As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Hey Tami,
You will know what’s best for you. Just know that if your life becomes so crazy, so upside-down and intolerable in chaos and pain, that you have a right to live a happy peaceful life – and to be surrounded by people who care and love you, too!
I KNOW that if my son did what your son is doing, especially when a baby is involved, my heart would be breaking! But, the one thing I learned is that it’s ok to feel that pain, and to let God handle it… because ultimately, it’s just not in our control.
By the way, there is NOTHING wrong, in my opinion, of being honest about how you feel! You and your hubby aren’t guilty because you don’t like someone like that! It’s ok to feel that way, and to be honest about it. In fact, you should be honest with your son about that, too. That way he will understand why you and your husband feel the way that you do!
Read as many books as you can about sociopathic behavior, educate yourself, and then send the books to your son. The only way to deal with people who are willingly choosing to break rules is to ignore them and move on… you can’t coax, push, shove anyone past a certain point to do anything. But, you CAN set a good example and live a good life 🙂
And, yes. I think it’s admirable to want to defend your child. But, past a certain point, everyone has to learn the consequences of their decisions. The best thing a parent can do is let their children learn from their mistakes! And, be there to love them and encourage them towards better behavior, right?
Tami ~
I’ve been reading about what is going on in your life right now, so sorry. I think it is very wise of you to keep the lines of communication open with your son right now. Ofcourse, like you have said, NO money, NO arguing, NO drama.
My thoughts on this come from a little different perspective. It was my spath daughter that tried to pull the exact same con game on a very unsuspecting young man. She was pregnant and lied to this guy, knowing fully well it was not his child. To make a long story short, she didn’t give a rat’s ass about the guy, it was the parents that she wanted to latch onto. While they were not wealthy, they were comfortable and very giving to not only their son, but her as well. I was the one that filled them in on what kind of a person she was and what she was trying to do. They ended up having to take out a restraining order on her to keep her away from them. It took her six months to have a DNA test done, then she begged him not to have one done, but he listened to his parents.
If she has no health insurance and must go on state medical assistance, they will require a DNA test before they pay the medical bills. Also, if the Dr. has notified Social Services about her drug use and they open a case when the baby is born, they may also require a DNA test. I think an EARLY DNA test is essential here. If he has time to bond with the baby, that may be it for any chance you have to rid your family of this woman.
You know your son better than anyone, trust your feelings and take it day by day. Best of luck to you.
Dear tami-
I have just read your story and am so sorry both you and that unborn child are in this situation.
The very first thing that sprung to my mind before you mentioned it was drugs.
My words might sound cold but they come from experience. Drugs.. Any kind can be very damaging. No money!! If anyone needs treatment..meetings are free! Detoxing (depending) on drug can be painful but possible if there is a desire!! It’s not easy.. If she is a spath and not just an addict he is in for a really hard time!
The state offers Medicaid to pregnant women and children.. Her desire not to participate disgusts me to no end. The fact she is using while pregnant makes me sick!!
You must report her to the authorities immediately! Do not hold back. Go nc.. Hopefully your son will come around.
Tami- I will pray for you, the child, and your son… Even that horrible woman!
Goodnight tami- Alinon could be very helpful for you.
Thanks everyone. It’s really difficult to communicate with my son right now because she has forbidden him to talk to me or my husband. He’s sneaking and talking to me from his work computer but only in little spurts here and there because he doesn’t have a private work space, works in sales and customer service which requires him to be on the phone nearly his entire shift. He works for a restaurant supply company and takes orders or assists restaurant owners all over the country with any questions they have about the products they are considering purchasing and also troubleshoots when a customer is unhappy with a product they’ve ordered. They also sell replacement parts. So, it’s very difficult to have a full blown conversation with him on his computer and over the phone is out of the question because all calls are recorded!
Of course, he’s never admitted to me that she won’t allow him to talk to us but we’re far from stupid and it’s very easy to read between the lines. He has a home computer but always says that he’ll talk to me “from work tomorrow”. I’ve also called a couple of times and she won’t answer the phone or the time or two that I’ve called it from a different number, she always says that he isn’t there. I KNOW he’s there because she won’t allow him out of her sight.
As far as trying to educate my son about sociopaths right now…that’s out of the question. I think he suspects that I’m hung up on the subject after my ex husband. I can’t start labeling her. The girl has control of his mind right now and I know exactly how she’s managed it and it IS very similar to how my ex managed it with me. It’s through sympathy seeking and flattery. My son has low self-esteem and he told me that she is the first girl that he’s ever been with that makes him feel like a man. She is also full of pity stories about losing her mother to mental illness as a child and how unfair her father is and has led him to believe that her father is abusive towards her “poor sick little mama”. I’ve heard the stories, too. She is a pathological liar and she doesn’t just lie to get drug money. Every other sentence that she utters is a lie. Silly ridiculous embellished stories that fit the designated listener’s ear.
