As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Dear MiLo,
Yea, I know what you mean! LOL ROTFLMAO I do think God on a daily basis that He did not answer my prayers for grandchildren. Actually He did answer, the answer was just “no” and that’s okay.
I admire you so much though for the time and love and efforts that you put into raising your grandchild during your “golden” years! not only you, but I know so many many other grandparents and GREAT grandparents who are raising the offspring of their children and even grandchildren due to drugs and/or other major problems and/or psychopathic parents who neglect or abuse these children.
Parents/grand-parents who have to “co-parent” with a psychopath or clean up the mess left by a psychopath on a child’s mind/heart have my undying admiration.
I wish I had pointed out what I thought that GAL’s motive was back when it was happening, I literally thought it was OBVIOUS what she was doing….freaking land sharks that in the name of “doing good” RAPE the client/patient by running up their own bills. I guess though when you are “too close to the trees to see the forest” it is difficult to see what is going on. I know when I was going through all the trauma I couldn’t tell up from down, black from white, or now from then. I was literally insane with it all. I can’t even imagine how hard the anxiety, frustration and so on with you worrying about the effect on Grand must have been for you and your husband. You have my complete admiration MiLo, and you are fortunate to have such a supportive husband as well! God bless!
Hens, start laughing. it’s a joke that probably comes from a need for relief for a moment. Kids are hard. Life is harder. I wish I had kids but I know they would’ve been FUBAR, so I’m grateful for what I have and what I don’t have.
it’s t’other way around. life is hard. kids is harder. lol.
I just can’t express to all of you how much I appreciate your listening and support. I’m sorry that at the present time I am unable to offer support to the members of this group as I once did.
I don’t know how many of you remember me when I was going through the ordeal back a few years ago with my spath ex-husband but I read everything I could get my hands on regarding sociopaths during that time. I had no idea what a sociopath was other than the high profile ones I’d seen on TV’s true crime programs. My experience with the spath ex landed me in a therapist’s office simply because I could NOT wrap my mind around his behavior. I thought I’d lived long enough and had experienced enough that I had witnessed just about every personality type there was.
I had survived the 15 year ordeal with my son’s father of drinking, beatings, name calling, etc. I had also survived 19 years of abuse from my mother prior to getting involved with him and HER abuse even continued throughout that marriage. Over the years, I had even came to understand how I ended up involved with a man who would beat me, blamed me for his actions, and honestly believed that his behavior was MY fault. It’s exactly how I was treated by my mother from the day I was born! I’m sure most of you have seen the movie “Mommy Dearest”? I was deeply disturbed after watching that movie because I could relate to everything I saw. I cried, nearly had a panic attack and even grew very angry watching the movie but I couldn’t turn it off. I HAD to see. The movie was as close to an exact depiction of my own mother as I had ever witnessed. I could relate to every single outrageous incident in the movie and had to admit that I had experienced even WORSE wrath from my own mother. I feared my mother physically until I was well into my 30s as well as my son’s father. I KNEW there was something wrong with her and that there was something wrong with him. My logic told me that I should not fear the people who told me that they loved me!
My mother and my son’s father were in constant competition regarding who could control me the most. I felt like a rag doll in a tug or war contest. I KNEW that neither of them should be trying to control me but any time that I chose to make an attempt to stand my ground with both of them, they then became allies rather than enemies and teamed up on me! And this was usually as a result of my mother being able to lead my husband to believe that I was having an affair, etc. Which was NOT true! This control was usually regarding my son. My mother would tell my son how terrible his father was and would ask him as a toddler who he loved the most her or his mommy in MY presence!
I had promised myself long before ever having a child that I would NEVER be the kind of mother that she was. I wanted my child to know that I loved him, cared about his opinions, allow him to express his emotions rather than suppress them as I was forced to as a child, not expect him to be PERFECT but encourage him to do his best. I was not totally opposed to spanking but only as a last resort and those spankings would be limited to 3 swats on the rear rather than a slap or punch in the face or a 30 minute belt session of being hit anywhere contact could be made which was then followed by alcohol being applied to the whelps on my legs, back, wherever and then a promise of a new toy or clothes if I wouldn’t tell my father! And, any time that my son needed discipline, I wanted him to know what he had done to deserve punishment rather than receiving an unexpected slap in the face or being told because “I said so”.
