As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Annie
btw – not that Donna will see this comment buried on the fourth page – but I still want to say that this is a GREAT article.
darwinsmom
Annie, that would make a lot of sense
MiLo
Hi Annie ~ wow, interesting and I agree it would make a lot of sense.
At the very least she could have been listening in, depending on the technology. He may not have shared the information with her, she could have just stolen it.
skylar
Tami,
It appears to me that your son is triangulating you with his gf.
She is disordered and that makes her an easy target for triangulating. He grew up around triangulation, he has seen it all his life and to him, that’s normal and it’s what people in relationships do to feel powerful. He watched your mom do it to you and he watched your late husband do it to you. He learned it at an early age so it’s second nature to him. Having watched them push your buttons, he knows what they are.
He may not be a spath, but he does need to manipulate you and he is taking you on a rollercoaster ride. One minute you are his ally and the next you’re the enemy and his gf is his ally. Your head has got to be spinning. He may not even be aware that he’s doing these things. He may “feel” it’s real when he is loving to you and then “feel” it’s real when he is blaming you. Based on that, I would call him borderline. Perhaps it’s time he gets therapy that goes beyond his substance abuse issues.
My understanding of childhood development is minimal, but what I’ve read is that when a child watches his mom be abused (and that includes emotional abuse without violence), he is as traumatized as being abused himself. So even though you were a good mom, your son is the victim of child abuse and that can lead to personality disorders too.
It really sounds like therapy is in order.
MoonDancer
Milo – Nope not English, just a smartass sometimes.
Stargazer
Tami, I don’t think your son is deliberately trying to hurt you. He strikes me as just going from one mom to another. This spath gf of his runs his life, and that way he doesn’t have to take responsibility for himself. All the more reason why it’s best to step back and let him make his own decisions.
Matt
Tami:
While you’re making your son’s XMAS gift list, you might consider giving him a copy of “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare. I know that comment sounds flip, but I don’t intend it to be. The way I see things is some of us process things by hearing them while others process things better by reading them. I fall into the latter category. Until I read the book, all the concerned friends and family talking to me about the S-ex was just a lot of background noise. I couldn’t process what they were saying because I couldn’t put it in context. But, when I read the book, I was able to process the information and test it against what I had been experiencing with the S-ex. It was my lightbulb moment. If you’re afraid of giving it to your son because his S will be present, send it to work – maybe he’ll read it on his lunchhour.
coping
Dear Tami,
I read your post about an hour ago and it has taken me this long to respond.
The “mommy dearest” statements have triggered me in such a strange way.
I can relate so much to you said about your mother and what you “wanted” for jr. and what you vowed you would never accept, be or do. As a new mom I feel the same way. Frankly it scares the shit out of me.
My mother was not physically abusive… it was more humilation and depriving me of lifes essentials such as toilet paper, toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorate, tampons, ect if I confronted her or did not comply to what she wanted (which was an impossible task, as it changed daily and I never knew what to do)…in addiition to the constant control mixed with humiliation…in combination to what I now see as her jealousely of me. ? (She always liked younger men and I think she saw me as a threat. ?) I spent time in many foster and group homes as a child…memories come and go. But by my golden years 15+ I was able to forget or dissengage from these memories.
I have many “blackouts” from childhood but as doors open and with therapy… things are coming back. They are not pleasant and I wish I could erase them entirely… shove them under a rug. I guess there is only so much rug. It’s funny until the spath these issues were null and void. I was numb. However she did re-enter my life again about 1 year prior to me becoming involved with the spath…there must be something to that which I need to think about.
I have spent way to much time with Mom over the past 2 weeks. I keep telling myself it’s good for Jr. to see someone else who loves him. The reality is I think Jr. is just a game for her. She loves saying things like “mommy is so mean” when I don’t let Jr. play with a toy while I’m changing a soiled diaper…yep no one wants a toy rubbed in shit. I guess I tell myself it’s ok Jr. is too young to know whats going on. I can pull through this to the next step, ect., ect.,
My mom is in her 50’s and I don’t think she will change. She is not a spath however I cannot go on with her like this. I love my mother so much but I know I cant change her..
My entire weekend was spent with her telling me I needed to have a will in case I died so someone OTHER than the spath could care for him.She is terrified I will DIE and what will happen to jr. In otherwords she wants me to make her his guardian…I would and will never allow this to happen. She cannot even watch him for 2 hours without getting tired or bored. She enjoys the fun of playing with Jr. and “playing” with me but cannot handle day to day life with a child…or adult for that matter. The only reason she came back into my life was beacsuse her 30 something boyfriend of 5 years cheated on her…needed to move back to the states and “bond” with her daughter… Who quite frankly was very happy with a 30 minute phone call twice a month or when crisis happened on her end.
Family is a painfull bitch!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
aw coping, they are truly a painful bitch. she sounds so horribly toxic. it scares me a bit that she is concerned about your ‘death’. i know you said she’s not a spath, but after all this time on lf those kind of words are troubling to me.
i just saw your question re karma, and i am too tired to answer tonight, but i have started working on my answer. I also had a freind ask my root lama about spaths and she gave me his answers 2 nights ago. I was really impressed that he SO got it.
I will try to post in the next day or so when i see you online. 🙂
best,
one joy
coping
One Joy-
I actually had a point when I blogged to Tami… I think it got lost once I started thinking about mom….maybe it came through.. I can’t tell.
Thank you… no, moms not gonna kill me it’s just her way. It’s like when she claimed to have cervical cancer (stage 0) . She had the whole family so worked up…Yes Coping had specic instructuctions that in case of of emergengeny I was suppossed to have her shipped to sweden be euthanized…LOL, where in Gods name would I get that kind of money…her response was when I die you would be reimbursed. WTF. Needless to say it turns out doc told her hysteryctmy was not needed. Well she had it (and precaution is good in some matters) however she never bothered to tell anyone she was ok…. we waited….wondering…scared…I finally found out when I was caring for her 1 week after the surgery and the doc left a msg on my vm saying all was good as he had anticipated.
WTF!
With regard to B- you can always email me…I know it was a strange question. Donna has my email address. I’m kind of weird about it because its my real name…but I think your safe. 🙂
Goodnight one-
Peaceful dreams