As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Tami,
agreed with Darwin’smom, get a tape recorder. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with one.
You can play the tape to verify what you experienced – sometimes you have to because you start to doubt it since their words are so unbelievable.
You can let others hear it, in case they don’t believe you. But use that application VERY sparingly. No need to abuse that power. Only when critical.
You can use it to get more insight into the spaths intentions. Listening to it again, you’ll notice more things.
You can use it when you have ANY compulsion to break NC. Re-living the nightmare of the conversation is enough to cement your resolve that you don’t need any more of THAT!
Absolutely tape record any and all conversations. You are so right Sky, you would not believe what you can pick up when you are not “in the moment” actively involved in the conversation.
And yes again, it will help you realize why NC is important. These conversations are so “unreal” that many times we talk ourselves out of fact that certain things even were said.
Consider it spaths 101, a learning experience.
Tami ~ obviously you don’t believe what she is telling you about her father, or anything for that matter. The P/daughter has told a judge, her parents were killed in a car accident when she was young, told DCF worker that I was in the hospital near death (so she could not talk to me) has told a probabion officer that her family lived in Europe and that she was never married and had no children. Then ofcourse, she tells therapists that she was abused and neglected as a child. Left for hours laying in her own blood. and on and on and on…….
Milo, Oh, I love that one “left for hours lying in her own blood” Gosh that is really DRAMATIC! Pooooor babbbbbie! LOL PUKE
Tami, after rereading your posts above, I still suggest that you tell your son one last time that you love him, but that due to the effect the drama of his current situation is causing, and the stress it is causing in your life, that you are forced to BACK OUT of the situation. You realize he is an ADULT and that he has the choice of how he runs HIS life, but YOU also have the choice of how you run YOUR life and you are not UP TO the DRAMA with the woman, the drugs and the child, so Essentially “Son, I love you, have a nice life”
He is staying with her because that is what he wants—either because he is also dysfunctional and/or he is trauma bonded to her, in either case, you are not going to be effective in “helping” him, AND you are going to keep your own head inside the blender with the PULSE BUTTON full on.
Your son KNOWS what is right and what is not, what is functional living and what is dysfunctional/addictive etc. so it is up to him to choose what HE wants his life to be. Tami, I KNOW it hurts when those you love choose drama and dysfunction/drugs/booze over your relationship. My son C is addicted to computer games instead of booze, but they give him the “high” he craves more than anything, and he will lie to cover up the money he spends on them, and I cannot tolerate the lies and deception in the relationship. He is 21 and free to do whatever he wants to do, but I do not have to associate with a man who lies to me, who doesn’t respect me enough to keep his agreements with me, so he’s on his own.
YOu are fortunate to have a loving and understanding husband and to be able to enjoy your retirement so go for it! Don’t let this drama rama rob you and your husband of your “golden years” (((hugs))))
Oxy ~ and the GAL from Hell decided the P/Drama Queen was the truthful one.
Milo, I am not so sure of that….hhow about we look at it from the “follow the money” angle…WHO got more money the more drama there was? Who got more money the longer this mess was dragged out? The GAL is the answer. I think the GAL is a psychopathic manipulator who knew KEEP THE DRAMA STIRRED UP AND GOING AND I GET MORE MONEY.
I don’t think she “believed” your P dtr, I think she manipulated the entire event using the EXCUSE that she wanted to unite your Grand with his LOVING MOTHER (she had to at least PRETEND to be doing all this manipulation for the benefit of the CHILD and the MOTHER) So if she didn’t pretend to believe the “greater good” for the child was his mother’s love it would all have to have been settled quickly and with LESS MONEY TO HER.
No, MiLo, this GAL from HELL was a psychopath herself. That was why she insisted on you signing that you were “satisfied” she was trying to cover her ass.
Oxy ~ You know, I never really looked at it like that before. That angle makes a lot more sense. I mean, I gave her official police and court reports and records documenting the lies, it was never she said, we said, it was hard facts. She wasn’t THAT stupid, but she sure was money hungry and another master manipulator.
It’s almost an easier pill to swallow, that she was a psychopath herself and we were “doomed” from day one. The other option is me wondering, for eternity, how everything we did for Grand could be so misunderstood.
Thanks, I think hubby will appreciate this too. He is always telling me to go on “my website” and see what the smart people say to do. He also goes around telling everyone about the gray rock and how well it works.
Milo,
I agree with Oxy. We are learning here that just because someone looks human doesn’t mean that they are. 2 arms, 2 legs and a head doesn’t make a human.
I believe that there are certain professions that attract drama addicts. Anything in the family court is going to have lots of drama and opportunity to manipulate. Not to mention, money to be made by amping the drama volume.
Spaths recognize each other, so she knew what your daughter was from the start. The only thing we can do is maneuver the situation so that the manipulator risks losing her mask. It’s the thing they value above all else.
Who’s the GAL, Milo? I’m trying to follow with what I already know from your backstory?
darwinsmom ~ The GAL is the court appointed guardian ad litem, an attorney who is SUPPOSE to represent the “best interest of the child”. They investigate and interview anything to do with the custody and what is best for the child. The one we had the first time we petitioned for custody some 8 years ago, was GREAT. She literally saved Grand’s life. The one we had this last time around was, well, the GAL From Hell. When Grand was refusing to see his Mom (after no contact for 5 years and PTSD from previous trauma with her) the GAL suggested he be moved to a foster home, so contact with his Mom would be encouraged. That is just ONE of the things she did. Then she dragged the whole process out for months after all parties had agreed and signed custody/visitation so her bill was OUTRAGEOUS. Then she insisted WE (not daughter) pay the entire thing and sign that we were satisfied with her work. That is the condensed version.