As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Well, I’m afraid to say that I am back at square one. I accidentally answered a call from the gf today. She called from a land line and from a number that I did not recognize. She talked on for probably an hour..still referring to my son’s drug problem, and how she, too, was in treatment but that all of her meds were prescription meds. She talked about my son’s insane jealousy and how he didn’t even want her talking to his family members…said she didn’t like any of them anyway…to my knowledge she’s never met anyone other than my husband and me. Said she believed it was because he wanted her all to himself and so on. She even went as far as to say that my son had realized through his counseling that he and I had an “unnatural” bond…that pissed me off but I didn’t say anything. Said the counselor had told him that it was inappropriate for a mother to educate a son about safe sex and such. I’d like to know WHO in the hell was going to do it since his father died along about the time that he started to ask a lot of questions about it because most of his friends were having sex at 14. I always encouraged both my son and my stepson to talk to me about sex but asked them not to ask any questions about that would require a personal answer from me after my son inquired about what women liked! I just told him that would probably vary from woman to woman. And, I certainly made it clear that I didn’t want to hear the details of their private lives. My son didn’t have sex until he was 17 and while all their close friends got girls pregnant in high school…they didn’t so I’m GLAD that we were able to discuss it. It wasn’t easy playing both the mother AND the father role after their father passed away. He suddenly stopped talking to me today…I was trying to firm up plans for our family Christmas dinner and get a head count. He refused to answer me so I just gave up and basically gave up. It was shortly after that the she called and told me that he told her that I needed to talk to her. I told her no, not really and then she flew into nonstop talking. When I finally got off the phone with her, I started telling my husband about some of the things she said…he stopped me about halfway through and asked me if I realized that it sounded as though I believed this girl and not to allow her to gain control of my mind, too. He was right, I nearly allowed her to suck me into HER world before I even realized it.
I’m worn down and have decided that yes, I have to go NC with my son as long as he is involved with this girl. And, just pray that he wakes up someday. I’m even starting to feel a little angry with him. My husband’s comment about my believing her was a HUGE flag. I realized that yes, she had nearly sucked me into her world. She even tried to tell me that I had said things to her that I knew I hadn’t said but was so insistent that I started to doubt myself! My husband and I are practically newlyweds and we love traveling and going to the theater together, fishing, etc. Hopefully, my son will out live me by several years and has much more time to figure his own life out and enjoy it someday. I don’t. So, I’m going to focus on what living I have left. And, the baby? I’m not even sure that I want a relationship with it. It’s quite clear that she is very good at gaining full control of the people’s minds that she comes in contact with. I figure that the baby will just be a mini her…can’t deal with that. I hope that doesn’t sound cold, but this time, I’ve really had it. I am numb. And, I’ll never answer another number that I don’t recognize…they can leave a message and that way I’ll know who it is.
Tami ~ Welcome to the world of DON’T EVER ANSWER YOUR PHONE – let the machine get it.
I know exactly what your conversation was like, I call it sticking your head in a blender. Everything spins, gets chopped up and flies back out at you as “verbal vomit”.
I am sorry, try to remember they are her words, not your sons’. I believe it is wise of you to stay “drama free” and let your son handle his own problems. And, no you do not sound cold, not at all.
Thoughts and hugs
It’s really hard to have a relationship with one half of a couple and not the other.
Do you have caller ID? I never answer my phone unless I recognize the number. If she gets through anyway, you can always just say, “I can’t talk – I’m in the middle of something” or “I’m on my way out the door – I can’t talk – take care.” Or something like that. After doing that enough times, she might get the message. Then there’s changing your phone number. You shouldn’t have to be held hostage by a telephone, as long as you have a plan in place if she calls.
Tami,
so sorry you’re going through this.
Your head will continue to spin as long as you are in contact with either of them.
I hope you don’t have your Christmas ruined by their presence.
Try to stay optomistic. Spaths tend to destroy relationshits so, it’s likely that with time, it will end. Just don’t give them money, time, or emotions. NC will help speed up her departure.
I’m sorry Tami that you went through that word-blender…
I see the point of your husband. Even here it sounds as if you feel the need to explain yourself and defend yourself against her nonsensical arguments. WTF! There’s nothing wrong with a parent (either gender) informing their kids about sex. Her opinion is wrong, period (and it’s her opinion, not that of a therapist, unless her therapist has been lied too).
