As human beings, we all want love and companionship in our lives. It’s a basic human need, right up there with the needs for food, water and shelter. When we are lacking an intimate relationship, most of us try to fill the empty space. That leads to dating.
Here is what you need to know about dating and predators.
1. Evil exists.
What the evil is called—psychopath, sociopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist—really doesn’t matter. There are evil people out there, and they can be found in all segments of society—rich, poor, male, female, all races, all religions, all communities. They look like everyone else, but they are predators.
2. If you are dating, you are a target.
As an unattached person, you’re probably feeling a bit lonely—that’s why you’re looking for dates. This is natural and understandable. What you need to realize is that predators specialize in targeting lonely people. They know exactly how to find this vulnerability and exploit it by seeming to take the loneliness away. They shower you with attention, flatter you and promise you a lifetime of happiness—exactly what you’re looking for.
3. Meeting people on the Internet is extremely dangerous.
Yes, there are normal people on dating sites. But there are also predators, and communicating via the computer you do not have the tools you need to spot them. Most of the true meaning of conversation comes from nonverbal cues—voice, facial expression and body language. None of that is available in an e-mail. So what do you do? You fill in the missing pieces with your imagination, and the person becomes what you want him or her to be. You fall in love with a fantasy. For more information, see Internet Threat and Online Seduction on Lovefraud.com.
4. Predators are often charming.
If you meet someone who is glib, charismatic and has a quick answer to every question, be aware that these traits may indicate excellent social skills—or a psychopath. Pay close attention to what is actually being said. Are there gaps or inconsistencies? Is the person evasive? Does the person change plans or break promises—and always has an excuse? If you’re nodding your head, proceed with caution. For more information, see Key Symptoms on Lovefraud.com.
5. Watch for the pity play.
According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is an appeal to your sympathy. If you’re dealing with someone who tries to make you feel sorry for him or her, blaming other people or “the system” for his or her problems, consider it a warning that the person may be a sociopath. For more information, see The Pity Play on Lovefraud.com.
6. Predators are often great in bed.
Many people who were involved with sociopaths have told Lovefraud that the sex was amazing. Sociopaths are often skilled lovers for two reasons: First, with an excessive need for stimulation, they are hard-wired for sex. Second, they get a lot of practice, often with anyone who comes along. In reality, sociopaths want only two things: sex and power. They do not feel love.
7. Do not ignore red flags.
Maybe something seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Perhaps there’s a nagging feeling in your gut. Pay attention. Do not let him or her explain away your doubts. Do not tell yourself he or she has gotten a raw deal and your love is the solution. To avoid becoming the victim of a predator, your instincts are your best defense.
Hi y’all and Merry Christmas. Just popping in for my sanity check.
It’s good to read the commonalities to avoid over processing. I wonder if I would have done anything different at the time I became a target for the spath. With the info on the subject here I would not have married him. He would have hit the brick wall before he could hit me.
No contact is easier said than done with someone who has to win at any cost and has to omnipotently control.
Several months ago I signed a piece of paper for spath to take a short term loan against our jointly owned IRA for home repairs just to see it resurface in a company he started with his new, married GF as a rollover. Yeah, they robbed me and I went along blindly.
We are dividing 2 properties. Just to avoid contact I settled for 1/3 and gave him anything else not worth sacrificing to the lawyers. He agreed and then changed his mind. We filed in court and his new lawyer counter sued with a September 2012 Jury Trial for tricking him into adding my name to the title of one of the properties (we live in a community state and were married at the time). I can’t believe that a lawyer would consent to taking such a BS case.
His victim act is over the top. All the people can’t be that lame to buy into that all the time specially when he goes through all the trouble of making sure we never make contact to potentially expose him. But, looking back, his maternal grandmother, his aunt, mother, and sister have gotten a lot of mileage from their spathism and grandious entitlement.
At what point do they move on?
Hey Louise,
Yes, “The Descendants” was a pleasant surprise. Not utter perfection, but a solid three and a half stars, I’d say. By the way, we also have an “artsy” theater here (across town) that me and the GF go to every two weeks or so. It’s a nice adventure: movie night for old people! (And I’ll keep an eye out for the two movies you mention.)
Otherwise, hope all is well with you, Louise.
Tami,
Well, it took me twelve years or so to figure this stuff out, so I’m assuming it’s going to take you more than twelve hours. But just for the record, it sounds like you are simply making excuses for utterly inexcusable and reprehensible behavior. Indeed, all those years of changing diapers, cooking meals, working to support him, etc. – methinks a thirty one year old man should treat his mom with a little more respect. But as long as you keep apologizing for his outrageous behavior, you can be pretty certain that that’s never going to happen.
Nevertheless, I do wish you all the best as you attempt to sort this out.
Constantine.
You seem to have all the words that I lack today…
Somebodysdream,
you tell me. I thought my ex-spath had moved on. But he’s back for Christmas!
yipee. 🙁
Mine was a pity ploy expert too.
The nice thing though is that now, in hindsight, I can see the pattern. It really doesn’t change.
First, the sabotage. He sabotaged my car before I even met him. Yep, my car wouldn’t start. He offered to fix it. Nobody else could fix it. Spath fixed it in 15 minutes. I was 17.
