REGISTER | LOGIN
By | November 29, 2008 231 Comments

The Mask of a Sociopath

By Peggywhoever

All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.

From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.

Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.

I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.

I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.

After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).

They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.

It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.

And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.

It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).

No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.


231
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Beverly

I have learnt many things since my encounter with the Narcissist, but the one very big thing I learnt is that it is dangerous to take people at face value (masks and all). This prevents us from being sucked into a situation which presents differently to what we first expected. I am extending this comment to friends as well as I get more astute as spotting spongers and takers in all their wily guises. My horoscope last week reminded me that some people like a salesman will smile whilst persuading – a mask no less. I loved Peggy’s analogy of the mask, because when I was 6 weeks into the relationship with the N, I told him I thought he was wearing a mask. Now I look back my intuition was firing on all cylinders.

Wini

Hi Beverly. I was just thinking … maybe the anti-social personalities in the world are the folks that carry around the most pain. Maybe that mask they wear is so no one really knows how miserable and in pain they truly are. Maybe too, that’s why they leave in their wake so much pain to others as they pretend to be happy in their next venture down the path of life.

I can’t forget and I keep coming back to what Bill Cosby said when he quoted that man “Hurt people, hurt people”.

I think we are looking at them all wrong due to the pain they cause us. I think that superficial glibness, those smirks, those hollow laughters are all disguises … all another mask they wear.

Peace.

Elizabeth Conley

Wini,

Where Narcissists are concerned, I agree. These people have a lot of pain. When possible, we should not rock their fantasy world. If allowing them their delusions of grandeur keeps them content for a while, leave ’em be. They miserable when their bubble is burst. If they weren’t so vicious in their attacks on others, it would be practical to just give them their way most of the time.

I wish I had recognized that the N from my past was an N before I began trying to understand why his ministry had no money in spite of my generous monthly donations. He had been siphoning money out of ministry funds, a fact that I stumbled over when he blew up over my accidentally getting too close to this truth. If I had known how emotionally vulnerable he was, I could have found a way to stop the theft without rocking his psyche. This would have been wise. When he realized I was about to discover he’d been stealing, he became hysterical and went on the attack.

If I could turn back the clock, he’d never find out I was on to him. The theft could have been stopped without him ever realizing he’d been caught. The Ns mind shied away from memories of other crimes he’d been caught at, other times he’d been called on his lies, grandiosity, exploitation and other bad behaviors. The memories were very painful for him. There was no point in rubbing his nose in what he was and is. No point at all. The closer to self awareness he became, the more he hurt, the worse he acted out, the more desperately he closed the doors in his mind that would have revealed his own motives to him. He was trapped in a cycle of fear, pain, crushing depression, rage, acting out, and exposure… …over and over again. His health was and is very poor. His pain and rage were/are killing him, literally.

The Psychopath and the Sociopath were/are different. They experienced very little pain, and arguably did more harm than the N. If they shed tears, those tears were mostly crocodile tears. I watched the excitement the Sociopath experienced during fights and the glee the Psychopath experienced when he caused pain. I remember how they expressed nothing but contempt for the children they abused and the women who divorced them. No regrets, not ever. They did not experience depression, not in the sense of feeling sad. They occasionally felt bored, and thought of boredom as unbearable. They always alleviated their discomfort by stirring up some s-hit. Don’t waste any pity on their kind.

The only mask an S or P ever assumes is that of humanity. When they seem concerned, devout, caring, etc., that’s the mask.

eyeswideshut

Hi Wini, I don’t think they know pain. They have shut out their feelings, or were born deficient of them.

They feel anger, pride,rage,bitterness,envy,greed, and often some type of satisfaction. They feel entitled, victimized short changed and underappreciated. They feel superior. They feel power. When they “like” or “love” someone, there will be a specific reason, usually some gain or benefit to them extracted from the relationship, if only the “benefit” of having a target to torment con and decieve.

If all of this is to reject some deep inner pain, to bury it under a mask of normalcy that is very sad. I for one have not reached the point where I can feel empathy for my abuser. I am still reeling from the realization that the person I loved, respected and trusted was actively trying to destroy my sanity. At times I still feel like he succeeded. The ones that are verbally or physically abusive let the mask slide early on it seems.

My P is the master of the long deal. He enjoyed doing it by stealth in many ways small and large. That perhaps is the hardest thing I am finding to forgive. He is a sadist. He enjoyed damaging me and using others.

I have recently learned that he has a new “lady freind”. Sorry to moan and whine but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Just thinking about what I gave of myself that I can never get back. I think some of my sadness and relapse into pain at the moment is the realization that I am soooo far from ready to be in any kind of a healthy relationship.

I would love to hear about more happy endings, like Donna’s,
who was able to heal, take her experience to help others, and find a lasting genuine new love.
Peace and love,

Wini

Elizabeth Conley: I agree to let anti-social do what they want as long as they aren’t crossing over the lines to destroy others.

I wasn’t so lucky with my bosses. They were focused on destroying me no matter how much I ignored them in previous years, previous demotions … they just kept escalating on their rampage and destruction … it was when they crossed the legal line is when I sought legal assistance … because I need to humanly act.

I don’t know if you read my previous posts today … but last night I attended a memorial service for a friend’s father … who was an elder in his congregation.

I found similarities in his eulogy that is what we have been blogging about.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I have {the gift of} prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

3 And if I give all my possessions to feed {the poor,} and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind {and} is not jealous; love does not brag {and} is not arrogant,

5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered,}

6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails; but if {there are gifts of} prophecy, they will be done away; if {there are} tongues, they will cease; if {there is} knowledge, it will be done away.

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part;

10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

2 Corinthians 4:1-18

1 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we received mercy, we do not lose heart,

2 but we have renounced the things hidden because of shame, not walking in craftiness or adulterating the word of God, but by the manifestation of truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing,

4 in whose case the god of this world (the devil) has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

5 For we do not preach ourselves but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves as your bond-servants for Jesus’ sake.

6 For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not fromourselves;

8 {we are} afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;

9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

12 So death works in us, but life in you.

13 But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE,” we also believe, therefore we also speak,

14 knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.

15 For all things {are} for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.

17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,

18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Peace everyone, peace.

Wini

eyeswideshut: I think they’ve forgotten that God resides in all of us, even themselves. They some how lost faith, lost their way, believe in this superficial life that soon will pass …lost and forgot that LOVE is everything. It just is.

Pray for them to find their way back to God.

Peace.

Ox Drover

I’m seen my P-bio-father unmasked, and the “face behind the mask” is like you are looking directly into Satan’s eyes. I have never seen such rage and anger. I also saw the look in my P-son’s eyes when he was frustrated at me and right in the middle of a sentence about “but mom, what would Jesus do?” he dropped the mask, and again, I was looking into the evil eyes of satan. The closest thing to a description is the look that “that” famous photo of Charlie Manson stareing straight into the camera had. That very look of evil personafied.