My mom did most of the sexual questions, but my father was involved as well. Even now we talk openly, if not personally, about sexuality. It ain’t creepy, it ain’t incestuous, it’s just a natural topic in my family as much as it is as if we’re talking about another social subject. IMO it’s healthy, because I got my info from adults instead of teens who know shit.
It sounds like she’s trying to make you feel guilty over the bond you have with your son, making it sound unnatural, and wants to scare you off. I think she realized she’s not able to make your son turn his back on you, so now she tries to motivate you to stay away from him. You don’t have to defend yourself against a spath’s warped thinking, you don’t have to defend yourself for being a good mother, you don’t have to defend yourself for having a bond with your son she can never have.
Tami, I agree with darwinsmom – it sounds like the spath is trying to separate your son from you. She was zinging you by pretending to have a “friendly” conversation with you but insulting you once you let your guard down. This is extremely passive aggressive. My sister did this with me once a long time ago. We were in our twenties and she had just been hospitalized for depression. I was in grad school and very much involved with healing. It was what my whole life was about. I mentioned to her that the healthier I became, all these things in my life improved, including sex. She told me in the next conversation that her therapist told her that it was NOT APPROPRIATE for sisters to talk about sex, and that I was sick, that we should be talking about things like jobs and careers. Needless to say, I took it to heart and felt like I was screwed up. I eventually dropped out of grad school, and this was partly the reason! I thought I was too screwed up. This is how they zing us if we let them!!!!
Another example: I had an ex whose was divorced from the mother of his only son. She came over to visit once and was very nice to me. So I was very nice and unguarded with her. I figured that since she was always going to be a part of his life, I may as well be friendly with her. So she and I had a long conversation. Somewhere in the conversation, she slipped in how her ex (my bf) always preferred women with certain body types. She was referring to HER body type – blond with big boobs. It was a total insult to me, but I didn’t realize it till after she left that I’d just been zinged by a passive aggressive person. It is the last time I ever spoke to her. But her continued presence in his life was one of the things that sabotaged our relationship.
In the case of your son’s gf, she felt the need to call you and zing you. She is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I would not EVER give her the opportunity again. Consider it as a tough lesson learned by talking to a spath. If you let your guard down with them, they will ruin you.
darwinsmom ~ excellent points – especially about it being her warped opinion, not a therapist.
My p/daughter’s favorite one is telling me HER therapist says there is nothing wrong with HER – it is ME that is the CRAZY one. The dangerous part is if you hear it enough times, you start to believe it. I must sign off for now, basket weaving starts in 10 minutes. I’m fine, really.
Spaths don’t have a moral compass, so therefore the worst judge and opinion makers on what is right, what is wrong, what is healthy, what is normal, what is abnormal, what is unhealthy.
She knows though that sex is a tender subject and somewhere picked up the idea that sons are embarrassed to talk about sex with their mothers (tv shows and tv family series – they are, but so what!), and that parents are scared to come off as having gone too far (Oedipus or Elektra complex).
She somehow knows that “her” opinion will not count for much, so she blabs “expert” opinion. It’s just psychobabble.
Remember: she has no moral compass. She’s not normal, so het opinion on what ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ is, is total bull. What is right is wrong to her, and what is wrong is right to her.
Her moral and psychological opinions are WORTHLESS. Don’t give her opinion any more room in your head!
Sticking my head in a blender…YES! I was up most of the night unscrambling my brain.
I’m going to be very careful about answering my phone. I was up until nearly 6 this morning trying to unscramble my brain. I have to keep reminding myself that the girl is a sociopath…there is nothing real or humane about her. She’s fake and everything about her is a lie. She loves only herself, is a master manipulator and because she has no conscience, she will stop at nothing until she feels that she has “won” by gaining full control. Life is a game to her and now that she realizes that I have my doubts about whether the baby even belongs to my son, she’s enjoying dangling him in front of me and teasing me by saying “look what I have and what I can do with him”. He is now her weapon rather than the baby.
I DID have enough sense about me to “test” her empathy by asking her to put herself in MY shoes…most people can do that pretty easily if they have the ability to FEEL what normal people can feel by being empathetic. I reminded her of the life and death and urgent texts messages that she sent me in the middle of the night telling how badly my son needed me and that I needed to go to him immediately and help him, etc. I asked her if she had any idea how how panicked I felt when I woke and discovered that I had slept through these texts. She responded by saying no, because her parents weren’t like that. Classic, off the wall sociopathic comment; however, I questioned my panicked reaction of not being available when my son needed me and the fear I had felt for his safety by considering that maybe it wasn’t a normal parent’s reaction!
