I am not sure if I will continue to post each week. Many of the stories carry the same theme and I think most of you on this site know what a sociopath is capable of, how much destruction they leave in their path and how we all felt once we discovered the truth.
For me, it’s really about the road to recovery. The first and most helpful tool I was given was Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. It helped so much to see it in writing, the same behaviors, manipulation and the different types of sociopaths. Lovefraud provides the best resource I have found to date (thank you Donna). Then it was all about acceptance. I needed to accept that my father never loved me. That one took a while, but I began to understand that “he couldn’t give me something he didn’t have”, which was love. Once I accepted this it was easy to forgive him, another key for me.
I have had other sociopaths in my life; in fact I think I was attracted to it as a result of being raised by one. Only now I recognize that uneasy feeling I get from being around someone I cannot trust. It’s like background noise, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. Today I trust those feelings and do what I have learned from others and books. I cut my losses and move on. It has been my experience that the only option is to remove yourself from any and all unnecessary contact with a sociopath.
Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”¦and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. That’s how I see it today. As odd as it may sound I would not change my experience for anything. I wouldn’t want to do it again I assure you, but today I am grateful for it.
nokeeper:
You wrote: “Where is my pride? Where is my strength? Where did I go? What the hell happened to me? How the hell does a piece of S#*t get the upper hand? Why do I even know someone so awful? He doesn’t deserve anything in life, let alone love. I fed into all of this and helped create more of a monster.”
Your pride, your strength and your essence are still in there. You were conditioned to ignore them for a time because you thought you were using them to help and love someone
He pretended to be something he is not. He pretended to be what you wanted or needed. The person you knew was not the “so awful” one. It was the one he pretended to be. The facade he showed you. You did not create more of a monster. You acted out of love and compassion and the Monster tried to devour you. The fact that you are seeing the truth means he did not succeed. You can heal and learn to avoid his type in the future. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
And many good people here still in the process of walking toward it together.
Peace, Be Well and Hugs
*excaped*
Nokeeper,
It’s very important that you don’t beat yourself up. If there are people in your life who might be judgmental or harsh toward you because you were fooled, then don’t go around them. Surround yourself with acceptance, understanding and love. Post here. Do good things for yourself. Do what makes you happy or brings you comfort. Avoid people who don’t understand what you are going through.
Everyone is a potential victim to these predators. And they can fool anyone. Anyone.
There will be plenty of time for self-examination and self-work. But first, know that you are a good person, worthy of life and happiness and you did not deserve what happened to you.
No keeper-
You are not alone in what happened. I lost myself, my home, all my money, my self respect, absolutely EVERYTHING a person can lose. I am just barely hanging on, most days by less than a thread. Don’t you give up. There are a lot of folks here who will write you & listen to you. I have been reading on this site for a year, & just started posting a couple weeks ago. It’s not easy to write about how you feel, & how stupid you feel. We’ve already had our hearts ripped out. My heart is with you. I know how bad it hurts.
No keeper said: “I cried (alot) and then sort of crawled into a dark hole where I seemed unable to respond further because I couldn’t act on all the so right on responses. I know in my heart all the answers were right ”“I just couldn’t act on them and I have been so ashamed.”
No Keeper, You actually have much more courage than I had when I first started realizing my “situation” with my ex P. I posted a few times on a site (not this one) and since I also received good advice but couldn’t follow thru with it, I was too ashamed to ever post again. So, IMO, you have tremendous courage and insight and nothing to be ashamed of, because you realize the advice was good and that you are having trouble taking it. You are simply still in the fog, but the fact that you have the courage to post here and say that, tells me you are really much further along than you are giving yourself credit for.
You are reaching out for support, and if it takes you weeks, or months, or even a year to finally break all contact and take action to get him out of your house and life, the important thing is you are trying, you are admitting the situation for what it is, you are reaching out from isolation and confusion, and you are trying. So keep posting your feelings, any doubts, and ask questions, and keep reading this site. You will get there.
Wouldn’t it be fun if we all harrassed each other’s sociopaths…….We could have them all in turmoil wondering how all these people know what they are. And how do they know. Kind of like that movie “I know what you did last summer.” I’m not really serious about this, but wouldn’t it be funny. I’ll take care of mine on my own. And honestly, I think I could probably educate him on what a midwest ass whoopin really is. Can anybody tell I’m still really pissed? 🙂
Bunny,
he would love the AssWhoopin.
They love drama, they love knowing that you cared enough to whoop their ass, or send them to prison, or whatever. The only thing they can’t stand is being ignored. You have that power. Use it.
Skylar I know. I have been ignoring everything. Changed and cancelled email addresses and phone number. I know it’s driving him crazy because he’s still making online posts about me and it’s been 2 months with no contact. I just wish there was a way to make him pay where it hurt. But I guess doing that would make me no better than him.
BunnyWabbit,
Sky is right about No Contact. But technically, you aren’t really NC if you are still visiting a site where you are able to read him posting about you. Remember, NC is like very radical surgery – and you have to cut EVERYTHING out!
By the way, I weally wike your scween name, Ms. Wabbit! – Gwad to make your akwaintence! (though sowwy it has to be at a pwace wike this!)
Bunny,
It’s not about whether you are like him or not. It’s about being slimed by him. They are trying to make us FEEL and BE like them. That’s why we end up feeling the need for vengeance, it’s because they intended it.
The key is to not let it show that you were contaminated by his slimy, vengeful nature. And the second point is to gray rock him because that IS the ultimate revenge against a spath. They hate that. Being ignored makes them feel that they don’t exist. It petrifies them. That’s why they are always creating drama. They need the attention in order to validate their existence.
Right now he doesn’t know I visit those sites. He placed a Craigs List ad for sex using my full name and location and phone number and email. He still has my work number and email. I am just making sure that if I have to do damage control that I am aware of it so I don’t have to explain to the boss why people are calling my job wanting to have sex with me. lol. I have filed a police report locally and one in the town he lives in. The police chief called him after I sent him a 12mb PDF of all the email threats. So while I would like to pretend he just doesn’t exist, he’s stupid and I don’t trust him. In the spring I am planning on moving out of state. So that will eliminate the job issues of him finding me. But until then, like I said, he is vengeful and I don’t trust him an inch.