For example, my parents are very dedicated church members…they never miss the 3 weekly services that their church has. The first time that my parents met this girl was for a Sunday lunch that my son arranged. His paternal grandmother had just passed away. He called and asked me if we could get together and have lunch with my mother and my stepfather…the only grandfather he has ever known since my bio father passed away before my son was born. He said that losing his paternal grandmother, which he was never very close to, made him realize that he needed to make a point of spending more time with his maternal grandparents which he grew up very close to. He is their only grandchild. I’m quite certain that he would have prepared his girlfriend by telling her that they were avid Christians and to watch her language and not to begin eating until after his grandfather asked the blessing. Of course, she also knew that we were timing the lunch after their Sunday church services. My mother is also overly ambitious when it comes to telling EVERYONE how they SHOULD go to church and a little hard to take at times. I’m sure he alerted the girlfriend about this, too. As soon as my son introduced this girl to my parents, she proudly announced that she and my son were going to start attending church! I immediately shot a glance at my son and could tell that he was totally shocked and knew what was coming next…a ton of questions from my mother regarding what church they were planning to attend, it’s denomination and so forth. The girl got really tripped up trying to answer these questions. She had told me when we first met that her father did not believe in attending church…and never allowed her nor her sister to go to church with friends. He said it was nonsense that only southern Americans were ignorant enough to believe. Her father is from England and is a die hard lefty so my guess is that is probably true. I, myself, worked for a non-profit left wing social justice organization for 28+ years and her father and I have had a couple of political conversations regarding social justice. So, when she announced that they were going to start attending church, she won my mother on the spot. She has since told my mother that SHE has attended several services but could not get my son to go! Bullshit! She’s been spending all of her Sundays at her parent’s house trying to regain her father’s trust and money ever since she produced an ultrasound with her name on it proving that she was pregnant. She is using the baby as a ticket back to her father’s money and as a weapon against us because we will not give her any money.
Any topic that a person mentions, she has worked in that field, whether it be eye care, dentistry, psychology, restaurant, education, special needs children, a pool hall, and get this…even drug rehabilitation! The girl hasn’t LIVED long enough to have done all of these things. She immediately attempts to develop SOME type of bond or common ground with everyone that she comes in contact with. But, because I HAVE prior experience with a spath and have studied everything I could get my hands on, she just couldn’t manage to impress me. I asked questions that tripped her up each and every time. She sees me very much as a threat because she knows that I’m onto her and since my son has expressed to her that we have always had a good relationship, she fears that he trusts my instincts and that I could very well have some influence in his life. And, once she saw that my mother was vulnerable and believed her lies, she immediately pitted my own mother against me! I can NOT fathom the fact that I am almost 52 years old and that my mother has chosen to believe this 30 year old psycho girl’s outrageous stories and believes that I am the liar!
And, she for every lie that she tells, she tells another one to back it up. The eye doctor she worked for went bankrupt, the dentist passed away, the drug rehab center lost it’s funding and so on. I asked the names of these places and was told that I wouldn’t know them! I’ve lived in this town ALL of my life! But, I continuously backed her into a corner. My husband did the same thing as he was married to a diagnosed sociopath! He’s studied everything he could get his hands on, too!
I DID have a moment of panic last night when my son was chatting with me. I told him not to allow anything or anyone to ever control him, to keep his strong will that clashed with my own when he was growing up and to pay attention to his gut. I asked him to promise me that he would do this. He promised without even asking me WHY I was telling him these things.
It is my understanding that she IS in treatment NOW that a doctor finally caught onto her. And, no, the state does not require a DNA test in Tennessee unless there’s a claim for child support. Also, all a doctor is required to do if a pregnant patient tests positive for drugs is refer them to a treatment center; however, that doctor can then refuse to continue to treat that patient because she is considered to be high risk. The treatment center that she is going to has a special program for expectant mothers and a group of ob/gyns they work in collaboration with. She is now under the care of one of those ob/gyns but because of her avoidance of the doctor and ultrasounds, she used heavily through 5 months of the pregnancy. Also, Tennessee has not managed to get a proposed bill passed that considers a pregnant mother’s drug use as child abuse. Social services is only called in if the mother and/or the baby tests positive when it is born. Then, the state takes the baby and the mother is charged with felony reckless endangerment to a minor. I’ve checked out the laws and also check out the possibility of her losing her nursing license because she is on drugs…very difficult there, too. She has to be arrested and convicted of a drug charge and then test positive AFTER she has served her time. Then, her license will be yanked but can be reinstated after she tests clean for a certain amount of time!
I don’t know, Tami. I wouldn’t want a sociopath in my life by proxy no matter the situation. I’d probably tell my son that I just got done recovering from one spath and can’t have another one in my life – nothing personal but I have to go NC to save my own life. If you do that, you will be MODELING healthy boundaries for him. I really think that giving him an escape valve is going against your own values of NC with sociopaths, and it is enabling him. I know it sounds cold, but I enabled my sister for a year when she was chronically depressed. I listened to her and tried to “save” her. In the end, it backfired and I had to go NC anyway. I wish I could have gotten that year of my life back. Of course your family members are not going to understand what you are doing. Have THEY ever been involved with a sociopath? The thing is, it’s YOUR life and not theirs, and you only get one. YOU get to decide whether you ultimately want peace in your life or trauma drama. You only get this one life. Why let another sociopath ruin it by proxy?