I also saw tht look on my mother’s face,when she knew I had caught her absolutely in a lie that she could not deny her way out of. That look of evil and a hate filled heart overflowing with rage.

The old “if looks could kill” look that bores right through you like a red hot poker that at the same time chills your soul with the knowledge that you have “seen Satan” face to face. That you have seen the cold cruel face of someone who could take your life and not feel a thing except satisfaction at your suffering before you died.

The worst part is that the “look” from behind the slipped mask is from someone that you loved and thought loved you. The ultimate betrayal.

Wini

Oxy: I know exactly what that look is that you are describing … I saw that look every single day at work, with my bosses, their cronies, along with co-workers that jumped on their bandwagon to kick anyone down, it didn’t matter who it was (so I didn’t take it personally ” even though it was personally being done to me).

I was constantly praying the Lords Prayer because I found it so fitting for being persecuted … and besides I needed to remember to forgive those that trespass against us ” this was a major example of testing my faith.

Here is Wikipedia’s version of the Lord’s prayer.

“Our Father, which art in Heaven”

Together, the first two words Our Father are a title used elsewhere in the New Testament, as well as in Jewish literature, to refer to God.
The opening pronoun of Matthew’s version of the prayer our is plural, which would be a strong indication that the prayer was intended for communal, rather than private, worship.

“Hallowed be thy Name”

Having opened, the prayer begins in the same manner as the Kaddish, hallowing the name of God, and then going on to express hope that God’s will and kingdom will happen. In Judaism the name of God is of extreme importance, and honouring the name central to piety. Names were seen not simply as labels, but as true reflections of the nature and identity of what they referred to. So, the prayer that God’s name be hallowed was seen as equivalent to hallowing God himself. “Hallowed be” is in the passive voice and so does not indicate who is to do the hallowing. One interpretation is that it is a call for all believers to honour God’s name. Those who see the prayer as primarily eschatological understand the prayer to be an expression of desire for the end times, when God’s name, in the view of those saying the prayer, will be universally honoured.

“Thy kingdom come”

The request for God’s kingdom to come is usually interpreted as a reference to the belief, common at the time, that a Messiah figure would bring about a Kingdom of God. The coming of God’s Kingdom is seen as a divine gift to be prayed for, not a human achievement.[7] Some scholars have argued that this prayer is pre-Christian and was not designed for specifically Christian interpretation. Many evangelicals see it as quite the opposite a command to spread Christianity.

“Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven”

The prayer follows with an expression of hope for God’s will to be done. Some see the expression of hope as an addendum to assert a request for earth to be under direct and manifest divine command. Others see it as a call on people to submit to God and his teachings. In the Gospels, these requests have the added clarification in earth, as it is in heaven, an ambiguous phrase in Greek which can either be a simile (i.e., make earth like heaven), or a couple (i.e., both in heaven and earth), though simile is the most significant common interpretation.

“Give us this day our daily bread”

The more personal requests break from the similarity to the Kaddish. The first concerns daily bread. The meaning of the word normally translated as daily, ἐπιούσιος epiousios, is obscure. The word is almost a hapax legomenon, occurring only in Luke and Matthew’s versions of the Lord’s Prayer. (It was once mistakenly thought to be found also in an Egyptian accounting book.)[8]. Daily bread appears to be a reference to the way God provided manna to the Israelites each day while they were in the wilderness, as in Exodus 16:15”“21. Since they could not keep any manna overnight, they had to depend on God to provide anew each morning. Etymologically epiousios seems to be related to the Greek words epi, meaning on,over,at,against and ousia, meaning substance. It is translated as supersubstantialem in the Vulgate (Matthew 6:11) and accordingly as supersubstantial in the Douay-Rheims Bible (Matthew 6:11). Early writers connected this to Eucharistic transubstantiation. Some modern Protestant scholars tend to reject this connection on the presumption that Eucharistic practise and the doctrine of transubstantiation both developed later than Matthew was written. Epiousios can also be understood as existence, i.e., bread that was fundamental to survival. In the era, bread was the most important food for survival. However, scholars of linguistics consider this rendering unlikely since it would violate standard rules of word formation. Koine Greek had several far more common terms for the same idea. Some interpret epiousios as meaning for tomorrow, as in the wording used by the Gospel of the Nazoraeans for the prayer.[9] The common translation as “daily” is conveniently close in meaning to the other two possibilities as well. Those Christians who read the Lord’s Prayer as eschatological view epiousios as referring to the second coming reading for tomorrow (and bread) in a metaphorical sense. Most scholars disagree, particularly since Jesus is portrayed throughout Luke and Matthew as caring for everyday needs for his followers, particularly in the bread-related miracles that are recounted.

“And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us”

After the request for bread, Matthew and Luke diverge slightly. Matthew continues with a request for debts to be forgiven in the same manner as people forgive those who have debts against them. Luke, on the other hand, makes a similar request about sins being forgiven in the manner of debts being forgiven between people. The word “debts” (ὀφειλήματα) does not necessarily mean financial obligations as shown by the use of the verbal form of the same word (ὀφείλετε) in passages such as Romans 13:8. In Aramaic the word for debt is also used to mean sin. This difference between Luke’s and Matthew’s wording could be explained by the original form of the prayer having been in Aramaic. The generally accepted interpretation is thus that the request is for forgiveness of sin, not of supposed loans granted by God. But some groups read it as a condemnation of all forms of lending. Asking for forgiveness from God was a staple of Jewish prayers. It was also considered proper for individuals to be forgiving of others, so the sentiment expressed in the prayer would have been a common one of the time.

“And lead us not into temptation”

Interpretations of the penultimate petition of the prayer not to be led by God into peirasmos vary considerably. The range of meanings of the Greek word “πειρασμός” (peirasmos) is illustrated in The New Testament Greek Lexicon. In different contexts it can mean temptation, testing, trial, experiment. Traditionally it has been translated “temptation” and, in spite of the statement in James 1:12-15 that God tests/tempts nobody, some see the petition in the Lord’s Prayer as implying that God leads people to sin. There are generally two arguments for interpreting the word as meaning here a “test of character”. First, it may be an eschatological appeal against unfavourable Last Judgment, though nowhere in literature of the time, not even in the New Testament, is the term peirasmos connected to such an event. The other argument is that it acts as a plea against hard tests described elsewhere in scripture, such as those of Job.[10] It can also be read as: “LORD, do not let us be led (by ourselves, by others, by Satan) into temptations”. Since it follows shortly after a plea for daily bread (i.e. material sustenance), it can be seen as referring to not being caught up in the material pleasures given.

