As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
coping – it’s not a weird question and i actually want to post what the lama said, so i will put it up on lf. (i think you are safe, too. 😉 )
it just requires more mindfulness to write out than i have toningt. xo
Can’t wait, One Joy. I want to read it too.
One Joy-
Thanks so glad you dont think its wierd…
I’m in a strange spiritual stage right now… Yes it will sound crazy.
A friend said I need to have a santaria protectionn spell…This is pretty common in my parts …heavy latin culture….and the spath was into it.
I would normally dismiss this however I believe in signs (yes from god…and im not a wierdo although this sounds nuts). However (After this conversation) I went to the grocery store with Jr. and there was this crazy old lady who looked homeless behind us in line. She looked directly at me and said “you’re in dander…he’s not safe” WTF This is coming from a homeless person….
I may not believe in many things but I do believe in signs… and yes they can come from God.
I don’t know what to do spiritually>>> Yes it sounds nuts…
coping,
your post triggered me. “nuts” usually means a spath is involved. ick.
Maybe it was just the old lady who was nuts or a spath.
For what it’s worth, spaths still target me. I look like a meal to them for some reason. But they are wrong because I’m no longer vulnerable. Maybe that old lady could see the “old you” and not the new insights and wisdom you have gained.
You are brand new and you have what it takes to defeat spaths now. Maybe your body language just hasn’t caught up to that yet?
~ 🙂
There’s a case in Belgium right now that has me worked up… An early twentysomething man is on trial for murdering his grandmother. She was single, had never been married and a teacher and decided at some point in her life to adopt. She adopted a girl from India. But the girl became a wild brat, moved out, got into drugs, prostitution, etc… The daughter had a husband whom she cheated on, was verbally abusive… and she had two children: a boy and a girl. The marriage did not last long, and child services found out she neglected her children. Her adoptive mother (the grandmother) took them in and raised them.
The grandmother feared that she may have been too severe a mother to her adoptive daughter (as in setting boundaries) and blamed herself for the daughter to turn out into being the spath she is, so she decided to raise the grandchildren more leniently. But the boy got into a gang in his late teens, drinking, etc… He moved out, moved back in, etc… drinking, fighting, stealing. She tried everything to please him, and he had nothing but contempt for her.
The night she got murdered, he came home drunk, already had had a fight before going home. She made a “gentle” remark that he might have drunken one too many. He flipped, banged his fist in her face, threw whatever heavy objects he got his hands on, kicked her in the face and body. Meanwhile she pleaded with him in whispers to stop. The last object she got in her face, while lying helpless on the floor was the microwave. He left then and started another fight somewhere, for which he got picked up. Only the next day, they found out and realized he had killed his grandmother before that fight.
So, now he’s on trial. He admits that he has a fight at times, but he does not regard himself as aggressive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday his mother who neglected him all her life was a witness. She had originally volunteered as plaintive for the case against her spath son. BUT on the witness stand she BLAMED the grandmother for what had happened to her… EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SHOULD NOT COMMENT ON A DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The prosecutor was so apalled that he asked her why she even volunteered to be the plaintive against her son is she defended his actions and blamed the victim for being murdered. Her answer, “Because I wanted to see the report and check whether she had SUFFERED?!” The prosecutor assured her that the grandmother had died a slow and painful, helpless death being beaten to death by the grandson she had taken in and had wanted to help.
When they confronted her about her character, her neglect of her children… she lied all the way. No, she had not put her son in the closet to entertain male visitors (for money or not). It wasn’t she who had abused her husband, but him who had cheated on her and abused her, etc…
The only one of that adopted spath family who seems to have a heart is the granddaughter.
I don’t think those two couldn’t be any more spathier. Totally disgusting!
This is a horrible story! And, my husband and I are presently living in fear of something similar possibly happening. My son does not have a violent bone in his body; however, he is very easily influenced…especially by the women he gets involved with. The spath GF talks nonstop about OTHER people’s money.