I think that if after talking to your son, you are stressing, worrying, and obsessing, then she’s got you. She’s controlling your thoughts and moods. It’s the “cancer” they give you that seeps in slowly. This is my take on the situation for what it’s worth.
In the end people don’t always listen to what you tell them, but they respond to what you do. If he sees you taking care of yourself, maybe he will feel he also deserves to take care of himself.
Whatever you do, I wish you the very best.
Tami,
Star’s advice is spot on. She is still affecting you through him. And you are still enabling both of them, in this way. Enabling just means that you are protecting them from consequences. Consequences can be financial or emotional.
It’s time for your son to step away from your protection and learn to stand on his own two feet. It will never happen as long as he knows you are “there for him”, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. You can still be there for him, but don’t let him know. Wait until she is gone.
I highly recommend that you read, “the mask of sanity.” It’s a great book.
Boundaries are boundaries, and no one should be exempt. A lot of people get in trouble because they decide those boundaries do not apply to family members. To me, this is how families become enmeshed in unhealthy ways. This is what I did with my sister when I allowed myself to be emotionally drained by her drama for a year. I should have just said, “You need to seek a really good psychotherapist” and left it at that. It was never my job to save her.
I believe parents serve a function in their kids’ lives, keeping them safe, fed, warm, and hopefully teaching them to love themselves. Kids will internalize boundaries parents set for them when they are young and carry the ability to self-regulate into their adult lives. However, the role changes when the child becomes an adult and can take care of himself. The parent can then be a good friend or confidante if desired. But I see so many parents who cannot let go of the parental role and let their kids grow up and make their own decisions. They feel they always have to be the parent.
I see a lot of my friends who won’t let their kids grow up because they feel guilty about how they were as parents. Maybe they feel guilty about a divorce and being a single parent and not home much, etc. They want to make up for it in their kids’ adult lives. But trying to be a mother to adults, telling them how to live their lives, paying their bills, and rescuing them really does them a disservice. It keeps them from growing up, making their own mistakes, and ultimately becoming self-reliant. I am watching two of my women friends doing this with their 20-year-old kids. They pay all their kids’ bills while the kids sit around and smoke pot (where do they get the money for that?) and complain that they can’t find a job in the poor economy. Of COURSE they can’t find a job when mommy is supporting them. Why should they? If I had someone supporting me, I’d quit my job too!
It seems that people, when they enter into adulthood, either are trying to get the love they never got from their parents OR they feel the world owes them something because of all the love they got from their parents. Either way, it’s a rude awakening when you have to go out and make your own way. This is a rite of passage all young adults go through, and it’s not always easy. They all have to make their way, and they all have to individuate from their parents and reconcile their past. This is true not matter how wonderful, horrible, or just average their upbringing was. I don’t think it’s any different when sociopaths, drugs, or alchohol are involved. I think in this case you tell them you love them very much but cannot be around them when they are using and will not save them. They will either get the message or they won’t. It is not the parent’s responsibility to save them from themselves.
I imagine it must be the hardest thing for a parent to do to turn their back on a child. But really, you can’t save another person from himself. I’m glad I will never have to be in that situation myself.
Dear Stargazer,
Your above post is spot on….my egg donor is a “psychopath by proxy” to my son, and he uses her to abuse me, to make my life miserable.
I used to think that if A was my friend and B was my enemy and had done a lot of bad things to me that A knew about, but A still chose to be friends with B, I would be “above it all” and still be friends with A, but I am seeing now that if A is an honorable person they will not continue to be “best friends” with B if B is the kind of person who would do bad things to me or anyone else. It isn’t just a matter of B is just not that “into me” but that B is a HATEFUL, SPITEFUL, DISHONEST PERSON….
Birds of a feather flock together, so if someone is “friends” with a psychopath and “hangs” with them, knowing the things they have done, then I can’t trust that person either.
Thanks, Oxy. I usually pee a lot of people off with my child rearing views. I have very strong views on it, even though I have no kids.
And you know, I also cut people off by proxy. Remember that psycho neighbor who “fixed” my bike this summer? I had met one of his friends and her daughter and we’d become very chummy right around that time. I just cut her right off after our first visit. I haven’t even returned her call and I don’t feel guilty. NC is NC. If she likes to hang out with people like him, then she’s not someone I want to be close to.
Star there is no reason not to have views about how you would raise a child if you had one…there are things that I changed my views on because of my experiences raising children, but that’s okay. Having an opinion about how dogs should be treated doesn’t mean you have to have a dog to form an opinion….or a child.