“But deliver us from evil”

Translations and scholars are divided over whether the evil mentioned in the final petition refers to evil in general or the devil in particular. The original Greek, as well as the Latin version, could be either of neuter (evil in general) or masculine (the evil one) gender. In earlier parts of the Sermon on the Mount, in which Matthew’s version of the prayer appears, the term is used to refer to general evil. Later parts of Matthew refer to the devil when discussing similar issues. However, the devil is never referred to as the evil one in any Aramaic sources. While John Calvin accepted the vagueness of the term’s meaning, he considered that there is little real difference between the two interpretations, and that therefore the question is of no real consequence.

“For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen ”

The doxology of the prayer is not contained in Luke’s version, nor is it present in the earliest manuscripts of Matthew. The first known use of the doxology, in a less lengthy form (“for yours is the power and the glory forever”),[11] as a conclusion for the Lord’s Prayer (in a version slightly different from that of Matthew) is in the Didache, 8:2. There are at least ten different versions of the doxology in early manuscripts of Matthew before it seems to have standardised. Jewish prayers at the time had doxological endings. The doxology may have been originally appended to the Lord’s Prayer for use during congregational worship. If so, it could be based on 1 Chronicles 29:11. Most scholars do not consider it part of the original text of Matthew, and modern translations do not include it, mentioning it only in footnotes. Latin Rite Roman Catholics do not use it when reciting the Lord’s Prayer, but it has been included as an independent item, not as part of the Lord’s Prayer, in the 1970 revision of the Mass. It is attached to the Lord’s Prayer in Eastern Christianity (including Byzantine Rite Eastern Catholic Churches) and Protestantism. A minority, generally fundamentalists, posit that the doxology was so important that early manuscripts of Matthew neglected it due to its obviousness,[12] though several other quite obvious things are mentioned in the Gospels.

I chose to use this version … so as not to offend anyone … for it is not which religion you believe in or came from … or haven’t a clue as to why you know what you know about love and all God’s virtues.

Peace.

Molly

Dear Donna,
I can barely catch my breath to write this. I have been able to relate to a lot of what many have written on this site and have share comments in the past. Then I get on a role, feel strong, dismiss all I have learned and revert backt to…it was not him…If I only would have, could have, should have. If you say something poorly about someone you have 3 fingers pointing back at you…So, if I even think my ex is a sociopath WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?
Then I check back on the site because I find struggling with something new, and I start to relate again….EVERYTHING YOU SAID>>>EVERYTHING I could relate to.
Here is my DELEMIA…If all you just explained is something I experienced HOW on GOD’s earth could I after finding out today that HE has a new “VICTIM” as my friend says…..How could I not stop crying. How if I escaped from a house with bars/chickenwire/ boards and 4 dead bolt locks would I be able to tell myself that I miss him. WHY would I be JELOUS that he has found someone new. There was another post about escaping the sociopath but some people comit sucide as a result of what they indured. I feel like I have to be crazy if I for one minute feel sad that he has moved on, sad that it did not work for us. What is my freaking problem….how or will I ever, ever be normal again?????? Molly

Hi Molly,

I remember your posts from the past. Like the time you wanted to get on the plane to go back. ..for more abuse. Molly, he didn’t want you to work out of the house. You were trapped and isolated like a caged animal. My ex did the same thing to me and the same to the woman before me. He is probably doing that to his current woman…the one he left me for. I also thought, maybe he loves her truly and perhaps I was just not right for him. Nope! It’s about control, manipulation and ownership…no love involved. He has found another object to own and do with as he pleases. Molly, you know what gets my head screwed back on straight?? When I remember how I felt when my ex grabbed me by the throat and spit in my face and called me a whore because I “talked back” in defending myself against a false accusation.

Just think of the worse thing he ever did to you, then think to yourself, do I want to feel like that again??? That should wake you up!

Elizabeth Conley

I saw the N have an odd tantrum that seemed like a psychotic episode, except that it lasted for a short while. It was odd to see a “church leader” staring out into space and letting out a steady stream of disjointed curses, all without a change in cadance or facial expression. The weirdest part about it was how his devotees reacted. They just stood around pretending they couldn’t hear or see him.

I noticed. It really creeped me out, and it scared my young daughter half to death. This bizarre fit occurred a few moments after he accidentally revealed to me that he’d been siphoning money out of the ministry. He had been trying to terrorize me with a group breaking session, because he thought I already knew he’d been stealing. I wasn’t as intimidated by the tactic as he had hoped. The hectoring remarks he made contained clues that led me to logically conclude what he’d done. The sudden knowledge must have been transparent on my face. He reacted as if I’d struck him, even though I said and did nothing to reveal my thoughts. I left the room, and the odd episode began.

I’ve got a lot of sympathy for this guy. I don’t think he’s evil, but I understand why a less sophisticated culture would describe someone like him as being under the influence of demons. Most of the time he’s Mr. Suave and Charming. Rock his boat, and he acts out, to say the least. His devotees are downright spooky.

As I said earlier, I’m convinced Narissists suffer a great deal of pain. It’s true they lack empathy, but they feel horrible shame, and are crushed by the slightest hint folks are fed up with their shenanigans.

Ns should be extended mercy whenever possible.

I wish I’d known about NPD before I’d met him. He was a textbook case. I could have handled things a lot better if I had figured out what was wrong before that awful moment when I discoved he’d been misappropriating ministry funds. I never would have rocked his boat if I had known about his disorder. I’d have quietly slipped away long, long before that awful moment.

Hey, I know that look too! Several times late at night while in bed, my ex would spring up in a sitting position and gaze off for a moment or two and then turn his head toward me with this look as though he were possessed and say something bizarre to attack me. Like, “what did you wear to work today?” “I want to see.” “Put it on.” And proceed to accuse me of trying to dress nice to attract men at work. Other times, he would just say nothing at all, just gaze off. Then go out into the living room and sit on the couch all night til dawn. He would say, “I need to be alone for awhile.” I would tell him I think he has demons that have a hold on him. I was not joking.

Molly

Sorry, one more thing.
I also relate to everything eyeswideshut said, everything Elizabeth Conely said and Oxdrover as well. ALL are things I experienced with him. I recently agreed to talk to a reporter for a local magazine who was doing a story on Domestic abuse. All the other women were physically abused. When the editor called back to confirm some of the info I felt the reported did not get it…she did not understand as she miss quoted me by saying he would get ferious when you packed a soft apple in his luch. I said no he would say “YOU PACKED A SOFT APPLE IN MY LUNCH” she then said ok…he would yell..I again said..NO you do not get it. He did not have to yell, it was the inflection in his voice, it was his body posture, it was the “look in his eye’s”. The reporter also used this statement “he morfed into the devil incarnate”. I was very upset when I read this. When a friend asked why I said he will be ferious if he thinks “I” said that. I did not say that. Shen then asked If I described the insident the same way I had told her. I said yes…she said Molly when you described the incident to me I thought the samething she said. She said what you still do not have the courage to say.
He did not have to hit, he did not have to yell…I just knew better. One day “his mask” slipped off/or did he take it off. He went crazy…he lost it…I could never ever look at him the same. Did he let it fall off on purpose to scare me away? Was it because I started saying no, I won’t let you treat me that way. ?
Molly

Ox Drover

Dear Molly,

They do not like it when we defy them in the least way. It is all about CONTROL. Ownership even. We are possessions.

