54 with white hair and everyone is so young in the nite club scene. They look at me and think they have found a daddy~~~!! Not too long ago I went to this sleasy little place and as I was walking in two guy’s looked at me and one said to the other “Not bad – for a old man…’ I am not one of those queens that die’s his hair and dresses like he is 21. I do occasionally go out just to be among other’s like myself but always say too myself “I have not missed anything here!!’ I really don’t have a clue as to where to meet decent available men. I mite consider joining a gym but then you have to deal with the hunk’s that worship themselves. Indigoblue is right about the club scene they are interested in 3 things – what do you drive -how much money do you have and how big is your ___. And it seem’s it is no better in the online dating websites – they all want someone 19 and hairless. Yes the gay comunty seem’s to be jaded and all about sex. So sad….I am a misfit tho – I never fit into the gay world or the straight world. And when I tell gay men I have children they look at me like I have two head’s. Indigoblue – are you into older men?

Henry,
It sucks for women too… At 46, I don’t do the bar/club scene, I work with children, (and all my co-workers are women) and I met the X-S on Yahoo Personals, so I am weary of online dating too…and I know exactly what you mean about gym “narcissits”…
Indie does sound HOT…Too bad (for me) he’s gay…LOL

Stormee:

Hey! I have first dibs on Indie! That is, if he switches teams. lol!!!

Oh yeah! Great! Everybody goes for the gay guy!!! What am I? Chopped liver? Well, actually I guess i kinda am. along with a chopped heart, chopped soul, chopped ego etc etc…….
Though, I do have to admit, I like Indigo, he is cool.
I am not even thinking of dating anytime soon. If it happens it happens but I am staying out of situations where it could happen.
Heck though, maybe I should turn gay, that way all the women would chase ME!!

Hi BigDude,

I’ve been out on 3 dates since my ex split 6 months ago. Last night’s date was ok…except…I have a question for you guys. Why, why, why do you have to end the first date with a kiss?? What is that for? I mean, this guy doesn’t really know me…I don’t know him. A kiss on the cheek would have been fine. I was taken back somewhat by this.

Big kisses BigDude: Whmeeeewwwahhhhhhhh!

Iwonder: It’s called “do the two of you have chemistry”.

Get a grip … will ya?

Bigdude, they are all saving you for me!!!!!!

Wonder woman! I’m so glad your date went well. I’m glad you are feeling ready to date again too. And like Wini says, whatever happened to having friends?

For me healing is not so much about looking at the traits of the other person and making sure he’s not a sociopath. I’m having to dig a little deeper. I’m looking at my reasons for being with these men and ignoring the glaring red flags. It’s brought up more grieving, but it seems like a good thing. It’s pretty clear that I’m not really ready to date right now. It doesn’t stop me from being on a dating site, but I only advertise for friends, and this is what I’m finding right now.

Wini:

I like him so far but to me, I really need to go out a few more times to see if we “click” like that. Hey, what he doesn’t know is I gave my doggie a kiss before I left the house. Ewww! If he only knew!

Words of “wisdom”:
what you find in a bar, leave in a bar
if it’s too good to be true, it usually is
once burned, twice shy
Be careful on the dating sites-I don’t trust them. Dating services are out there to make money. I tried Matchmaker, it was a complete waste of money.
I’m waitin’ for the prince-I think I’ve had my share of the toads!

Good for you StarG … that’s the way to do it.

Piece of cake, piece of Pecan pie.

Iwonder: Maybe his cat kissed him before he went out with you … ya never know (LOL).

Just got back from seeing all the Christmas lights in our downtown. This year they are using energy efficient lights. They still look the same.

Beautiful.

Peace.

Hahahahahaha
I am not Gay My boyfriend is !

Bigdude I like you too! Thanks! I know it may seem to the hetro world that all the Hot guys like me are gay but to me it seems like all the hot guys are straight! Go Figure!?
I like people ! I dont have to be anything! We don’t walk up to some one and say whats your favorite position for sex ! Come on! Lets start a conversation and see where that goes ? I am defffinately strange! so fore someone to like me it is because of what I look like! Did I shave? Did I brush my tooth!:)~ come on lets stay real! I aint no spring chicken but I am on my second virgenity! :)~ LOVE JJ

I want to go dancing – two steppin to Alan Jackson – music loud – energy in the air!!! who’s going with me?~~~?~~~?

Henry & Indie: You’ve got mail.

P.S. Henry … I love Alan Jackson … LOL.

Piece of cake, piece of Pumpkin Pie.

Win
My mom actualy suprised me with that she is not Happy with me! and her first responce was not good ! I did’nt expect her to take any time to find that ! LOVE JJ

Henry
Delete that earlyer mesage ! I don’t know if I can do Country! :)~

I was Rock & Roll

Now I am Just an Old Fart! :)~

Indi: I’m glad she gave the info to you. You’ve got mail … did you check?

Oh, I hope your mom is OK … that was a doozie of a spill.

Piece of cake, piece of Creme pie.

Oh By the way I am Haveing that Darkchocolatepecanpie as we type :)!

Indie & Henry, Henry & Indie: All music that comes from the artist’s heart and soul is good.

I’m all over the board when it comes to good music.

I’ve got jazz on right now.

Piece of Angel Cake, piece of Chocolate Pie.

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