I am not sure if I will continue to post each week. Many of the stories carry the same theme and I think most of you on this site know what a sociopath is capable of, how much destruction they leave in their path and how we all felt once we discovered the truth.
For me, it’s really about the road to recovery. The first and most helpful tool I was given was Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. It helped so much to see it in writing, the same behaviors, manipulation and the different types of sociopaths. Lovefraud provides the best resource I have found to date (thank you Donna). Then it was all about acceptance. I needed to accept that my father never loved me. That one took a while, but I began to understand that “he couldn’t give me something he didn’t have”, which was love. Once I accepted this it was easy to forgive him, another key for me.
I have had other sociopaths in my life; in fact I think I was attracted to it as a result of being raised by one. Only now I recognize that uneasy feeling I get from being around someone I cannot trust. It’s like background noise, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. Today I trust those feelings and do what I have learned from others and books. I cut my losses and move on. It has been my experience that the only option is to remove yourself from any and all unnecessary contact with a sociopath.
Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”¦and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. That’s how I see it today. As odd as it may sound I would not change my experience for anything. I wouldn’t want to do it again I assure you, but today I am grateful for it.
I need help. I’m starting to really, really hate myself for being such a naive, trusting idiot. I have major abandonment issues and to just think what I do for for this guy makes me sick to my stomach. I really loved him and he is such a cheat and liar and major user. I look like such an idiot to everybody and I can’t explain how I look to myself. I still can’t go up and lock my house he’s living in. I saw him at the OW’s house Wednesday night and I still couldn’t do it. I left a note saying I saw where he was, and now as punishment he hasn’t called or come to my store. He is still staying at my other house merrily as can be. It doesn’t phase him how hurt I was. He just goes on. I’m sicker than he is. I can so relate to Trinity. I can’t cope. I really can’t.
Where is my pride? Where is my strength? Where did I go? What the hell happened to me? How the hell does a piece of S#*t get the upper hand? Why do I even know someone so awful? He doesn’t deserve anything in life, let alone love. I fed into all of this and helped create more of a monster.
Dear nokeeper,
I don’t know your exact story, but I can tell you this: you have been victimized by a sociopath. This is one of the most traumatic events a person can go through. The fact that he victimized you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you loved him and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. We’ve all been there. Most people have issues of some sort. Sociopaths actually prey on these issues and use them to exploit you. It’s very very destructive and evil. These types actually prey on people who are kind hearted, forgiving, trusting, and who will put up with bad behaviors. They seek out compassionate people. There is nothing wrong with being compassionate. You are going to feel awful for a while. You will feel all kinds of shame, anger, guilt and depression. But I’ll tell you what…..once you get away from him and some time has gone by, you will start to see things more clearly. You can then start to ask yourself why you put up with so much. Yes, there is an answer to that, and the answers will point you toward healing and protecting yourself from this happening with someone else. But the last person you need to be beating up on right now is you! Read some of the other stories here, and you will see that you are not alone. No one expects that the guy they meet will be a liar, a cheat, and a con artist.
If you give us more information about how he is living in your house, maybe we could brainstorm and figure out how you can get him out.
Warmly,
StarG
StarG Thanks for responding. I wrote my story under “Why is getting out so hard thread”about Nov 8.Since I’m not in my right mind, I don’t know if I’ve registered under another name on my home computer. It was Imakeeper-not. Now it’s a differnt name and I’m at my store computer. I guess you guys must have thought I dropped off the planet, but in truth the responses I got that day were so kind and honest and compassionate I cried (alot) and then sort of crawled into a dark hole where I seemed unable to respond further because I couldn’t act on all the so right on responses. I know in my heart all the answers were right –I just couldn’t act on them and I have been so ashamed.
Dear Nokeeper,
You aren’t sick. He is. You are caring and giving. He took and is taking advantage of you, exploiting you and your relationship. Only a sick person does this.
Intelligent caring people sometimes get exploited…there are hundreds right here on this site. Forgive yourself and put the blame where it truly belongs.
I know it is hard to make yourself stop. Hard to stop “helping”, (read: letting them use us). Sometimes people have to get good and angry and be completely fed up to do it. Unfortunately they (the bad people), sometimes can sense this and will take you just to the brink….and then reel you back in. Beware. Blame shifting, the pity ploy, rationalizing…all tools in their manipulation tool box.
