As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Dear Constantine,
What a wonderful, caring and well thought out post to Tami, and I think right on the money! You amaze me with your insight into dysfunction and psychopathy as well.
Your comment “Indeed, there is a very definite point where moral weakness shades off into moral evil, and the two become for all practical purposes, indistinguishable.” Is very very concise and precise and to the point! Cut through the BS! If you don’t stand up for what is right, then you fall for what is wrong!
Constantine, I want to say a big THANK YOU for the invaluable posts that you contribute here to LoveFraud! Having a man’s point of view, and especially one who is so articulate is wonderful! You, Matt and Henry are such wonderful contributors here to Love Fraud and I just want you to know how much I appreciate it!
Hey Oxy,
Thanks a lot! – and the same to you. But, yes, the “insight into dysfunction” (hehe, I like the way you put that!) is not a natural aptitude (quite the contrary), but rather something acquired through long decades of very laborious, repetitive, and painful life-experience.
But, yes, after being forced to “retake the exam” countless times, I suppose we finally start to figure it out a little!
Constantine,
That was a very good post to Tami.
I can especially relate to :
My condolences. I’m glad you’re on the road to healing.
Hi Sky,
Thank you. And, yes, I’m sure the words that you’ve highlighted are as applicable to you as they are to me. So likewise and “same to you” with the condolences.
BTW, Sky, I was at the movies last night with my girlfriend (“The Descendants” – not bad, actually) and one of the characters was named “Skylar.” I was about to impress her by leaning over and whispering, “Did you know that “Skylar” means “protection through knowledge”? But then I decided that that might sound too pedantic. And besides, I don’t want her discovering my “safe haven” here through a google search!
Gotta run to job #2 – have a great day.
Constantine,
Maybe you are already gone but you reminded me of my old days, riding around playing chase, smoking dope, drinking Annie Greensprings and thinking we were cool. But by age 19, that kind of partying had gotten old. Too many evenings ending up badly. I got into a job that led to a career leaving my old life far behind… and now those people who were my “family” are all either dead, or seriously messed up. While I was young and dumb, I was REALLY dumb. But some people, like my former buds, have stayed dumb all the way to my old age.
Gosh Katy, Annie Greensprings, it was cheaper than DISTILLED WATER, ah yes, The Memories! My son told me the other day he didn’t think they made it any more…what kind of cheap wine are kids drinking now days! LOL
Yea, my friends from that time in my life are gone as well except for one, but he’s older than me and been senile for several years…lots of them ended up badly, but it didn’t take me long to sail through that stage, about 18 months or so I guess. I was fortunate to have some good mentors and good friends who sort of looked out for me and kept me from doing anything really REALLY REALLLLLY Stoopid! LOL
Katy,
Yes, and the only thing worse than being completely alienated from people we once loved, is trying to play “let’s pretend” – and hold together something that isn’t meant to be held together. Besides, it’s hugely liberating when we finally take a stand and tell them to GO STUFF IT!
At any rate, I need to find out what this “Annie Greensprings” is. Sounds very poetic and mysterious. Still, my “wild oat” period was more like three or four years – from about 18 to 22. Though I was less of a drinker or smoker (we athletes just ate the brownies!), and more of a psychedelic imbiber. But the nostalgia is almost too much to handle anymore at forty one! -Ah, “The days that are no more!”
Gotta disagree. I don’t see my son as a spath at all. And, yes, he DOES realize that there is something wrong with his gf but I think he thinks it’s all due to her drug use and HORMONES simply because she’s pregnant. I’m certainly NOT in denial as far as my son may have very been using the drugs, too. But, I do recall that he told once when he first started seeing this girl that he just didn’t think things were going to work out with her because she disappeared one night and returned hours later. He said she had a little bit of EVERYTHING in her and that he had never seen anyone that messed up and still standing. She had told him that she’d had a drug problem in the past but had been clean for a long time and that she knew she couldn’t use drugs because she feared that she’d lose her nursing license. She offered some pitiful story the next morning about falling off the wagon because of being worried about her dying aunt and being upset that her father was treating her so unfairly, blah, blah, blah and promised that it would never happen again. It wasn’t two weeks after the incident that she popped up pregnant! Basically, she’s been pregnant just about the entire time that he has been involved with her! You see, he’s so naive and falls for the pity stuff and she’s loaded with pitiful stories. And, yes! I feel that he should “man up”, too, but he’s never been the aggressive type, and right now he feels that he HAS to keep her happy because “HIS” baby is still inside of her body! And, honestly, even my husband and I fear this girl so I KNOW my son has to fear her. And, given that the FIRST thing she did when she got upset with us because we refused to give her money was USE the baby as a weapon against us, I imagine that she’s doing the SAME thing to my son.