I went out with spath out of gratitude. Spath love bombed me. Spath did the pity ploy so I would sleep with him. I slept with spath. Spath pledged that he was a “one woman man.” OMG, nothing could be further from the truth. He hates women. He prefers children and young blond men. – well I guess that makes his words true: He keeps one woman – as a beard.
After the love bomb, it’s the pity ploy again. “please help me make my dream come true. I’m helpless because I’m dyslexic. I can’t read or write. Life isn’t fair. Look how much I’ve accomplished despite my disability. I’m SPECIAL. Make special excuses for me. Break the law for me, the law isn’t fair to SPECIAL people like me. Don’t you feel bad for being normal while SPECIAL people like me suffer?” excuse me while I puke.
So the responsible “fixer” takes care of the problem, while implicating themselves in an illegal manuever. Spath documents it all (innocently, of course). Next step: death.
Spath arranges an accident.
It’s like meeting Lucifer himself. How does a person get over it? When will it end?
Sky,
I wonder if it isn’t time for you to change your e-mail address? I think I brought this up to you last year, and you said something like, “I don’t change it because it allows me to keep tabs on him and see what he is up to, etc.” So perhaps there really is a safety concern; but, honestly, it seems like you’d just be better off changing it and taking your chances. In any case, I can’t see how reading his conniving letters is doing anything except harming you.
Of course, it’s a pain to give everyone your new address, but as you say in the other thread, this situation is causing you nothing but anxiety and discomfort. So why not take the step that will cut him out completely? Obviously, if he’s that crazy and determined, he could just walk up to your house. But my guess is that that won’t happen. (And if it does, you seem like you’ll have the strength to deal with it.)
You’re certainly not a drama addict, Sky. But perhaps there is a teeny tiny part of you that is taking an interest in all this (i.e., What is he up to? What does he want? etc. – all of which gives your active mind something to play with, etc. etc.) Of course, you could just delete his e-mails. But the problem with that is that he won’t KNOW you deleted them. However, if you change the address, his e-mail will get sent back to him. And that might be enough to make him disappear. (After all, it’s very tiresome to write letters that simply get lost in cyberspace!) At the very least, it’s certainly more likely in that case, than if he knows your are reading his letters. That is, even if you aren’t responding, you can be sure that he IS getting a thrill simply by knowing that he still has the ability to play with you. So, again, why not put an end to this once and for all?
There might be a very slight feeling of withdrawal, but I think it would be worth the sacrifice. Because he might not be renting a room in your head anymore, but it does sound like he’s still renting a very small cubby hole.
Oh and I forgot to mention that your current BF sounds like a funny guy. His joke about “Campfire of Love Unplugged” really made me smile. It’s too bad Curt Cobain isn’t still alive -I’m sure he would have jumped at the chance to do a cover version of that!
Constantine,
I’ve always known he would be back. And I’ve always known that he would try to kill me again. He can’t let it go that I got away with the house.
That’s why I need to let him reach out to me. I just don’t have to answer.
And really, Constantine, you will know when he stops renting room in my head: because I won’t be here on LF anymore.
The email is not how he haunts me. He haunts me in every disaster he has left in my life. Looking at my parents and knowing what they are – that came from him. Over 25 years he infiltrated every aspect of my life. Nothing is untouched.
All the email does is irritate me because it reminds me of his audacity. Who tries to kill you and then wants to be friends?
wtf?
To answer your question, Sky_-“who tries to kill you and then wants to be friends?” Let me see, my P sperm donor, my P son? The Trojan Horse Psychopath? My P Daughter in law? Who tries to help others kill you and then apologizes and wants to pretend it didn’t happen? My son C and my egg donor for two. LOL
The answer is, Sky, any psychopath is capable of that trick!
Constantine, I agree with your advice to Tami. Tami, I made excuses for my son C’s behavior because of his wanting to pity this person or that person, or his wife, or his P-brother, but the bottom line is, he treated me with a lack of respect, he allowed others to treat me without respect, to target me iin fact, and I made excuses for him…it was HIS CHOICE.
Oxy,
LOL! that’s a big red flag isn’t it? Attempted murder is a red flag but when they want to be friends afterward, you know it’s a spath.
ROTFLMAO.
😀
Oh yeah, my P-brother and P-sister fit that profile too. It boggles the mind.
Your son C is really a piece of work. He is only fooling himself. I think therapy would be a good place for him to spend his money.
Sky
I’m sorry all this happened to you.
I’m finding myself wanting my spath back today – the mind plays tricks – lovebombing and mirroring feel so good when it’s happening.
Ugh.
Athena
Athena,
it’s an addiction, a CHEMICAL addiction. You get addicted to your own “feel-good” hormones that you make when you feel a bond to someone.
Try to get more “sunshine” if you can. expose yourself to natural light by sitting near windows, and maybe get a sunlamp or go to a tanning booth. They have red-light lamps now, they aren’t for tanning, I think they are supposed to help your body make more collagen to fill in fine lines and wrinkles. Anything and everything helps just a little bit, when we’re going through withdrawal.