I am not sure if I will continue to post each week. Many of the stories carry the same theme and I think most of you on this site know what a sociopath is capable of, how much destruction they leave in their path and how we all felt once we discovered the truth.
For me, it’s really about the road to recovery. The first and most helpful tool I was given was Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. It helped so much to see it in writing, the same behaviors, manipulation and the different types of sociopaths. Lovefraud provides the best resource I have found to date (thank you Donna). Then it was all about acceptance. I needed to accept that my father never loved me. That one took a while, but I began to understand that “he couldn’t give me something he didn’t have”, which was love. Once I accepted this it was easy to forgive him, another key for me.
I have had other sociopaths in my life; in fact I think I was attracted to it as a result of being raised by one. Only now I recognize that uneasy feeling I get from being around someone I cannot trust. It’s like background noise, almost unnoticeable, but it’s there. Today I trust those feelings and do what I have learned from others and books. I cut my losses and move on. It has been my experience that the only option is to remove yourself from any and all unnecessary contact with a sociopath.
Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”¦and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift. That’s how I see it today. As odd as it may sound I would not change my experience for anything. I wouldn’t want to do it again I assure you, but today I am grateful for it.
BunnyWabbit came from the several years I was doing wildlife rehab and all I ever did was cottontail bunnies. 🙂
This was very helpful to me:
Someone once told me that the past is for inspiration, not limitation”and I believe that today. I started to focus on the things in life I was grateful for, not where I thought I was “cheated”. Experience in this life is the thing of supreme value if we are willing to learn from it and then use it to help others. It then becomes a gift
RIght now, though, I am stuck on trying to make sense of this — and it really is impossible to do that. My faith is very important to me — and it is in large part what made me accept this man into our lives. He had had — so he said — such an awful life — yet he seemed initially to NOT be marred by bitterness. As we got to know him better, and as he began to try to control my daughter — the bitterness began to come out — though who knows what was true and what he fabricated. He used stories of past tragedies — and fabricated new tragedies to manipulate my daughter into staying with him – to make her feel guilty for things that were not guilt-worthy…. and I felt bad for him. My church is very important to me, and we asked him to go with us to church. He told us that he did not like church — and that he had met too many hypocrites to believe in God anymore. My hope was that as he spent time with us and saw our faith — that he would come to have faith again too. I told him countless times that God does not bring people into our lives for no reason. Nothing is a coincidence. THen when he told us he had cancer, we — my family — my church, my friends’ churches, my friends, my students — all prayed for him . I wept for this man…. and how we rejoiced when he was told he was cancer free after surgery and treatment — and again when he recovered his voice ( which I believe he never lost, now) — and through it all — he told me that from being with us and seeing us pray him through this, he was starting to believe in God again… and then we found out that it was all lies. So I am left feeling that GOd has played a very bad trick on me — I feel cheated and defrauded — not only by this man – who I expected to marry my daughter — but also by God. If what I said is true — if nothing happens for naught — then WHAT IN THE WORLD was the purpose in this? I am so confused and heartbroken and just… broken
I dont know WHAT to learn from this experience.
kathie2: I am so sorry this has left you with such deep ruminations and doubting. Don’t think it had anything at all to do with you and your daughter. You must place the ‘blame’ where it truly belongs to be. With a scammer.
Sometimes these experiences take a long time to figure out and make sense of. I have been working on mine for five years now. I am starting to recover from emotional trauma, like you wouldn’t believe. I have been threatened, I have had murder attempted against me in one of the most horrid ways you could imagine. I am stalked, constantly. It never quite goes away. It has been a nightmare but you know what? “I” am and I HAVE won this battle. I have. Just like you and your daughter have. THEY ARE AWAY FROM US NOW. Right? I am sure there is a lesson to be learned here for all of us. How to temper ourselves and our kindnesses to prevent our being destroyed by selfish people.
IT IS NOT GODS FAULT there are EVIL beings on this earth that HE cannot control. These ‘beings’ seem to be growing in numbers and I do think it’s the ‘changing times’ in our world society. All of the greed, the selfishness, the self centered-ness. People have forgotten what compassion and caring is really all about. So they use the kind people and do dreadful and horrid things to them because if they can manipulate someone, it’s a rush for them; it makes them feel the importance they really WANT to have but don’t. They find it entertaining to always have drama and chaos in their life. They always like being the center of attention, no matter what is going on. They like the BAD attention as well as the GOOD. It’s all the same to them. Obviously, you and your daughter were being good supply. Just like I was: always giving; always caring…they only want more and more until they suck your soul through your nostrils. Then when that happens, they throw you in the garbage and move on to the next ‘victim’. At least that’s the way I see it, from this side of the ‘experience fence’.