And, also, I have developed a very close relationship with her former mother-in-law. Her son fell for all of her stories, too, and he has never drank alcohol, used drugs and doesn’t even smoke cigarettes. She seems to target people that she can seek pity from and sees as compassionate and “sheltered” people. The mother-in-law told me that she saw very little of her son during the year that he was married to this girl. She also had the same experience of not even being able to call her son because the girl would start talking to him while he was on the phone with her or turn the TV volume sky high so he couldn’t hear. My mother and I experienced these same things when my son HAD a phone. Yet, the girl would call the mother-in-law and her husband and ask them for money with the same claims that THEIR son was on drugs, etc. She even called them once to request money to go to a fertility clinic claiming that she wanted to “bless” them with a grandchild! The mother-in-law wised up long before me because she didn’t believe a word the girl said. Remember, I, too, have been the perfect target of more than one spath in my life, too.
My son and I have a rather odd way of communicating. He knows that I am a worrier. I think he’s trying to blow this off as not being a big deal so that I will settle down before I blow a valve. And, yes, I know all about withdrawal and how people get sick from it but I was still in contact with him when this sinus junk first started in the fall and I KNOW he was sick. He gets it every fall but he’s always gone to the doctor. This chick won’t allow him to take a second off work. His paternal grandmother passed away just a few weeks before we had the big blow up with this girl. His work granted him 3 days off without pay for bereavement. She passed in the middle of the night and he planned to take the next day to spend with his father’s family and then take one more for her funeral. He called and asked me if I wanted him to come by and pick me up so I could ride with him to see the family…I’m still close to that family. I told him yes and he said he’d pick me up around noon. Noon came and went. I FINALLY got a hold of the spath who told me that she told him that he couldn’t afford to take off work and that he could just take off a few hours for the funeral! I was stunned and told her that he really needed to spend some time with his father’s family. Her reply was: “I don’t even know those people”. I asked her what that had to do with it and got that silly giggle that she has and she then said that she didn’t think he liked them because he’d never taken HER to meet them! She HAD met some of his cousins on that side of the family but not some of the elderly people who were the very people that he wanted to spend some time with!
Honestly, I think he’s just trying to keep me calm until the baby is born. He knows that I will go off on the girl pregnant or not if he opens up to me about her. He’s tried to convince me that he’s the one that is guilty of this and that just to keep me off of her. I KNOW how badly he has wanted a child for the last couple of years. However, I feel that he’s trying to make sure that I’m NOT so angry with him that I’ve totally dismissed him out of my life. I think that’s what these little check ins with me are all about. And, he HATES drama! He’s nervous himself and can’t handle her screaming at him.
I was SO emotionally charged after learning that girl had used drugs heavily during her pregnancy that I’m just now starting to remember some of the OTHER crazy things that she’s done.
And, he sent me an email today apologizing for not being able to talk more at work yesterday because he was busy and asked me to sign into gmail so we could chat for a few. We discussed the webpage and he asked me for contact information concerning its domain that I had here on file, etc. However, if he would just talk to me about this situation, I MIGHT be able to stop allowing my imagination to run wild but apparently, he is scared to death of having to deal with her. THIS is why I’m SO worried about him. This is also the reason that I’m not mentioning her nor the baby…I don’t trust myself NOT to react negatively. I’m trying not to express my feelings about her so that maybe he WILL open up and finally talk to me. He’s NEVER allowed a woman to have this much control before but he’s never had one like her, either, nor has he ever had a baby before. Frankly, I think he’s totally stressed out. Everyone who has seen him tells me that he seems really quiet and totally down and depressed.
Tami, he may not be a psycyhopath, my son C is not a sociopath, he is just dysfunctional and spineless, unreliable, and gets iinvolved with women who “use” him….and he uses them as an excuse to not have much relationship with his family….all in the VICTIM , PERSECUTOR, RESCUER “Game” and of course this game the people change roles from time to time….today’s rescuer is tomorrows’ persecutor. and so on. The only way is to OP out of the game and refuse to play.
I hope your son will eventually get out of this relationship and the baby isn’t his, but whatever happens, it is HIS CHOICE, and he isn’t being held prisoner at gun point. When he wants to talk to you, he4 will be with a woman that won’t “prevent” him talking to you.
Constantine:
I plan on going to see “The Descendants.” I saw “Like Crazy” yesterday. Very good. Very real. I also saw “Martha Marcy May Marlene” about a month ago. Also very good. I’m not sure if the last two are/were showing in your city as they were showing at the “artsy” theater here.