After my son’s father passed and even the fear that he would come back as an evil spirit to continue his torture, I decided that NOBODY would ever hit me again nor try to control me. A few months after, my mother raised her hand to slap me because I had grounded my son when he and another friend teamed up as BB bandits, decided it would be entertaining to repeatedly shoot my outside metal storage building as well as standing by and allowing his friend to shoot our family dog in the rump in which I had to have the BB surgically removed by my vet! However, his friend’s actions did seem to traumatize my son when he saw the dog in pain and it was he that ran to tell me that the dog was hurt. But, he KNEW better than to shoot the building! He had had the BB gun for 2 years, had targets and had never even considered such a thing! He was 13 years old! He tattled to grandma when I grounded him. She came to my house and screamed at me that it was MY fault because I bought him the BB gun in the first place and asked how I could punish him for that. I told her that she needed to mind her own business and that he was MY son. She told me that I would not use that tone with her and raised her hand to hit me! I was 33 years old! I grabbed her wrist and told her that when she hit me, she would be picking her ass up off the ground.
I have always been told by her that every bad choice my son has ever made has been MY fault and what a terrible mother I am. Now, she’s constantly on the phone with the crazy girlfriend fueling the fire. And, when ANYONE suggests or accuses me of being a bad mother, it strikes a nerve with me because I tried SO hard NOT to be like my own mother. Of course, looking back I made mistakes like any other parent but my son KNOWS that I love him whereas I STILL believe to this very day that my mother HATES me.
I know you all must grow tired of reading my books…I’m actually considering writing one! At any rate, when the therapist informed me that my last ex was a sociopath, gave me some materials and directed me to Lovefraud, the more I read about spaths, the more convinced I became that my own mother is a sociopath. I struggled with the idea of whether or not my son’s father was one but decided it wasn’t worth my energy since he passed away years ago. And, yes, I’ve also considered that my son might be one. I hope that I’m not in denial but he seems to be more of a spoiled immature brat. I’ve seen the fear in his eyes anytime that I’ve been sick and how he sprang into immediate action to take care of me in the same manner that I took care of him. I also recall that it was he who told my ex spath husband who lingered in my house 3 weeks AFTER he told me that he was leaving apparently to enjoy observing how he had managed to tear me down, that he had witnessed him hurt his mother long enough and that if he didn’t get out that he was going to put him out. I overheard this and wondered how he planned to do this because I have never seen my son get physical with anyone. So, I just can’t decide about him. He sees me as invincible, a Wonder Woman type, and has openly expressed to others that I am the strongest person he has ever known. The ordeal with the ex spath husband was the first time he had ever seen me in an emotionally weakened state that even I wondered if I’d ever snap of. My son strikes me more as a people pleaser or a follower. Or, could he be mirroring? He can’t stand the thought that someone is upset with him. He seems to strive for peace but only AFTER HE has helped to create total conflict between people. It’s like he then can’t understand why those people can’t then sit down and be civil to each other. So, I just can’t decide about him. All I can say is that I’m getting too old to deal with his drama.
Oh Gosh Hens ~ I said “Rent”, even in humor I would never say anything like “Sell”. I am so sorry, it was an attempt at humor. I guess that with what this board had been going through for a couple of days, maybe some lighthearted fooling was in order. I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else.
I know you have a grandson the same age and I know from the kind of person you seem to be that you would go to the ends of the earth to protect him.
I love my grandson with all my heart, flaws and all. Yes, he does really eat EVERYTHING. My gosh, I don’t even leave him with a babysitter because of his abandonment issues.
Again, so sorry.
And Tami, you are going through a personal hell right now, I think all of us only wish that we could do more.
Oxy ~
You are right, with the GAL thing, I was too close and in the moment to see the “big picture” at the time. While I knew, during the last few months that she was stalling just to increase her fee, I thought her motive was her dislike for hubby and I. I didn’t even think that her motive right from day one was MONEY. It sure makes sense now though.
I also believe that God’s plan was for me to raise Grand and I thank him for that everyday. I don’t believe I am doing anything that almost anyone else on LF would do if given the same opportunity. My father would always look at my kids and say “Grandchildren are a thing of beauty and a joy forever.” And they are. I think my biggest regret is that being in a position of a parent/grandparent, you really don’t get to enjoy that true grandparent experience.