I also recall that she discounted everything her father had told us about her by implying that he had misinterpreted her history of drug use and the multiple times that she had stolen money and how we shouldn’t pay him any mind because he’s old! He’s 64, only recently retired, is an engineer and the former plant manager of the one of the largest companies in town. The man is far from old and senile and how MANY ways can drug abuse and theft be interpreted? She was also very quick to scold me by telling me how wrong it was of me to call her father when she had TOLD me not to and how it had caused a set back in her repairing her relationship with her father. She told me we had no right to call him and managed to inflict a fleeting moment of guilt upon me for doing so! I told her the SOLE reason her father was called was to inquire if he was indeed going to pay for MY son’s drug treatment as she had stated and to let him know that we were not refusing to get him help nor pay for his treatment but wanted to ensure that he received treatment to address his issues with alcohol as well. Her father took it upon himself to inform and even WARN us about HER. Parents don’t call parents to inquire about how bad their child is! We had EVERY right to call her father who didn’t even know my son much less any other issues that he might have nor his medical history. But she couldn’t relate to our concern for my son and focused totally on discounting what her father had told us about her as though we were wrong to have listened and repeatedly stated that we had no right to call him to ask about her!
As I replayed the conversation over and over in my mind, I finally started to realize that the entire focus of the conversation was on her, she justified her drug use and need for treatment by blaming the doctors who had written her prescriptions and even the drug dealers for selling her the drugs! She talked about how good she was and how bad my son was while very cleverly suggesting that I was the root of his problems and how much better off he was now that SHE was in his life and I was not. She also made it clear that she had taken “charge” of him as though I had somehow had “charge” of his life prior to her involvement with him and had now lost to her. It was more like my son had charge of MY life than of his! She made a point of letting me know that she was in constant contact with my mother in order to let me know that she had gained control of her but excused her involvement at the same time by saying that she found my mother annoying, overly religious, and didn’t have a clue as to why my mother was so angry with me and no longer talking to me.
She also made it clear that my son had discussed any and all prior family problems that we may have had during the years that I was married to his abusive alcoholic father (now deceased 18+ years) and how she had managed to help him see that his lack of respect for women, which I have never witnessed as he seems to go overboard to please whatever woman he is with, stemmed from my being deserving of his father’s abuse. The girl has reprogrammed my son’s brain. He knows that his paternal grandmother abused his father from the time he was born and that his father treated his first wife, his brother’s mother, in the same manner that he treated me. His brother is over 6 years older than him and has TOLD him that his father actually treated her WORSE than he did me! My stepson refers to their father as being “broken” and much better off now that he is dead. I also got professional counseling for my son shortly after his father’s suicide…I KNEW he needed a counselor because I needed one after my own father’s suicide. And, the greatest thing my son felt regarding his father’s death was guilt because he was GLAD that he was dead! Sadly, his father’s death came as a relief for him, his brother and for me. His death lifted the weight of the world from our shoulders and we were finally free to live our lives without fear. We had many family discussions regarding our feelings about his death years ago and the book was closed. We had moved on. She didn’t live that life with us.
My stepson is coming by a little later to help finish unscrambling my brain.
I wouldn’t believe much of her claims about your son either. If she had truly won and changed your son’s mind about his past, then you’d notice it from him, and then she doesn’t need to TELL you.
What she’s doing is trying to make you believe she has won, and you believing her makes her win.
Don’t give any credence to what this girl says, NONE AT ALL! It’s all wishful thinking on her part, her fantasy, her entitlement, her sicko opinions. It’s AIR! You are the sole one who can materialize them, by givng them space in your head.
Unwind with your stepson and let him unscramble your brain some more, and get her smoke out of your mind!
BTW It might be a good thing to keep a recorder at hand, if by any chance she manages to get you on the phone again and you don’t manage to escape another hour of her air-vomiting. Don’t listen much to her conversation when she’s engaging you… but afterwards, play the recording for you. It will be easier for you to see the warpedness of her words then. Why? Because there’s no primal need to defend yourself anymore.
Some friends relayed me what my ex-spath came up with for excuses to treat me as he did, when they told him exactly what they thought of him (‘scum’). I did ask them to please not do that again, because it only upset me unnecessarily. However, since I was not involved in that conversation and it had already had occurred, I could immediately see it for what is was: total BULLSHIT, and I didn’t feel the great need to defend myself against it.