As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
I had a lot of bright ideas about how people should deal with their kids before I became a parent, too! LOL! I did all the things I saw other parents do that I said I never would and then some! Stargazer, it’s just something that you can’t fully understand unless you are a parent.
I have learned that my son is NOT in drug treatment nor does he have a drug problem. I had to pull a lot of strings to find this out for certain but FINALLY got to the bottom of it. I then confronted him with the truth. Actually, he made a pretty good point. He told me that yes he was trying to shift my focus off of his girlfriend’s using drugs while she was pregnant because he feels that he has to keep any drama out of the pic until after the baby is born. He also told me that he is fully aware that this child may not be his but that he’s hanging on until after it’s born and he can find out, for sure. He told me that he IS seeing a family counselor and attending NA meetings…said he tried the local AA meetings but the members are a much older group and the NA meetings address alcohol issues as well. He told me that he is doing everything in his power to stick to the original goals that he set for himself and it is now urgent that he meets them. He asked me to bear with him until after the baby is born. He says he plans to ask for a DNA test but if he lets her know that, then he’ll have to listen to her. Of course, he then told me that if the baby is his…that more than likely he’s going to need a lot of advice and help from me. He told me that he had no idea that she was using until they got evicted from their apartment and he then INSISTED that she see a doctor. They barely saw each other because she worked grave yards and he worked days. She also worked weekends and he didn’t. He told me that he had no idea that she had gotten money from us until she went crazy that night and started screaming and cussing my husband on the phone. He said he had no idea who she was even talking to and at first she tried to tell him it was HER father. He said he only realized that it was either me or my husband when she suddenly started telling him that we were NOT ever allowed to see the baby. When he asked her why, she told him that we were trying to convince her that he was on drugs, blamed her and demanded that her father pay for his treatment. He said that he knew none of this was true but he knew if he told me the things she’d said, that I wouldn’t be able to control my temper and would confront her and then he might never know if the baby is his. I also had to promise to “be good” and try to keep quiet until after the baby is born. He told me that he only learned of her drug use a little over a week before I did and that he was trying to figure out how to best deal with her and knew that he couldn’t deal with me and her at the same time. He said he rented the new apartment in HIS name and she’s gone either way after the baby is born. He told me that he doesn’t think he will have a difficult time getting custody because she named him as the father, told the doctor who found the drugs in her system that they were getting married, blah, blah, blah. The doctor asked if HE was willing to come in for a drug test, he went and tested clean. He said that the state is going to take the baby away from her period but that if he is the bio father, drug free and removes her from the household, they will give him custody. He said that he also has to prove that he has someone to help out with the baby and that’s when he’ll need me because he doesn’t know another person that can help him with a newborn. He said the doctor advised him to do exactly what he is doing and not to let her know that if he assumes custody, that she will be making a quick exit.
He apologized for keeping me in the dark but said he wanted to give me time to calm down. He also told me that her attitude scares him. He said she doesn’t see her treatment as a good thing that could save the baby’s life or maybe even her own…he said all she does is complain about what an inconvenience it is for HER and even told him it was a waste of time! I’m glad I did keep the door open for him to communicate. I KNEW he would eventually come clean with me if I didn’t push too hard. And, now that he’s finally started talking…it seems that he can’t shut up. Oh, and he also told me to keep my fingers crossed because he will find out tomorrow if he is getting yet another promotion at work. I’m mostly listening and agreed to that I would express my willingness to help with the newborn if the child is his but made it clear that I do not plan to raise it for him.
Tami,
I’m relieved to hear your son seems to have his head screwed on right, both for you, for him and for the baby. It sounds that his ‘gf’ is in for a surprise. It sound like he’s trying to do right for the child, and why he keeps up the pretense. Her own lies about you and your husband did her in with him. It shows he knows you well and that you are a strong family unit. It seems a good sign that he’s opening up. I kept my mother in the dark of a lot as long as I had not made up my mind yet about my ex-spath. But once I accepted the whole truth as the truth, I revealed a lot already in the first few days.
I will keep you and your son in my thoughts for a positive outcome. How long before the baby is born and you will both know for sure whether he’s the father?
