As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
These are spot on, Donna!
Number eight is that the person seems to lack personal connections. All of their family is dead, geographically distant, estranged for some reason, or otherwise explained away. There may be lots of mentions of various friends in conversation, but you rarely if ever get to meet them. And there are NO friends of long standing (say, greater than 2 years).
Excellent post Donna and absolutely right!! We have an article about the same points, basically:
http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/10/23/080527.php
We never ever recommend Online Dating. It’s too risky. Period.
amr – we have seen Predators with big families – and the families LIE for them. Truly sick.
amr, it is interesting you mention that about “friends” of pyschos. Mine “claimed” to “have more than any one person has a right to”..but in the 7 mos. I knew him I never saw any of them. During the holiday season he never got invited to a party, or had any stories about past times with any of them. For his birthday he spent it alone, (we weren’t together then). I eventually came to the conclusion he was embellishing that part of his life. Which he was.
Also out of 5 other siblings of his, he had zero relationships with any of them, always their fault of some sort.
My “psycho” soon to be ex, family (mother and sister) live in London. I have met both, and his sister won’t have anything to do him. His mom comes to the states usually every summer to visit. Of course, I think she is clueless because of all his deception, of his situation, despite his 5 wives. She has mentioned though how she thought is was ödd that he has outlived 2 of his wives. I have no idea what lies he has told her about me since the split up. I want to write her SO BAD and tell her the truth! But I don’t know if she would believe me.
As far as friends, I never met any in 5 years AND he very slowly isolated me from any friends I had and my family. In fact, I NEVER could talk on the phone with my daughters or my sister without him staying on the other line.
Something I haven’t seen mentioned, although I am far from having read all the info on this site about sociopaths. I noticed almost from the very beginning of our relationship that he had to be with me every waking moment and involved in every aspect of my life including my job. He said à love you so much I just want to spend 24 hours a day with you”.
Is this a common trait?
Coukno,
Same story. Mine had at least 3 siblings, a mother, a stepfather, a father, various aunts, uncles, cousins, and he had zero relationships with all of them. Again it was always some fault of the other person in each case. Now I can see of course that it was probably the reverse.
I’m coming up on one year of no contact. The Psycho affair has become a “benchmark” that I refer back to most every day. I am over the addiction to the person, but the relationship is now a reference point.
Also, I must admit to the fascination with how strange and common this phenomenon is and that I had a textbook encounter.
After time away, I am now going through another wave of posting comments here.
My Psycho met all of those points. Especially the “no close friends or family.” He would receive phone calls and even let me hear a voicemail of someone he claimed was his mom. But there were no close friends except one who he “didn’t trust” (and who spoke in weird jokes like my psycho) and who I never met but heard once on the phone. There were no friends that were long-lasting at all.
I must admit, a year later, and I am still angry and extremely let down.
loserchooser, I never saw my pyscho wanting to be involved 24/7 in my life, in fact their were times I felt I wasn’t sure where he was, probably cheating on me, I think now.
But my pyscho’s mom I think also doesn’t have a clue about her son because she financially keeps him afloat. They live in different areas so it works for him.
In regards to #3, I’d like to say that while I agree, meeting on the internet is dangerous, especially the dating sites, and some of the people who troll on them & the games they play.
But it IS possible to spot some red flags on-line. I have. I met a guy on-line through my web site & his, forums, and let me tell you, all the flags were there in blazing red. I don’t know what his problem was but it was clear he had many.
I also had an acquaintance from the past contact me by e-mail. And I got a weird feeling about it, though I couldn’t remember specifically why I hadn’t liked him the last I’d seen him, peripherally, years before. But then he tried to lie about the past, saying we’d been intimate at some point, and we hadn’t been, I know that. Did he think he could Gaslight me?
Never met either of these guys in person, saw the red flags and discontinued contact.
Even though these 2 guys were very different, and the situations in which I’d interacted with them were different circumstances… Both seemed overly aggressive in their own ways.
The one sent multiple e-mails each time before I’d have a chance to answer even one. The other seemed at the point of obsession in regards of convincing me that I was wrong about something. Wasn’t very polite about it, yet wanted to hang out with me in person.
Creepiness, contradictions, evasiveness, show up in conversation in e-mails and on forums and such. You just have to be more observant.
And yeah, never fill in the blanks with your fantasy!
The other thing I thought of was #6. I dated a narcissist, and it seemed like for him sexual intimacy related interactions were a duty he had to do in order to have a girlfriend (to control). He acted like he was into it, but somehow I knew he wasn’t really into it the way I had sensed in the past with other men. He may have enjoyed it to some extent, but I remember saying I felt like I’d been with a prostitute. Though I’d never been with a prostitute, it just felt like it was for my benefit somehow. And it didn’t feel right or equal or something.
My experience was rather limited though as far as other men, so I didn’t think much about it until someone told me they believed him to have NPD, and I started reading about it.
But now reading here how sociopaths are “great in bed”… that relates to the whole duty/prostitute idea. And it makes sense. It’s a great way to seduce someone, to manipulate them. Sex can be like a drug in that sense. And in a more simple way, performing in bed can be likened to bringing roses or being very attentive.
And on a more basic level… Well, they’d have to be good in bed, wouldn’t they? If the sex was lousy too, who would put up with the rest of their s**t in a relationship? I’m sure they learned that pretty quickly.
Wp, the last “prostitute” reference is eery. My Psycho would refer to himself jokingly as a prostitute over and over. He claimed I was the one who he had been looking for, but he had been promiscuous like a prostitute before I came along (and during and after I’m sure).
His sex felt genuine. I’m just referring to his jokes.
Also, I never caught him in a lie. I guess he was that good. But all the other signs were there and blazing strong.
loserchooser, your observation about saying “i love you” all the time and wanting to be with you 24/7 definitely hits home with me. about a week after i had started hanging out with my “mistake” he would come over every day and i would basically spend almost every minute with him — which was strange for me, because im the kind of person that normally needs my own space and enough “me” time, especially when i barely knew the guy! a few months later after we had been dating, he left to study abroad for law school — and he flew me to italy, where he must have said “i love you” at least every 10 minutes. it got so redundant that i immediately sensed something was wrong and that he was cheating on me — which he was, with two other girls over in london who ended up contacting me. who even knows how many else there were. this must be some kind of common trait.