I am not sure if I will continue to post each week. Many of the stories carry the same theme and I think most of you on this site know what a sociopath is capable of, how much destruction they leave in their path and how we all felt once we discovered the truth.
For me, it’s really about the road to recovery. The first and most helpful tool I was given was Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. It helped so much to see it in writing, the same behaviors, manipulation and the different types of sociopaths. Lovefraud provides the best resource I have found to date (thank you Donna). Then it was all about acceptance. I needed to accept that my father never loved me. That one took a while, but I began to understand that “he couldn’t give me something he didn’t have”, which was love. Once I accepted this it was easy to forgive him, another key for me.
I have had other sociopaths in my life; in fact I think I was attracted to it as a result of being raised by one. Only now I recognize that uneasy feeling I get from being around someone I cannot trust. It’s like background noise, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. Today I trust those feelings and do what I have learned from others and books. I cut my losses and move on. It has been my experience that the only option is to remove yourself from any and all unnecessary contact with a sociopath.
Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”¦and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. That’s how I see it today. As odd as it may sound I would not change my experience for anything. I wouldn’t want to do it again I assure you, but today I am grateful for it.
Thank you, Travis, again for sharing with LoveFraud. Highly appreciated.
I was perusing Romans last night and I read the verses…(Romans 1:28-32)…
28–And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper,
29–being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips.
30–slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents,
31–without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful;
32–and, although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.
Well…if that doesn’t completely sum of the psychopathic personality I have no idea what does. Written, right there for all to see, in the Holy Bible.
I continued reading the verses and came upon The Results of Justification by Faith (Romans 5:1-11)…
1–Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2–through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into the grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.
3–And not only this, but we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;
4–and perseverance, prover character; and proven character, hope;
5–and hope does not dissapoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has given to us.
See? All our trials and tribulations will prove to be important if we heed the messages being sent and learn from them. So, no Travis, you don’t sound “odd” to me not in the least.
🙂
Peace, love and joy to all
Travis:
This was an incredibly beautiful sentiment:
“Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. ”
Thank you,
PeggyPseu
Your posts are appreciated and your story is extremely inspiring. Thank you.
Like you, I had an S/P for a father. And while mine never committed murder (that I know of), he was ruthless and cruel. It took me until I was well into my 30s to fully accept what he was, and fully integrate the understanding that I would always both love and hate him.
Because of our pasts, we survivors will always be vulnerable to these types, and sites like this one can help us stay grounded in our new awareness. Stay wary. Stay alert. I hope you continue to read and post. Each of our voices may be helping untold numbers of others.
A quote that I like, and I have no idea where it came from, probably somewhere I read it once, and it struck a chord in my heart and I remember it.
“The finest China has been through the hottest fires.”
I think that people who have never had anything “go wrong” in their life, and do not get to “grow” from the painful experiences we (as humans) go through—failure at something dear to us, loss of something or someone we love either through death or separation, etc.—all those things make us stronger.
I know parents who try to sheild their children from all unhappy experiences in life, and I think that they do a disservice to their children by not letting them experience life in an age-appropriate way. The puppy dies and the child cries, let the child grieve over his friend, don’t rush out and replace the puppy the next day in order to stop the child’s tears. Children need to learn as they grow how to handle life’s disappointments, life’s failures.
We (as former victims) got PhDs in pain and grief, loss and frustration, but we can learn from these, turn them into positive experiences, just as Dr. Viktor Frankl turned his years in the Nazi prison camps into a growth and learning experience for himself, a spiritual ladder to climb to greater heights.
It is only, I think, when we don’t learn the “lesson” that is contained in our suffering and pain that we repeat the “lesson” until we do get it. I hope and pray to God that I have “gotten it” well enough to avoid another repetition of the “lesson.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from other’s experiences and advice, and many of humanity is too much like I am, and has to experience the lesson for themselves, up close and personal, before they can “get it” but if I can comfort even one other person and help them, then my pain and grief have not been in vain, if I can grow and avoid future pain, then my pain has not been in vain.
I’m sitting here watching a re-run of Dr. Stone interviewing one of the Mason groupies. The woman who the group went after for not going along with their destruction of others. Dr. Stone asked her what was it in you that allowed you not to go along with the others to hurt or murder others. She said, I couldn’t understand why they had no compassion for others… or something along that line.
I think the woman that didn’t go along with Manson’s renegades was not physically or mentally abused as a child. I believe if we ask those in prison what their childhoods were like (e.g. were they put down, insulted, called good for nothing, or stupid or any number of derogatory names a parent can say to a child to lower their self esteem, tear them down to sub human other than build up their self esteem, knowing they are worthy individuals. Same with physical violence (e.g. were those people as children, beaten, wiped, punched, kicked … etc.). What was it in their childhoods to allow them to grow up … thinking it was OK to violate another?
Same with anti-social personalities today, what is it from their childhood … whether in the family unit, or childhood friends that caused acceptance of violence to escalate. Remembering that children will internalize blame to themselves for their reason their parents argue or eventually divorced or just walked out on each other. Same with children who’s fathers never marry their mothers … walk out before they are born.
All of the above lower children’s self esteem initially and they carry that lower opinion with them through their lives until they can sit back, look at the bigger picture and work them out.
I think programs should be initiated in the school systems how to step back, think about situations overnight (allowing a longer period for reaction time) to look at bigger pictures in life. Showing on to have patience, how to work out problems. People need to be taught these skills, not just assume it’s being taught in the family unit.
Just a thought.
Peace.
Ya’ll rock. Thank you-
Love your stuff TRavis and Janesmith- the quotes are just what I need right now.
How funny-when I would b with my S and his family– although they were all trust fund kids who do not even work in their 40’s– all they did was talk down about other people. I could not understand it- there was no appreciation for anything or anyone! Everything was negative about others. And the gossip- and about their own siblings and parents. Too bad i was not more into the bible when i should have been. I did not know my S was just like them til it was too late. Oh well.
I start training to be a flight attendant in one day. Totally new line of work. Freaking out.
I know it is very trite and cliche, but I think going through stuff like this builds character. I hope that whoever we all choose to let into our lives can respect who we are and appreciate what we’ve been through.
StarG: For some it builds character … for others it totally destroys their self esteem. Same thing you see on this blogg … everyone at their own pace to healing.
There is always a scale of 1-10 for anything in life.
Different strokes for different folks.
Even if personalities can take it and it does build character ..l. how did they make lemonade out of lemons? Find out what works for some and how others are destroyed.
Peace.
Wini,
New life sprouts even after a horrible forest fire. But sometimes it takes a long time. I am 48, survivor of a very abusive childhood. I have been scarred, but I refuse to let it destroy me. I think we have to choose life because what is the alternative?
Your post brings to mind something that was pointed out to me years ago. We are all human and going to have pain in our lives and we have no control over that. How much we suffer from that pain is something we can control though.