Some people just aren’t worth readjusting our thoughts and our person for. Some people all you can do is shake your head and keep them away from you. I would not let this bother you one single bit. I sense you had a ‘deeper’ relationship with this JERKAZOID than your daughter’s; am I right? Sounds like he is trying to suck two souls at once out of the hens nest….be careful; be very careful…
NO PPATH/SPATH likes church. That is a place of mockery for them, since THEY consider themselves GODS.
Hang onto your faith and your beliefs. They will see you through to the other side of this ring of fire. When times get the toughest, that’s when you must cling the tightest.
What a despicable person!!!
I send you blessing and prayers…
We can’t and must not blame the GOOD FORCES in our world for the BAD THINGS that happen. There is only ONE PLACE the ‘blame’ rests in all of this and that is on the predator themselves. And, you know I am right.
I would lay this problem to rest and stay away from this horrible person. I too have been desperately searching for a way to explain to myself why this all happened in my life. I have been sucked into this for ten years now and have suffered heart surgeries, massive heart attack and endless threats on my life by a full fledge PSYCHOPATH. The spooky kind..I am not going to lay down and just give up because that was their original intention…
It’s evilness, kathie2, see it for what it truly is and you will be alright.
Dupey
Dear Kathie, hello. I’m so sorry that you have had this exp. You were conned …..like many of us here. It sounds as if you are still in the early stages of realising the truth. If so then trying to understand or look at the bigger picture is, IMO, just a step too far for your poor brain to process. At the moment anyway. Accepting that it happened is the first step. Forgiving yourself is the second. Looking for a definitive reason as to why it happened and for what purpose comes later. I’m about up to the chapter of why. Still, it’s small steps. I have days when I reminisce about the good times. The pretend good times that is. Nevertheless, the cog/diss still haunts and taunts me.
This is a wonderful, caring community of people all united by a common thread. You will find huge amounts of support and information so read, post and learn.
Ps. Don’t feel bad for being taken in by this thing. They are master manipulators and consummate actors. What’s more, they have hoodwinked professionals! Yes we were duped. We are down but we’re not out, Kathie.
I wish you strength on your journey. Good luck.
WOW…. I am totally blown away by your comments. SO helpful. A does of reality. THis is just as therapeutic as seeing my therapist — which is incredibly helpful!!
It’s just so hard to really believe that there are truly evil people out there. Thats silly — because intellectually I KNOW they do exist — all I need to do is watch the news… but somehow the fact that it’s in the news removes it from me enough that I don;t really need to “believe” it — or at least not truly deal with the fact of their existence, This experience, however, has smacked me in the face. THIS is REAL LIFE _- and it has touched us. That cognitive dissonance is very hard to come to terms with. The little girl in me still wants to believe that everyone is kind — and if I am kind — then others will be kind in return. And that’s just not the way life works in this world. THere are people at work with whom I will not deal because I consider them to be toxic — and they disturb my “serenity.” How much more so, then, should I SEE that this man was TOXIC and excise everything about him from our lives. It’s just so difficult and confusing. I guess that’s the acceptance part — JUST accept that he was evil and thank God he is gone.
Something that makes this difficult is that, he is very charming and helpful. I am a “fix-it” type of person — give me a problem or a project and I will “fix it” and see it through until it is done. I put myself out there on the line so often — just getting things done because no one else will do them. When someone comes in and tries to help ME — it’s like a breath of fresh air — and that’s what this man — AND my ex-husband did. They helped me do things I couldn;t do when no one else would. THe cost of this, however, was being deceived over and over and over. and that’s too much to pay. But I am off topic — Because they are so charming and “helpful” — they are accepted into a wide circle of friends and acquaintances…. my ex-husband into my church –and this man into a wide circle of former students and friends from church. The degree to which our lives are overlapping is just bizarre. Again — this just blows my mind — because he used his actual name — never bothered to change it — and he had to have known that we would eventually have friends in common. I guess that’s part of the rush for them — the riskiness of the situation gives them a thrill. I don’t know. Almost every day I learn of someone new that is a connection between us. and it hurts all over again. It’s just a constant reminder. And I want to SHOUT OUT what he has done to us — but then I fear I would look like a crazy woman.
It’s NOT being stalked — though I have dealt with that too from my ex-husband. He was so bad that we left the state and moved back to my home. It’s just the knowledge that he– or people we have in common — are always lurking — and therefore HE is still around. I don;t know how to deal with that part of it.