I am so glad that you are back here reading and learning and posting. If you haven’t read every article in the archives, start today to read them all. For starters just read the articles and then if you have time go back and read the blogs. Learning about them and about ourselves (what makes us let them do this to us) will help you heal, Molly. It takes TIME and we can’t rush it, but in the end, you will be a better and stronger person and not so vulnerable to the next one that comes along. You need to be GOOD to yourself, Molly. (((hugs))) God Bless.

neveragain

Okay. I am a loving person. I have given my life to helping others professionally. BUT ”..when I read this article I CRINGED. I clearly am not a psychopath, but when the gig was finally up, when I had hurt and hurt and hurt”..I told him off in two emails. And yes, I had vengeful thoughts against him! And I see where he would say that *I* retaliated against HIM with every piece of personal information I had garnered about him (like the other women he love bomb and dumped, all the lies he bragged about), that I said he was manipulative, accused him of sexual assault after the fact, accused him of emotional rape”.and he would say it was all lies. (I blocked his responses, so I don’t know what he said actually.) Because like many date rapists, (though he was a rapist of my emotions, my heart, my soul) he really doesn’t think he did anything that bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is one thing that makes all this with them so damn frustrating and confusing. They are masters at projection. And then to top it off, to confront EVIL, you end up looking like you are the evil one, that his projections are correct. YOU are the one straight out saying “You are horrible, look at what you did!—..and so YOU look like the mean, awful one! ARGHHH!!!! Especially if your P is one who always has the nice guy mask on, always covers his rear, a Thomas Crown type of P. ARGGHHHH!!! And for a minute, when I read this post I thought”oh my god, I’ve become one! But no”..I was just speaking truth, UGLY TRUTH, to power, which is a lot different! And it sure didn’t happen suddenly, I kept giving him chance after chance after chance after chance”.

chaos

Hi All-

My one-year anniversary is coming up. Christmas Day last year, my Ex-P finally took his mask completely off after 10 years. Since then, I went into severe depression. Now I am on antidepressant, I am getting better. I am very fortunate to have a counselor who knows antisocial personality disorder very well. Through counseling, I found that my own family was very toxic. My father is an N but not P and my mother is an enabler. I have been in NC with my own family. Since they are thousands miles away, it is not that hard. However, this made me very sad, because I feel I am literally alone in this world.

My sheltie puppy is my only family. In a way, it was shocking to know that my puppy has healthier self-esteem than I do. When she encounters a bully dog, initially she would try to be friendly. After a few trails, if this dog is still mean, my puppy just ignores the dog. She does not take any sort of abuse. I realized the power of unconditional love. She was truly loved. That I did not get from my parents.

For a long time, I felt my life was a completely failure. My private life was so miserable. Now, I do not think so. My life is no less valuable than other happy people’s. I survived two Ns (looking back, my first boyfriend was an N) and my ex-P. Despite my miserable private life (LOL!), I am doing OK in my career so far. I came to North America alone 11 years ago and now I have permanent residency and own a condo.

I have just started thinking the following way. If there is any reason why I had to suffer life-long pains those N/P/enabler caused, it is just because a purpose of my life is to help others, especially young kids. I really do not anyone to go through the hell I experienced in my life.

The other day, my counselor told me “Chaos, you are the only one here I can discuss psychopathy with”. He has been trying to educate the public about P/N, but it has been very frustrating. I told him, “Maybe we can work together in the future, because I am very interested in genetics of psychopathy.”

I am a geneticist. When I was preparing for my upcoming lectures, I encountered quite a few papers on the molecular genetics of mental disorders. We now have technologies to identify some chromosome regions that have a significant association with autism, schizophrenia, etc. I am certain if this type of genetic research is done on psychopathy, the results will definitely give us a clearer picture of this disorder.

At this point, one thing I can do is to educate young kids. Next year, I would like to include “genetics of psychopathy” in my lecture. If it is hard to cure psychopathy, then we need to educate the public. Avoid Ps! If our society becomes P-resistant, we could reduce P-victims! Eventually, Ps cannot easily spread P genes!

In the long run, another thing we could possibly do is fund raising to fund research on psychopathy. Without money, scientists cannot do research. We, survivors, know so much what needs to be done, so we would make good grant reviewers!

Anyway, this is just my dream. Yes, I can dream again!

Wini

Chaos: Good that you got through to the level of hope again. Hope is allowing you to dream and feel good about yourself.

I don’t think we will ever have a perfect world as far as abuse is concerned. But, I do feel that others that know this pain can help and guide new survivors through the horrific stages to healing … and then eventually having a beautiful life again.

I don’t think we will ever forget. But, we can forgive. Forgive because that is what we are suppose to do as humans. Forgive our fellow man … for we don’t know all the answers to life. Only God knows… and we must trust in God when he tells us in scriptures to do something.

Peace. I’m glad you are putting your life back together.

Wini

justabouthealed: We hear you. You are not alone.

Here’s a site that can help sooth you from the pain. Any time you need a pick me up, I’d go back and view it.

http://www.pathways-to-peace.com

View the presentation. Turn your speakers on ” let the presentation load ” then make sure you click volume “ON” in the lower left corner.

In case you need to print out the presentation, I wrote them down below. I printed them and taped them all over my house.

——————————————————

PEACE

“Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called the children of God.”

– Matthew 5:9

INTEGRITY

“Integrity is one of several paths ”
It distinguishes itself from the others
because it is the right path
and the only one upon which you will never get lost.”

– M. H. McKee

JOY

“Is the site of the blue skies ”
fills you with joy,
if the simple things of nature
have a message that you understand,
rejoice for your soul is alive.”

– Eleonora Duse

KINDNESS

“Kindness is the language
which the deaf can hear
and the blind can see.”

– Mark Twain

FAITH

“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world
shall emerge into the light.”

– Helen Keller

COURAGE

“This is courage ”
to bear unflinchingly
what heaven sends.”

– Euripedes

HOPE

“Hope is faith
holding out its hand
in the dark.”

– George Iles

LOVE

“I have found the paradox
that if I love until it hurts,
then there is no hurt,
but only more love.”

– Mother Teresa

CHARITY

“We must not only give what we have,
We must also give what we are.”

– Desire Joseph Mercier

PATIENCE

“Never think that God’s delays
are God’s denials.

Hold on, hold fast, hold out.

Patience is genius.”

– Comte Georges Louis LeCler deBuffon

DETERMINATION

“The great thing in this world
is not so much of where we are,
but in what direction we are moving.”

– Oliver Wendell Holmes

GRATITUDE

“A single grateful thought
raised to heaven
is the most perfect prayer.”

– Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

HUMILITY

“Pride is concerned with who is right.