The baby is due February 6th but I’m just about willing to bet that it will be born sooner AND be a full term baby unless the drugs contributes to a premature birth.
Yes, I feel much better and he knows me well. He also told me that he told her not to bother me because she sent me a couple of chit chatty little texts AFTER all of this. I didn’t respond. He told her the BEST thing she could do is leave us alone. He told me that he had his hands full with trying to work, counseling and meetings and trying to keep her line, too. Yes, I think she’s in for a big surprise.
tami ~ I read your above post and I have thought long and hard about whether I should even comment because I don’t want to upset you any more than you already are.
This is not advice, only you can make the kind of decisions that you will be facing in the coming months. I was given much of the information I am about to share with you PRIOR to my journey and chose not to believe it and/or not to accept it, so I UNDERSTAND.
The best possible outcome for your family is if the baby is not his.
When I first mentioned to a trusted psychologist that my daughter has been binge drinking and possibly doing drugs during the first trimester of her pregnancy, then stopped when she found out she was pregnant, she replied “No, she didn’t”. Tami, you must understand that she may be going to treatments, but she probably has not stopped using.
“He said the state is going to take the baby away from her period, but if he is the bio father, drug free and removes her from the household, they will give him custody.” You will come to learn that this is just not the case. He MIGHT get temporary custody and she WILL be given chance after chance after chance to CHANGE. This can and will go on for years and years. The courts almost always side with the bio mom and that is a fact. She will not CHANGE, but she will remain in the child’s life, fu******* it up, forever.
“I would express my willingness to help with the newborn if the child is his, but made it clear that I do not plan to raise it for him.” Tami, I made this same statement, and meant it, 11 years ago. The fact is, when you are faced with a child that needs you, a son that will at best have a difficult road to go down as a single parent, you will raise that child. You must look at that NOW, and you must commit to that NOW.
Now, let me talk about a child that has been exposed to in utero toxins. I have been told by psychologists, neurologists, pediatric behavior experts that this causes the brain to be wired “differently”. Even if you don’t take into consideration the genetic link to psychopathic disorders, you are most likely going to be looking at a highter risk for autism, ADHD, OCD and a whole host of neurological nightmares. Alcohol usage during pregnancy can result in FAS with a higher risk for mental retardation.
My last comment is on “The doctor advised him to do exactly what he is doing and not to let her know that if he assumes custody, that she will be making a quick exit.” If only that were the case, but it will not be. She will never make a quick exit, or any type of exit for that matter. As that same psychologist told me “She will be forever tied to you, can you accept that.” Again, I didn’t listen and/or believe it. Tami, SHE WILL FOREVER BE TIED TO YOUR SON AND YOU. These spaths use their children as pawns to get whatever thay want and/or need from their intended victims. They are like hamsters, they will eat their young if necessary to get what they want.
We have been raising our now 11 year old grandson. We spent the past 9 years in and out of court with my P/daughter. It has cost us over $60,000 in legal fees over those years. We have obtained guardianship, then had it taken away. We have obtained custody, then had it taken away because a clerical error was made 5 years prior. We currently have legal custody, but mommie dearest has visitation. We never know when we will be yanked back into court, even though the laws state we should not be, we still are.
Our grandson suffers from all the disorders I mentioned above, and then some. He has been in therapy (therapies) for the past 8 years. He is in special education classes. Because I am trying to be very truthful and not sugar coat things – it has been a living hell at times. We went through periods of him urinating on everything, because that is something that he can control. We have been physically and verbally attacked because he has had periods where he cannot control his anger. He is impulsive almost all the time. He has been on different medications, some of which make him have verbal and physical tics. There are good times too, he is loving, funny and very smart. He is a special light in our lives. Would I do it over had I known, or at least listened to what I was being told all those years ago, I really don’t know my honest answer.
Tami, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You will need strength in the coming months. I hope I did the right thing in commenting.
Tami ~ One last thing – in case you are wondering – my daughter is still on drugs. She was on drugs all during these years and court battles. That fact NEVER mattered to the court and neither did the fact that she abused and neglected my grandson the short periods she had him with her. We would still be in court if she had not signed over custody because she became bored with going to court.