I do realize how fortunate I am to have the loving husband that I have had for over 40 years and that is something that I am reminded of on a daily basis while reading the stories here on LF.
Thanks for all your help along the way.
Milo – You did not offend me, I am sorry if I seemed rude with my comment, I did assume you were just jokin, once again my dry wit was taken the wrong way…
Well thank goodness Hens ~ I thought it was MY dry wit that was misunderstood.
I think it can be a curse sometimes. Are you English by any chance, that’s what I blame mine on?
Tami, dear friend, Tami,
I hear your pain. Thanks for reminding me, and telling others that are new here, about your story. Yes, it is difficult to stand up to the Mommy dearests among our families. To even realize we CAN stand up to them. My own egg donor tried to “control” my own sons and to have them “love her the most” I think because she never had sons, and in our family sons were “better” than daughters…it was also a control issue. YOU (and I) were possessions, so what was ours was hers to control (in her mind at least).
Your son may be high in P traits, or he may be simply dysfunctional/addicted or all of the above, and it really doesn’t matter if he “qualifies” as a full blown psychopath or not, but you can essentially see already that his life style is NOT CONSISTENTLY FUNCTIONAL, but is CONSISTENTLY CHAOS and DYSFUNCTION. Alcohol problems, financial problems, relationship problems, etc
Those are NOT your fault any more than it was your fault that he was involved in the BB gun episode….
YOU can NOT “help” your son any more than I can help my son C or my psychopathic son Patrick. I WANTED so badly to help Patrick stop his thefts and other bad behavior BEFORE he got a criminal record that would keep him from being whatever he wanted to be in life. I wanted both of them to get College educations and Patrick had scholarships to ANY college he wanted to attend—he didn’t even finish HS, but got a GED….son C at least finished a 2 year college and has a job and is a good employee. Neither of them have ever been financially responsible for LONG…neither of them have ever had a healthy relationship with a healthy woman, though as far as I know neither has ever had much if any of a drug problem or drinking problem (neither even smokes)
Son C isn’t a psychopath, but he isn’t consistently functional in his life either or consistently “adult” in his financial decisions, which leaves him with problems if he has any normal set back that comes in life or if for whatever reason he were to be out of work for even a short time, he would be destitute. In the past, he would have been able to come here and I would have taken him in, but I realize now that was not wise on my part…because he has a PATTERN,, A LIFETIME PATTERN of poor decisions resulting in him being in financial need that he has NOT LEARNED FROM.
Believe me, I have been BROKE….I was 20 and had lived like the “grasshopper” and when winter came into my life I was BROKE. I borrowed a few bucks from a friend (and was very ashamed of having to do this) and I vowed right then and there to NEVER BE IN THIS POSITION TO HAVE TO BORROW MONEY TO EAT AGAIN! Unfortunately, our sons have never PROFITED from being broke because of their own poor spending decisions.
Even the help and the advice we have given them in the past, and I DID TEACH my son how to manage his money so that eh would NOT have to worry about losing his job or having any other kind of small financial emergency happen (needing to buy a set of tires or a down payment for a new vehicle for example) Instead, what he does is spend down to the last centavo for a new computer so he can play on line video games with every minute of his spare time.
Which interestingly enough, I think is as much an addiction as the booze is for your son, there research proof now of how this effects the brains of people who play these even for short times.
So Tami, While I DO know the pain I felt as disengaging from first one of my sons, and now the other biological son, you do have a step son that thinks of you as his mother, who RESPECTS you and loves you. SO ENJOY this relationship, treasure it as I treasure the relationship with my adopted son and thank God for providing you a “son of your old age” as God restored to Job children for those relationships he lost. God bless (((hugs)))
Tami,
I haven’t read your entire story (or even most of this thread!) but I do have a question for you. Did all of this ‘conversation’ with your son occurr on IM? 15 seconds (I realize that this may only have been an expression) isn’t a very long time at all for them to have a conversation and for her to turn around and call you.
If all of this conversation happened using technology, did you ever consider that, just perhaps, you were never conversing with your son in the first place?
This woman sounds like a level one predator. It sounds like she has your son completely controlled down to the smallest thing. If I were you I wouldn’t use technology to communicate with your son without being aware that, odds are, his GF is either listening or the one actually at the keyboard.