Humility is concerned with what is right.”

– Ezra Taft Benson

FORGIVENESS

“forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle;
by which what is broken is made whole again,
what is soiled is again made clean.”

– Dag Hammarskjold

PEACE

“We must see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek,
but it is a means by which we arrive at the goal ”

We must pursue peaceful ends,
through peaceful means.”

– Martin Luther King Jr.

lostingrief

chaos:
you’re a geneticist? wow, that’s cool.
i was heavy into physiopsychology in college. i have a question: do you think it’s possible for the brain to be normal, and then for stressors or emotional trauma to change its physiology to the point where the physical changes in the structure (or even chromosomal changes) can be measured and the illness therefore thought to be genetic as opposed to environmental?
that was my thesis. just curious what you think.

BloggerT7165
nic

Oh my gosh Peggy what a great blog. Everything you wrote describes my husband. It is almost scarey how they are alike. My husband will give you his all when he is into you but after he is done with you he will throw you away like trash. He has a saying that when he is done, he is done.

He claims he doesn’t hate me because hate is a strong word…lol. I don’t know how else to explain it when he abandoned our family and would not answer my calls.

He now says he has been unhappy and I was mean to him. I don’t agree with it at all. He always wanted a son and when we were at the ultrasound and found out it was a girl there was disappointment on his face. He now has 2 daughters and he has a son with his mistress. His son is 11 months younger than ours. I am trying to make sense of it all. Why would he pick his mistress who now has 4 kids by 4 different men? Is it that he really wants to be with his son? I truly think that is it. He wants to be in his son’s life. I guess I really can’t make sense of it. He is working on his doctorate and so is his mistress but they are both so dumb. It is sad to know that we have 2 people working in the education field with young children and how they are bad role models. She is a principal for a school.

I think back when we celebrated that last Christmas and Thanksgiving together in 2006 and he led us in prayer…he had a pregnant mistress. Oh well, I am thankful for him being out of my life. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

lostingrief

nic.
my ex-s/p/n is also an educator. amazing, isn’t it? i think he likes it because he is second-in-charge at the school and has complete control over most of what goes on there.
he has two sons by two different women and is only close to the son who is ”like him.” the other one he doesn’t see at all.
my ex recently told me he ”has nothing against me.” oh, really?! why would he. i never did a thing to ever hurt him.
OMG…they are ALL the same.

maniatissa

Nic- My soon to be ex-husband still refuses to have any contact me (I don’t want any with him either) and has projected all his wrong doing onto me. He does not want to be in his baby daughter’s life if I am in the picture. I have felt the same way in that he just tossed us aside like garbage. I know I should be thankful for this but disturbing thoughts of him still permeate my day. While my head is trying to move on, to a certain extent my heart still doesn’t ‘get it’…

The worst part for me is that his immediate family enabled it to happen. It was as if the entire family’s mask fell off- parents, brother and sister. They all felt totally justified in ‘getting us out of the picture’. Granted, I knew too much and was a risk. I was a risk to their perfectly constructed facade. It is ironic, or not so ironic, that my ex played the piano for different churches throughout his life to make extra money and his mother (a trained opera singer) sings in church for money (but is no longer a member). Just an example of their superficial connection to the Christian way, another example of the mask…

Thanksgiving this year was sad- last year it was quite enjoyable, but this was before I knew my ex’s family for what they truly are…

Christina

Ox Drover

Dear Chaos,

WONDERFUL! I am so glad that you are turning this crap into fertilizer!

Having grown up in a dysfunctional P-and-enabler-filled family I can so relate to your feelings. Fortunately I am not totally alone as I have two wonderful adult sons (and several wonderful dogs!) but I also have a “family” of close friends who DO understand and who do care.

Our biological families are what we are given at birth, but our REAL FAMILIES are those people that we love and that love us. Through your own kindness, reach out to others and you will have a “family” of loving people as well.

Any help you can do for the research in this disorder is great and I hope it results in some objective evidence and possibly at some point a treatment or a control. Keep your goal!!!! It gives us a way to focus on helping ourselves and also helping others as well. ((((hugs)))) God bless.

chaos

Wini-
Thank you. Yes, it is important to help new victims. I do not think Ps will go extinct. In my opinion, it is equally important to educate the public about N/P. May help at least some fraction of vulnerable people could identify and avoid P/Ns. I wish I had known that my father was N when I was much younger. No-one has to go through the pain we had to suffer.

lostingrief-
Genetics just explains susceptibility to a certain disease. We cannot ignore the environmental factors. Last night, I was reading a review article that summarizes recent progress of Psychiatric genetics. It says that heritability for schizophrenia is 75-80%. This means that 75-80% of susceptibility to schizophrenia is determined by genetics. Environmental plays only 20-25%. Heritability is a population-based term, so you cannot use it to a certain individual. I have two siblings who have schizophrenia. So I may be genetically susceptible to schizophrenia. But I escaped from my parents when I was relatively young. My brother and sister stayed too long with my N father and enabler mother. This caused so many traumatic events that pushed them to finally develop schizophrenia. I sometimes wonder if we had somewhat normal parents we would have been free of depression or schizophrenia. One more thing, traumatic events do NOT cause chromosome abnormalities at least structural level! Hope this satisfies your curiosity.

BloggerT7165-
Thank you! Sure, I read them!

OK, unfortunately, I need to get back to work!
Have a nice day!!

James

This is a continue theme with a sociopath insomuch that there always seem like they already have someone waiting in the wing for them. How so depended they are on others to reflex back that person who wears the mask. How the new victim/love is all good and you now are all bad. This will of course be repeated again and again with the new victim/love. Or unless after they age to a point that moving on become harder and harder due to a lack of opportunities. Sometimes I see it like musical chairs (remember the game?) and the last one to get the last chair after the music (lies) stops gets the sociopath for the remainder of the game. In short the winner of this game is really the loser of the game. I remember once after she quit going to therapy and I ask her why she refused to return to the sessions she told me how she didn’t “like” talking about her past. God now I see why and understand just how dark and unknown her past is to herself and everyone she is with today. Not only didn’t she “like” talking about her past she also denies it’s very existence. Guess this explains how they can “remake themselves” to something else over and over again or at least until the music stops and there is no more chairs but one which is reserved for the last victim. For all games come to an end even this one….

Wini

James: What you write has caught my attention for years … as I too notice how violators hate going to therapy to unravel their dirty deeds. Which tells me, they are more than aware how they con and manipulate everyone … not just a few, everyone.

There is a former co-worker of mine that has been manipulating, since High School (that I know of). I’m sure, others that have known her from childhood would attest to the fact that she manipulated, even back them.. I didn’t know her in grade school, but I knew her from H.S. days. She always, always, always plays the victim … that’s how she captures her audience. She’s tiny and petite, so naturally everyone (men and women) feel sorry for her.