And Dupey — I did have a “deep” relationship with this man — deep in a different way from my daughter…. it was like a mother/son relationship. We talked about his problems, and his past tragedies, and we talked about the RIGHT way to treat others when he and my daughter fought — and he LISTENED to me — at least he appeared to listen.. I guess now that he was just acting — though he did do the things I said he needed to do — probably just to manipulate us further and fool us both. I have to keep remembering that all of this is based on lies… I mean — how could he really be “working” on a relationship with my daughter when he is already married. It’s just SICK. Underneath his appearance of helpfulness and thoughtful inquiry was really a desire to manipulate so that he COULD have two worlds….one with his family — and one with us — and that’s just sick.
I guess that I have to keep reminding myself that I was duped — I was deceived — and that it’s not a reflection on me (that IS hard) — it’s an indication that this man is EVIL. Just accept that all of what he said was LIES — that needs to be my mantra — then I can let go of the “good” memories — because they weren’t really “good.” MY PART was good — but he is a liar.
I hope that I will come to the point when I can be encouraging and helpful to others — as you all have been to me – rather than just WHINE and bemoan my fate. I guess it’s the small steps you are talking about. one foot in front of the other… one day at a time. I feel like right now I am in danger of allowing this experience to define me — at this moment — it’s just so all-consuming. That’s why it’s so important to GET BUSY and do good and healthy things! So onward and upward today. Thank you again. And I will keep you all in my prayers as well. Blessings to you.
Kathie2, a person’s faith is often an “in-road” for predators. They are quite aware that many people believe that others shouldn’t be judged (cast the first stone, etc.), and that’s NOT (IMHO) what that lesson was meant to convey. We ALL have our sinful burdens, but “judging” is not calling a spade, “A spade.” “Judging” is necessary to offer offenders of all types the opportunties to stand accountable for their actions and make changes, or not.
The exspath was aware of my tremendous spiritual feelings and beliefs, and that (along with pity, pseudo-mothering, and money) was one of the values that he used to worm his way in. He constructed a very precise illusion that FED my personal voids.
Kathie2, sadly, there does exist evil in human beings. For me, I have chosen to perceive these predators as being soul-less. In the Animal Kingdom, there are many, many predators and they patiently seek out the vulnerable, sick, and weak. This isn’t intentional – it’s instinct. They cannot stalk and bring down a healthy, full-grown bull bison because they don’t have the power to do that. So, they watch and wait to see which of the herd is injured, sick, or vulnerable, and then they act. Is that evil? Absolutely not, though it may be violent and disturbing. Predatory animals hunt to SURVIVE and reproduce.
Human predators hunt, stalk, and bring down their victims purely for their own entertainment and use – NOT to survive and reproduce. The exspath didn’t have a litter of pups to feed and seek my finances out to see that task accomplished. The exspath waited, very patiently, to relieve me of my finances because he WANTED STUFF. He wanted THINGS to project an air of culture and prosperity. What he did was evil. What he is is evil.
Sometimes, we NEED to whine, moan, and gnash our teeth, Kathie2. We need to purge that out of our systems. We need to rant, rave, scream, cry, and feel those things to clear out the rubbish in our own souls. That’s what this site and counseling therapy are for: clearing out the rot and filling the space with ourselves.
The sharing of your experiences, hopes, dreams, mistakes, triumphs, and healing ARE encouraging and helpful. Not a day goes by when I personally don’t need to drink in healing energies from others on this site. I am slowly finding ways to provide my own healing, but spath entanglements and the subsequent (and, COMPLETE) carnage that follows are experiences that human beings cannot manage, alone.
Brightest blessings
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”.
Matthew 10: 16
I found this quote in a previous post. Yup, I’m feeling that sentiment Matthew!
So, now…..the board is set and the pieces are in motion. I’m having a tough time managing my anxiety, and it’s all about “predicting,” again. What if? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if?!
So what if the game’s end isn’t what I want it to be? The point is that there IS an end, and I need to figure out a way to look forward to that. The loss of valuable medical benefits and means to support myself are my biggest fears, but they are just fears, and I must sort out a way to accept that truth rather than feed that Fear Monkey.
I have so many monkeys on my back that are demanding attention: Fear, Anxiety, Prediction, Anger, and the rest. They’re all clamouring for something to eat and I don’t want to feed them, at all – I want them to starve to death and drop off of my back.
Well….it’ll be an outcome worth posting, one way or another! LOLOL
BRIGHTEST blessings to everyone that’s struggling
Strongawoman……awesome
Truthspeak,
You have my support, albeit virtual. What courage you have. Despite the traumas that you are faced with, you write with such eloquence, such empathy for others. Any wonder the spath envied you.
These qualities are your jewels. As Dupey says, know your value and your worth. No one can take that away from you, Truthspeak.
Brightest blessings to you from one survivor to another.
🙂