I had a cousin on my mother family’s side who was diagnozed a schizophrenic since she was 14. When she was older she started to abuse her mother, my aunt, my mother’s older sister. Eventually she had the chance to live alone, with an aid program to live by herself. My mother does suspect that she may have been sexually abused by someone of my uncle’s family if not my uncle himself. (and that in-law family were collaborators in WWII).
Anyway, around her 40 she wanted to be a mother. She had a boyfriend, who worked at a protective workplace for handicapped people (in his case: mentally handicapped) and he was an alcoholic too. Because she didn’t get pregnant naturally with him (his sperm count was low) she tried to shop for fertility help and IVF. She was refused every time. Unfortunately, she got to be pregnant naturally. At first, her bf didn’t even believe it could be his. And yet it was. She informed her parents and the family only after she was already 4 months pregnant, saying “that she only discovered then.” While it can happen, as my mother was pregnant for 3 months and miscarried without her knowing she was pregnant, because she kept having her menses, we all suspected she had lied to keep her parents from pressuring her into abortion. My uncle at first didn’t want anything to do with it, still ranted for abortion. But after 21 weeks in Belgium it’s illegal to abort. Not really surprising, if you consider that she could neglect her dog for days.
So, my cousin had the baby. She was NEVER allowed to take the baby home with her. She stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks receiving help and instructions how to take care of a baby, but it was evident to the staff that though she was VERY PROUD to be a mom, she had no true emotional ability to bond properly.
Her son was taken into child custody by the court with the state as guardian for a year, while they looked for foster parents. Actually, that it took so long was a good sign that they do look for a stable home where the child’s needs are met. My aunt hoped to convince my other cousin and myself to be legal guardian over my cousin (who was older than myself), so that ultimately we would be responsible over our cousin’s baby. My aunt couldn’t be, because even as a grandmother, she was considered too old to be a guardian (she’s in her 70s). My life was good, but unstable (as it still is), and I could not in my conscious take on such a responsibility. Plus, I think becoming guardian over adult cousins, would probably invite a lot of family trouble. I believe it is better to be a neutral outsider.
Meanwhile, my cousin tried to battle the court’s decisions and have the right to take her son home. She had visitation rights, but only supervised. I suspect it wa one of the other reasons they did not appoint a foster family in that time yet, becaue they needed to find a foster family who would be strong enough to deal with a mother who felt entitled like she did.
It sounds strange, but we all sighed with relief, when my cousin died around New Year’s. My mother called me to tell me what had happened, and I was sorry, and yet relieved. I told her too. At least now her son of 1 year had an opportunity to be either adopted or grow up calmly at a foster family.
Shortly after a foster family was settled on. My aunt has visitation rights as grandmother, and the child comes to visit for the weekend every two weeks. He was diagnozed as autistic, but within the asperger range. He now even goes to a normal elementary school, but went to a special needs kindergarten. My aunt thinks of the foster mother as very authoritive and strict and structured, but that’s exactly what he needs to prosper.
The father meanwhile has died too, two years ago.
It sounds strange, but it seems that all has evolved for the best, under the circumstances, because both biological parents have died. I’m not sure what havoc my cousin would have kept on creating for her son and his foster family if she had lived.
Darwinsmom ~
Sounds like things are much different in Belgium, and for the better.
I was a foster mother for over 14 years. My first foster child was 4 years old when she was placed with me. She was born a premiee, weighing only 2 pounds. Although the mother was ordered to come to the hospital nursery and learn how to take care of the child, she never did. The child was in the hospital for over 4 months and the mother NEVER even visited, telling the staff she was putting the child up for adoption. The day the child was to be released, she showed up and took her home. Social Services did nothing. The child was the “mascot” for her mother’s motorcycle gang. She was physically and sexually abused. Social Services did nothing. She witnessed the mother shoot her boyfriend after he had stabbed her. Social Services finally took temporary custody, giving the mother another chance to clean up her act. She remained in temporary custody another two years before the courts issued Social Services permanent custody and removed the mother’s rights. That is the way things go here in the US.