Anyway. She was one of the regular card players (yes, woman play cards on weekends too …LOL) and the conversations she’s given over the years was incredible. I mentioned earlier how she didn’t understand why anyone (meaning me) would like a nice guy … other conversations with her were … “you have to manipulate the men in this office to always pick up the tabs after happy hour, they make the paycheck, not us” … or “if a woman isn’t married in society, she’s nothing” … “keep those male co-workers on their toes, play the game to the bosses that the males are always under suspicion for something derogatory … that’s easy, anything on a sexual nature” …

Just some of the conversation I heard come from her mouth over the years. And she is the ultimate game player I first learned of.

My answer to her statement about women who aren’t married in society … “what are you crazy! Women don’t have to be married in society to be someone …”, then the rest of the group said “Oh, Wini, lighten up, we aren’t talking about your divorce a couple of years ago … but you better grap “M” that you are dating now … to marry you”. I couldn’t believe it, not only did these ding dongs introduce me to “M” … my first roller coaster ride … I was at the time trying to figure out how to get this guy out of my life permanently.

Peace. It’s amazing how the inner thoughts of their minds truly work. For me to be in the inner circle of so many anti-socials was an experience, to say the least … I knew though, I had to slowly back away from them … keep backing up not to be noticed that I was never around again.

You never tell an @ssh*le, that they are an @ssh*le, because they are … an … @ssh*le.

Ox Drover

Yesterday when I went to the State Park where my living history group was camped for a demonstration, I ran into an old friend who was camped there with his grandchildren. I had run into his daughter a few months before and found out that there was severe trouble in the family. I had listened to his daughter tell me what a horrible man he was and how he and his wife (her mother) were abusing the daughter etc. etc. I just listened and then nodded occasionally.

When I got home I emailed my friend (the father) and told him that I had run into his daughter in a store and that I would keep him and his wife and family in my prayers. I didn’t have to tell him what his daughter had said to me about how he and his wife had “mistreated” her.

It was good to see my friend yesterday and find out that he and his wife now have permanent custody of both of his daughter’s children. The daughter and her husband (who is apparently severely disturbed and probably personality disordered as well) had finally signed over custody to her parents. His daughter has been diagnosed as Border LIne Personality disorder and something else he couldn’t remember the name of. My son C and I just stood and listened to him pour his heart out with frustration at the situation and relief to finally have the “signed paper” in his hand grantiing him and his wife custody of their beloved grandchildren who are the most innocent victims in this drama. He has the children and he and his wife are also going to counseling as well. The children’s father stoutly refuses counseling because the problem is “all his wife’s fault” (any of you heard THAT excuse before! LOL)

My son C had dated this BPD’s sister (apparently a normal person) for a while so had some more insight into the family dynamics. He also knew both the BPD daughter and her husband when they were all in college together when they were dating.

It is good to be able to listen to these people and let them know that you DO understand the pain and frustration they are going through to save the children they love so much from the trauma of it all, and still not being completely able to shield them from the trama and the drama. My heart and my prayers go out to them, and all people who are trying to shield the children from this hell on earth. Just having someone to BE THERE TO LISTEN appropriately, to support them and let them know that you understand their pain is a blessing, and one which WE I think are obligated to pass on.

Wini

Yup Oxy … and the sage does continue, doesn’t it? I’m glad you did that … calling the dad and telling him they were both in your prayers.

Just a little way of saying … you think you can get away with stuff, but the truth does float to the top … just takes a long, long time.

Peace Oxy cause I know you, you are not going to let this die quietly … and I know you will step back, way back and think about a good plan … takes time though … clear you mind and pray to God to help you. Harmony Hills is a beautiful, beautiful place to heal.

Molly

James:
I think you just very well may have saved my life and my sanity. I was agree with everything you said in the begining of your most recent post, as I just found out yesterday that my ex has recently “gotten over his depression and therefore now feels comfortable bring his new girlfriend around our old friends. It was said that he has actually been seeing her for a while. Gee maybe that is why when I got back home after my sister died that he did not touch me for almost 3 months. Maybe that why he treated me so disrespectfully, started stalking me, showing up where ever I was if I was gone longer than he expected. Maybe that why he became even more verbally abusive. It seemed as if he was tring his hardest to get me to leave. I could not understand it at the time, so I just tried loving him even more. I kept telling my self “be strong..you can get through this..and if you do you will live happily ever after. Where the Hell was I coming from? Anyway, when I was able to valadate my suspicions, I actually became jelous. How sick is that? I was more concerned with the thought that she was going to get the part of him I always wanted. I was convincing myself that she is probally the one that he will be loving to. I also started thinking, she is probally using and wearing all the things I left behind. Then I read what you said about “MUSICAL CHAIRS”.
James, I can not tell you how that was comparable to the BIGGEST IORN SKILLET anyone could have boinked me with. I have been told many times I am lucky I got out alive. After people would tell me that I would almost revert to defending him…oh..no he would never do that. I think I made myself believe that he loved me because I believe no one could possiblly be thinking of killing or hurting someone they love. I kept wondering is she pretty, is she smart, is he finally going to fix the fire place and will they be sitting in front of it for christmas. I doubt that he will take her to drive past his ex girl friends grandmothers house like he took me two years in a row. YOU MADE ME REALIZE………I am glad I lost, I am glad that I did not get “THE LAST CHAIR”. She may believe that she has won, just as I did….she may not be so lucky….she just very well may have gotten the last chair. I will pray for her saftey and well being. I wish I could warn her. What if am wrong and all works out for both of them, will I ever be Truely content?

I guess it does not matter. Because of you!!!!!I am greatfull. I will not make that call or take that plane back to ask why…I will just trust that GOD just has better plans……..plans that I would never be able to experience if I would have fought her for the last chair.

Thank you James….Thank you everyone…it’s finally starting to soak in….LOVE ALWAYS MOLLY

lostingrief

so, i’m taking a nap, and my doorbell rings.
i wasn’t expecting anyone, didn’t order anything to be delivered, didn’t know who it could be.
doorbell rings again. i gingerly look out my apt. window; don’t see anyone. then i hear someone say, ”hey, you! long time, no see.” and then i hear THE voice. “hey, girl, how you been! how’s your mom and sister…..” it was the demon. then i look out again, and i see the beast’s brother looking up at the window. but all my lights are off and my curtain is closed. i can see him but he can’t see me. i don’t look out again; i don’t want to lay eyes on the demon. at all. ever again. ever.
so i guess he figures if he brings his brother along, it’s okay to ring my bell? oh, HELL no.
my only emotional reaction as i listened to his phoney-ass conversation with that girl, and watched his brother waiting for him to finish as he stood in the rain was, “move on.”
i’m stunned that 1) he actually thinks that he has some right to ring my bell. 2) he thinks his brother provides some sort of ‘buffer zone’ and that makes it okay and 3) he thinks i might actually SPEAK to him!
what on earth could he possibly want from me after four months of NC?
what a jerk.