The 96 year old great aunt that the spath cared for became suddenly ill shortly after the spath told my husband and me that the aunt was giving her and my son $40,000, leaving them her house and giving her her car. Said the aunt was going to go ahead and give them the $40,000 so she could see them enjoy it before she died. She had only been caring for the aunt a couple of months at the time. The aunt was still in a amazingly good health and had a very sharp mind. However, she depended on the spath niece to drive her places that she needed to go and help out with grocery shopping and such. Then, the aunt had to have her foot removed, seemed to be recovering well and was learning to use her walker. The aunt agreed to add the spath to her checking account in order for her to continue to shop for her. The spath did not stay with the aunt at night…only during the day. I called my son’s cell one morning when the spath had just arrived at the aunt’s home around 10:00 AM. SHE answered and asked me to hold on while she woke her aunt for her bath. I found it a bit odd that a 96 year old would still be sleeping at 10:00 but even more unusual when I could hear the spath using a very loud voice to wake her. I’m sure that I was on hold for a least 5 minutes before I heard the aunt utter a word and she seemed very confused when the spath kept ordering her to get up so she could help her with her bath. She finally came back to the phone and I asked if the aunt was okay and/or hard of hearing. The spath answered that it was the drugs (not medication as one might expect a nurse to say) that the doctor had her “on” and that she planned to speak to the doctor because the aunt was getting more and more difficult to wake and disoriented. At the time, I thought nothing about it. However, I did notice that the spath would leave her aunt unattended in this condition while she searched for a job! I wondered why she seemed so desperate to get a job when the aunt was paying her a very GOOD salary to help her and it seemed that the aunt might live beyond 100! Within 2 weeks, the aunt had to hospitalized due what the spath claimed to be an infection that had nothing to do with the removal of her foot. She died a week later.
The aunt had no children and a nephew, the spath’s uncle, who lived in another state had been appointed years ago by the aunt to be the executor of her estate upon her passing. Get this: the spath tells the uncle that the aunt gave her $40,000, wanted her to have her house and car and was absolutely appalled when the uncle STOLE these things from HER and did not adhere to the deceased aunt’s wishes! She honestly expected that the uncle would just say, “OK”! Once, the uncle started settling the estate, he discovered that the aunt’s checking account was totally drained and after hiring a professional account to assist him in sorting it out, discovered that over $10,000 was missing. My only question is: who is going to question the death of a 96 year old anyway?
The spath talks endlessly about her father’s money and even my mother told me that the spath had requested my son to ask for a chest that she had for the baby. The chest was so buried in my mother’s basement, that it took my mother awhile to identify what my son was asking for! My son had NO idea which particular piece of furniture the spath was referring to and as my mother went over the inventory of chests in her house, she DID notice that the spath seemed to be familiar with everything in her house after one brief visit. The spath FINALLY said it was in the basement. My mother had to go to the basement and finally located the chest which was placed there years ago, covered with a quilt and buried beneath a ton of clutter. I warned my mother right then to watch her and my mother stated that she was a bit disturbed that the girl had “scoped” her house! However, my mother has not called me and will not take my calls now but talks to the spath every day.
Yes, my husband and I fear this girl especially given that my son is an only child as I am and my mother has willed her estate to be split equally between the two of us upon her death. My mother’s home is also in a very isolated area located on several acres of land. I might very well be allowing my imagination to run wild but I have never felt the need to concern myself with anything like this before. It’s coming from my GUT.
And, yes, I KNOW that the spath has attempted to communicate with me through texts and IMS while pretending to be my son! There was even one time when I asked him to provide me with the name of a family dog that we had when he was a very small child. He told me that I was being ridiculous and I refused to talk to him until he provided me with the name. However, I only thought to do that the one time so there is a very good chance that it wasn’t my son that I last communicated with who became very upset with me especially given the fact that I received a text from him last night requesting his brother’s phone number…it was programmed in the cell phone that she busted to pieces under his NAME and the number itself was long forgotten. I missed the text but would not have responded anyway. I’m in total NC mode with the spath and my son. And, the 15 seconds was not a figure of speech…I actually added a few seconds to the time! He signed out and my phone rang immediately!
I see my son as gullible, naive, immature, in total denial, unaware and eager to become a father. She claims to have a degree in psychology which I later learned that she does not have. I think she is the one that is serving as the “counselor” that she claims told my son that it was unnatural for his mother to have education him about safe sex, etc. I caught inconsistencies in her statements regarding this counselor…she would say begin by saying that my son had told the counselor this or that and then say that he also told “me”….
I know that you all are surely wondering how much worse this can get…I can tell you that there is SO much more that I haven’t even talked about yet and my son has been involved with this girl for less than a year!
You know…this makes me realize that no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend. I am not a drama queen. I am too boring I guess. It seems that men love this drama and flock to it. I don’t give that excitement that they are looking for because I act SENSIBLE! Haha…GEEZ.
Coping ((((()))))))
I think you have a lot of “moms” on here that would love to adopt you and your Jr. You did not and do not deserve the one you got.
I don’t know your age, Louise, but the drama thing seems to be almost a requirement of people in their teens on up to their early 30s. My son claims he detests it, yet he not only involves himself in it but helps create and contribute to it, as well! I’m glad I will be long dead before these generations become leaders of our country!