I just heard on a TV program last night that Social Services had removed twin toddlers from a father who was implicated in the death of their mother. Father was then named the SUSPECT in the mother’s disappearance. A Judge overruled Social Services and RETURNED the twins to the father, now a suspect in mom’s murder, plus he has a rap sheet a mile long, including violent crimes. That is the US judicial system.
Sad as your story is, I think your cousin’s child is right where he should be, someone above was watching. And thank God you don’t live in the US.
Don’t you all think for one second that I’m not praying that this child is NOT his! The whole family is hoping that it isn’t! I don’t even think the girl drinks…strange, huh? Drinking is not her thing. She was a heroin addict in her younger days and then settled for hydros, oxy’s, roxys, methadone and any other opiate that she could get her hands on real or synthetic. I don’t envision that this girl will EVER get clean or stay that way. These are the drugs she has used through her pregnancy. I strongly suspect that she is still using. However, I don’t know what states you all live in but right along about the same time that we learned that she was using…our local newspaper contained a front page article about a woman who had used these same drugs throughout her pregnancy, the baby was born addicted and she was charge with felony reckless endangerment and the baby was taken away from her with NO chance of her ever getting the baby back. The baby made it but the article also stated that if the baby died, she would be charged with murder. I read an update about the baby a few weeks later that said the baby would be put up for adoption. It drew a lot of attention and several people had came forward expressing their desire to adopt the child. I discussed the situation with my private physician when I was in for a follow-up last week. He asked me if I had heard what had happened to the woman who was guilty of the same thing and I told him yes. He said that all women who give birth to babies suffering from NAS…it think that’s what he called it…it means addicted to ANY narcotic drug…will be charged with the same thing. They’ve really cracked down on this in my area. We have a huge problem here with opiate addiction and bathtub meth. I can’t tell you how many meth labs have exploded here in the last 3-4 years and I live in a small, rural area. A lot of our local doctors have stopped prescribing narcotics period unless it’s following a surgical procedure. The largest issue is that dealers are going out of state to obtain the drugs…Florida mostly…then they bring them back here and sell them.
Yes, Milo, it sounds things are different for the better. I believe he is now adopted by his foster family even, since his both parents had died. My aunt was very afraid that she would lose visitation rights that way, but court agreed that the biological grandparents are still to be in the child’s life. So, all in all, it has been close to the ideal solution for everyone directly involved in this story. Sometimes, I can’t believe everything turned out so well for everyone: my aunt gets to be grandmother and see her grandson, my grand-cousin gets to be raised in a stable, structured environment with the best mother he could have for his condition and so develop optimally for him. He also gets to grow up with the idea he was fostered and adopted because his parents died, instead of the idea that his mother could never raise him. And my cousin had to get her wish of becoming a mother, though she suffered for not being able to take care of him, but she never needed to suffer from that knowledge for a lifetime.
darwinsmom ~ I am glad that your aunt has the opportunity to remain in her grandson’s life, I hope the adoptive parents encourage this relationship.
Grand was born in another state over 1,000 miles from our home. By the time the DNA test was done (6 months after his birth) it turned out his bio Dad had been incarcerated since before Grand was born and remained there for 8 years. I never met this man, or even heard anything about him. The courts would notify him of court proceedings. Grand was 5 years old when we finally were granted custody. I received a letter from bio Dad shortly after. He was concerned as to what had actually happened to the son he never met. In the letter he mentioned his mother and how she had been sending gifts and money to my spath daughter (I never knew this) and how she was devastated by the fact that she had a grandson and didn’t even know if he were alive and well. He gave me her address. I looked up her phone number and called her that night. She cried, I cried, she cried – – – turns out she is a very well educated, caring, wonderful woman who still can’t figure out how a son she raised turned out to be a convict.
Anyways, we were leaving the next week on vacation and were driving very close to where she lived. I asked her if she would like to meet her grandson. She cried, I cried —
She now joins us on vacation every year, calls every week and on holidays the delivery truck backs up to our house and unloads gift after gift.
My feeling was, the more people Grand has in his life that love him, the better he will be.