Wini

Molly: It just goes to prove … any time anyone doesn’t make sense, you are being screwed over. Everyone is an adult and knows how to have a direct conversation … it’s when they don’t want to make sense, your RED flags should automatically go up … something is wrong here.

Peace. I’m glad you got that BOINK on your head you needed to see the light … see truth… because the newest partner with them just hasn’t seen the selfish prick for what they really are… they are only seeing the mask that the person wants to show … yes, pray for her.

Selfish is as selfish does … and when it comes to greed and selfishness, it’s an empty pit … never, never, never to be filled… ever… until the twisted truth of this illogical thinking can be straightened out for them … but that takes patience, and patience is not what any of them have… that’s why they all need to be incarcerated. Kept in one place for years for therapist to break down their walls and work on their negative, twisted, selfish, greedy thinking.

Peace… you are one of the lucky ones … like the rest of us on this blog … we are all lucky that truth is setting us free.

Ox Drover

Dear LIG,

I KNOW WHAT HE WANTS!!!! You are his PROPERTY, AND HE WANTS TO KNOW HE CAN PICK YOU UP OFF THE FLOOR ANYTIME HE WANTS, and then throw you back on the floor when he is playing with something else. (notice I did not say Some ONE ELSE, because she wouldn’t be a person either, just a THING like you are, just a piece of property.

Yea and they think we are IDIOTS cause we fall for their crap, but when we SEE THE LIGHT, they can’t believe we do, so they just keep coming back, NO SHAME AT ALL.

Wini

Oxy & Lostingrief: All our EXs that we blog about should be lined up … for that big smack on their butts … before they head to prison cells.

Actually, I think the courts should order that one smack for all these folks just to be publicly humiliated before they get locked away for a few years. They’r so smug … they’ll probably brag that the smack they got didn’t hurt … not having a clue, it was the public humiliation we wanted to take effect stupids.

Peace … and NO CONTACT Lost … NO CONTACT so he can’t spin your head and make you spit pea soup like that little girl in the exorsist.

Hey, maybe that movie was about some poor girl that got involved with a big ego boyfriend … look at the mess she was, depressed, lying in bed, couldn’t get out of her own way … and we all thought it was about the devil … the other devil! Not the devils we’re blogging about. Anyway, so depressed, couldn’t go to school, couldn’t eat, couldn’t talk right … had her head spinning all over the place because of the likes of them … that a priest had to come in and talk sense to her … get her thinking back on track.

Hey, it’s a snowy rainy day here … so my imagination is getting carried away on this blog.

LOL.

PeggyW,

There’s no doubt that sociopaths hate being recognized for what they are. You don’t even have to say it out loud, they’ll see the recognition in your eyes. They are that talented.

Of course they’ll maintain the fiction with others and may even try to paint you as the troubled one to others, as you said. I remember at one of my father’s hospitals there was a sociopath that was allowed full freedom of the grounds. He had killed a girlfriend and her mother. My mother always said he looked like such a sweet guy it was hard to believe he had done it. After the crime I’m sure it took him only a half hour (well maybe a half day) to get back to his happy go lucky self.

To everyone else, hello, I haven’t posted for a month or so. I wanted to let you all know that I have a post on ‘personal experience with sociopaths’ websites. http://pathwhisperer.wordpress.com/2008/11/30/the-engine-driving-increased-public-awareness-of-sociopathy-personal-experience/ Among others I listed Lovefraud Blog. If anyone knows other ‘personal experience’ websites please feel free to add them. Thanks.

lostingrief

LOL. he still thinks i’m his property after all this time?
wow, he is delusional.
well, it got me thinking about him … for about half an hour.
i’m already so over it.
TOWANDA!!!!!

Wini

You make me smile all the time Lostingrief. You go girl!

Peace. Hey, keep kicking him to the curb in your mind … any time you go out to get your mail … look at the curb in front of you … imagine him 5 inches tall sitting and crying below the curb, can’t get anyone to pick him up over the curb (LOL).

All in God’s time frame … Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.

Peace.

alohatraveler

Peggy,

You have ripped off the MASK.

I know you will never be deceived again by a man like this OR one like any of the BAD ONES we have described here.

Thanks for sharing this clear view of what is behind the mask and thanks for all the great articles you have sent me. I put them in a book today which is something I have been meaning to do for a long time. I dub you “LoveFraud Librarian.”

From your friend, Aloha.
:o)

eyeswideshut

Oxy D, you are the best! Turn this crap into fertalizer. That is what we all try to do and teach and support each other here, As Ronald Reagan used to say , there is a pony in there somewhere. Does not mean that we cannont see manure for what it is. I love you oxy. “We make the path by walking” Peace

hens

so i am going to get a vpo (victims protection order) have never had to do this before – he is a physco – I know it will piss him off – but I just can’t sit back and watch him continue to use me – he left here almost 9 months ago and I found out last week he is carrying me on his insurance and collecting every time I fill a perscription and HIS insurance is saying I have medicare B? I never have filed for medicare or disability – what is he up too? Well my insurance company contacted me and said something fraudulant was going on and someone was pretending to be me – so put your crash helmets on LF friends its going to be a bumpy ride…..

bird

My ex-sociopath wrote to wish me a happy thanksgiving. he wrote he missed the baby. he has met the baby once, how much can he miss him!?! And also the other women wrote to me too, to ask me what the baby needed for Christmas! Are you serious? I thought I blocked her, so I had my email add her as SPAM. Now she will go straight to my spam. And, I am not replying to him. Seriously, this whole thing has been the strangest experience of my life. Today I went through emails just to remind myself how crazy he is. He was prefessing his love right to me right up to the day he told me about her. And then like a lightbulb, he had turned everything off for me. And now the other women writes to me about Christmas presents, and the women has never met the baby and NEVER WILL. And then he writes saying he misses the baby. It’s all a bunch of craziness. LIG, why don’t they just leave us alone? And why is the other women writing to me? Seriously.

bird

Henry, just read yours!!! May God bless us all.

hens

Thank you Bird – Your x is filling his new gf with lie’s, he probably use’s (your) baby as an excuse for his cheating on her – like telling her he is going to go spend the day with his baby and she is falling for hook line and sinker – and she want’s to do something for his babie to so she can please him – Bird I will keep you in my thoughts – —-

lostingrief

bird: i dunno. i think if they left us alone they would lose whatever control they think they still have over us.
as for the OW, she’s doomed. and yea, she has some nerve writing to you.
i think henry is right. she probably thinks he’s over your house with the baby when he’s probably out cheating on her.
god, they’re sickening.
today was the first day i felt NOTHING for my ex.
TOWANDA!!!!!