Reading your post, some things jumped out at me…
makes me sick to my stomach
he is such a cheat and a liar and a major user
I saw him at the other woman’s house the other night
as punishment he hasn’t…..
He is still staying at my other house
It doesn’t phase him how hurt I was. He just goes on.
Total violation, disregard, using, no empathy, no remorse
Ask youself why you have not kicked him out. Why did you leave him the note. What response were you hoping for? Be careful what you ask for because you might get it.
I saw a good quote the other day…before you take the blame, remember this quote…..”Meanness doesn’t happen overnight”
Peace, Be Well and HUGS
We are with you in spirit,
*escaped*
Dear Nokeeper,
I remember you..not the exact story, but how upset you were.
Please don’t let him keep hurting you. There is much help here…healing help.
Stargazer said it all….”once you get away from him and some time has gone by, you will start to see things more clearly. ”
Healing happens, life becomes happy again. It really does!
Peace, Be Well and Hugs
*escaped*
Dear Escaped–Thanks and hugs back. Sometimes I think I am getting just what I deserve, for being an idiot with him and because it’s so hard to stop. But I just wanted to believe that someone wouldn’t lie to me over and over and over. I’ve always been there for him. He always says “You’re such a good person. You’re the best person I know. All I did was love him for 13 years and I wanted to believe him. How can a person just rip you to shreds all the time and not care. How can one be such a fool to believe when someone tells you they love you, even though you know what you see, and you know it does just not compute?
I mean, I know a fire is hot and I will burn my hand if I stick it in the fire. I don’t need the same lesson over and over. However, I guess I need to have my life blow up in my face before I get the message with all of this craziness. Why don’t I just douse myself with gas and light a match, and then say duh, I should have known that would hurt.
Dear NOkeeper,
In a way we all do just that “douse ourselves with gas and light a match”—you are not alone in this. Very few of us get out until we are BURNED TO A CRISP emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Yes, we loved them, gave them love, gave them multiple chances even after they had THROWN GASOLINE ON US AND LIT US ABLAZE, and then we would go back for more, somehow thinking it must have been a mistake. WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!
But, by learning about them, and learning also about ourselves—why we would continually and over and over allow such abuse from someone. Why did we stay?
Hang around here, READ AND LEARN, the more you learn the stronger you will be. You are free to post as much as you like or as little. Don’t feel ashamed, cause no matter how “dumb” you have been there are hundreds of us here that were “dumb-er” but we are working our ways out of this pain, out of this hitting ourselves over the head, learning to love ourselves, be good to ourselves.
None of us deserved what they did to us. You don’t deserve what he did to you. It is not your fault. You maybe do need to learn to set boundaries, but you know what, no matter if you have boundaries or not, it is NOT OKAY FOR ANYONE TO TREAT YOU THAT WAY.
I realize how hard it is to “give up” on someone and realize that no matter how muchyou loved them, THEY NEVER LOVED YOU. That hurts, big time! But nothing you can do will ever fix them, they are not capable of being “fixed” because they ENJOY giving others pain. Hang around and read and learn more, and your strength will get better and the pain will get less. KNOWLEDGE=POWER. (((hugs))))and God bless you.
Dear no keeper,
I just went and read your previous post. You have been to Hell and back. So fire isn’t the answer. Please stop blaming yourself.
We have all been there. We all felt stupid. But after awhile, alot of shared experiences here on Lovefraud, and good books and articles you’ll see recommended here you will see, you are not alone. You were conned. They tell you they love you, even act like they love you but they do not have the capacity to love. They are empty voids like black holes. The find people who can love and suck them dry. They entice you over and over with what truly feels and sounds like love at the time. But it does not look like love…..actions, they are true.
They are so good at the con. It is how they survive so they have to be. You give and they take and they eek out just enough of what looks like love to you to keep you hooked.
Remember, this is thier livelihood so they are EXPERTS at it.
They can con nearly anyone.
If you fell back into him, it’s because he still had you on the hook. Until you get off the hook you can’t save yourself. They will try to reel you back in and you will bite, hook line and sinker. Please, go No Contact so you can gain some perspective. Then deal with the house and such. In the meantime, learn everything you can about these insects and why we get victimized by them…how they pick us, etc.
Please vent to us here, we’ve all been there. We understand and many wonderful souls here will help you learn.
Peace, Be Well, and Hugs
*escaped*