anetsu

OMG!!! It’s true, today the mask cracked for me after years of thinking I was the crazy one. She was a very beautiful female and she knew it! It started with her telling me her woes and asking for money which I gave her $2000.00. she move from her state to mine saying she left it all behind. I was unknowing but she kept that relationship up while the one with me for seven months until her lies were found out. i kicked her out but let her back in…it was good for awhile until i had doubts again…after some checking,her business trips out of town were in fact to someone from my past who I had dated very briefly. She went with the soul purpose to “screw”them” as she told me later because it was revenge. It was hell again but after three weeks she convinced me it was a mistake and i let her back in again! It was about a yr before she was bored and it started again. she had a new friend. she was very secretive about and when I asked her to stop the relationship she said she did. which turned out to be an embarassment to me. I text her one evening asking her if she would be home and “her unknowing victim” text me back from HER phone. Saying i was the evil one and i should be ashamed of what i had done to her! I had the “other woman” put her on the phone and she couldnt tell her she loved me…..but she would be at my house in a few minutes!!! And to this day she tells me she is not sorry because I made her do it!!!! I haven’t told the whole story. I paid I don’t know how many bills from this womans past because of what she said someone else was at fault. One night i was out trying to win a kareoke contest to get her money to pay past taxes and she said i had to go out with her friend because she didnt trust me. this friend informed me she could possibly have an STD! i blew it off but the next morning i confronted her about it! She lied and i could tell she was lying. she became confrontational and I let her get me in a headlock and she pushed me into a wall and my back cracked….i fell to the floor! she asked me if i was okay and i got up and we fought again. she left for work and i went to the doctor.. My back was fractured in two places and i was off work for three months. I didnt do nothing!!!! a few months later, she wanted to go out with a friend who i knew was a druggie…i tried to stop her but she drug me down my 100 ft driveway with her car when i tried to stop her. i called the police but refused to press charges. I didnt want her to go to jail! Then she beat me down again one night and she used everything in her power to get me. I had bought a six pack of beer on a Wednesday evening and at ten oclock we got into a fight, I called 911 from my cell phone and when the police arrived they didnt believe me. she told them i was a beligerant drunk and i said i have consumed five since four this afternoon. Didnt matter ,she used her charm and they let her stay in the house and told me I had no visible signs to let me press charges. I stayed in a different part of the house but a few hours later I got up for work and the entire right side of my face was black!!! i went to where she was and said. Look what you have done! she refused, so i took my hands and turned her head around to look at me! she said im calling 911 I said fine when i can Im gonna press charges. I was arrested later for assault!!!! It took $1000.00 but ultimately it was thrown out because of all the medical records and police reports i had. She was never charged. I ran a whowhere search on her and it came up with over 40 addresses for her. And also there were two other people in different states that had had Emergency protective orders against her at one time after digging further. These people are ruthless!!!! Still at this time she is having her friends call me, sending me texts telling me what an idiot she has been. the worst part is….when I talk to these friends, they defend her and there are no words humanly possible for me to state my case. I just have to look like an uncaring person and get the hell out!!!!!

Ox Drover

Dear LIG, TOWANDA!!! Great, you go girl friend!!!!!

Dear Eyes wideshut,

Thank you my dear, but what ELSE can you do with that much bull crap? The thing we have to do is to make fertilizer out of it and use it to fertilize the flowers in us for the rest of our lives living P-FREE.

Sometimes I even still get the urge to pick up a hand full and smear it in their faces, up their noses and into their mouths, and cover their hair and rub it in, but you know what, if you stir chit, you get chit on YOU. So the best thing to do is shovel it into a pile and let it compost so it won’t stink, and soon it will be rich potting soil that will make the finest flowers grow in our lives.

Ox Drover

Dear anetsu,

Welcome to love fraud. I’m sorry you have had such a time with this person. She definitely sounds like a psychopath.

Hang around here and read and learn about the psychopaths, and also learn about US (the people who allow them to victimize us over and over) KNowlecdge=Power and the only way we can get back our power is to learn about them, and about ourselves.

This is a healing place and believe me when I say WE BELIEVE YOU, and WE UNDERSTAND, we’ve been there. (((hugs)))) and welcome.

anetsu

Thanks OxDrover!!!!
it is so comforting that someone knows what i am talking about!!! Finally someone who knows my pain

quest

well Donna i feel that the way you described the situation in this essay was perfect . So here is the question . How does one retaliate or defend or deal with it . Well one thing for sure , in my mind , is never forget and sure as hell never forgive . If you forgive a psychopath you are mearly opening yourself up for more abuse . Forgiving a psychopath would be like forgiving a shark before it bites your leg off . Considering that a psychopath feels no remorse , forgiveness is pointless just as any apology from a psychopath would be pointless and certainly not genuine . Psychopaths are after your destruction whether it be mental or physical . It seems to me that a lot of what is said in the bible about forgiveness was probably written by a psychopath . Forgive a psychopath and they will just come at you from another direction . Getting back to the bible for a minute . Who really wrote the bible . Lets assume for a minute that Jesus was real , which incidently I do believe . However what came next . Jesus was crucified . Did he then rise from the dead , I doubt it . What then happened was that christianity went underground for a couple a hundred years and then Constantine became the first christian emperor when he legalized christianty . Why did he do this . Probably because he realised that if he did not, he was going to have a big problem . The easiest way to quell your enemy is to embrace them . But first you take their doctrine and rewrite it to suit your purpose . It was Constantine and his people who wrote the bible . This was how the catholic church was born . The catholic church , through the centuries was responsible for the deaths of more people than probably any other group . Even today the psychopathic nature of this organisation is obvious with all the law suites against them because psychopathic priests were molesting children all over the world . I must say that having been in a relationship with a psychopath has opened my eyes to the bigger picture of what has been going on in the world through the centuries . Suddenly a lot that did not make sense is suddenly so obvious its scary . Throughout history it was the victor who wrote history . The losers side is hardly ever told .
I guess that in a way I feel that studying psychopaths from a clinical stand point is all well and good . There brain waves may be different but so what . What is this kind of research really going to tell us ?. As I have said before I feel that their is far more to be learned from us victims than by studying them in a laboratory situation . The nastiness of a psychopath is hard to understand unless you have experienced it , and even then that understanding is somewhat limilted unless of coarse one was a psychopath . For a minute there I wondered , do psychopaths try to manipulate each other ?. Before I finished the thought I realised they do , as there are two at work that are always at it . However their intereactions are somewhat different to the true psychopath victim relationship. I will have to think about that one some more . Well as Robert Hare said , I believe, there is only one way to deal with a psychopath and that is with overwhelming force . Overwhelming mental force should do in most cases . Question is where does one find that force . It is my belief that once you have understood the nature of the psychopath that force will come almost naturally . One theory I have , is attack in kind . Whatever game they are playing play it back . The best defense is a good offense . Confront them on the spot but always make sure there are witnesses . Psychopaths have to be beaten , forgive them and it will be your downfall .

quest

I just realised that it was Peggywhoever that wrote the essay , sorry about that . Anyway I liked it anyway

Send this to a friend